“I don’t want to love him if that counts for anything.” Truth. In this moment, I would give anything to have my heart belong to anyone but Devin.
“In his own way, he loves you too.”
I wrench my hands from his, massaging my temples. “Stop. I don’t want to hear it. You don’t treat the people you love like that, no matter how messed up you are.”
Ayden sighs. “I will never forgive him for what he did tonight, never, but he doesn’t know how to love, Lina. That’s not what he’s grown up with. Your mom would burn the world down to protect you, and my parents have sacrificed so much for me and my sisters, but Devin has no experience of that.”
“I know that, but he had us. We loved him, but I guess we weren’t enough.”
His tongue darts out, wetting his lips. “I need to know exactly what he did. I heard the tail end of what he said to you tonight, and I’ve had my suspicions about what happened between you two recently, but I’d really rather hear it from you.”
I tell him, holding nothing back, even though I know it might hurt him to hear it, but I refuse to keep secrets from him any longer. I’ve already lost one of my best friends, and I don’t want to risk losing the other by not being completely truthful. He listens without interruption, rubbing soothing circles on the backs of my hands while I talk.
“I’m going to fucking kill him,” he seethes when I finally finish speaking.
“I don’t want you to. I just want to forget. To put it all behind me and move on.”
“I meant what I said earlier. I’m done with him. If he wants to push that self-destruct button, he’s on his own.”
“I don’t want you to pick sides.”
“The lines are already drawn, Lina, and this day has been sneaking up on us for some time. I can’t be around him. I can’t watch while he ruins his fucking life and tries to ruin yours. Enough is enough. We need to cut him loose.”
I know Ayden is right, and after the way he humiliated me tonight, there is no way I can be friends with Devin anymore, but the thought alone almost kills me. Caustic pain is ripping my insides to shreds, and sobs rumble from my chest again. Ayden doesn’t hesitate, pulling me into his warm, strong arms and cradling me to him. I circle my arms around his waist, and snuggle in closer. His scent and his body heat soothes the frayed edges of my broken heart. After a bit, I look up at him. “Thank you for always being there for me. For always being my friend.” I cup his face. “I love you, Ayden.”
“I love you too, Lina.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’ve always loved you, and I’ll continue to love you for as long as you’ll let me.”
Resting my head on his chest, I close my eyes, grateful to not be alone.
A soft thud, followed by less-than-subtle cursing, wakes me a few hours later. A blanket of dread washes over me as my eyes dart to the double doors. Ayden sits bolt upright in the bed, rubbing his eyes. I glance nervously at my bedroom door, terrified Mom is going to come barging in and freak out at the sight of Ayden in my bed and Devin with his drunken face smashed against the glass doors. Ayden snarls the instant the shadowy form on my balcony starts hammering on the glass.
“Quick, make him go away before my mom wakes.”
Ayden flings the covers off and stalks across the floor in his boxers. He yanks the doors open and Devin stumbles, almost falling into the room. I get up, grabbing Ayden’s checkered shirt off the floor and slipping my arms through it. Ayden is holding Devin upright by the shoulders, glaring at him. The smell of whiskey slaps me in the face, and my stomach twists sourly.
“Get out of here,” Ayden whispers. “She doesn’t want to see you.”
Devin looks over Ayden’s shoulder, attempting to eyeball me, but his eyes are rolling in his head. He’s still completely wasted, and I shudder to think how he got home. “Ange, I’m so sorry.” His words are slurred, and it’d be funny if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.
“I don’t want your apologies. I want you to leave.” I fold my arms over my chest, looking off to the side. If I look at him all drunk, vulnerable, and apologetic, I may cave, and I can’t cave.
Not this time.
“I didn’t mean it. I was drunk and high.”
I snort. “You didn’t mean it, so, what, that makes it okay?”
He pushes Ayden’s hands away, staggering a little on his feet. Gripping the side of the door, he leans against it, and it pains me to see him in such a state. “It’s not okay. I know that. But I’ll fix it. I’ll make it up to you.”
“I don’t see how. It’s not like you can un-fuck my enemy.” All the hurt and pain pours out of me. “It would’ve been bad enough seeing you like that with any girl, but Becky Carmichael? Seriously? You expect me to believe you didn’t mean it when you fucked her? Don’t make things worse by lying. This was totally premeditated to inflict the worst pain imaginable.” I push my face in his, anger turning the whites of my eyes red. “Well, mission accomplished, Devin. You have totally shattered my heart. I hope you’re proud.”
“Please, Ange. I didn’t know it was her. I swear.”
“What, your dick just happened to impale Becky by accident? Don’t insult my intelligence.”
He reaches for me, pain etched across his face. “I can’t lose you. Not you, Ange.”
“Too late. You should’ve thought about that before you rejected me and publicly humiliated me with that slut.”
He drops to his knees, clutching my bare legs. “I’ll tell everyone I was drunk and that I didn’t mean it, and I’ll have nothing more to do with Becky. Please, Ange. Please forgive me. I’m begging. I’ll do anything.” He trails his mouth along my legs, causing goose bumps to raise along my flesh.
I can feel my resolve wavering, but I don’t want it too. I’ve always forgiven Devin way too easily, but I can’t do it this time. This time he has gone too far. “Stop, Dev. Just stop. I want you to leave.”
He looks up at me with bloodshot glassy eyes. “Please, Ange. Don’t shut me out. I need you.”
I beseech Ayden with my eyes. I can’t fold, and I’m too afraid that I’m going to. I need his strength to help me do the right thing. “That’s enough,” Ayden says, cutting in. He grabs Devin by the shoulders, yanking him off me. Devin drops to his butt, pulling his knees up to his chest. Ayden wraps his arm around my waist from behind, and the movement pushes the open shirt wider, exposing my undies. I clutch onto his forearms, and the feel of his skin under my fingertips and his body pressed against mine reinforces my determination.
Devin’s eyes narrow and his nostrils flare as his gaze jumps from Ayden to me and back again. He staggers to his feet, sneering as he straightens up. He glares at me, his eyes trailing up and down my body, noticing Ayden’s shirt and our joint state of undress. “You fucked him?”
“What? No! I…”
He stalks toward me, and Ayden pulls me tighter to his body. “You gave him your virginity?”
My cheeks flare up. “Screw you! Whether I did or didn’t is none of your business. I said get the hell out and I meant it.”
“I bet you’re loving this.” Dev glowers at Ayden.
“There isn’t any part of this I’m loving, and I don’t want to beat your ass, but I will if you don’t leave. You’ve done enough damage. Just go.”
Dev throws his leather jacket on the floor, flexing his fists. “Make me.” He moves into a fighting stance.
Ayden steps in front of me, gently nudging me back. “Stay out of this.” He cricks his neck, and his hands ball into fists.
I jump in between them, slamming a hand into each of their chests. “Stop. No fighting.”
“It’s too late for that,” Dev says. “Step aside, Ange. This is between me and Ayd now.”
“The hell I will.” I cross my arms and glare at him. Superfast—especially in his inebriated state—he lifts me up, throwing me over his shoulder and d
umping me on the bed. Then Ayden charges him, and they go down, wrestling on the floor. They throw punches at one another, and I wince as flesh impacts flesh, bone crunches, and blood starts flying. I sit cross-legged on the bed, in a sort of daze. When we were kids, Ayden and Devin were always play fighting, and as I watch them throw savage anger-driven punches at one another, I wonder how the hell we got to this place, hating how far we’ve fallen. Still, I can’t make my body move to put a stop to this, so I sit there, morbidly fascinated as they beat the living crap out of one another.
They roll around the floor, crashing into my bedside table, knocking the contents over. Still, they don’t stop, lashing out with their fists, grunting and groaning as they release months of pent-up frustration.
Ayden is heavier and broader than Devin, but Dev is the one skilled with his fists, and it doesn’t take much for him to gain the upper hand. He sits on top of Ayden, holding him down with his thighs as he rains blows on his face. Ayden’s head flips from side to side with each successive punch, and he raises his arm to try to shove Devin off. Devin presses down on his arm, slamming it to the floor, repeatedly smashing his fist into the bone. Ayden lets out an almighty roar as a ripping, creaking sound reverberates around the room. That breaks me out of my daze, and I jump up at the same time Mom comes running into the room.
“Jesus Christ! Boys! Stop it!” She grabs Devin by the shoulders and hauls him off Ayden.
I race to Ayden as he rolls on his side, clutching his arm and wailing.
“Oh my God, Ayd. Are you okay?”
“Ambulance,” he moans, cradling his arm to his chest. “My arm.”
I kiss his cheek, smoothing hair back off his bloody, bruised face, before I hop up and grab my purse, rummaging for my cell. I punch the buttons with trembling fingers.
Mom holds Devin back, glancing at Ayden with a horror-struck look. “What did you do?” she whispers, shock layering her tone.
Devin shucks out of her embrace, dropping to his knees beside Ayden. I talk to the operator, watching as tears spill down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Ayden. I’m so sorry.”
I end the call and stomp to Devin’s side. “I want you out of my house. Right now. That’s his throwing arm and I think you’ve just broken it.” Mom is crouched by Ayden’s side, gently examining his arm with a worried expression.
The look of remorse on Devin’s face is genuine, but I’m too mad to care. “You ruin everything, Devin, and I can’t do this anymore.” I yank him up by his shirt. “Get out of my house, and get out of my life.”
He opens his mouth to offer more empty apologies and false promises, no doubt, but I shake my head. “There is nothing left to be said. I don’t want to see you anymore. From now on, you are dead to me.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Devin
I’m standing in our decrepit bathroom, under the dim light, naked from the waist up, washing the blood from my skin, and wondering how I’ve sunk so low. That night in Ange’s bedroom replays in my mind, like it has fifty thousand other times since it happened.
I didn’t want it to happen. Didn’t mean for it to happen.
Not like that.
I fucking freaked. Lost my control and gave into my all-consuming need for her, but it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t supposed to make my move until I was worthy of her, until it was safe to declare my feelings, but, damn, the way she looked at me that night—like she wanted to eat me alive—blasted every logical thought straight out of my head.
No one has ever looked at me like that—with a combination of lust, love, and adoration—and it was like being struck by a bolt of lightning, a blast of pure goodness straight through my darkened heart. I’ve always suspected she returned my feelings, but I didn’t know for sure, not until recently, because she’s usually so cagey around me, purposely hiding her true feelings for fear of messing up what the three of us have, I guess. But she lost the battle that night, and the love and longing in her eyes tore down my barricade, and I was helpless to resist.
One taste. One touch. I told myself it was okay to be selfish one time and then I’d try my best to explain it without ruining the promise of forever. Thank God, she mentioned the bruise. It was the reminder I needed. If she hadn’t, I would have taken her, and it would’ve been so much harder to walk away.
I want to tell her how much she means to me—how I love her dangerously, compulsively, addictively, more than it feels normal to love another person. I want to promise her I’ll be hers when the time is right, because she deserves the entire world and I’m not able to give that to her yet.
But I fucked up again. Because I should’ve talked to her the very next day, instead of chickening out of it, going to extremes to avoid her. Fact is, I was shitting myself. Terrified I was too weak to resist and not strong enough to do what needed to be done. I thought there’d be time, but there wasn’t. There isn’t.
I’m all out of time, and I’ve no one to blame but myself.
I destroyed everything tonight, and I’ll be lucky if she ever speaks to me again. Not only that, but I’ve isolated Ayden too. He’ll never forgive me if I’ve ruined his football career, and I won’t be able to live with myself if I’ve taken his future.
I grip the edge of the sink and look away from the mirror, sickened at the sight of myself. A tornado of emotion is choking me from the inside out. I slump to the floor, burying my head in my hands. What the fuck have I done?
I know Ayden won’t ever forgive me for the way I treated Ange. Hell, I’ll never forgive myself.
She wasn’t supposed to be there. She hardly ever goes to parties, and Ayd’s not overly fond of them either. This is totally not their scene. Why the fuck were they there? I lie on my side, dragging my hands through my hair. Shit, shit, shit. What the hell am I going to do?
I shouldn’t have gone partying last night. Not when my emotions were brewing in a whirlwind of my own making. Watching Ayden and Ange whisper sweet nothings to one another across the table, during Thanksgiving dinner, when everyone was watching, broke something inside me. I don’t know if she did it on purpose to hurt me back, or if she genuinely loves him too, or if I simply pushed her into his arms with my rejection, but the futility and helplessness needed an outlet, and I found myself in my truck, driving to Zach’s without making any conscious decision to go there.
I lost all semblance of reality after my tenth beer and my third joint. When Becky approached me, I honestly had no idea who she was. My vision was hazy, my brain whacked, and I could hardly stand up straight. All I knew was I needed to lose myself in a warm body. To fuck the recklessness out of my mind. If I’d known who she was, I never would’ve gone there. Not in a million years. She’s tried to get her claws in me for years, and I’ve grown adept at rejecting her advances. I’ve always known I was a challenge she wanted to conquer purely to mess with Ange’s head.
Tonight, I fucked up spectacularly, and I’m terrified there’s no coming back from it. Although I’ve spent years purposely staying away from Ange, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m tired of fighting my feelings for her, even if I know it has to be like this.
Maybe, in some warped way, what happened tonight was for the best.
Where I fail, I think she’ll succeed. I saw the look on her face when she told me I was dead to her. If I’m not strong enough to stay away, I think she’s strong enough to keep me at arm’s length.
That should make me happy because it’ll ensure she’s safe.
But it feels like I’ve died. Like the only part of myself that was good, the part that existed purely for her, has flittered away like dust in the wind, and now all I’m left with is ugliness and an empty void in the place where my heart should be.
It’s nothing less than I deserve. I hate myself for what I did tonight, and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I find any peace, let alone forgiveness.
; I cringe as I recall the shit that came out of my mouth. And we had an audience. It’s bad enough that Becky heard me spewing all that crap, but half our senior class did too. I dishonored Ange, and I’ll never be able to take that back. All because I was pissed and hurting and drunk and confused. I lashed out at the one person who has always been my savior. My guardian angel. My greatest defender. My staunchest supporter.
The girl I have loved from the time I understood what that word meant.
I have hurt her beyond comprehension, and the devastated look in her eyes will stay with me forever. I might as well have reached inside and torn her heart clear from her chest. A sharp ache slays me on the inside, and I curl into a ball as a tear slips out of my eye.
Why did I do it?
I try to imagine what it’d be like to walk in on some blockhead fucking Ange senseless, and whatever semblance of control I have left explodes as rage and jealousy pummel my insides. I’ve no Goddamned right to feel like this, and if it’s even a glimpse of what she’s feeling right now, then I know there’s no coming back from this.
I’ve ruined us.
I always knew this was coming.
That the time would come when she had to pick one of us, because I know Ayden’s in love with her too. Not that he’s ever admitted it to me, but I know that’s why he’s been so secretive lately.
I’d been a cocky jerk. Believing it would be me. But tonight, I’ve sealed my fate. She’ll run straight into his arms, and I’ll have sent her there.
I’ve lost my two best friends and the love of my life, and I can’t blame anyone but myself.
I deserve the world of pain coming my way. I deserve to rot in a cesspit of unhappiness for the rest of my life for ruining the most perfect girl to ever grace the planet.
I deserve to lose her love and respect. To lose their friendship.
I deserve it all.
Dad is right.
I am a useless piece of shit and I’ll amount to nothing.
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