by Eason, Mary
Fran giggled at her analogy. “Hey, I always say you get a free pass on Christmas. You can eat what you want and not feel guilty. So enjoy.”
“Anyone save room for pumpkin pie?” Stella asked the group as she got to her feet to clear away some of the dishes.
“No!” everyone at the table shouted in unison.
“Stella, leave those dishes. The grown up girls talked about this earlier and agreed, your great-nieces and nephews are going to have the honors.”
The table of teenagers grew quiet when they realized Fran meant them.
“Aunt Fran, how come we don’t have a say in this?” Janelle, the oldest of the girls pretended to come to the other’s defense but she was grinning. Cara could see easily see the love shared between this family. They loved and protected each other the way only a family could.
“Well, now that’s settled, I’ll be borrowing Cara for a bit if you don’t mind, Jase. It’s a gorgeous day out there, and I think you and I should take a walk, don’t you, child?” Stella didn’t really give Jase time to answer. She plucked up Cara by her arm and tugged her from the dining room.
“We’d better grab our coats. It might be beautiful out there, but I’m afraid it’s going to be a tad cold still.”
They went down the steps to the sidewalk. Stella walked silently beside Cara, waiting for her to begin.
“I haven’t had the chance to talk to him yet. I know I need to. I want to. I just can’t seem to get the words out.” Cara glanced sideways at the older woman. Stella smiled at her confession then hugged her close.
“Oh, honey, he loves you. Trust him. Just tell him what’s troubling you. Jase loves you. Let him help ease your burden.”
It wasn’t her fault. If only it were true.
“I know he loves me and deserves to know, but, Aunt Stella, he’s been through so much. He’s doing so much better now. I don’t want to be the one to cause him to be tempted again.”
“He is doing better, and he’s strong. He’ll be okay, honey. Trust your husband. Ask God to help you do this for you. And for Jase.”
Chapter Twenty
Jase glanced over at the woman seated beside him as they drove back to what he hoped he could call their home from now on. “You’re awfully quiet. Everything okay?”
She’d grown quiet after her walk with Stella. Jase understood Cara and Stella shared a special bond. They were always like family. Yet he knew something was bothering her. Had been since long before today. Still at times, he wondered if she’d ever share the truth with him.
She seemed to shake off her pensive mood and reached for his hand. “Just tired I guess. It was a lovely day, wasn’t it? I’m so glad we went.”
He smiled at her, wishing he’d earned her trust. He’d shared all his ugly secrets with her. What could she possibly be keeping that compared to his sins?
“Me, too. It was a nice being included in such a hug family gathering. Aiden’s a lucky man in spite of what he says.”
“Yes.”
The headlights of the truck swept across the front of the house. Jase parked out front. He wasn’t sure where they stood at the moment. Last night proved they still wanted each other, but could they put their old doubts to rest?
He unlocked the front door and flipped on the lights, still with doubts. Did he dare hope they’d share their bed again tonight or was he rushing her? “Can I interest you in some coffee?”
Cara readily accepted his offer. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. “Yes, if you let me make it.”
He leaned over and kissed her lips. “You got it, babe. I’ll turn on the Christmas lights.”
Jase plugged in the tree lights and sat on the sofa, exhausted yet happy.
She came into the room carrying two coffee cups and looking as if the weight of the world rested on her shoulders. It was the expression on her face that told him the moment he’d dreaded was here. Jase hopped to his feet and took both cups from her, placing them on the coffee table. His hands circled her shoulders. “Cara? What is it?”
Her breathing was so unsteady that she appeared close to hyperventilating. Jase eased her down to the sofa.
“It’s okay, Cara,” he assured her. “You can tell me. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Drawing her secrets from her seemed next to impossible. Jase sat quietly next to her waiting.
She drew in a deep breath, and all the sorrow of the past few months came rushing forth. “I had a miscarriage. When I left here, I was pregnant and knew it. That’s the real reason I left you, Jase. It wasn’t because of you buying my aunt’s property, not really. It was because I found out I was pregnant and you were drinking and…”
She stopped for a breath and Jase couldn’t take it in. He felt as if someone had punched him hard in the gut. She had just told him they had lost a child. The pain of losing something he hadn’t realized he’d possessed until this moment threatened to drop him to his knees. He struggled to draw air into his lungs.
“I’m sorry,” she said, choking on the apology. “I know it was wrong, I just didn’t know what else to do. When I got to Paradise, with the move and worrying about finding a job and, and leaving you, well, it was too much. I started hemorrhaging. I collapsed outside my hotel room and someone passing by called an ambulance. I lost the baby, Jase. I lost our child, and it was my fault.”
She was crying so hard he barely caught the last of it, yet it felt as if someone had taken away a piece of his heart. They’d lost their baby.
“Oh, Cara.” He gathered her close. For a second, she froze against him and the she wrapped her arms around his waist and clung to him while she cried.
“Oh, babe, I’m so sorry.” He wasn’t aware of what he was saying. Jase was stunned. The right words seemed to come despite his shock.
A child. They’d almost had a child. She hadn’t trusted him to be part of their child’s beginning or death. That hurt terribly, yet he realized the man he’d been back then wouldn’t have left her with any other choice.
It felt like a lifetime before Cara could speak again. She pulled away a little and looked up at him. She was so devastated that his heart went out to her. Jase brushed his thumbs over her tear-stained cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Jase. I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you before now.”
New tears filled her eyes. “Oh, Jase. I was wrong. I should have told you. You deserved to know. It was your child, too, and I had no right to keep it from you. Please forgive me.”
He realized he was close to tears himself. “I forgive you, but there’s nothing for you to ask my forgiveness for, love. I had to be a terrible husband for you.”
“No. Never. I just didn’t know how to help you.”
He leaned his forehead against hers. “Believe it or not, I think you did the best thing you could have for me. Your leaving brought me to my knees, but it also made me see I didn’t much like the person I’d become. It helped me to change, thank God.”
She smiled at his choice of words. “Yes, but you have no idea how much I wished you were there. It was horrible, Jase. I lost our child and yet there was no place to go to mourn our baby. No headstone to put flowers on to remember her by. She was just there and then, she wasn’t. It was devastating.”
Jase tugged her close once more. He felt numb inside. He couldn’t imagine what she’d gone through alone. “I’m so sorry.”
She leaned against him, trembling and weak. She needed him. He wanted to be strong for Cara.
And he needed a drink.
His old nemesis roared to life like a bad itch that got worse the more he ignored it. He held her tighter and struggled with the demon in silence.
He held her until her breathing steadied and he realized Cara had fallen asleep exhausted from the secret she’d kept for so long. He eased her into his arms and carried her up to their bedroom. Jase laid her down on the bed, slipped off her shoes, and pulled up the covers over her. He brushed her hair from her eyes and kissed her cheek.
“Please help me. I can’t do this alone.”
The bottle taunted him. He slammed the drawer shut, jotted a quick note for Cara in case she woke up before he returned, then left. He needed help to stay strong.
Jase hopped in the truck and dialed Aiden’s number before he left the drive.
“Are you okay?” Aiden didn’t bother with pleasantries. He understood if Jase was calling this late on Christmas, it wasn’t simply to talk about the weather.
“No. I need to talk. Can I come over? I know it’s late.”
Aiden said something Jase didn’t catch. He was talking to Fran. “Come on over. Fran’s going to make us coffee. Have you been drinking?”
It was a relief to answer that question for once. “No, but I want to.”
“Then let us help you.”
Jase didn’t answer. He flipped the phone shut. Tears clouded his vision. He realized as he drove back toward Cartwright and Aiden’s home that God had placed people in his life that he knew he could count on for just about anything. Aiden certainly was a gift from God.
He pulled into Aiden’s drive. The porch light was on. The second the truck lights swept the house, Aiden opened the front door and stepped outside.
Jase killed the engine and went to his friend. “Thanks.” That was all he could manage. The lump in his throat made any more impossible.
Aiden spotted the tears right away and patted his shoulder. “It’s no problem, friend. Come inside. Fran’s finishing up the coffee now.”
Jase followed Aiden into the kitchen where Fran poured them each coffee. She saw the pain on Jase’s face, and she hugged him tight. “I’m praying for you and for Cara. I know you two are going to make it this time.”
She let him go and left them alone. It was then that Jase realized Fran was just as much a part of his healing as Aiden.
“Thanks, Fran,” he called after her.
“You’re welcome.”
With just him and Aiden again, Jase dropped to one of the kitchen chairs and hung his head. How did he begin to tell Aiden his own guilt at not being there for Cara when she needed him the most?
“Just tell me,” Aiden urged. “You know you can tell me anything.”
Jase nodded. He did know. “Cara had a miscarriage in Paradise. She was pregnant when she left here, and she couldn’t tell me because I was a drunk and she couldn’t count on me to be there for her. She left because of that. She told me so. Because she left, she lost the baby. We lost our child because of me.”
He hadn’t shed tears in several months. Men didn’t cry, yet his tears just wouldn’t stop. Now that they’d begun, he couldn’t wipe them away fast enough.
Aiden, in his usual patient manner, waited until Jase finished before getting down to what he did best. “Did she tell you it was your fault?”
Jase all but glared at his friend who’d quietly taken the seat next to his. “No. She’d never say as much.”
“She didn’t say it because it’s not true. Stop taking on more than your share of blame, Jase. Cara lost the baby because there was a problem with the pregnancy. Not because of you. Or her for that matter. Or anything. There was a reason for the miscarriage.”
Maybe that was so, but it didn’t ease the guilt.
Aiden as usual read his thoughts. “It is true. Whether or not you see it, tonight has proven how much you’ve grown since she left. Jase, this had to be horrible to hear. That you’d lost a child you didn’t even know about, but you didn’t drink. You’re getting better. With God’s help, you’ll be okay. You’ll be there for Cara and the family that God will bless you with in the future.”
Jase scrubbed the last of his tears aside and took a much-needed gulp of coffee. “Yes, but I wanted to drink. You have no idea how much I wanted to down that bottle of whiskey.”
Aiden grinned at the foolishness of his words. Of course, Aiden understood. “I think I do. The good news is once you get through something this big without it the bottle loses a lot of its power. It’ll always be a thorn in your side, but with prayer and help, you can keep it under control.”
“Thanks Aiden. I don’t know how I’d gotten through this without you. Tonight, well, I just knew I had to get out of there for a while. I waited until Cara fell asleep then I called you.”
“You did the right thing. You can always call me when you need my help. I think we should pray, and afterward, I think you should go home and be with your wife.”
When he arrived home, Jase unlocked the front door and listened for any noise from within. The house was quiet. Upstairs in their room, Cara slept peacefully in bed. Jase showered and dressed in his pajamas then slipped into bed hoping not to wake her.
She stirred and then turned to him. “Where’d you go?”
Jase drew her into the circle of his arms. “I needed to talk to Aiden.”
She looked into his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. I wanted to drink, but I didn’t. That’s a major milestone for me.”
She nodded then laid her head against his chest. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. You deserved to know about our baby.”
His arms tightened around her. “Shh. This isn’t your fault. You did what you had to do for yourself and our child. You can’t blame yourself, babe. It was because of me you left. It’s not your fault.”
She shook her head against his chest. “No. I just used your drinking as an excuse to leave when I didn’t know how to deal with what was happening. I blamed you, but it was just as much my fault, Jase. I chose to leave because it was easier than staying and trying to work things out. I’m sorry, Jase. I let you down when you needed me, and I’m sorry.”
For the first time, Jase realized they’d both made some difficult mistakes in their marriage. The biggest of all was not asking God for help in trusting each other enough to work whatever was wrong between them out.
Chapter Twenty-One
“I want to show you something.” Jase found her sitting in the kitchen reading the morning paper. Cara couldn’t remember the last time she took the time to read the paper from front to back, but today was her day off and she was enjoying reading all the news around town.
She glanced up when he appeared in the doorway. Even after a week of living under the same roof as husband and wife, the sight of him still took her breath away and felt like a dream. This was her husband, and he loved her. She was so happy.
He doesn’t know the whole truth. If you really trust him, tell him everything.
She couldn’t. Not yet. They were so happy right now. Soon, she promised herself. She’d tell him before the New Year.
Jase was grinning at her waiting for her answer she realized. “What?”
He actually chucked. He’d been doing that a lot lately. He was so happy. She couldn’t spoil that happiness.
“Well, now, that’s going to require you getting your coat and coming with me.”
He held out his hand, and she didn’t hesitate. Cara dropped the paper and went to him. “I’m all yours.”
“That, Mrs. Cartwright, is the best news yet.” Jase held her coat for her while she slipped into it. He’d come from outside, she realized. He’d disappeared early that morning to check on cows, he’d said. She hadn’t quite believed the story.
“Care to take a walk?” he asked when they stepped out on the back deck.
Cara frowned at him. The temperature had to be close to freezing. “You’re kidding, right? It’s cold out today.”
“No, I’m not kidding and, yes, I know it’s cold, but I really want you to see this.”
That’s all the answer she needed. “Okay.”
&
nbsp; Jase tugged her close, and she slipped her arms around his waist. They’d grown so close these last few days that she couldn’t help but want to hold onto the closeness for as long as she could.
At the hope of the hill behind the house, a hundred-year-old Ponderosa pine tree spread its gnarled limbs. She noticed the bench first. Jase had put a white stone bench beneath the tree.
She turned to ask him why when he stopped her. “Wait just a second. I want to explain this just right.”
Cara’s breath lodged in her chest. “Okay.”
“Do you remember when you told me about the baby? You said you didn’t have anywhere to mourn the loss of our child.” His gaze held hers. “I hope you won’t think this is morbid.”
She shook her head. “What do you mean?” Then she glanced past him and saw it. A tiny marble headstone shaped in a heart.
She walked over to it and read the words he’d put there aloud. “Precious Child. Daughter of Our Havenly King. God gave you to us for just a short time, but we know we’ll see you for all eternity someday.”
Cara didn’t want to hold back the tears and found Jase standing behind her. She went into his arms, and they held each other close.
“Oh, Jase, it’s so beautiful. Thank you.”
“I want you—us - to have some place to come and remember our baby. I want this to be a happy place, not a sad one.”
“It is. It’s perfect. It’s so perfect. Thank you.”
Together, they sat on the bench, oblivious to the cold.
Cara was touched by Jase’s thoughtfulness. He’d changed so much. He deserved more than a wife who couldn’t be completely honest with him.
Give me the strength to tell him everything.
He got to his feet and held out his hand for her. “Come on, let’s go inside. It’s getting colder. You’re shivering.”
“Jase…”
“What is it?” She could see the old fears resurface in his eyes, and she couldn’t say the words. Not yet.
“Nothing. Just thank you. Thank you for being so understanding.”
The smile returned to his face. “You’re welcome, babe.” He pulled her close and kissed her. “Don’t you know I’d do anything in the world for you?”