by Ford, Mia
“Lucie?” he finally comes back onto the phone. “I’m sorry about that, I have to…”
“Fuck you, Kade,” I spit down the line. “Fuck you to hell. You will always be this way. It’s time that I learn.” Embarrassment crashes through me, at the same speed as rage. “Never, ever again.”
Then I hang up the phone and I learn forward to clutch onto my knees. I’m panting, breathlessly, completely stripped of everything from that call. He’s taken every scrap of self dignity that I’d built up and now I have nothing all over again. I’m back to being the sad, lonely girl, sitting on the bathroom floor, clutching onto a positive pregnancy test and knowing that my life is going to change forever.
It takes me a while, but eventually I build up the confidence to go inside. Mom waits for me, she stares at me expectantly, but all I can do is shake my head. I communicate that everything is still a shit mess without actually having to say those dreaded words. Then, the tears really start to roll.
“Oh, my goodness, Lucie.” Mom wraps me up in her arms. “I know that this is a real shame, but just try to think of it as not much changing. You’ve don’t it on your own so far, and you’ve done a great job.”
“But… we weren’t rejected then,” I say while shaking with sobs. “Now, we are. Now, he doesn’t want us.”
Before, things could change as well. I always had the knowledge that things might be different in the long run, when I finally worked up the courage to tell him, but there isn’t any coming back from this. Now, I know that nothing will ever change again. Kade can tell me that he wants to see Logan when he’s drunk, but his actions speak far louder than his words. I’m sure that he’ll be gone before long.
Poor Logan, poor, poor Logan. I have let him down and I feel horrible for it.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” Mom continues. “But you need to find that inner strength because it’s got you to this point. You can’t let him defeat you. You didn’t before and you can’t now.”
I nod and agree, acting the part, but inside I don’t feel like I can pull through once more. It was so challenging the first time, he hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. I would like to think that I can again, but I can’t be sure. I don’t feel like I have any steel left inside of me now.
I leave Mom and I make my way up the stairs, but not all the way to my bedroom. Instead I go to Logan’s room and I perch on the edge of his bed, watching my little angel sleep. I love him so much, with all of my being, I want to give him happiness, I want to give him everything, I want him to have the family that he deserves. I think that’s what kills me the most, that I can’t give him that most basic thing.
“I’m sorry, Logan,” I mutter, as if he can hear me. “Sorry for everything. I didn’t think all of this would become such a problem when I had you. I didn’t know that it would mean so much.”
I don’t suppose that it will to him, it isn’t like he’ll know any different, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it myself. I lean down and I kiss him on the forehead, trying not to wake him as I do. He stirs a little, but not much. Thankfully, he’s a heavy sleeper. Something he gets from the father that it seems he’ll never know…
33
Kade
Urgh, what the hell? I force my eyes open, ignoring the horrible, groggy sensation, and I push myself into a sitting position. What the fuck did I get up to last night? Why do I feel like I’m going to die?
“Oh, you’re awake.” As I hear a distinctly female voice, my first instinct is to panic. If I can’t remember anything, then maybe I did something really crazy, but it soon hits me that it’s Mom and I’m fine. “You do realize that you’ve crashed out on the couch, don’t you? But I couldn’t carry you up to bed, the state that you were in.” Through my foggy vision, I can see her shaking her head at me. “You thought that you were at a motel and you kept saying all of this weird stuff about not being with a woman. What woman? I don’t get it.”
“Urgh, yeah I don’t know what that’s about.” I rub my head hard trying to get rid of the throbbing sensation. “I don’t know what happened, Mom, it’s all a bit of a blur if I’m honest. Any chance of a coffee?”
“Coffee?” she practically screams back. “You storm out of here yesterday, potentially about to unravel the biggest secret that our family has ever faces, and then you don’t come back until after midnight, stinking of booze and making absolutely no sense whatsoever. I’m not happy with you at all!”
He hands fall onto her hips and she glares at me. In the cold light of day, with agony radiating through my body, I can see that maybe she is right. I did act like a massive idiot yesterday. One thing I can remember through all the brain mush is calling Lucie and somehow fucking it right up all over again.
“He is my son, Mom,” I tell her quietly. “That’s why I panicked and got drunk. And before you tell me, I know that I’m an utter idiot. What I don’t know is what to do about it, how to make it right…”
“So, Logan is my grandson.” Her face breaks out into the biggest smile that I’ve ever seen. “I have to say, that is the best news that I think I’ve ever had. I was a bit shocked at first, but then I spent all day thinking about it and I decided that I don’t care. I know that Lucie will have done what she thought was right. She didn’t tell me because she wanted to tell you first, and she waited to tell you, to protect her boy.”
Mom’s words make me groan. They only make me feel even worse for the way that I’ve acted. If my mother can be so rational about something so insane, then why can’t I? What is wrong with me?
“You know what you need to do?” She stands up and looms over me. “You need to get in the shower, get rid of that smell and make yourself look like a human being once more. Then you need to get your sorry ass to Lucie’s house and you need to repair whatever damage you’ve done. I don’t care what it is, just fix it.”
“Isn’t that easier said than done?” I ask desperately, still needing caffeine to help me. “How am I supposed to fix all the damage that I’ve made? I don’t know how bad you think it is, Mom. It’s bad. I’ve been a fool.”
She rolls her eyes and huffs at me. “Things can be fixed if you really put your mind to it. I think you know that as well as I do, and this boy needs to be your motivating factor. You are his father.”
“I love her as well,” I tell Mom quietly, needing her to know it all now. There’s no point in holding it in. “I love Lucie so much. I’ve loved her since college. I want her to be my motivating factor too.”
Mom’s face bursts into a bright, happy smile. “Well, that’s even better news. Now you and Lucie can have a proper family. If you play your cards right now, you really can absolutely have it all. I know that it won’t be easy, but you can. It’s going to be a little bit more than just saying I’m sorry, but you can do it.”
I don’t bother to argue with her logic, I simply do as she says and I force my sorry ass into the shower. As the hot water rushes over me, I do recall speaking to Lucie and her speaking about some woman who I think she thought that I was hooking up with. It wasn’t, of course, it was the bachelorette party which I guess I couldn’t explain. In my idiotic drunken state, I couldn’t make myself make any sense. For God sake I was a fool. Now I really need to sort myself out and apologize… again! It seems like all I do is say sorry to Lucie. That’s a pattern I really need to change. I want this to be the last stupid thing that I ever do. I know that might be realistic, but I’m going to make a concerted effort to be a better person. Lucie deserves that.
Once I’m out the shower, I feel a surge of determination. I shove my clothes on rapidly, forming a plan in my head. I need to go big, I need to make a serious gesture so that she knows I’m serious, and I think I might know what to do. I don’t head back to the kitchen to see Mom, I need to find my father first. For the next part of my plan, I need his help. It means I’ll have to reveal the truth about Logan to him as well, but that’s okay. He deserves to know and it’s much better that he doe
s in case it affects my work for the moment. This might be the one and only excuse that I’ll be able to get away with…
* * *
With a trembling hand, I knock on Lucie’s door. I might have put in a lot of effort to make today the best that it can be, I can’t get rid of the intense nerves that are cascading through my body. I’m well aware that Lucie might slam the door in my face. I really hope that she doesn’t, but she would be well within her rights.
I duck in a deep breath as the door swings open and try to make myself look as friendly as I can.
“Oh,” Lucie says, glowering when she sees that it’s me. “What are you doing here?”
I hold my hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I have just come to talk. I’m only asking for a chance.”
She pauses, resting her weary frame up against the door and she runs her eyes up and down my body. “Right, I see. And you’re sober today, are you?” I nod, taking it on the chin. “Okay fine, come in.”
I follow her inside, all the way up to her bedroom, and wrap my fingers around the small box in my pocket. Soon I’ll get to reveal my plan to her, and I simply cannot wait. Of course, I can’t just jump ahead. That never works. If this whole situation has taught me anything, then it’s to try and be calm.
Lucie shuts her bedroom door behind her and she folds her arms across her chest. “Well?” she demands.
“Okay, first off I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have freaked out yesterday and I definitely made a mistake heading to the bar, but the women behind me were a bachelorette party. They spoke to me a bit, about you mostly, but that was it. There honestly wasn’t anything in it. I promise you that I’m not like that anymore.”
“How do I know that?” she asks, quite reasonably if I’m honest.
“I suppose you don’t right now, but I hope that you’ll give me the time to prove myself.” Lucie doesn’t reply, but her expression relaxes enough for me to continue. “Look, now that I’m more used to everything I can understand everything that you did. It wasn’t ever about me, I know that now. I overreacted. I shouldn’t have, but I did. And now… well now, I want to forget about what I’ve missed and make up for lost time instead.” I breathe deep, steeling myself for what I’m about to say next. “And I want you to know that I love you too. I want to be in both your lives. If you don’t want me, I’ll still want to be around for Logan…”
“Of course I want you!” she exclaims, exasperated. “I’ve always wanted you.”
I laugh awkwardly. “What, even after I made an idiot of myself last night?”
“Yes… even after that.” She nods slowly. “It isn’t going to be easy, but I do.”
I grab the box out of my pocket and I show it to her. Her eyes widen in surprise, so I open it quickly. I don’t want her to get the wrong end of the stick. I show her the contents of it and I smile. “I have brought us a house at the end of this street.” Unsurprisingly, she gasps in shock. “Now I’m not saying that we all have to move into it right now, but it gives us our own space and also leaves us near enough to our parents so they don’t have to lose out on Logan’s life as well.” I pass the key over to her. “You can stay there yourself if you want, it isn’t a now plan, it’s a future thing…” I trail off, wondering if I’ve overstepped the mark again.
“You always do overstep the boundaries, don’t you? Sometimes you make me laugh.”
But then Lucie wraps her arms around my neck and she presses her lips against mine, showing me that I’m forgiven. At least somewhat, for now. I know that it isn’t going to be a simple process and that it’ll take time for me to really prove myself. But at least this this a step in the right direction. Finally! It’s taken me long enough to get here. I wrap my arms around her and love the sensation of her mouth against mine.
“It’s the little cottage,” I tell her once we pull away. “The one that you always loved when we were kids, do you remember? You used to say that you wanted to live there with a horse in the back garden?”
“I did,” she chuckles happily at the memory. “I remember thinking that but I don’t recall saying it aloud. I really did share everything with you, didn’t I? Maybe even too much.”
“I want you to share everything with me. I hope that doesn’t end. Honestly, I love it. Although I don’t know about the horse. At least not just yet. It might not be the wisest idea.”
“No, but getting stables out in the back garden might be,” she replies with a flirty wink. “So, I suppose before we even think about that, there’s something that we need to do first.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” I glance playfully towards the bed, secretly hoping…
“I think it’s time that we tell Logan about who you are.” Her words make my heart flutter. “He’s always known that his father was away on business, which was the truth, and I always told him that there was a chance he would come back, so in a way he’s been waiting for the moment forever.”
So, he always knew about my existence. Lucie was always going to give me a chance. Now I feel even worse about my behavior. But at least now I have all the time in the world to make up for it. I take her hand and let Lucie lead me down the stairs towards the moment where everything will become that much more real. I truly cannot wait.
34
Lucie
Heading down the stairs to finally tell Logan the truth petrifies me. I don’t know how he’s going to react, which makes me want to run for the hills. I’ve always known that this moment would come, but I didn’t expect it to be today. After last night, I thought it would be a very long time, but my life has a way of surprising me when I least expect it. And this whole house business… well that is insane! I knew my dream home was for sale but I never thought that I would be the one to own it, or to live there or whatever.
My breaths are a little ragged, my heart bouncing in my chest, but with Kade’s hand in mine I feel like I can actually tackle this without completely falling apart. I find Logan with Mom in the kitchen, making cupcakes. They’re having the best time together, I hate to interrupt it, but I do need to do this now.
“Oh!” Mom looks surprised as she sees us together. “Lucie, Kade. Is everything okay?”
“All is good, Mom,” I reassure her with a smile. “We just need to have a word with Logan.”
I give her a meaningful look so that she knows what I intend to do. Mom nods, wipes her hands on her apron and exits the room, leaving us all alone to finally get the truth out. She might have gotten the hint, but Logan hasn’t. He remains where he is, dipping his fingers into the cake mix like that’s the only thing he’s ever been given to eat. Now that Nanny isn’t around to watch him, he’s taking full advantage!
“Logey, sweetheart,” I say in a soft tone of voice. “Do you mind if we have a little chat?”
“Hmm?” He turns and hops off his stool then stands in front of me giving me an expectant look.
“Logan.” I don’t know where to start with this, maybe I should have come up with some sort of plan. “Erm, well, you know how I always told you that your dad was away travelling?” He nods, his little face falling. I don’t think he ever expects this story to end with good news, which is so sad considering his young age. “Well, he’s back now. He’s been away working very hard to provide a good life for you and now he’s here.”
“He is?” Logan looks at Kade. “Do you know who he is?”
I can’t help but laugh at this comment. “Oh sweetie, it is Kade. I know that you’ve met him before and I didn’t tell you then, which maybe was wrong of me, but I wanted to make sure that you two would like each other first. I didn’t want to tell you if you didn’t get along with him…”
My words trail off, because Logan leaps into Kade’s arms. He looks happier than I have ever seen him before which just warms up my heart. I know that I haven’t always done everything right, I’m very far from perfect, but witnessing this moment confirms that at least I haven’t screwed things up irrevocably. There’s still hope for all of u
s. We’re a long way off that perfect family picture, but closer than we have been in a very long time, and that’s enough for me. Father and son, holding onto each other is just wonderful.
“Can we play football again?” Logan asks while bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet like an excitable bunny. “I love playing with you. I always win!”
“Of course we can! I would love that. Come on, let’s hope over the bushes to my parent’s home now. Maybe we can even go in and say hello?” I nod, confirming that I don’t mind that at all. Logan knows Kade’s parents anyway, it’ll be a change to know who they really are, but I have hope that we’ll get there. “Let’s go.”
I watch then leave, my heart swelling with pride and joy, this is everything…
* * *
This day has been incredible, my head has been spinning all the time. After the game of football, Kade’s parents came over to our house and we all had an awesome family day. Luckily, because no one knows that my mom knew – which is a secret that I take to my grave, just because I think it’ll be hurtful to say – no one had any issues with one another. The amount of times that I assumed all this would explode, I was wrong. It’s been beautiful, I’m very lucky. It isn’t everyone who can let out a secret and have it go so well.
“So, now that our body is in bed…” Kade says to me playfully. “Do you want to go and see the house?”