The Enumerations

by Máire Fisher

  Is this what betrayal feels like? A dark and emotionless void? Everything solid now vanished. Everything she once stood on, whipped away from under her. It must do. Because here she is, floating without feeling. Trying to find something to grab on to. But how can she steady herself in a world where all that was once trusted and true is false? Where she’s the fool, the dupe, the sucker who swallowed it all – the hook, the sinker and the long line of lies trailing behind?

  She’s walking behind Dominic, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. He turns, waits for her to join him, but she shakes her head. They’re walking to the ‘little coffee shop’ that Dominic knows all about. Dominic sits in a coffee shop in a retirement village, every Sunday, with his sister, Harriet. Harriet Davenport. Kate’s sister-in-law. The thought lands with a dull thud and then rolls away.

  Left foot, right foot, one foot in front of the other until they reach the place where everything will be explained.

  Kate’s mind is clearing, it’s trying to force an idea to the surface.

  Reason. The word fights free.

  There must be a reason, but what? What could be so awful that a man could keep a secret like this, and for so long?

  But Harriet knew. Dominic shared something with his sister that he couldn’t tell his wife.

  Other thoughts are pounding through now, crashing so hard she staggers, lurches sideways and leans against the wall.

  Her husband is an imposter. Imposter. Fraud. Cheat. He’s a trickster, a con artist. Her husband is all of these things and like everything this man turns his hand to, he has done it all so very well.

  And now comes the hurt, so sharp and so deep, she wonders why her heart is still beating.

  232.

  15:51

  They’re sitting in a circle around a small table: Kate, Dominic, Maddie, Juliet and Noah. Mr Bill’s there too, waiting to take Juliet and Noah back to Greenhills.

  Noah’s mother examines the menu: ‘Well, I don’t see g&t here, so a strong coffee will have to do.’ Her voice is light, like she’s making a joke, but there’s no hint of a smile on her face. She’s sitting opposite her husband, but when he leans forward and says, ‘Kate, I—’ she pushes her chair back so hard that it scrapes into the wall behind her.

  ‘Maybe we should discuss this at home,’ his father says, and she flinches and pushes her body back even more.

  ‘“Home”, Dominic?’

  Maddie looks over at Noah, scared. Juliet’s also looking worried and Noah must be too, because his mother tries to smile and says, ‘Sorry, Noah. Mads. Sorry, Juliet. I’m sorry for being rude.’

  ‘Would you like me to leave, Mrs Groome?’ Juliet asks, her voice small. ‘I can wait in the car.’

  Noah grabs her arm before his mother can reply. ‘Stay, Juliet. You’re the one who—’

  ‘Yes,’ Maddie’s determined, nodding her head. ‘Juliet’s the one who came up with the plan, Mom, Dad. She’s brilliant. She knew exactly what we should do. And it worked, didn’t it, Juliet?’

  ‘I’m not sure it did, actually,’ Juliet says and Noah’s never seen her look so unsure of herself. ‘Look, I—’

  ‘Oh, I think it did, Juliet. Thank you.’ Noah’s mom tries to smile at her, and waits until Juliet gives a small smile back. Then Mr Bill takes charge.

  ‘Why don’t Juliet and I wait over at that table.’ Mr Bill gestures to a small, round table in the corner of the café. ‘We can get a coffee, can’t we, Juliet? Give you folks a bit of time to yourselves.’

  Juliet gives Noah a quick, encouraging smile as Mr Bill ushers her away.

  There’s a small silence, then Noah’s mother looks at her husband for the first time since they walked out of Martha Felix’s room.

  You mean your long-lost grandmother’s room?

  The Dark is growing, ready to consume Noah, but—

  Quiet! he yells inside his head. He doesn’t have time to be messed around. His mother’s talking and he needs to hear what she’s saying.

  233.

  ‘Dominic? Gabriel? Who am I talking to?’

  How could she have slept next to him for all these years and not suspected? She’s lain beside him, night after night, hearing him breathe. She knows the sounds he makes when he dreams. It’s dawning on her now. All this time, and she knew absolutely nothing about him.

  ‘Well? What should I call you?’

  234.

  ‘The bruises showed and she couldn’t hide them from me.’

  Dominic steps away from the memory of his mother’s face. ‘I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt my mother. She was kind, gentle. She never harmed anyone.’ He looks down at his hands, strong fingers, square tips. ‘All I wanted, when I was nine years old, was to hurt him back, but I couldn’t. I was too weak. I couldn’t do anything to help her.’

  Maddie moves closer to him, puts a hand on his leg.

  ‘You were young, Dad,’ she says. ‘Not too weak.’

  ‘Sometimes …’ Dominic’s voice is quiet, ‘sometimes I was so angry with her. Why didn’t she grab that cane and hit him back? Or go to the police and show them her bruises? I didn’t know why we were there. Why we couldn’t just leave.

  ‘Now, of course, I know why, why we were there – money. My father left her destitute. One day the Sheriff of the Court arrived and took practically everything. We were evicted because my father hadn’t kept up the bond payments. He left her penniless, floundering in debt. And then we had to move to his house …’

  ‘So this why you didn’t want to come and see Noah?’ Kate says slowly. It’s the first time she’s spoken since he started his story.

  Dominic rubs his eyes hard. ‘That and a lot more,’ he says, his voice tired. ‘Oh, Kate, there’s so much more I should have told you, but somehow I couldn’t. When we met it was like I was these two people: the boy I was, the man I’ve become. I don’t know if you can understand, but that’s what happened.’

  Kate’s eyes close. ‘Two lives,’ she says. ‘And where do we fit?’

  ‘I was determined to bury Gabriel, not let any part of him make his way into Dominic Groome’s life. That’s how it was when I met you. Honestly. And I managed to keep him buried until …’ Dominic looks at his son and smiles wryly, ‘Noah and his family tree. I was scared when you came home with that project, Noah. You just wouldn’t let it go. All your questions … Nothing I did or said deflected you from needing to know where you come from. You were the catalyst.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘You.’ Dominic leans forward, touches his son’s hand.

  There’ve been lots of firsts today, the first time in ages he’s looked Noah in the eye, the first time in a long time since he’s shown him any affection.

  ‘The more you wanted to know who you were, Noah, the more I wanted to hide who I was. I kept thinking, What happens if they find out? What will happen to this life I’ve built from nothing? This perfect life … I …’ He falters for a moment, shrugs and spreads his hands.

  ‘But you wanted answers, Noah, and suddenly everything was under threat. I was on the defensive, ready to fight to preserve …’ Dominic stops and looks at Kate, but she’s resting her head against the wall and her eyes are still closed. ‘It hit me then. Fight to preserve what? A lie? Fight to bury a kid who had nothing to apologise for?’

  235.

  He will always remember the terror. It was the sound of the fire, the smell of it. Orange dancing in the wet night air, sparks flying, water gushing from the hoses in the firemen’s hands.

  Dominic lifts his hands to his face and smells them.

  ‘I had to wash my hands over and over,’ he tells his family. ‘Again and again, until the smell of soap was stronger than the smell of petrol.’

  So many things to remember about that night. Heat following him along the passage, fire rushing forward, his sister’s thin cry and dry cough as she inhaled the smoky air. Smashing the window, letting Harry go and praying that the earth outside would be s
oft enough to break her fall. Scrambling through after her, scraping the backs of his legs on the broken pane.

  Maddie leans forward when Dominic gets to this part. ‘Oh, Dad. That must have been terrible.’

  ‘It was, Mads,’ he says. ‘It really was.’

  ‘But you got out. And you rescued your sister, too. Everybody must have thought that was brave. Didn’t they say that? That you were really brave?’

  Dominic strokes his daughter’s hair, but his eyes are still on Kate. His wife isn’t looking at him, but her face is more open. ‘Not really,’ he says. ‘It was my mum, you see. She was still standing just outside the kitchen door, holding a can of petrol.’

  ‘And you had to get rid of it?’

  ‘Exactly. I had to make sure no one knew the fire was her fault. I didn’t think about the smell, not then. All I wanted was to hide that can. Keep her safe.’

  ‘So, you didn’t even think they would blame you?’

  ‘Not then,’ Dominic says.

  ‘But later?’

  ‘Later?’ Dominic says, and shrugs. ‘Later they blamed me for everything. The fire, the old man. It was all my fault.’

  ‘But it wasn’t.’ Maddie is close to tears. ‘None of it was.’

  ‘I began to think it was, though. I told myself I should have done something. If I’d shouted loudly, told them what he was like, how he’d treated Mum … Maybe someone would have listened. Instead, I was labelled: a pyromaniac, the boy who let his grandfather die, the boy whose mother couldn’t help him, the boy whose mother was mad. All I wanted was to leave that boy behind. Leave it all behind. Start anew … And that’s what I did. It was all going so well, or so I stupidly thought. Then, along came Noah and his family tree.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Dad.’

  ‘No, Noah. Don’t be. I started allowing myself to wonder, just like you were: Who was Gabriel Felix? What happened to that boy? That led me to other questions. Big ones. What about my sister? What happened to her? And Mum. Was she still alive? Once the thoughts were there, they wouldn’t go away. So, eventually, I hired a pi – Sebastian Crown. He’s the one who found Mum. That’s when I started my Sunday-afternoon runs.’

  ‘And that’s why you didn’t want to come to see me at Greenhills,’ says Noah.

  ‘I couldn’t. Mum … Well, she expects me here now. Every Sunday afternoon. If I’m not here, she gets upset.’

  236.

  16:13

  Noah can see his father is exhausted. His head suddenly sinks forward, like the weight of all he’s telling them is too heavy for his neck to hold. His mother, though, looks like she’s just starting to wake up.

  ‘And your sister?’ she asks. ‘Harriet?’

  ‘It was harder to track Harry down, but eventually Sebastian found her too. Harry and I made this our regular meeting place. Once a week, on a Sunday. We’re getting to know each other. Taking it slow. She’s been encouraging me to tell you the whole story, Kate. And you as well, Maddie, Noah. I told her I would, and I was nearly ready.’ Dominic looks at them in despair.

  ‘And then Kyle Blake and Greenhills happened and suddenly it was even more important that I tell you. But when it came to doing it, opening my mouth and saying the words … I was terrified. What if you walked out, Kate? What if I never saw my children again? What if I made their lives as difficult as mine when my father, my mother …’

  His face is wretched, and Noah wishes his mother would reach for his father’s hand, say something to take the pain out of his eyes.

  But then the waiter arrives with more coffee and Noah’s mother pulls the sugar towards her, opens two sachets and pours them into her husband’s cup. ‘Here, Dom.’

  Something sweet, my pretties? For the shock?

  The voice is high and fluting as a little old lady’s, tucked up in bed, welcoming Noah into a cottage in the woods.

  Such a confusion of lies and secrets.

  That’s right. It’s certainly confusing. And yet, it doesn’t feel chaotic. If anything, the more Noah’s father talks, the more it feels like things are slotting into place, making sense.

  Noah waits though, just to be sure, to see if he needs to use his 5s. His right foot feels like tapping, but then his father starts talking again.

  ‘I wanted to pull both halves of my life together.’ His dad brings his palms together with a small clap. ‘Gabriel, meet Dominic. Dominic meet Gabriel, but then, with Noah in Greenhills and Ms Turner asking all sorts of questions – wanting me to tell her my deepest, darkest secrets – I panicked. I couldn’t do it. Not that quickly, that suddenly and not there, in her rooms. I swung between wanting to put it all out there, and wanting to bury it even deeper than before. I felt cornered, scared. And I was so cruel, Kate.’

  Noah’s mother nods, but says nothing. She’s looking at his father now, her gaze unwavering. It’s not an accusing look, more a questioning one that asks, ‘And now? What more do you have to add?’ She wants the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, Noah thinks, and that’s what his father is ready to give.

  ‘I’d hear the words coming out of my mouth and wonder who this man was, why he was behaving so abominably to the woman he loved. I didn’t know myself, Kate. And I didn’t expect you’d ever forgive me for behaving the way I did … And then, when you told me Noah and Maddie were missing … It was one of the worst moments of my life.’

  ‘Mine too,’ says Noah’s mother.

  ‘I felt like it was all my fault. If I’d been there with you. If I’d kept a better eye on all of us …’

  237.

  ‘… a better eye on all of us …’

  Kate ducks her head. If she hadn’t been so involved in thoughts of Mr Bill … She looks over now to where he’s seated, talking to Juliet, and sees a tall, compassionate man. Someone who always has a smile for everyone, an encouraging word, a joke to relieve the pressure. A young man with a wife and a baby.

  ‘When you told me the car was here,’ Dominic’s saying now, ‘all I could think was, they’re safe, my kids are safe. And that was all that mattered. And then I realised, of course, you were here too. And I’d have to tell you … everything.’

  Kate nods again.

  ‘I knew it meant I couldn’t hide my past any longer. And you know what? I didn’t care. As long as Maddie and Noah were all right, it didn’t matter. I spent so long worrying about hiding, I lost sight of the most important thing: the four of us.’

  Kate’s face has softened, but she still feels disoriented. ‘It’s so much to take in. Everything I thought I knew – it’s all gone. I need—’

  ‘Time?’ Her husband’s face is sad. ‘I understand that. Whatever it is you need. I can move out for a while if you think that will help …’

  Maddie gasps, and Kate closes her eyes again. This isn’t Maddie’s mess, nor is it Noah’s. They both have enough to cope with, they shouldn’t have to deal with this too.

  She waits for fury to come raging through her. That’s what she wants. Rage that will allow her to explode, throw something at Dominic, her coffee mug, perhaps. Throw it and watch him duck. She draws breath as deep as she can into her aching lungs.

  ‘No,’ she says finally. ‘I don’t want you to move out.’

  Maddie slumps against Dominic, and his arm tightens around her shoulders.

  ‘Thank you,’ he says.

  ‘What I do want,’ Kate says slowly, as if it’s becoming too much effort to form whole sentences, ‘is to talk. Really talk. With someone like Ellen Turner.’

  238.

  16:28

  More talking? More digging into the past? Enough, already.

  Its voice is thin and depleted and Noah feels a flash of sympathy. It must be hard, fuelling all that malice, day after day.

  Keep your sympathy. Who needs a little nobody feeling sorry—

  Fine. Just keep quiet for now.

  Noah has answered again, in his head, without thinking. Without even worrying.

  He’s been listening to his
father intently, taking notes, questions for later.

  1.Joseph (Joe) Felix, criminal records?

  2.Gabriel Felix/Martha Felix/Martha Groom(e).

  3.Newspaper reports. Fire.

  4.Police reports.

  5.Dominic Groom(e).

  Noah closes his notebook. His father will tell him now, everything he wants to know. He’ll get birth dates from him, and the name of the place where Martha was born. She doesn’t have much of a hold on reality, but maybe Noah will get a chance to talk to her about her family, and her husband’s. Already the left-hand branches of his tree are growing stronger, getting ready to carry all the members of his father’s family.

  He turns his notebook over and looks at the back cover.

  Noah Groome

  5 Things About Me

  There are lists and lists about him inside it. Some contain information he’s shared in group. Others are things he’s finally been able to tell Ms Turner. And now there’s more to write down, to talk about, but only when the time is right.

  He has 2 weeks left at Greenhills.

  The Dark hasn’t vanished, but ever since his father started talking, Noah has been in control. That’s definitely something else to tell Ms Turner.

  Mr Bill is hovering. ‘Sorry, but it’s time for Noah to get going,’ he says. His phone beeps and he pulls it from his pocket, types something quickly.

  ‘Thank you.’ Noah’s mom smiles at him and her cheeks are pink. Thank you for everything. I don’t know what I would have done if—’

  ‘No need,’ says Mr Bill. ‘Glad to help. Especially when it’s these two.’ He looks at Juliet beside him, and then at Noah. ‘We’ll talk about all this in the morning.’

  ‘That’ll be fun,’ Juliet says.

  Noah just nods. Yes, he wants to say, but it was worth it. Worth breaking all my rules. Worth it to have an old lady, his grandmother, look at him and say, ‘Is that you my Little Man?’