by Ford, Mia
“Right,” I mutter to myself as I try and get it all organized in my brain. “So, I pee on the end of the stick, then I wait for a minute, then I see whether or not my life is about to change forever.”
Why didn’t I think of protection? That was so dumb of me. Maybe I should have made it clear to Kade that it was my first time so he one hundred percent knew that it was his responsibility to think of that. As the most experienced out of us, he should have done it anyway. It seems like he has no respect for me at all.
I yank the test out and try to work out whether I need to pee or not. I’m pretty sure that I do, so I get myself in position. I awkwardly hold the test out underneath me, and I do the dreaded deed. All the while trying to work out what went wrong with my life. If I could see this image of me as soon as I laid eyes on Kade again, I would have stayed away, I’m sure of it. Alone, taking a test, and heart broken. What a pathetic mess.
Once I’m done I click the cap back on and I leave the test on the back of the toilet. Then I check my watch for the time and I proceed to pace up and down the small room while I wait for my life to change in one way or another. As I do, I try to see my life with a baby. Would I make a good mom? Do I have any maternal skills? What will my family say? And what will Kade say? Whatever has gone on here, I’ll have to let him know if he’s about to become a father. Oh God, I dread to think what his reaction will be. He’ll hate me even more than he already does. If that’s even possible. Since I don’t know how he feels, it’s hard to tell.
I check my watch again, only thirty seconds has gone past. I never knew how long a minute could be before. The closer that the time gets, the colder and more full of fear I am. I keep walking, unable to keep still. While I move I continually chew on my bottom lip until it starts to feel sore. This is hell!
“Okay, that’s a minute,” I say quietly. “Time to look.”
Of course, that’s easier said than done. So, when I reach forward with a trembling hand my eyes fall closed and I can’t bear to look. Even if this is negative I don’t think I’ll be the same person. This will have jaded me and I won’t be happy and care free any longer. Not even in a fake way. Or maybe I’ll be just fine.
I pry my eyes open, one at a time, and my hearts stops dead at the sight before me. I guess I didn’t think this could really happen until this very moment, but now it’s more real than ever.
The little blue cross. Positive. I’m pregnant. I really am about to have a baby…
The world spins around me as I attempt to digest this, I feel myself slump to the ground. Kade’s seed is growing inside of me, becoming a human, and I’m responsible for this life. What I do with it will affect me forever more. I could have a baby, be a mom, give up college and have the life I never thought I would have, or I could sacrifice my little miracle and live with the endless guilt that comes with that choice.
I don’t know what to do for the best, I need someone to make this decision for me, but the only other person who could do that has vanished from my life, possibly never to be seen again. He might not even want to acknowledge my existence anymore, which only leaves one other person.
I dread it, I can’t see this conversation going well at all, but I’ll have to call my mom…
17
Kade
Five years later…
It feels weird, being back here, in the place I grew up. It all looks so different now. I suppose it’s all exactly the same if I really look at it and it’s me that’s changed, but I still feel odd. After five years of travelling around the world, learning the business from the inside out, and seeing how other people live, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t quite belong here because I’m not the person who was here before.
When I left, all those years ago, it was in disgrace. Dad was annoyed with me, Mom was disappointed with me, and to be honest I was upset with myself. At twenty years old, I’d made a massive mess of my life by partying and being an idiot. I lost the chance to finish college, and it seemed like I had lost everything.
Now, at twenty five years old, I’m a different man. I know what it means to be an adult and to live as a man. I feel prepared to properly take on the family company and to do a good job of it as well/ I wasn’t ready for that before, I didn’t understand anything, but now I definitely am. Now I understand why I had to do it. I can’t wait to get inside and show my family who I have become. I hope they are proud. I know I am.
I step with purpose up towards the front door, getting myself back into the frame of being at home. I try to find a familiarity as I walk up the path to the front door, but there isn’t any to be found. It’s vague, like that life all happened to someone else. None of it relates to the person who I have become.
“Hello?” I call out as step tentatively through the front door. I peer around but I’m alone. “Is anyone home?”
They know that I’m coming, my dad has been in charge of my schedule ever since I left, but it seems like I’m not getting a big banner and a welcome home party. That’s okay, I’m not the person who needs the spotlight anymore. A hug from my mom will do. Through everything, I’ve still missed her. Whether that makes me a momma’s boy or not, I don’t know, but I really don’t mind. So what, I love my mom?
“Kade?” As I hear her excited voice, a heat swells in my chest. “Is that you? Oh my God, are you here?”
“I’m here, Mom,” I reply smilingly. “At the front door. Just walked in after a long flight.”
She bursts into the hallway and wraps her arms tightly around me. As she holds me close, I inhale her scent, and all the familiarity comes flooding back. The memories of my life here become so much clearer. It’s her that’s my home, not the building. She could be anywhere in the world and I would feel comfortable with her.
“Yes, we thought you might be jet lagged,” she says muffled, into my chest. “That’s why we haven’t made a fuss. We thought you might be too tired and you would just want to get some sleep, that’s all.”
“Well, I’ve become quite used to it, I’ve done a lot of it over the last five years, but I still don’t want a fuss. I would much rather hang out with you and Dad for the evening. I have a lot to talk to you about.”
“Oh, I bet.” She pulls back to look at me. I can see the happy tears in her eyes. “You’ve grown up so much as well. I can just tell. You look taller, and broader too. It’s like you’ve finally filled out into your frame.”
“Mom!” I yank myself away, utterly horrified. “Are you trying to say that I’ve gotten fat?”
She clutches her hands to her chest as if I’ve caused her actual pain by taking offense. I am only teasing, of course, and I think that she knows that deep down. She’s probably just playing me at my own game.
“No, you’ve gotten leaner!” she gasps. “Now that you’ve cut down on the drinking you look much better. No, what I mean is you’ve finally started to get that man body. You’re leaving boy you behind.”
I smirk with pride, loving how that feels. I might not have noticed the physical changes so much since I’ve seen myself every single day, the mental changes are evident to me. I much prefer who I’ve become.
“Where is Dad?” I ask her cautiously. He’s been okay with me on the phone but what if he doesn’t want to see me to my face? He might not believe that I’ve actually grown as a person. “Is he home?”
“He’s in a meeting with his lawyer at the moment, but he’ll be out soon. It’s important, you know, or he would have left it already. He absolutely cannot wait to see you.” Mom grab my arm and pulls me towards the kitchen. “Why don’t we go and have a hot drink while we wait for him? I’m dying to hear about your trip. I’ve gotten bits and pieces from you and your dad while you’ve been away, but I want to hear it all.”
I forget all about Dad and his meeting as I sip coffee with Mom and I tell her all about my journey. It’s been five long years, so it’s hard to remember every little detail, so I mainly go with the ones that stick out most in my mind.
In among all the work, I did some sightseeing too, and I got to see some wonderful places.
In a weird way, I’m glad that I screwed up, Personally, I feel like I learned a lot more seeing the world and the business from that way than I ever could have from college, even if I’d tried. Adding in the element of self discovery is just a wonderful bonus that I will always be grateful for. I would change it for anything.
“…honestly, Mom, the temples in Japan are something else. We have to go one day…”
“Is that who I think it is?” Dad’s booming voice rolls out. “Is Kade finally home?”
He sounds happy to know that I’m back, he actually wants me here, which is a huge change from how he was before. I turn to see him and as I do I instantly spot the warm grin on his face.
“Hey, Dad.” I leap up and give him a hug too. He embraces me hard, patting me on the back as he does. “It’s good to see you, it’s good to be back home. I mean, it’s weird, but good.”
“Well, you have come back a man,” he chuckles. “So, of course it feels odd.”
As he looks at me, there’s something that I need to say. It’s been bubbling for ages but it’s something that I’ve wanted to ay face to face. I need Dad to know the true gravity of my words when I speak them.
“Thank you,” I say quietly. “Thank you for arranging all of that, for sending me away to have all of those incredible experiences. I loved it, but it taught me a lot about life as well. I know that you could have done things to make my life difficult, but I’m really glad you didn’t. I’m sorry that I screwed up so bad.”
“Son, you aren’t an academic learner, you learn by doing. I see that now. This was best for all of us.” He takes a seat beside me and looks at me curiously. “So, before I hear anything else about your trip, there is something I want to discuss with you. It’s about the meeting that I’ve just been in with the lawyer.”
“Oh… okay…” I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing. It feels a little ominous. “What is it?”
“Well, now that you have proven to me that you can be mature and responsible, I, of course, want the company to go to you.” My heart lifts, this is the one goal that I’ve been working towards. I had the horrible feeling then that it wasn’t going to happen, that Dad was going to move to goal post. Thankfully it seems that I’m wrong. “So, I have drawn up the paper work to make that so. Right now, you own fifty percent of the business, and I own the other half. Once I retire, you will have it all.” He gives me a giant smile and pats me playfully on the back. “It’s time to start your new life, Son, as owner of the company.”
“Oh my God… that’s crazy!” I’m utterly blown away. “Thank you so, so much.”
“You will have to learn the ropes with me now, although I’m sure you have more than enough experience to pick it up quickly. Whenever you’re rested and ready to begin, let’s do it.”
“Can I begin on Monday?” I ask excitedly. “I can’t wait, and I have some ideas too, some things I picked up along the way…” I trail off when I see my dad’s dubious face. “But just suggestions, I’m not going to be a nightmare or anything. I’m sorry, I’m just really looking forward to it.”
Dad throws his head back and he laughs. “Oh God, it’s great to see you so passionate.”
“We should have a party,” Mom jumps in. “To celebrate the promotion and you coming home. We should invite all the neighbors and have a real celebration. It’ll be fun. Oh, and Kade, you can invite some of your high school friends, or people you hung out with at college. We’ll have everyone come around.”
Even now, even after all this time, I know for a fact that I won’t invite anyone from college. They are all from the bad patch in my life and I don’t want to be reminded of that. I also don’t want the million and one questions about what happened to me. Even if they’ve all moved on I’m sure they will still want to know and I just can’t discuss it. I’m ashamed of myself. There’s only one person from college I would like to see, but she might count as a neighbor or a high school friend. Or more likely, she won’t want to come.
Lucie Smith… the girl who has always been at the back of my mind, no matter where I’ve been.
Occasionally, I tried to see the world through her eyes, especially the places I know for sure that she wanted to go. I felt like I brought a piece of her along with my heart. I don’t know if I ever really got over her because she will always be an enigma to me, the one who could have been, the one who got away, or whatever. But never mind, I can’t get lost down the rabbit hole of the past, what’s done is done.
I don’t want to be one of those people who has to live with a whole bunch of ‘what ifs’.
“A party sounds great, Mom, thank you, but I’ll let you do all of the inviting. I haven’t kept in touch with people since I’ve been away, so I wouldn’t even know who to invite anyway.”
She cocks her head curiously at me, as if she doesn’t totally buy that excuse, but she nods and she goes with it anyway. “Okay, good, that sounds amazing. We’ll do it next weekend then, after you start work.”
A party, work, real life… it’s all going to be weird, but in a really good way. I’m really looking forward to it all. I’m stronger now, ready to face what may or may not happen. Ready to finally be the man that I was always supposed to be.
“It’s good to be home,” I tell them both on impulse. “Thank you for having me back.”
18
Lucie
“Mommy?” I hear the little lovely voice call me from the other room. “Mommy!”
Every time he calls me, my heart swells with love and pride. Giving up my place at college to take the rest of my classes at home was the hardest decision that I ever had to make. But the best too, because it gave me Logan. It was a scary decision at such a young age, but it was the right one. I thank my stars every single day that I found the bravery inside of me to make that decision. If I didn’t, I don’t know where I would be.
My parents helped, of course, my mom has been very supportive from moment one. She came to get me from college as soon as I found out that I was pregnant and she took me to a doctor. Then she took me to every single one of my appointments. It took a while, but eventually I told her the father’s identity, which is when I learned the truth. Kade got kicked out of college and sent away by his dad. He’s been out of the country ever since. I don’t know what that means in regards to what me and him could have been, but it doesn’t matter.
“Yes, sweetie? I’ll be in there in a second, I’m just sorting you out something to eat. Can it wait?”
“Where’s Nanny?” he yells back, probably searching for my mom. I know that we should probably move out of my parent’s home at some point, but right now we have enough space and it suits us all. Mom and Dad want to see Logan all the time, and it gives me a much needed rest too. It’s the perfect set up. “Is she here?”
“She’s just popped out to the shops, baby.” At least it isn’t important. “I’ll be there in a moment.”
I grab his lunch plate and take it into the living room. As my boy turns to face me, I’m hit with how much he looks like Kade again. He’s a spitting image. I’m surprised Kade’s mom, who see’s Logan a lot, hasn’t clocked. My mom wanted to tell her at first but I begged her not to because I didn’t want him to find out. Of he was off in another country doing his own thing, I didn’t want this to change things. I didn’t think it’s work.
I hope that wasn’t the wrong thing to do, I query it every day, but I can’t come up with an answer.
“Hey, Logan. Here’s your food,” I tell my boy wearily. “Where do you want to sit to eat it? On the couch?”
He doesn’t take it from me, I can see by his quizzical expression that he has something that he wants to ask me, so I pause and wait. Sometimes it takes him a few moments to get there but he always does in the end.
“Mommy, on the TV the said ‘Father’s Day’.” My heart sinks, I forgot about that. It’s the one day a year I try
to avoid. “Where is my Daddy?” He cocks his head to one side and waits for me. “Do I have a Dad?”
I try to be honest but it really isn’t easy considering the situation. I don’t want to hurt Logan. “Of course you have a daddy, everyone does, honey. It’s just that your daddy is away on business. He has to do a job.”
“When will he be back so I can meet him?” He always asks this, ever since he was able to string sentences together and it breaks my heart every single time. “Some daddy’s live with their family. Like Abe’s does.”
Oh God, again with the heart break. I know that Logan doesn’t understand what he’s saying, but it gets me every time. It’s almost like he can sense my biggest regret and he’s just going for it, trying to break me.
“I know, darling, but every single family is different. We will have to see what your daddy gets home, okay? Now, eat your lunch and when Nanny is back maybe we’ll go to the play park or something.”
Much to my relief, he does as I ask and takes a seat to eat. I feel bad every single day, I hate the way I feel about keeping Kade in the dark. If he does happen to come back, it’s going to be really messy, but I felt messy at the time. I didn’t know what I was doing, I kept thinking I would do something at the next step. But pregnancy was hard, giving birth was really difficult, then having a new born was impossible, it never got any easier so I didn’t change my mind. Then, I had left it too long and it was too hard. There’s a small part of me that lives in terror every single day that I’ll get found out. I get scared that he already knows and that he doesn’t want to ever see me again because of it. I would like to think that Kade isn’t a coward, but I guess I don’t know him really. I kept thinking that I did, but that was childish of me. Basically, I was an idiot. I convinced myself that I was in love with someone that I didn’t even know, just because I wanted to know him.