by Ford, Mia
“Wow, that’s really something. I can’t believe you did that. You’re braver than I am.”
Harper and Cindy watch the parade of people leaving. I try really hard not to, but there’s a magnetic pull from Kade that’s too hard to ignore. He commands my attention, even when I don’t want to give it, which is annoying and pleasurable in equal measures. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but maybe there might be something real occurring between us. I don’t want to get my hopes up, just to have them dashed again. I don’t think I’m anywhere near strong enough to face that awfulness again. I only just got through it once.
Our eyes connect and I get a bolt in my chest. It’s hard to not fall for him. He has a strong, muscular body, shaggy blond hair, and the warmest brown eyes ever. He also has a cheeky smile that would honestly melt anyone’s heart. Mine transforms into a puddle and I think it always has done. No wonder I’m a mess!
He lifts his thumb up to me, so I return it. I can feel the eyes of my friends piercing through me but at least I’ve given something of an explanation. Now they shouldn’t think it’s too weird that he’s acting like this.
“He wants you,” Harper says decisively. “I think he wants to get you into bed. Are you going to let him?”
A powerful shiver races up and down my spine. I haven’t been with anyone before, I couldn’t imagine anyone better to take my virginity… aside from the fact that he would be my first and I definitely wouldn’t be his. He has a ton of experience, which is a good thing because he knows what to do, but I don’t, and I fear that would come through. It’s fine as a fantasy, but nothing more. Making it a reality would be a mistake.
“I don’t think he does,” I shoot back. “Look at the girls he hangs out with. Why would he want me?”
“You really don’t see yourself, do you?” she replies with a head shake. “It’s a shame.”
I know my friends think that I’m beautiful, they tell me all the time. Of course, it’s nice to hear, but I don’t believe it and I know that I never will. I’m plain, but that’s okay. I know who I am and I don’t mind.
“Well, now we have the bar to ourselves so we should get on with some work…”
I don’t get to finish that sentence because my phone pings with a message, I grab it and guard it as I read the words on the screen. They’re from Kade and I really don’t want the others to know. I think Cindy suspects since she keeps on shooting me odd looks, but I don’t confirm or deny. I don’t want anyone to know what this is with me and Kade until I know myself. Maybe it’ll burn bright and fade away just as quickly, maybe it’ll last and we’ll become firm friends all over again. I can’t deny to myself that I kinda hope it’s the second one.
I’m not usually one who wants to change things up, I prefer to keep the status quo as is, at least I am these days, but with Kade it won’t feel so much like changing as it will be going backwards…
* * *
I spread across my bed, glad to have a little bit of time alone to process all of this. It’s been a surprisingly huge day today and I need to wrap my head around it all. Me and Kade are on talking times, he’s been messaging me all afternoon, I don’t think he even went to the club! It’s utterly crazy.
With Cindy at choir, it’s only me which gives me a chance to look through my old things. I brought all my old diaries with me when I came to college because I thought they might provide me with some inspiration on writing projects… and also because I didn’t want my parents to accidently find them, but I haven’t looked at them until now. Now, I want to take a look because I want to see how things were.
I have them all spread in front of me and now I can’t wait. I started writing things down at about ten years old and I kept it up until my late teens. Maybe it’s something I should do again sometime.
May 5th
Me and Kade made a pact today. We’re always going to be friends. He’s so cool! I’m lucky to be his mate.
May 12th
Me and Kade went on a treasure hunt and it was fun… until those losers from down the road turned up and I had to tell them to get lost. Why are people so horrible? I don’t get it!
July 12th
Kade is awesome. Me and him got married today. He’s my pretend husband now.
All it is at that age is ‘me and Kade this’ and ‘me and Kade that’. We truly were inseparable. But I guess I don’t really want to read about when we were just kids. I want to remember when things got a little complicated, just so I can arm myself for what it’ll be like when I see him again.
I grab a diary from when I was a lot older, about fourteen, and I take a look at that.
December 14th
Oh, my goodness, I really do think that I might be falling in love with Kade. Every time I look at him my heart practically bursts from my chest. He keeps accidently touching me which makes me feel like I’m on fire. Does he like me too? Sometimes I think he does, when he’s nice to me and he makes me feel special. Those are the times when it feels like the sun is shining down on me. But then there are the other times when he only treats me as a friend. That scares me, because what if that’s how he sees me? What if that never changes?
Oh, my goodness, that makes me feel all weird inside. My heart races in my chest, pounding against the bed, my stomach does all kinds of weird flip flops. It might be six years later, but I still have the nerves that he won’t like me like that. I’ve barely grown up at all. That’s really sad. Maybe meeting him isn’t a good idea because it’ll only remind me of how much I like him and he doesn’t like me.
April 25th
I can’t believe it, I’m utterly heart broken. My fears have been right all along. Kade doesn’t like me and he never has. He hasn’t ever seen me as girlfriend material, I’ll never be anything more than a friend. He was kissing someone else today, one of the popular girls in school, and he told me to sod off when he saw me. I actually think I might be annoying to him. He has been pulling away from me recently.
I’m crying hard as I write this, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so badly. The worst part is now I have to move on. To keep my dignity, I need to tug away from him and to hold my head up high. I need to pretend that we weren’t ever friends. Just to make things easier for me. I don’t want to, I want to keep him in my life forever, but I can’t. He isn’t worth it, this pain isn’t worth it, nothing is any longer… I’m broken.
I get choked up as I recall this feeling. It was too much to bear and it took a long old time to go. However tempting he is, I need to remember that he hurt me once and he has the capability to do it again.
January 4th
Getting over Kade isn’t easy, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it. I just keep crying all the time. Mom knows what’s going on, I can tell. She has to, we’ve gone from being the best of friends to nothing. She probably wonders why I’m so sad about it… unless she can see that I’m in love with him.
March 12th
Kade is dating Holly now. He doesn’t seem to see that I’m dying inside. Either that or he doesn’t care. I really need to get a life and move on. At least when high school is done I can do it properly. That might be a long way away now, but it’ll come. I can’t wait until it does. I’ll go to college, I’ll get a degree and some life experience away from him, and then I can finally start my life. This is just a blip.
Wow, how naïve and innocent I was. I honestly thought that coming to college was my fresh start. Still, I’m not going to let this dampen anything, I still want to have a good time with him when I see him because we did have good times. As long as I swallow my feelings and I push them down so they don’t get in the way, it’ll be easy.
5
Kade
I sit in the window of the café, clutching onto my coffee cup as I wait for Lucie to appear. I came early, wanting to be the first one here. Part of that is nerves, part of it’s excitement. It’s weird, I hardly slept a wink last night just thinking about what it’s going to be like. Messaging her has been fun, i
t seems like it’s going to be easy between us but I suppose I can’t be sure. Face to face might be very different.
The world goes by, people hurry past in their own little existences hurrying from place to place. It reminds me of a game that I used to play with Lucie when we would try to work out what people were doing. It was her more than me, which I guess is a part of her creative brain in action. She always excelled in English, particularly story telling. I imagine that’s she studies that at college now… how weird that I don’t know.
She’s going to pick her kids up from their father’s house, I think as I see one woman. After a messy divorce, they’re finally co parenting effectively, but she’s always worried that something might rock the boat. He is off to a business meeting where he’ll have to do a presentation about figures he doesn’t even understand. I scan my eyes around, trying to find my next interesting subject. That girl has just found out that she’s having a baby, but she can’t even remember the name of the one night stand she had at a house party…
“Hey there!” Lucie’s sweet voice breaks through my thoughts and makes me jump. “What are you thinking about? You look a million miles away. I said hey when I came in and you didn’t even acknowledge me.”
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” I feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. I decide to admit the truth, just to make it a little bit easier. “I was playing the game that we used to, working out people’s lives.”
“Oh, my goodness!” She slides into the chair next to me. “I haven’t played that in forever. I’m well up for a round now, let’s do it. I might need to get back into the swing of things though, so give me a chance.”
We play for a while, and I have to admit that it works really well. Without even meaning to, I broke the ice between us and made it simpler for us to get back to that place where we’re just good friends. As she talks, I love the way Lucie’s face gets really animated. She’s always like that when she’s passionate about something, I can’t believe I forgot about that. She’s got the best expressions of anyone I know.
Finally, we have to turn onto other subjects. “So, how are your studies going?” she asks while sipping her forth cup of coffee. Not that this is a date, but I usually take girls out to drink booze, and I’m finding it a shock how much I’m enjoying myself. “Is college everything you hoped it would be and more?”
“I don’t know about that.” I laugh awkwardly. “I suppose I don’t really do much of the college stuff.”
“Yeah, I have heard.” She smirks at me, and it’s a lovely face. “You’re more into the social stuff.”
When she says it like that, the fun loving life that I’ve built up for myself sounds dumb. I don’t want Lucie to think that I’m a shallow idiot. She used to look at me like I was awesome, like I was someone she could look up to, and now she knows that I’m not. She sees right through me. Everyone else hears my family name and sees my wallet and bases their assumptions on that. Not Lucie, she still sees what’s underneath. Only what’s inside now isn’t as good as what it used to be. It’s actually a little lame.
“Are you studying English?” I blurt out, needing to change the subject before I crack.
“I certainly am, just like I always said I was.” She glances down, looking a little sad. “I struggle with it more than I want to though, I think others find it a lot easier than I do which sucks. I don’t like to be last.”
“Oh, Lucie.” Her self deprecating nature amuses me. “You’re too smart for words. Everyone struggles at college, that’s just a fact of life. I’m sure they all just hide it better than you do.”
“Hmm, I really hope you’re right.” She doesn’t look convinced at all. Her furrowed eyebrows say it all.
“It’s your face,” I insist. “You can’t disguise anything. It’s always been a problem for you.”
Lucie gives me an intense stare, one that I can’t actually decipher despite my big words. I can tell that it’s important, but that’s about it. Everything else is a mystery, and one that I’m not keen on at all. I want to understand, I want to peel back her layers and I know her as well as I do myself again.
“I think I’m better at hiding things that you think,” she replies, unhelpfully. “So, how are your parents? It’s been a while since I saw them.” Her quick subject change has me curious, but I won’t push her for now.
“Dad is doing well, he works harder than he needs to since things have been running smoothly for decades… but you know what he’s like.” She can laugh at that because she really does. “And Mom keeps herself busy. She always has vacations to plan so that makes her happy. She sure loves the sun.”
“Oh, yeah, do you remember when she came back sunburnt from Turkey and she loved it?” Lucie howls with laughter and I can’t help but join in. “She looked like a lobster, it was amazing!”
“I know, she’s nuts. Honestly, I’m always telling her to stop it but she’s so stubborn.” It feels better than I thought it would to talk to someone who understands my crazy life. “And how about your parents?”
“Dad has been away on business, I think he’s trying to expand things.” I feel sorry for Mr. Smith, he never stops trying and he hasn’t ever found the same success as my dad. But then he started his finance company himself and he’s built it from the ground up. He’s doing well. I wish my dad would hire him, that’d make a huge difference, but he wants to stick to the finance company he’s always used. Whether that’s stubbornness or a good business decision I will never know. “And Devon keeps Mom busy.”
Devon, their unexpected baby who came along nine years ago. As far as I remember, he’s a great kid but I suppose that could’ve changed. A lot can happen over time, and it’s been a really long time.
“He is?” I ask curiously while chewing on my cake slice. “Has he turned into a monkey?”
“Oh, so much.” Lucie smiles serenely to herself, loving her brother despite anything. “He’s a bit of a nightmare actually, he’s become a little bit like we were back then. A total hooligan.”
“Your poor mom.” I shake my head in amusement. “Going through this again. I think I’m the reason my mom wouldn’t have anymore children. She can’t go through all that a second time.”
“I don’t blame her! There was a long time where we never did what we were told.”
An awkward silence clings to the air. Lucie looks at me and I do her. All this reminiscing is bringing us back to the moment where I fucked up and I feel like I need to address it. If I don’t do it soon then the moment will pass and it’ll become this elephant in the room. If that happens then we might destroy our friendship from the inside out. I’m going to have to suck it up and swallow down my pride. Even if I can’t.
“You know, I am sorry,” I tell he stiffly. I sound a bit like a robot but I can’t seem to stop it. Being sincere and sounding it isn’t easy. “I didn’t mean to be a dick back then and wreck our friendship.”
“Oh.” Her eyes widen in surprise. I can tell she didn’t expect me to say that. Maybe I overstepped a mark doing so. I wish I could reel the words back in but I can’t. “Well, that’s good of you, but it’s okay. It was a long time ago, we don’t have anything to worry about. It’s fine, this is a fresh start.”
She nods slowly and we continue to look at each other for a few moments longer. As we do I can feel something shift in the air. It’s almost like the atmosphere has transformed into something that might be… sexy. I know I’m not supposed to feel anything like that for her, but I can’t stop it.
Eventually, we return to normal conversation and everything flows well, but I still can’t shake off that feeling. There’s something different about the way I look at Lucie these days, I can’t deny it to myself. And not just different from how I used to look at her, but different to how I look at other girls too. I see them as conquests, just a part of the fun, but with Lucie there’s much more too her. It’s deeper.
“Okay, we’re going to have to leave now,” Lucie finally bursts out int
o laughter. “I cannot drink another cup of coffee or I’ll be up all night long. Plus, you probably have a party to get to, right?”
As she stands and she grabs her bag, I want to grab her to beg her to stay with me, but I don’t. I continue acting like as normal a person as I can manage to be. I join her and stand up too, knowing that it’s over.
“Oh yeah, you know me so well don’t you?” I tease back. “Partying all the damn time, that’s all I do.”
She laughs, not taking any offence to my remark and we make our way outside. Once the ice cool air hits my face, I stop dead and I grab onto Lucie’s arm. I turn her around to face me. Her face screws up in confusion.
“Lucie, can we do this again sometime?” I ask her very seriously. “It’s been really fun.”
“Oh yeah, sure, of course we can. I’ve had a really good time. It’s been fun to catch up and stuff.”
I breathe in deep, inhaling her citrussy scent, and as I do something shifts within me. I don’t even know what it is, but combined with the hormones from that moment we shared inside it turns into adrenaline. I find my head leaning in without me even thinking about it. My lips purse out and they begin to buzz with excitement. There’s a small voice in my brain screaming at me to not do this, that she might reject me, but I don’t stop. It’s almost as if an animal unleashes inside of me and it takes over me completely.
But then something magical happens, something so incredible I don’t know what to do with it. Lucie’s expression glazes over and she leans in too. She caves to the carnal lust and she slides in towards me. Our lips crash together and endless fireworks bust and explode within me. My entire chest heats up with lust and something else too… something else I haven’t felt before and I don’t really understand. But it feels great. I deepen the kiss, darting my tongue into her mouth to really explore her everywhere.