I worry my lip between my teeth. “I feel so guilty.”
He sighs. “I know, me too. It was a shitty way for him to find out.”
“This is all my fault. I’m the one who lunged at you.”
A familiar cocky grin appears on his face. “If you think I wasn’t primed to pounce, then you’re sorely mistaken. You just beat me to it.” He runs his thumb over the back of my hand. “I want to touch some part of you every second I’m in your presence. The last few weeks have been absolute torture, and I’ve had the worst case of blue balls known to man.”
“We should’ve been stronger.”
The smile slips off his mouth. “Do you regret it?”
I lean across the table and peck his lips. “No. I wish we had gone about this the right way, but how can I regret last night. Last night was …” Heat spreads up my neck and onto my cheeks.
“Incredible. Mind blowing. The abso-fucking-lutely best night of my life, hands down,” Dev says, finishing my sentence.
My cheeks are on fire as I shyly meet his eyes. “You mean that?” I’m a lot less experienced than most of the girls Dev’s been with, and while it was amazing for me, I’m sure he’s had better.
He smiles softly, caressing my face. “You’re too fucking cute when you blush. And, of course, I’m sure. No one has ever made me feel like that, Ange, because I’ve never loved any other girl. Last night was the best experience of my life.”
“I didn’t think it was possible to feel closer to you, but I do,” I quietly admit.
He gets up, moving over to sit beside me. He holds my face in his hands, staring intently into my face. “I’m feeling that too.” He presses a kiss to my forehead. “And I’ve got to warn you, I don’t think I can let you out of my arms.” As if to prove his point, he wraps his arms around me, reeling me into the warmth of his body. “I have an indescribable addiction to you, Ange. I can’t bear to be parted from you. I think you’ll have to switch majors,” he jokes. “Sign up for all the same classes. And move in with me. I’ll even join your ballet class. Anything to not spend a single second apart.”
I look up at him, smiling. In a heartbeat, Devin has elevated my mood and has my soul singing. “I think you’d get sick of me pretty quickly in that scenario.”
“Never.” He kisses me sweetly. “Never in a million years would that happen.”
I place my hands on his chest. “So, we’re doing this?”
His answering smile is bright. “Yes. We’re doing it. There’s no going back now.” He winks, and my heart surges with joy. “And I meant what I said.” He brushes the pad of his thumb across my mouth. “Move in with me, baby. Share my life.”
His phone pings before I can form any coherent response. Wanting me to move in with him shouldn’t surprise me—Devin lives his life in the fast lane, and he’s not one to hold back once he’s decided on something.
“Hold that thought, beautiful,” he says, frowning at his phone as he puts it to his ear. A look of alarm appears on his face as he listens to whomever is on the other end. “Yes, she’s with me.” His eyes dart to mine.
“Who is it?” I mouth, but he shakes his head, tucking me in to his side.
He turns a deathly shade of pale the longer the conversation continues. The arm around my body falls slack as tears spill out of his eyes. The cell clatters to the ground, shattering into pieces. Several heads turn in our direction. Devin is trembling. Like his whole body is convulsing, as if he’s on the verge of a fit.
“Devin, what is it? What’s wrong?” Imaginary sirens are blaring in my ears.
He stands up, bending over at the waist, clutching his stomach, and the most tormented howl rips from his mouth, filtering through the air, capturing the attention of every person in the diner. A solemn hush descends over the room, and his frantic breathing is the only sound in the place. He runs toward the exit, and I scramble out of the booth after him. Stumbling out the door, he almost trips over his feet. My heart is thudding painfully against my ribcage as I follow him. A dreadful sense of foreboding has settled over me, compressing my chest, and constricting the oxygen flowing to my brain.
Whatever it is, it’s bad.
I push through the door, scanning left and right. Devin is slouched against the wall, hugging himself, sobbing uncontrollably. I’m way beyond alarm at this point. I reach for him, but it’s as if I’m invisible. He doesn’t move a muscle as I try to wrap my arms around him. Agony has transformed his features. Tears continue to course down his face. “Baby, please. You’re scaring the shit out of me. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
He opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a raw choked sound. He’s panting, his breathing heavy and quick, and he claws at his chest, as if he’s struggling to breathe.
I don’t know what to do. How to help him.
“Is he okay?” a timid voice asks, and I whip my head around. A blonde-haired girl holds out my purse and our jackets. “You left these inside.” Her worried gaze bounces between us. “If you need any help…”
“Thank you, but we’re okay.” My voice sounds remarkably composed considering I’m so freaking panicked on the inside.
Devin leans into me, dropping his head on my shoulder and clinging to my body like he’ll fall over if unsupported. I almost buckle under his weight. My cell rings in the back pocket of my jeans, and I pull it out, cradling it between my head and my shoulder as I continue to prop him up.
“Ange.” Mom’s voice is wispy soft, barely there, and laced with obvious pain.
Butterflies go crazy in my stomach, soaring to my chest and back down again. Bile travels up my throat. “Mom,” I croak out. “What’s going on? Devin’s falling apart, and I can’t get a word out of him. What’s happened?”
There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as a horrific thought crosses my mind.
Please, God, no!
“Honey, I’m so sorry. There’s no easy way to say this.” She breaks down, crying down the line, and I’m already crying even though she hasn’t spoken the words.
“No, Mom, no. Please, no.” My vision turns blurry with tears.
“Ayden’s gone, baby. He’s passed away. You need to come home.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
“No! No!” I wail. “He can’t be dead!” Sobs burst free of my soul, and an anguished scream rips from my throat. I’m crying hysterically but the tormented cries sound far away, like someone else’s entire world has just been flipped upside down. My nose runs, and my eyes bleed tears. Chills rip up and down my spine, and I’m so cold. I’m shivering all over, and my knees buckle, but Devin holds me to him, keeping me upright. My fingers grip my cell fiercely, and I can vaguely hear Mom calling out to me, but it’s in the distance. Like everything surrounding me. My world’s gone hazy, and this hollowed-out sensation in my chest is my new reality.
The phone is plucked from my hand, and Devin speaks to Mom. I look up at him, seeing him yet not seeing him. His mouth moves, but I can’t hear the words. He straightens up, pulling himself together. He draws me in to his chest, holding me super close, but I barely feel his touch, can scarcely register anything over the silent splintering of my heart. Bit by bit, it rips apart, until that life-sustaining organ in my chest is a bloody, messy pulp barely beating behind my ribcage.
Devin lifts me up, cradling me to his chest, and walks us to his SUV. He places me in the passenger seat, buckling my seat belt. I stare straight ahead, still crying, still trying to make sense of the words replaying in my mind. Devin gets in his side, and I feel his eyes on me. “Ange, look at me.” His voice is shaky, lacking its usual confidence.
I can’t summon the strength to turn my head. Gently, he does it for me, turning my head and tilting my chin up so I’m looking at him. “I need you to hold it together, baby doll. I can’t concentrate on the road if I’m worried about you. Can you do that for me?”
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I gulp, and it’s painful. I clasp Devin’s face, needing his touch to ground me. Tears leak out of his eyes again, and his chest heaves. His pain is a replica of my own. We cling to one another, both crying, and I’m still so cold. I bury my head in his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, needing his closeness, his warmth, his strength. He trails his hands up and down my arms, kissing the top of my head. “I’ve got you.”
“How?” My voice is strangled as the word forces its way up my throat. “How did he die?”
He lifts my head up, keeping his hands on me, and I don’t miss the traumatized, conflicted look on his face. He doesn’t want to tell me this, but he knows he has no choice. He sucks in a deep breath. “He killed himself, Ange. His mom found him hanging in his room.”
My eyes pop wide in horror, and my whole body starts shaking. Immense pain consumes me. The knot in my stomach, the agony in my head, and the ache in my heart all intensify until I can bear it no more. Wrenching myself free of Devin’s arms, I stumble out of the car in the nick of time. Bending over, I empty the contents of my stomach all over the side of the road. Tears slide down my face as I retch until there’s nothing left to expel.
If only I could purge the guilt as easily.
Devin is crouched over me, rubbing my back. Wordlessly, he hands me a tissue, helping me to my feet. He moves to hug me, but I push him away. “Don’t,” I warn. “Don’t offer me sympathy. I did this. This is my fault!”
Ignoring my wishes, he draws me into his arms. “This is not your fault.”
I pummel his chest with my fists. “It is! This is our fault!” I beat on his chest harder. “We destroyed him!”
“You don’t know that, and we need to get home to find out what happened.”
I start crying again, and I collapse against him, all fight leaving me. He hugs me to him, but I’m too numb to even feel his body pressed against mine. Helping me back into the car, he hands me a bottle of water and a blanket. “Drink this, and try to sleep. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”
I don’t sleep. Even the suggestion that I could, at a time like this, is preposterous. I can’t switch my brain off, even though I wish I could because the crap in my head is making it difficult to breathe. Eventually, my tears subside, giving way to a strangely comatose state. I’m here, but not here. Alive, but not alive. Breathing, but only barely.
We don’t talk about it anymore.
We don’t talk at all.
Devin drives, and I stare out the window, inwardly remarking how the silence of my environment mirrors the silence in my heart. As if my soul has died along with Ayden.
Flashing lights greet us as we turn onto our road. Two cop cars, a fire truck, an ambulance, and a van bearing the logo of the medical examiner’s office is parked outside Ayden’s house.
Mom is waiting at the end of our drive when we arrive. Running around to the passenger door, she pulls me out and into her arms. I fall apart again, sobbing and shaking and clinging to her like I did when I was a little kid. She and Devin converse in quiet voices over my head, but I hear none of it.
“I want to see him,” I blurt. Swiping the tears from under my eyes, I straighten up, looking her in the face. I sniffle, placing a hand over the sore spot in my chest. “I want to see Ayden. I need to tell him I’m sorry. Tell him I still love him.” Sobs rip me apart, slaying me on the inside and outside, and I bury my face in Mom’s shoulder as my entire body convulses. Pain wracks me on all sides.
“You don’t have to do this now, Ange,” Devin says in a hushed tone.
I sniffle, looking over my shoulder at him. “I do. I need to see him. I need to touch him. I …” I double over, winded by intense pain the like of which I’ve never felt before. My tears return in earnest.
“Sweetheart. I think you should rest, and when you feel up to it, you can see him,” Mom softly suggests.
I reach out, clutching Devin’s arm, using him to straighten up again. “No. I want to go now.” I cling to Devin’s arm. “Take me to see him? And can you do this with me? I can’t do it alone.”
He hugs me. So tightly, I almost can’t breathe. “I’m not leaving your side,” he confirms.
“The police have cordoned off the house, for the moment, so everyone is inside our place,” she explains. “But you can go straight to your room if you’re not up to company.”
“I want to see Ayden,” I whisper.
“Okay.” She nods, shooting a concerned look at Devin. “Come inside and talk to Nancy and Carl,” she coaxes. “They’ve just finished speaking to the police, and they are wrapping things up in the house. You should be able to see Ayden soon.”
Devin keeps his arm around my shoulders, and Mom takes my hand as we walk slowly to the front door. It’s a wonder I can put one foot in front of the other. Everything is so surreal. Like it’s not happening or happening to someone else. Not to us. Not to our Ayden.
Mr. Carter materializes in the doorway. His face is all splotchy, and his eyes are glassy with tears. I fling myself at him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He hugs me back, stifling his cries, while my tears continue to fall freely. “Lina,” he whispers, kissing the top of my head. “I’m glad you’re here.” In a surprising move, he pulls Devin in for a hug next. They don’t talk, but words are redundant. Although he seems reluctant to let Devin go, he does, clamping a hand down on his shoulder and squeezing. Devin laces his fingers in mine, and we follow Mom and Carl through the kitchen and into the living room.
At least twenty people are crowding the space, talking quietly and drinking coffee. Most are family. Ayden’s aunts and uncles. His sisters and his mom are not here. Mr. and Mrs. Belso, the Carters’ other neighbors, say a quiet hello, smiling sadly in our direction.
“I’ll get you some coffee,” Mr. Carter says, heading back into the kitchen while Mom pats the arm of the couch.
“Sit,” she commands, all but pushing me down. Devin stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest and resting his chin on my head. I cling to his arms, his touch being the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Nancy Carter walks into the room. Mom goes to her. “Are the girls okay?”
She sighs, and the heartbroken look on her face is evident for all to see. “They’re resting now. Thank you for this, Natalie.”
Mom hugs her. Nancy’s eyes lock on mine over Mom’s shoulder. She frowns, raking her gaze over Devin and me. I stand up, moving to go to her, but Devin holds me back, locking his arms around my waist and keeping me in front of him.
Nancy shucks off Mom’s embrace, walking slowly toward me. A multitude of different emotions flicker in her eyes. “What did you do to my son?” Her voice cracks and tears pool in her eyes.
A deathly hush settles over the room as all conversation mutes.
“Please don’t do this,” Devin asks quietly before I’ve had time to speak. “Ange loved Ayden. We both did.”
“I’m not asking you,” she says, keeping her gaze focused on me. “Lina? I need to know what happened. The last time I spoke to my son was when he landed at the airport and he was en route to campus to surprise you. Then I come home and I find him … I find him …” Pain-filled anguished cries rip through the still air as she breaks down, dropping to her knees and sobbing.
I sink to my knees in front of her, crying too. The tension in my chest increases. “I loved Ayden, I really did, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She composes herself a little, sniffling as she gestures at Devin with a sharp flick of her head. “What did you do? I need to know what happened. I need to know why my son did this.” Her damp, red-rimmed eyes plead with me, and she’s searching for answers we may never find.
My heart is rupturing in my chest again. My lower lip wobbles when I open my mouth to admit the truth. “I didn’t mean for him to find out like this,” I sob. “But he knew how much I loved Devin. We were going to
fix this … it was going to be okay …”
A stinging pain zips across my cheekbone where her hand impacts my face. “You dirty little slut! I knew this was your fault! This is both your faults!” she shrieks, glaring at Devin as he lifts me up, moving me away from her.
“I’m not going to let you blame Ange,” Devin protests. “Ayden did this. Not Ange or me.”
Nancy lets out an inhuman roar as she lunges at Devin. Mr. Carter pulls her back before she can reach him. She writhes and wrestles in his arms, thrashing, screaming, and crying, and I shudder against Devin, clinging to him as if my life depends on it. Mom looks torn, her concerned gaze shifting from me to Nancy and back again.
“Let me go, Carl!” Nancy yells. “You know this is their fault. Her fault! You know it.”
Ayden’s three sisters appear in the doorway, sporting red, bloodshot eyes and staring at the scene in front of them. Kayla is in her pajamas, clutching her raggedy teddy bear and leaning in to her older sister, Mia. Mia looks from me to Devin, and her eyes narrow suspiciously.
Mom steps forward, planting herself in front of Ayden’s mom. “I’m dreadfully sorry for your loss, Nancy. More so than I can describe. Ayden was like a son to me, and I’m devastated, so I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are in. But, I cannot allow you to speak to my daughter like that, and you most certainly can’t assault her. I’m very sorry, but I have to ask you to leave.” Mom glances at the Belsos, and they stand up, nodding their heads in a knowing fashion.
“I will never forgive you for this! Never!” Mrs. Carter screams at me before Mr. Carter removes her from the house. Everyone else leaves with them.
I adhere myself to Devin, fisting his shirt, feeling like a shell of a person. I’m trembling all over, and my limbs are quivering and shaking. Mom pulls me down on the empty sofa, circling her arms around me. “Devin, can you make some hot, sweet tea for Ange and bring in a few of those sandwiches. She needs to eat.”
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