A Heart's Forgiveness

by Joanne Schwehm

  “Whatever, you’ll change your mind.”

  I shook my head and bit my bottom lip to prevent myself from saying anymore. “What day next week are you going to the hospital?”

  “Sunday.”

  I pulled the car over and came to a screeching halt. “As in this Sunday? That’s not next week; that’s in a few days.” Holy shit. I broke out in a sweat.

  “Whatever. The doctor told me I need to be there by seven on Sunday morning.”

  “Fine, I’ll see you there.”

  “You’re not picking me up?” she asked.

  “Are you in pain?”

  “No, but—”

  “Then I’ll meet you there.” I disconnected the call and dialed Aubrey. When I told her what was going on and that I needed her help with everything that a baby needed, she told me she’d send me a list.

  When I got to my apartment, I opened my email and saw how long the list was. I decided to call in reinforcements—my mom.

  By the end of the day, my apartment had been transformed. My office was a nursery decorated in beautiful pictures painted in soft colors. She had a white crib adorned with pink bedding and a pale yellow teddy bear in the corner. There was a rocking recliner next to the crib, a shelf lined with children’s books, a changing table and armoire that matched the crib, and some items I couldn’t define.

  I sat in the recliner and looked around the room—my daughter’s room. It wouldn’t be long until she was there, and my life would be forever changed.

  My cell rang. It was Alex.

  “Hey, man, I’m glad you called.”

  “Aubrey filled me in,” he said. “What can I do?”

  “Can you get the gang together and come over tonight? I know you probably have to go to the club, but it won’t take too long.”

  “We’ll be there.”

  I ordered some pizza and waited for my friends. My buzzer rang, and Alex, Aubrey, Mark, Val, and Julie came in. I called Tyler via FaceTime and explained to all of them what was going on. To say they were stunned was an understatement. Alex, Ty, and I decided to hire a part-time bartender to cover me for a while. The women went to check out the nursery while Alex, Mark, and I had a beer in the living room.

  Aubrey came out of the nursery, walked over to me, and hugged me. “It’s beautiful, Brett. Your daughter will love it.”

  My attention was focused on Julie as she walked toward me. “What do you think, Jules?”

  “It’s fit for a princess. She’s an extremely lucky girl.” Her arms wrapped around my waist.

  I poured every ounce of my love for her into my embrace. I never wanted to let go, but I eventually did.

  Mark strolled up and shook my hand. “You’re a good guy, Brett. I think the way you’re stepping up is great. I’m not sure a lot of guys would do what you’re doing.”

  “Thanks.” I pulled him aside. “I know you’re worried about Julie, and I want you to know I am too. I promise you I’ll never hurt her again.”

  Mark nodded. “I’m glad to hear it. She’s happy again, and I know that’s because of you.”

  I glanced at Julie, who was laughing with the girls. Alex must have said something about his baby because Julie bent toward Aubrey’s baby bump and whispered to it.

  “I plan on making her happy for the rest of our lives.” If she’ll let me.

  Mark smiled, and we joined our friends for a quick dinner. Afterward, they all went home—except for Julie.

  “The room is beautiful.” I made my way to his kitchen with the empty pizza box and set it on the counter. Brett leaned on the counter, and my eyes lingered on his taut waist and broad chest. “You’re going to be a dad. Can you believe it?”

  He shook his head with a pensive look in his eyes. “No, to be honest, it hasn’t sunk in yet. Do you think I can do it?”

  I rested my forearms on his strong shoulders. “Yes, and I think you’re going to be wonderful.”

  His eyes flicked to my lips, and the fire that ignited inside me was fierce. The feelings I’d spent months hiding came to a head. I couldn’t continue fighting them, so I gave into myself and to him.

  My teeth bit my lip, and I felt his hands cup my cheeks. His mouth met mine. Our kiss was soft, slow, and when our tongues pressed against each other’s, all of my pent-up desire poured into him. I drank in the passion of our kiss.

  Brett broke our kiss, and I immediately felt the loss. “I want you, Julie.”

  “I want you too.” My breathing faltered when he swooped in for a searing kiss.

  He lifted me, and I felt his erection when he carried me to his bed. In his arms, I took off my top and bra. My back arched as his tongue swirled around my pebbled nipple. He alternated between the two, not showing any favoritism. Heat pooled in my core as I fisted his hair. A sexy groan escaped him, and he laid me on the bed. I propped my body up on my elbows and watched him slide off his jeans. He unbuttoned my pants and shimmied them down my legs, along with my thong.

  He appraised my curves, and appreciation flashed across his features. “You’re more beautiful than I remember.”

  All I could do was smile as I fixated on his broad chest.

  His erection sprang free when he took off his boxers. My hand felt the firm curve of his ass as he opened the drawer in his nightstand and pulled out a sealed box of condoms. My heart jolted with hope that he hadn’t been with anyone since our breakup, but even I knew that wasn’t the case. He had been with Nikki, which was something I wouldn’t—no, couldn’t—think about.

  He straddled my legs, and his tongue ran up the center of my abs, between my breasts, and up the center of my neck, making me roll my head back. When he reached my chin, his mouth claimed mine with possession as if he were marking his territory. But his mark had never left. I’d always been his.

  “God, Julie, you taste so sweet. I can’t get enough of you.”

  His husky voice made me sigh in ecstasy. “Brett, I want to taste you.” I tried to sit up, but his hands were on my shoulders, pressing me into the mattress.

  “No, tonight is about you. I’ve dreamt of this moment for months.” He peppered me with kisses, moving lower and lower until he reached the top of my thighs. His thumbs traced the insides of my legs until he reached between them. “I’ve missed this.” He kissed my clit, and my hips involuntarily bucked up. I felt his lips curl against my heated flesh. “I think it missed me too.” His tongue stroked and licked my sex.

  I was lost in his agile movement and could barely see as my insides pulsed. “Brett…”

  “Let it go, Jules.”

  His tongue went back to work, and his lips wrapped around me. He suckled and made every ounce of me tense and shudder. When his finger entered me and crooked up, finding my G-spot, I gasped. My legs wrapped around his back as he took in every part of my orgasm. When my legs lowered, he grabbed the condom and put it on. He gazed lovingly at me.

  “I haven’t been with anyone since you,” I said.

  His eyes widened, and he let out a breath. “I haven’t either…” His smile faltered, and he crashed his lips to mine as he slowly slid into me. “I’m so sorry, Jules. If I could take it back…”

  “I know.”

  “All I”—he thrust forward—“ever wanted…” He kissed my neck. “Was you.” He nibbled my earlobe. “Only you… always you.”

  Our eyes met, and his beautiful hazel eyes displayed his love. “I love you, Brett.”

  His lips twisted into a smooth smile. “I know.”

  “Good.”

  We moved in harmony until we reached our pinnacle. His pace picked up, and I grabbed his taut back as we came together. The feel of his weight and the heat radiating off his sweat-slickened skin felt like home. I was in his arms, where I was supposed to be.

  Afterward, he went to clean up, and when he came back, he had a wide smile.

  “What?” I pulled the soft white sheet up over the swell of my breasts.

  “I’m so happy. You’ve made me so happy.” He sli
d under the sheet and lay down next to me. His hand laced with mine. “Say it again.”

  “Say what?”

  “You love me. Let me hear it again.”

  My fingers tightened on his hand. “I love you, Brett Chambers.”

  He blew out a long breath. “Thank God, because part of me died without you.”

  I nodded. “I haven’t been the same either. But it’s going to be complicated.”

  He shook his head. “Only if we let it. We’ll work it out, I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “Jules, thank you for coming back to me. I know it wasn’t an easy decision.”

  “No, it wasn’t. I didn’t have any rights or claim to you when you slept with Nikki. What hurt me the most was that you slept with her bare, a way we’ve never been together. But when you told me you did wear protection, that eased some of the pain.” I shrugged. “I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’ve never given myself to anyone like that, and I knew you hadn’t either. So that cut me deep.”

  “When Nikki told me she was pregnant, not only was I beyond terrified, I was pissed at myself. I had been with her out of spite, I knocked her up, and I was reckless, but I’d never wanted to hear ‘I’m pregnant’—not from anyone. I hope you can forgive me for everything, but I’ll understand if you don’t because Lord knows I don’t forgive myself for letting you go. It’s funny—I was scared of commitment after my failed marriage, but that was nothing compared to my fear of not being with you.”

  I felt my eyes well up with tears. “I forgave you a long time ago. But we need to move on and get ready for your true committed relationship: yours and your daughter’s.”

  “My daughter.”

  My lips met his. “Everything will be fine. Let’s get some sleep. We have a busy couple of days ahead of us.”

  The following day, Brett went to talk to his attorney, and I went shopping after work. I bought just about every girl-colored newborn outfit I could find. She had everything from onesies to frilly dresses—with matching shoes of course. When I got back to Brett’s place, he was finishing up filing all the necessary paperwork to establish shared custody.

  “Are you all set?” I asked.

  “I hope so. I called a nanny service, and I’m going to start interviewing women next week. I thought it would be better for them to meet the baby. If she doesn’t like these women, then they aren’t getting the job.” He sounded stern and determined.

  “That’s a good idea.”

  He glanced at my hands. “Did you buy out the store?”

  I laughed. “Yes, do you have a problem with that?”

  He sauntered over to me and hugged me. “No, not at all. What did you get?”

  I clapped and bounced. When I was done, I showed him everything, including the tiny padded hangers for her dresses.

  “Oh, and I got this for you.” I pulled out a navy T-shirt.

  He chuckled when he read the front, “World’s Greatest Dad.” He kissed my cheek. “I love it.”

  “We need to pack a bag for you.”

  “A bag?”

  “Yes, for when you stay at the hospital. I assumed you wouldn’t want to leave.”

  “No, I don’t.” Fear flashed in his eyes. “I keep having nightmares that Nikki takes the baby and leaves.”

  “That’s twisted!”

  “Yeah, well, she’s twisted.”

  I had no argument, so I kept my mouth shut.

  “Can you stay tonight?”

  “I suppose I could be persuaded.” I giggled and headed to the kitchen.

  His phone rang, and he let out a huff when he looked at the screen. “What do you need, Nikki?” His eyes went wide, and he started scurrying around the apartment. “Okay, I’ll be right there.”

  My heart dropped. “What happened? Is she okay?”

  “Her doctor sent her to the hospital because she was having contractions.”

  “What can I do?” My mouth was completely dry, and my head was spinning.

  “Grab your purse and come with me.”

  I frantically shook my head. “No, that’s not a good idea. Nikki will freak out.”

  “Julie, please, you can stay in the lobby if that makes you feel better, but I need to know you’re there.” His eyes implored me to comply.

  “Okay, let’s go.”

  Brett weaved in and out of traffic while I called Aubrey and asked her to call everyone, including his parents. We made it to the hospital in record time. Brett nearly pulled my arm out of the socket as we rushed through the closest door. We went to the information desk, and his entire body trembled. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He looked over and gave me a grin.

  “May I help you?” the man at the desk asked.

  “Can you tell me where Nikki Webster is?”

  He punched the keys on the computer. “Fifth floor.” He handed us two visitor passes. “Follow the red line to the elevator, and take that to five. There will be a nurse there to assist you further.”

  Brett was already jogging away.

  I looked back at the man and yelled, “Thank you!”

  It felt as though the elevator stopped at every floor. Brett never took his eyes off the red numbers as we slowly climbed. When the doors slid open on the fifth floor, we rushed to the nurse’s station and after Brett identified himself, we were given her room number.

  Outside her door, I released his hand and stopped. “Go ahead, Brett.”

  He swallowed hard and kissed me. Once the door closed behind him, my adrenaline dropped, and I started trembling.

  “Miss, would you like a chair? You look pale.” A nurse was standing next to me, but I hardly noticed her.

  “No, thank you. Can you tell me where the waiting room is?”

  “Right around the corner to the left.”

  “Thank you.”

  When I got to the waiting area, Leah was there. Great.

  Her nose crinkled. “Eww, what the hell are you doing here?”

  I wasn’t in the mood to get into it with her. “How’s Nikki?”

  “Like you care.” She went back to reading her magazine.

  An older couple sat in the far corner of the room, and heat crawled up my neck. Did Nikki have parents?

  “Leah?”

  She flipped the page and never looked at me.

  “Leah!”

  “What? God, I’m reading Cosmo.”

  “Where are Nikki’s parents?” I asked.

  “Why do you care?”

  “Because they should be here.” I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing or if Brett would appreciate me asking, but I felt it necessary.

  “Her father died. She hasn’t talked to her mother in years, so I have no idea.” She buried her head back in her magazine.

  I sent a text to Alex telling him Leah was there and, given their history, it may be best if Aubrey didn’t come. He thanked me and told me he’d get to the hospital as soon as he could.

  I felt as if hours passed, but it was probably only one before Brett’s parents and Alex walked in. I stood and hugged them.

  His mom held on to my hands. “How is she?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t seen Brett since we got here.”

  She nodded and walked away after introducing me to her husband.

  Alex hugged me. When we broke apart, he bent down and looked at me. “It’ll be okay. He’ll figure it out.”

  I nodded.

  “You think you have everything figured out, don’t you?” Leah’s voice was like nails on a chalkboard.

  “It doesn’t concern you, Leah.” Alex’s voice sounded scolding.

  “No, it doesn’t. I told her to abort the baby. She could be modeling and making money, but now she’s heavier and saddled with a kid.”

  I gasped, and Alex shook his head. We went to the other side of the room and sat down.

  “Nikki, you’re almost there. One more push.” The doctor’s calm voice did nothing for Nikki.

  She screamed as she sq
ueezed my hand so tightly I thought every single bone would break.

  “The head’s out. You can do it—one more push.”

  A nurse wiped Nikki’s forehead with a damp cloth and helped her sit up. Another nurse was standing next to the doctor and holding a blanket while staring at Nikki’s vagina, which I wanted no part of. All of a sudden, I heard a baby’s cry. Nikki flopped back on the bed.

  The doctor held up my daughter, and my heart swelled. “Congratulations, it’s a girl.”

  My jaw dropped open at the tiny human he was holding. He placed the baby on Nikki’s chest, and I was instantly filled with jealousy.

  She crooked her neck to look at our daughter, and then she looked at me. “We’re a family.”

  I leaned down and kissed my daughter. She was so tiny and perfect.

  “Dad, would you like to cut the cord?” The nurse offered me the weirdest pair of scissors I’d ever seen.

  I looked at Nikki, and she looked exhausted. I took the scissors and cut the umbilical cord. I couldn’t contain my joy. “When can I hold her?”

  The nurse asked Nikki, “Will you be breastfeeding?”

  “No.”

  A gush of relief rushed over me. That was one thing I knew for certain I couldn’t do, and who knew if Nikki would adhere to special diets.

  “I’m going to take the baby and clean her up. I’ll be right over here,” the nurse said.

  My daughter was placed in what looked like a plastic bed with a heat lamp. The way the nurses tugged on her arms freaked me out, even though they didn’t seem to be hurting her. Then they stuck something that looked like a tiny turkey baster in her mouth and sucked something out of her. Finally, the nurse listened to my daughter’s heart before she placed the baby on the scale then measured her length. She jotted things down.

  “What are you writing? How much does she weigh? How long is she? Is she okay? What are you doing now?” I heard the questions coming out of me, but she didn’t answer as she scribbled on the piece of paper.

  The nurse looked at me and smiled. “I love new daddies. She’s two point thirty-three kilograms, 49.53 centimeters, and her Apgar is great.”