Love Sick

by HJ Bellus

  The way Dr. Love rolls off her tongue is sickening. She’s stuck on the Iris thing, and I can’t blame her for it. I don’t know how to get past it.

  “Raylan, I am damn sure I’d beat you in a pissing match. The next time I have my dick out around you, there won’t be any sword fighting or pissing matches.” I glance down, reminding her what she had right in front of her today. “I broke it off tonight with Iris. It's over. It’s done.”

  Raylan takes a step forward, but this time she’s not eying her phone or the door. Those vibrant emerald eyes are zeroed in right on me. I’m not a fool. It could very well be a part of her tactic to make her move, knee me in the junk, grab her phone, and run for it. The passion and anger rolling off her downright scares me. I’ve never seen a woman so lit up and pissed off in my life.

  I can tell from the way she’s carrying herself, speaking, and how clear her eyes are that she is stone cold sober. Not an ounce of liquid courage is fueling her speech.

  “It’s a little late now, Dr. Love, to be standing up and doing the right thing. You had your opportunity, yet you chose to stand by the Cougar Cunt. You even held her hand, fingers laced, and walked away from me. I get it.” She throws her arms up in the air in a gesture she’s over this conversation. Her false bravado is still in place and secure as hell. “We aren’t anything to each other. Shit, we’ve known each other a handful of days. I get it, Memphis. I’m not asking for your undivided love. But it would’ve been nice as a human being if you could’ve stepped in and done the right thing. Shit, you didn’t bother to turn around and give me a smile or a thumbs up or talk to you later. You know the shit friends do. But let me guess before you give me yet another excuse. Your super cock only thinks about vaginas and dentures.”

  Raylan’s rant dies off long enough for her to catch her breath and then she’s at it again. “I feel like I’m talking to a first grader and teaching them how to be nice and play on the playground. The basic shit you learn in motherfucking kindergarten. Nope, I’m here staring at a full-grown adult who believes his cock makes the Earth spin.”

  It’s a damn valiant effort keeping my lips shut. I've lost count how many times I wanted to interrupt Raylan with my lips on hers and then to set her straight. But she needed that, and I’m more than willing to give it to her.

  “I get it, Raylan. I understand where you’re coming from. You have every right to be pissed off and hurt and to hate me for the rest of your life. All I’m asking is for you to hear me out, that’s all I want.” I grip the back of my neck, massaging out the tension lingering there. “I’m not a liar. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything in my life.”

  I take another step, this time with no warning. She takes a step back. It doesn’t stop me from getting this off my chest.

  “So, what happened earlier? When Iris decided to put on her little show, what do you think would’ve happened if I called her out on her bullshit in front of a packed room? How do you think that would’ve gone? You thought she was hard on you before? Let’s say I spoke up like I wanted to.” Jesus, I run my hands through my hair, gripping it tightly. “Jesus, you have no idea how hard it was to keep my mouth shut. But I knew it was my only choice because the second I expressed an ounce of interest in you, or trying to protect you, Iris would’ve gone for the jugular in front of all of those people. And I’ve seen her shred full grown men down in front of a crowd. That’s where she works best. It was my way of protecting you.”

  Raylan drops her head, refusing to make eye contact with me; I take advantage of it, going on and not giving up until she hears everything I have to say. At this point, it doesn’t matter if she agrees or chooses to walk out of this room.

  “As soon as we got back to the table, I was fuming and it took me several minutes to gather my thoughts. It wasn't going to be pretty if I unleashed without trying to calm myself.” A dark chuckle escapes my lips. “In the end, I guess it didn’t work all that well for me. I studied the dance floor to clear my mind and saw Wank Stain all over you. I'm not going to lie here, but it pissed me off to the point of seeing red even though I had no right to be. When I opened my mouth to talk, I told Iris I was done, quit right there, and told her she’d be fully reimbursed for the cruise. It’s over.” Raylan doesn’t flinch or move. I want her to look at me, but I push on.

  “I didn’t do this for you. This gig, the way I make money, has been eating me alive for months now. I cornered myself in a poisonous place until I couldn’t see any way of getting out of it. Money and escaping my hometown has always been my end goal. I want out of there so bad I can hardly stand to live in my skin. And Iris was my ticket out of town. A construction worker by day, stripper at night, and the last three years, a paid whore at night. That's everything. My mom did the same thing minus the stripping and construction work. It’s what I know and chose to do. It doesn't make it right, but it’s who I am.”

  I drop my hands down to my waist relieved, exhausted, and feeling bared to the world after getting everything out. The shit has been chipping away at my soul for months now, and in some way I feel free from the bonds after verbalizing it. It wasn’t until her that I saw another side of life, but I’m about to throw that bone out there. I already feel like she stripped down everything from me. Raylan clears her throat after long beats of silence.

  “Why did you ever lead me on, Memphis? You knew there was no chance of us ever working out on a two-week cruise fling.”

  And there is the million-dollar question. She ripped the Goddamn Band-Aid off without knowing it. I have a choice to make; I can half-ass answer or I can be honest and hope for the best.

  I take in a long inhale of oxygen and go for it. “The same reason you fell into my lap at the restaurant and spilled your drink all over my white shirt. It’s the same reason we also ran into each other on the deck that day by the bar, and every other single time. Raylan, you’re the first person to ever walk into my life and show me that I could be more. I don’t know a single Goddamn thing about you besides you have two annoying friends and when you’re pissed off, you’re hella cute, baby.”

  “Don’t start getting cheesy with me. That Dr. Love shit isn’t going to work on me.”

  “I beg to differ. It worked mighty fine earlier this afternoon when Dr. Love was between your legs.”

  There’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips, but as quick as it appears she wipes it away.

  “Calling you an idiot right now would be an insult to stupid people all over the world, Memphis. This isn’t high school; you’re not gonna wow me with your dick.”

  I can’t help it but the woman has me erupting in laughter. The kind you bend over and laugh until your stomach hurts. I play my cards carefully, not wanting her to grab her phone and dash out the door. I hope like hell that’s off the table since the conversation is happening.

  “So you think I’m dumb and my only form of entertainment is my dick?”

  “Yes, I do. I think you have the looks, a dash of swag, and a glorious dick that you rely on. There’s not much more in between, Memphis.”

  I take another step toward her, and she’s not done with her jokes. This girl has jokes for days as Raylan points her finger at me, jabbing me in the chest. The simple and light touch fires me up beyond belief. It’s worse than a young boy finding his first porno magazine and seeing his first set of tits. My teepee is back in full force with smoke billowing from it.

  “Step back, I’m allergic to nuts.” This time she’s unable to conceal her smile as a full-blown one spreads out across her face. I’m not out of the doghouse yet, but Raylan loosening up around me is a good sign. She wants to banter so I’ll give it back word for word.

  “Allergic to nuts with big cocks?” I reach down between us and grab my dick. I wrap my hand around it and squeeze it through the thin material. I look down between us to see the imprint showing through my shorts. There’s no way to cancel it through the thin material as I work it up-and-down a few times before gla
ncing up to find her watching me. There’s no doubt in my mind right now what she’s thinking and it sure in the fuck is not her allergic reaction to nuts.

  When our gazes meet, Raylan’s eyebrows shoot up into her hairline. It’s a façade she’s putting on, trying to hide her want and need for me. But it’s the blush on her cheeks creeping down toward her cleavage that tells me otherwise.

  “Memphis, you really got your stage name all wrong. There’s no way your Dr. Love fits you. You know nothing about wooing a girl. It’s all about your dick. Sir Has His Dick Out would be a much better fit.”

  I laugh again, keeping my hand around my dick. “Baby, if you really want my dick out all you have to do is ask. There’s no need for a new nickname.”

  I keep using the term of endearment ‘baby’ because I know it pisses her off and I hope to push her over the edge far enough that she’ll open up to me to get the hurt off her chest instead of hiding it behind her jokes.

  “You’re dumber than a box of rocks, Memphis.”

  I shoot her some smolder along with a one-sided grin. “And right now, Raylan, you’re a bitch with a stick up her ass.”

  “It's better than being a pussy pleaser and nothing else. A pussy pleaser with grandmas.”

  There we go. We’ve hit a boiling point that we had to get to. Genuine thoughts and feelings of how she feels about me are laid out on the table for all to see. There’s remorse on her face, but I don’t want it there. One thing my mom taught me was always to respect how others felt even if you didn’t agree. She opens her mouth to speak, and I’m certain of the two words that are coming out, so I stop her.

  “No need to say sorry, Raylan. It’s the truth. It’s what I chose to do with my life, and now I have to live with the consequences. The only thing I’m sorry about was getting you involved in this whole nasty thing before being in a better place. I am man enough and confident enough in myself to own up to the type of person I am. My mom gave me a Goddamn good life but it means that people like you and the majority of society look down on me. I won't apologize for the path I took, but I have and will continue to apologize for dragging you into the mess out of my greed to get to know and have you. But I Goddamn guarantee you I could go to into anybody’s life, open their closet of secrets, and judge them all day long. That’s what people have done to me since the day I was born. I’ll never be like them.”

  Raylan drops her head and begins to speak. “It’s all been a shock to me.”

  I cut her off before she can go any further. My finger raises her chin up, so she’s looking right into my eyes. She’s not used to facing confrontation head on.

  “Look me in the eye when you talk to me, Raylan. I don’t care what it is you have to say. You can stand here and tell me you think I’m a worthless piece of trash and my actions are unforgivable, and I’ll take it. It’s not about hurting my feelings but rather getting out the way you feel. You have the right to tell me how you feel and I want to hear it. Shit, I don’t care if you tell me you’re a man and have a bigger dick than me. I might cry in a bottle of Jack all night though.”

  A grin breaks out on Raylan’s face this time. It's real, genuine, and stays there for a long time.

  “You know, Memphis, you should really stop validating my insults because you are an idiot. One, you were between my legs earlier today, and there was no dick there.” Her tongue darts out, licking her lips before she speaks again. “It was a shock to me. I knew something wasn’t right the second Iris hollered your name by the bar the day we boarded. But there was something tugging at me, pulling me toward you. I knew it was all wrong. I crunch numbers for a living; I’m an analyst. I’m on this cruise because my job was one of very few the company kept on. I live safe, I live in a small perfect box, and everything goes in its place. I’m a rule follower. I don’t live on the edge, and you scare the hell out of me, Memphis.

  “I don’t know that you could ever hurt me again as much as you did tonight by not sticking up for me. That hurt. I’m not going to lie. I get now why you did it, and I understand it. And I’m not quite sure how to process the fact that you’re through with Iris. There’s something about that woman that even if you did tell her what you did tonight, there’s no way she’s going to stay away from you, Memphis. She’s crazy. And my sandals are Sanuks, they’re not from Old Navy or Wal-Mart. They are high roller flip-flops.”

  She takes a breath and asks one more question that I didn’t see coming.

  “Did you have sex with Sophia?”

  “No.” I get the answer out before I can shake my head. “Not on this cruise.”

  “Okay.” She nods.

  It’s an odd question. I want to ask her why she wants to know, but now isn’t a time to ask questions. She needs time to process.

  I drop my forehead to hers; my palms reach up, covering the apples of her cheeks as we both inhale at the same time and close our eyes. Silence once again wraps around us as we fight to ground ourselves in the truth. Anything that’s good in life is always an uphill battle before you reach the top, but Raylan and I have been uphill, downhill, uphill, and downhill on a vicious spin cycle.

  She catches me by surprise by the next thing she blurts out. “I let Roberto kiss me tonight, and I kissed him back.”

  I growl. A full-out growl. Fucking pissed off at myself doesn’t begin to cover it. She was in his arms because of me.

  “This isn’t a show and tell, Memphis. I don’t want to sit here and measure whose dick is longer or hear about your…” Her nose wrinkles up in disgust. “Sex with the Golden Girls.”

  Sixteen

  Raylan

  The silence is killing me. He’s pissed. Livid. Oddly, he gave me the courage to let out the way I feel. In any other situation, I would’ve nodded my head and used the dreaded F word. Fine. Everything is fine. Memphis has a way about him that relaxes me, makes me feel safe, and after his coaxing, I let it out. His brutal honesty is stabbing all over my chest. I’m not sure another man could’ve owned up to what he did tonight.

  But now it’s a face-off, and he’s pissed.

  “Say something,” I whisper.

  He shakes his head from side-to-side.

  “Fine, you big crybaby, I’ll tell you all about it. He kissed me. There was nothing there. You’ve screwed my head up so damn bad that I wanted to see if it was me upset over you or if I could get it on with Roberto.”

  “Raylan,” he warns. “You’re killing me here.”

  “I know. I know. Just hear me out.” I reach up on the tips of my toes, running my nose along his. “I knew you’d be Dr. Loving the hell out of the Golden Girls tonight and it made me crazy as hell. I kissed him back to see if there was any possible way I could get some freak on with him.”

  “Just get on with it, Raylan, before I lose my shit here.”

  “It was like kissing a dead fish,” I rush out. “It was gross and gag-worthy.”

  This gets his attention. That devilish eyebrow of his raises up in curiosity. “Do tell me more.”

  “He kept grabbing my ass and at one point had my back pressed to his chest, going down for my panties.” I cringe at the last part, remembering it all too well. The music tonight had Roberto firing on all cylinders. I felt like a dick for turning him down, explaining to him I was down for dancing.

  Memphis steps back, dropping his hands from my face, and now I’m scared. Maybe brutal honesty isn’t always the best policy. Dammit, I suck at this shit.

  “Memphis,” I whisper his name.

  He continues until the back of his legs hit the bed and he falls on it. His elbows are propped on the top of his thighs, his face is buried in the palms of his hands. I wait for him to say something. Anything. I mean, at this point, he could tell me to leave and I would. Fucking awkward. After everything we’ve been through, you’d think nothing could shock us at this point.

  Shy girl, manwhore, grandma slut, sex toys, impromptu eat out session, busted by grandma slut, but the tipping point, a near finger bang on
the dance floor. I’m certain the universe is trying really hard to teach me a lesson at this point, but I have no clue what in the hell it is. The one possible conclusion is if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.

  “I’ll just go.” I twist my lips to the side and reach for my phone.

  I take two steps to the door and want nothing more to look back. Hell, pounce on him, but I don’t. My wrist jerks back and I spin to him. Memphis is still sitting on the bed, but looking up at me now.

  “It was a shock.” He tugs me closer. “I haven't experienced this shit before. I’ve always been on the other side of it. I needed a moment.”

  He doesn’t stop pulling me down until I’m on his lap straddling his thighs. My ass is dangerously hanging out there. My body relaxes into his. My arms are around his neck, our chests pressed together, and our foreheads once again connected.

  “I’m sorry, Memphis.”

  “Don’t ever say that again. No need.”

  I bring my hands down, grab his face, and force him to look me in the eye. “You deserve so much more than you think and if I want to apologize to you, then I will.”

  He nods then gets a mischievous look on his face. “Can I take this dress off you?”

  I tilt my head in confusion.

  “It’s not what you think. Well, fuck, it may lead to what you think. I can’t stand having this piece of material between us, knowing Wank Stain was all up in it.”

  I throw my head back and laugh. This man has some serious jealousy issues. I've never had a man get like this with me. I’ve always been the boring one who they pass on, so it makes me feel all giddy and dumb in lust.

  “He wasn’t all up in it. I used my dance moves to get away.”

  “How many times did you eat shit?” he asks, reaching forward, grabbing my bottom lip with his teeth, and tugging on it gently.

  Lady boner commences. My instinct to dry hump the shit out of him is overwhelming. The memory is fresh on my lips of the way he can kiss. I want to cry when he lets go and pulls back. The connection is making me lose track of everything that happened tonight. Shit, I don’t remember his last question. With nothing to say, I grab the hem of my dress and pull it over my head. I ignore the sharp inhale from Memphis and toss it to the side.