by C. M. Owens
“You don’t get it, do you?” he asks, stepping forward. Hunter puts a hand on his chest again, as though he’s prepared to restrain him. “You are her biggest damn weakness. You’re the reason she came back. That motherfucking bowling alley is bullshit. She just wanted to relive her best days, and I don’t give a damn what she says. That’s the real truth. You! All because of you.”
I swallow against the knot in my throat as tears fill up in his eyes. He looks exhausted and drained, as though the world is suddenly collapsing on his shoulders.
“I failed her once. Never again. I’ll never let this happen again,” he says on a choked sob, then clears his throat.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Hunter groans.
Aidan cuts his eyes to him. “Yes it was. I told Mika to deal with Mom. I wanted to move out as badly as she did, but it was too much fucking drama for me. I was always letting Mika do the dirty work while I sat back and chilled. I’m the one who told her to tell Mom we were leaving that night. I knew there’d be a fight. I knew it would be ugly. I just… I never fucking expected…” His words trail off, and he seals his lips when the strain of the guilt makes him fight to keep his tone.
He clears his throat again and wipes at his eyes. No one says a word.
Finally, he looks over at the hospital, staring vacantly at the busy entrance of the ER before speaking again.
“I failed her more than once. I sent her to that fucking sadistic son of a bitch. He pushed her limits daily, intentionally hit her triggers. It was psychological torture disguised as therapy. And Mika wouldn’t leave because she didn’t want to be a burden on me. Three years. She stayed in there for three fucking years, endured all that pain daily just to keep me from having to be saddled with her.”
He drops back and slides down the car as his tears start falling, and I watch as he sobs into his hands. I’ve never seen someone break down so thoroughly, and I end up having to sit back down as I watch, feeling nothing but guilty.
I lost Mika because I gave her up. I pushed her away to make her life better. And she went through this alone. I only wanted her life to be free and happy. I never… I never thought her life would be worse.
“They had to sedate her and restrain her to the bed all the time because she’d lose it,” he whispers through the strain. “They’d push her limits, and she’d lose it. She stayed in hell because I put her there, and she didn’t want to be a problem for me.”
Everything… This all feels like my fucking fault.
“She’d have never been able to be with you,” Hunter tells me randomly, causing me to snap my head up. I feel something wet slide down my face, and I realize it’s a stray tear.
I wipe it away and clear my throat.
“Their mother was on some pills their uncle hooked her up with, and she was drinking on top of that. She refused to let them leave. Mika would have been in that hallway and in front of that bannister no matter what went down between you two,” he says on a sigh. “This isn’t on anyone standing out here right now, so both of you stop trying to claim the guilt.”
I never said anything, but apparently guilt is written on my face.
“You need to go,” Aidan says quietly, looking up at me.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying. I realize I have to make some changes, but—”
He snorts loudly, almost snarling, and he glares up at me.
“Some changes? You’d have to make lifestyle changes galore. You think you know what to do? There’s literally a whole fucking book on Mika. Yeah. That sadistic son of a bitch wrote a book on her case. Mika unknowingly signed a waver to get the free treatment from him and his legion of sociopaths. They can’t use her last name, but so fucking what. He had a bestseller from her pain during those three years of trials. The bastard even took credit for the success she’s had since her ‘recovery,’ if that’s what you want to call it.”
Hunter walks away, and I continue staring at Aidan.
“He was praised by the psychological community for his success,” Aidan goes on, angrily spitting out the last word. “I had to get a court order to halt his therapy. I went through hell to get her out of there and find her a real psychiatrist. Mika can’t have drugs because the side effects always induce possible suicidal tendencies. With an irrational brain during agitation, it makes the side effects more severe. Everything has to be organic. She can’t even schedule fucking appointments to see a shrink, so imagine how hard it was to find one who would allow her to just show up at random.”
Blake blows out a breath as he lowers himself to the ground. Standing isn’t easy for any of us at this point. Everything feels heavy and intimidating. Mika… Mika is a survivor like I never knew, and I spent my life thinking she was better off.
“She can’t drive longer than fifteen minutes, because she ends up driving until she runs out of gas, going around in circles. She can’t work a puzzle because she gets frustrated too quickly if a piece that should fit doesn’t line up properly. She can’t read directions because they don’t make sense to her. She can’t cook, and she loved it. She can’t… She can’t ever have kids either. Her life is all about survival and getting better one day at a time. It’s not just a few changes you have to make. See?”
I start to speak, but he cuts me off.
“You love her. I get it,” he says angrily. “She was the one who got away and all that. But tell me you can quit your shop, because you can’t have a regular work schedule around her. She’ll expect you to go in at exactly the same time. You won’t get sick days. Tell me you can function without an alarm clock, or eat at random times, or never watch a new TV series, or screen movies that don’t have cliffhanger endings, or even plan out a vacation. She can’t fly—planes have flight times. She can’t go on a cruise—boats have port times. She can’t plan anything.”
Blake looks over at me, as though he’s silently imploring me to just drop this. Neither of them fucking understand.
“It’s just been a couple of weeks, dude,” Blake finally says. “She needs—”
“Stay out of it,” I growl, watching his lips tense. “It was years. Don’t you get it? From the time I was eleven until now, Mika has been it. Even before I noticed girls in that way, she was it for me.”
“She’s not the same,” Blake groans. “Twelve years is a long time, and she’s obviously different. Aidan is her brother, and he knows what’s best—”
“I said stay out of it!” I snap, jerking back to my feet and glowering down at him. He looks away, and I turn back toward Aidan.
“She’s still the same,” I tell him, as though he’s the one who said she wasn’t.
“No, she’s not,” Aidan snarls. “She never will be the girl you knew during summer.”
“She’s the same girl. Treating her like she’s someone else is probably half her stress.”
He slowly stands, fists clenching at his sides.
“That’s the problem! She wants to be that girl again. It’s why she wouldn’t tell you! She wants to be normal so bad that it’s killing her. But she’s not! She never fucking will be again. She’s always going to have—”
“Problems,” I interrupt. “She’s going to have certain boundaries. I get it. But I can and will find a way to be what she needs. She is the same person. If anything, she’s stronger than she ever was and more appreciative of every fucking day that she doesn’t have someone staring at her like she’s broken. Mika never wanted to be weak or look weak. Twelve years I’ve done nothing but waste all my time wondering ‘what if’ and what’d I’d give for a second chance. I don’t give a shit about changing my life, because I haven’t felt alive in years. Go fuck yourself. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll do whatever I have to.”
He shakes his head in disgust, and Blake groans.
“All your dreams will end. Love your shop? Too bad. You can’t have a normal job with normal scheduled hours. Want a family? Too bad. Mika had her tubes tied because children have schedules—babies have schedules. L
ike the freedom to change your mind about what you’re doing, such as having a beer after work instead of coming by her house like you said? Too bad. If you know Mika so well, then tell me she’d let you give up your life to be with her.”
There’s no anger in Aidan’s voice this time. It’s just a hollow sadness… a sound of defeat.
“I’ve only ever had one dream. She’s inside that hospital. I gave up my dream to make sure she didn’t get dragged into my hell. Mika isn’t the only one who has been in survival mode. So yeah, fuck all the rest.”
“Mika can’t even know the amount of money in her bank account. One penny. That’s all it would take to mess her up. She’d expect to know where every cent was. I have to pay her bills. She doesn’t even realize how much money she makes. She can’t hear estimates—like with the bowling alley. She gets the final number of a cost. I have to be vague when I tell her she has enough to cover something she wishes to purchase. It’s everything and anything you can think of… You have to rework your mind to be programmed like hers. You don’t get it.”
“I can though,” I argue.
He turns and walks away, heading back inside the hospital, as though he’s sick of arguing. There’s nothing he can say to change my damn mind. If he had any clue about how fucking obsessed I’ve been with her since I was a kid, he wouldn’t be arguing at all.
I start to return as well, but Hunter is suddenly in front of me and pushing a book against my chest. I never knew he came back.
I look down and take it as he releases it, and he sighs hard before meeting my gaze.
“Read that before you commit to anything,” he says softly.
My eyes drop to the book. The Curious Case of Mika A by Dr. Herald Kravitz.
“Mika A was the name of his case file on her. They all had their own. Mika B, Mika C, Mika D… You get the idea. That’s everything about her and her triggers. It also includes the severity of her tics. It’s not a simple thing to just brush off. It’s severe, dude.”
I start to open it, when Blake asks Hunter a question.
“How’d you get tangled up in all this?”
I look up as Hunter gives a sad smile.
“Met her at Dr. Stein’s office,” he says while pocketing his hands. “My dad is big in politics and a bit of an ass. I was the twenty-one-year-old stereotype who was lashing out for attention. Got into a major fight and fucked a guy up pretty good. Instead of going to jail, I got off with court-mandated anger management—courtesy of Dad pulling strings to keep me from fucking up his reputation.”
Blake cocks an eyebrow and Hunter smirks.
“I met Mika in the waiting room. She didn’t do appointment times. I hit on her, of course. Hell, I’d hit on anyone back then, but she was hella hot and crazy chicks were in style.”
When my grip causes the book in my hand to whine, Hunter flashes me a grin.
“Relax, she shot me down. Told me I didn’t want to fuck her. She was wrong.”
Again, the book whines, and he continues.
“After seeing her a few more times, we got to talking about anything and everything. She told me up front that no times or conflicting statements were allowed. I didn’t get it, but I went along with it. Turns out, she was the first person to ever actually listen to me, and I got used to having her to talk to. It was better than therapy, to be honest. Then one day I was late for an appointment. It wouldn’t have been an issue—since Mika never allowed me to state my appointment times—but the secretary announced to Dr. Stein that her five o’ clock was running late.”
He exhales harshly before running a hand through his hair.
“Mika flipped. She broke some shit. It was during the ‘early years,’ as she likes to call them. She’d just gotten out of the intense therapy with Kravitz. She didn’t hurt herself, but she shattered a vase and stomped on all the small pieces over and over until she could be calmed down. I walked in during the middle of it. After that, we got coffee, and Mika told me the whole story. I don’t know why, since she never told anyone else about her stuff. I guess we just clicked, and she trusted me. Not in a sexual way,” he says, adding that last part when I drop the book to the ground.
“Anyway, that shit changed me. All my issues seemed so damn petty after realizing what she had going on. I met up with Aidan shortly after. Dr. Stein and Aiden helped me realize the risks of a friendship. But I was determined. For once, it felt like I was doing something for someone instead of expecting shit. It really did alter the way I saw things and made me appreciate all the things I took for granted. I actually felt good about myself, and I quit doing all the bullshit. Even started my own very successful business and detached myself from my toxic family. Mika and Aidan are my family now. I’d do anything for them, and neither of them ever take it for granted. It feels… I feel like a person because of her and Aidan. My own person. Fuck the rest of the world.”
“Did she encourage you to wear those terribly tight jeans?” Blake asks, trying to lessen the heaviness of the air around us.
Hunter snorts and flips him off. “I will wear some normal fitted jeans just for you, asshole.”
Picking the book back up, I study the cover. It’s not Mika, but there’s a girl on the cover who is huddled in a corner of a white room as she stares blankly off to the side. It makes my chest feel heavy, and a sickness creeps into my stomach. That was Mika, even if it’s not actually her in the picture.
“Read it,” Hunter says, causing my gaze to move away from the sad picture. “Read all of it. Being her friend took some major adjustments in my life. It was sure as hell worth it. I love her like she’s my own sister. But being in a relationship with her will take twice the effort and ten times the dedication.”
I open the flap, glancing over page one that immediately jumps into the night she had emergency surgery.
“Dedication and effort won’t be an issue.”
It’s the fucking truth. There’s no reason I’d give her up a second time after feeling like I’ve been floating through life for all these years.
They consider it a sacrifice… I consider it to be hope. It’s been a long time since I felt hope.
Chapter 41
MIKA
Guilt. It’s the bane of my existence. And I’m choking on guilt when Aidan walks into my room—on the psych floor. My hands are restrained against the bedrails with the leather cuffs like I’m back in Kravitz’s hell. I’m doing well not to freak out, but the pressure is gone. I can’t believe… I hate myself for letting it get that far.
Overconfidence usually results in epic failure. I was definitely overconfident.
Aidan’s eyes are red and puffy, letting me know he’s been crying. That’s my fault. My brother has suffered enough because of me, and I just put him through this so that I could have a few weeks of the heaven I lost so long ago.
It was worth it to me just to be with Chase again. It’s all I ever dreamed about, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But it’s not worth it for Aidan, and I know it. It was selfish. And I was wrong to do this to him.
Tears fill my eyes when he gives me a forced, sad smile and sits down near my bed.
“I’ve talked to them and explained what’s going on. They’ll get these things off you once they speak to Dr. Stein,” he tells me hoarsely, motioning to my cuffs.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, feeling a hot tear roll down my cheek.
Aidan immediately wipes away his own fresh tears and clears his throat several times.
“Dr. Stein is going to fly out here soon. She wants to have a face-to-face with you.” He reaches over and pushes my hair away from my face, and I feel another tear roll from my eye. “They won’t release you from these damn things until she’s evaluated you anyway. Then she’s going to stay with you for a while.”
“She can’t do that. She has other patients.”
“She’s passed them off onto someone else. She wants to devote her attention to you. Don’t worry, you’ll be paying her to compensate.”
<
br /> He gives me a lopsided smile, but it doesn’t ease the tension surrounding us.
I just nod, unable to form anymore words without the fear of crying. I don’t want to cry in front of him. It’ll only hurt him worse.
“This is just a small setback,” he says with that same forced smile. “You’ll be fine after a while.”
He removes his hand and clasps his fingers together in his lap while staring at me like I’m the most pitiful thing he’s ever seen. I hate that look. I hate what I’ve put him through. Again.
“Do you ever wonder where you’d be if I hadn’t been hurt that night?” I ask him quietly.
He snorts derisively while shaking his head.
“You’re all I have Mika. I’d be wherever you are, regardless of the circumstances. Just you and me.”
“And Hunter,” I remind him, smiling like my heart isn’t breaking.
He nods, laughing lightly. “And Hunter. You two are my only family. Hell, my only friends.”
And that’s my fault too. He won’t ever tell me, but it’s because of me he doesn’t have friends. He’s too focused on me.
“Can you send Hunter in?” I ask him, ignoring the next tear that rolls down my cheek. “And give us a moment?”
He nods. “Yeah. I have some more paperwork to fill out anyway.”
As he leaves, I make a decision I never thought I’d have to. I can’t be selfish anymore. And Aidan refuses to make a decision that isn’t unselfish.
I’m toxic. To him. To Hunter. To everyone.
Just because I’m broken, it doesn’t mean that I have to break everyone else in my path. I’ve been under the illusion that one day I’d be better. That one day they’d be free of my burden.
I wish I was unselfish enough to just end it… End me. But I can’t. I’ve fought too hard to survive to just end it now. That doesn’t mean I can’t do something else to free them though.