“Because what we did was none of their business.”
“But do you see how that made me feel, Benny? You shoved me right back into the closet. For two years, I kept telling myself that I was fooling around with Paige and Barb because of our blood bond with Camila. But I fell in love with you. I knew for sure I was gay and then you made me hide.”
I shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat and walked closer to the car. Cleo was getting louder and louder, and I knew her cloak had dropped. The last thing we needed to do was alert whoever was left in the church to our presence.
“Dammit, Benny,” Cleo growled as she trailed behind me. “Why don’t you get it? Joining ABO, that sorority, that was the first time in my life I ever felt like myself. I wasn’t hiding. I wasn’t pretending. And then I met you and—”
I turned and gave her a dramatic shrug. “And I ruined everything. I ruined your life. I killed you.” I was sick of her blaming me.
“No, Benny. Lord Jesus, will you just listen to me? When you told me you wanted to be my girlfriend, you have no idea how that felt. You were nothing like Paige or Barb or Danni. I wanted to tell everyone.”
“And did you ever think of what they would have said about us?” Cleo looked at me, confused. “You could have had any girl in that house, except Ginger, but you picked me. And it would have taken Samantha five seconds before she started telling people that Daddy had Camila force you, or pay you, to be my girlfriend. I know what I looked like, what we looked like together. You were with the fat girl, and no one would have taken that seriously.”
“You think I saw you as the fat girl, not the most beautiful girl I ever laid my eyes on? Not someone whose intelligence and independence blew me away?”
“I know what people say.”
“Who gives a fuck what people say! It’s just gossip.”
“Gossip’s screwed up my life before, and I wasn’t going to let it happen again. I keep what I love closest to my heart. I didn’t want you to meet my mama because you matter to me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of you judging her. I told you. I told you I was sick of being judged and I didn’t want to even think of all the bullshit that would be whispered about us. I’m not a fan of speculation. I don’t handle it well, but you seem to love it. Everything has to be high drama with you.”
Cleo’s face suddenly scrunched up. She was going to cry. “Do you know what happened to me that day?”
I swallowed the pain in my throat. “I don’t—”
“My body caught on fire, Benny. I was crushed between a car and truck and I was on fire. I was in pieces for hours before Camila got to me. You have no idea—” Cleo covered her mouth and she tried to pull it together. “I was driving back to you. And I died, Benny. I wasn’t knocked out. I died. And to be given a second chance like this…I knew I would get to see you. I knew you would be happy that I was a demon. I didn’t forget what you wanted, but you didn’t even give me five minutes. You didn’t ask me if I was okay. You knew I was changed and you didn’t call right away to ask Camila how I was. All you wanted to do was feed me. All you cared about was yourself.”
“That’s not true,” I muttered.
“How was it, then, Benny? My memory is crystal clear. You tell me what details I’m getting wrong.”
“I did care about you, but I couldn’t fix things. I couldn’t turn back the clock and stop that wreck from happening. So I moved on and I offered you my blood like a feeder should.”
There was no sobbing or heavy breathing, but tears were running down her face at this point. She wiped them away, but that didn’t really help. I couldn’t handle it. I just—Cleo had pain that wasn’t mine to heal. She’d suffered, I wouldn’t pretend she hadn’t, but I also couldn’t pretend that she couldn’t get over it either. She was capable of anything, but she wanted to hold on to this hurt. That’s why she stalked her parents. That’s why she tortured me day after day. She didn’t want to let go of the pain. I didn’t want to be a part of it. She was on her own.
“Why do you expect me to be someone else?” I asked her. “When we got together, I told you exactly what I wanted, and as time went on and things got deeper, did I change? Did I?”
“No,” Cleo replied. She took another deep breath and the tears seemed to stop.
“No. I kept right on telling you exactly what I wanted, and for some reason, you are still shocked that I stuck to my convictions. This is what I mean, Cleo. Before me, your whole life was a lie. You lied to your family. You lied to your friends. To your church. And then you meet someone who tells you the truth about who they are and what they want and how they want you to be a part of their life, and you’re surprised when it was you that was expecting something else. You were expecting me to change. You wanted me to be someone else. Just like your mother.”
“I was going to tell her.” The pathetic volume of her claim barely reached me through the snow.
“And then what? You remember what you told me?”
Cleo remained silent.
“Now your memory is faulty. We were in your room studying and you were telling me about your mother and her relationship with white people. Remember what you said?”
Her anger spiked again. “I wasn’t proud of it, and it’s not like I agreed with her.”
“But you remember what you said. You said, ‘Mama would never approve of us. It’s sick. She’d shit a chicken if I brought home a white boy in high school. Forget bringing home a white girl.’ And then I told you a little about my real daddy.” I could see it plain as day on her face. She did remember. “We didn’t stand a chance with your family, Cleo. Not one chance. I’m a lesbian. I’m not black, and your mother would have politely kicked us both out on our asses, and for some reason, you want me to be upset that this woman, who made you hate yourself for who you are, you want me to feel bad because she’s not in our life anymore.”
“Jesus, Benny. She’s my mom. I know what would have happened, but can’t you see that I would still miss her?”
“No. I can’t.” That was the truth. “I don’t miss my daddy at all. He treated me the same way your mama treated you and—”
“Wait, back it up. He tortured you over your weight and you’re comparing that—”
“To your mother being a homophobic bigot who made you feel worthless? Yes, I’m comparing those things.” It seemed Cleo had forgotten some of the other details she’d shared with me.
“I wanted to feed you. I won’t lie about that. But I knew what would happen with your mother if you stayed human, and I figured if you became a demon, then you wouldn’t have to say good-bye. She would have those happy memories of you and you would have those happy memories of her. If you really found the courage to do it, you’d never have to disappoint her by coming out to her with your white, very gay girlfriend. I thought you’d be happy.”
“Well, I’m not happy. At all,” Cleo said. “I just want—I wanted a chance. Even if she kicked me out of the family, I wanted to start my own family so I could come back and say ‘See, Mama? I can do this.’”
“Why are you living for that woman, Cleo?” I yelled. I’d fucking had it with her delusional view of Cynthia Jones. “She wasn’t living for you.”
“I wanted to come back and show her my family, perfect just the way I wanted it. I wanted to marry you. I wanted us to have a baby, but what the fuck kind of parent can I be like this? I can’t take my child to school. I can’t take them to the park during the day. I still want those things—”
“We still can have them! Mama and Dalhem raised me for two-thirds of my life and I’m fine.”
“This is fine? Being cold and closed off is fine?”
“If that’s how you feel about me, then why don’t you just leave me alone? Why, every time I see you, are you snarling at me? The constant comments, the constant digs. Why are you messing with people like De’Treshawn? Cold and closed off sounds a lot better than being a hyperaggressive, hypocritical bitch who welcomes leeches like Tokyo. You may hate m
e, Cleo, but at least I’m not cruel. At least I’m honest.
“Speaking of honesty,” I went on, “how long did you wait for me to call before you started fucking Andrew? Were you still so in love with me then?”
“Fuck you, Benny. You know I had to feed. He cares about me. He’s been there for me this whole time.”
“Because you dumped me. So tell me again. What are we doing here?”
“Absolutely nothing,” she said with a sudden calm that did scare me. And like that, Cleo vanished. The force of her emotions lingered, though. They surrounded me in the darkness as I made my way back to the car. I was shaking by the time I got inside, but it wasn’t from the cold.
I turned on my car and pumped up the heat before I texted Faeth. She called me back.
“Hey. Ready to go?”
“You can send someone else if you don’t want to drive, but I don’t think Camila wants me to come back alone.”
“Don’t worry. I got you.”
Faeth appeared in the driver’s seat. “See.”
“Hey.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. Like always, I was fine.
Chapter Seven
Cleo
I hid in the trees and waited for Faeth to get Benny back on the road. One day I would learn. One day I would figure out that you can’t change people, but not tonight.
I couldn’t breathe.
Violently, I tore through my clothes. My arms became wings and my feet became claws. I took flight, higher, through trees and over their tops, through gusts of wind that pounded bits of snow against my face. We always felt the sun at our back, day or dead of night, so I flew west, out of the snow, away from the impending sunrise, as fast and as far as I could until I knew I had to stop.
I became human again in the rotted-out base of a massive, fallen tree. When my sister-queens found me, a whole minute later thanks to our queen bond, I was a shaking, sobbing, naked mess. The wood scratched at my legs, but all I could think of were the shitty things Benny had said. I repeated them to myself as if I needed to remember every single word. I needed my heart to finally catch up with my brain.
“Cleo,” Camila said cautiously as she began to climb up the roots, but I shook her off. Whenever I was hurting, she turned into the disciplinarian. I didn’t want to hear how it was all my fault for even trying to talk to Benny. Camila would probably throw in some bit about how upset Benny was now and how I’d have some explaining to do when Dalhem came around to put his foot in my ass. I didn’t need a lecture. I needed to get drunk and pass out in my own puddle of suffering. But alcohol did nothing for vampires besides burn like hell going in and coming out. I’d settle for crying naked in the forest before I got another fucking lecture.
“Will all of you please—” I coughed and tried to dry my face with my hands. “Just leave me alone.”
“Guys,” I heard Ginger say. One by one, they vanished. First Natasha and Kina, then Tokyo, even though she didn’t want to. She was in my head, trying so hard to tell me she loved me, but I didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t love me any more than Benny did.
I know Camila hesitated, but soon Omi and I were alone. I knew from her scent. She came closer, and all I could smell was sunshine and salt and the sand. She climbed into the tree beside me and pulled me into her arms.
Omi and I had never been close. Tokyo, Faeth, and I, and even Kina sometimes, we still lived like we were in college, but Omi seemed like she had this whole adult life outside of the house. A wife, another home. She was cool, but we just didn’t kick it like that. Now, though, I let her hold me. I sobbed and sobbed with my head against her chest.
“Tell me what happened, my dear.”
I told her what I could. It’s hard to talk with your whole face leaking, but I think I got the gist across.
“Cleo, Cleo. She won’t change because you push her. That’s not how humans work. That’s not how we work. I’ve known Benita since she was a small girl. This is her. This is her way.” I hadn’t expected to hear that from her, but she was right. Benny was exactly who she’d been when we met, only this time our relationship was different. “You have to let her go. She may come back. She may not, but you have to let her be. Are you hearing me?”
“Yeah.”
“You have to let it out too, though. Grieve if parts are worth grieving for. You can grieve for your family too, Cleo. I don’t believe you’ve done that.” Omi was right. They were still alive and I was clinging to the idea that I would talk to Mama again. That Daddy would hold me again the way Omi was holding me, but I wouldn’t be crying. I’d be smiling and Daddy would be laughing and teasing Maxwell for something silly like the low tread on his wife’s tires. None of that would happen, and Benny knew it. I watched my family nearly every night because part of me believed I would come to life somehow. I’d never let my family go, because they weren’t dead. I never considered grieving for them. But the truth was I had to mourn myself.
I don’t know why I thought Benny would listen to me. She and her mama were close. I thought maybe if she could see just how much I missed my mama, Benny could see how much I needed her to apologize. And that’s when I saw exactly where I’d gone wrong. I’d been so angry with Benny for all this time, and rightfully so. She was glad I was dead. Who the fuck is glad for that kind of shit? I spent days analyzing how cold she was; still, I failed to see that I was looking past a major flaw in myself. I wanted Benny even though she didn’t give a shit about me. I wanted her to help me in getting on with my healing.
I needed her in my life because at one point she had been the one thing that made my life bright. She had been it for me. That future we talked about, fought over, that dream was something I still wanted so badly it hurt. Standing there in the snow, I finally saw the truth. Benny was not interested in me. She was interested in the demon, and when she couldn’t have it, she’d shut down. She would never see that my human still mattered to me. I was dead, but every part of my heart was still beating and it beat for her.
“Why doesn’t she care?” I sobbed.
“I don’t know, dear. I don’t know. But you’ll be okay. I swear it to you. You’ll be okay.”
Omi held me for a long time, sometimes rocking me and singing quiet songs I’d never heard before. When she wasn’t singing, we were both quiet, listening to the sounds of the woods. Eventually, I felt the tingle of the sun.
“I don’t want to go back,” I told Omi.
“We don’t have to.” She pulled me closer and willed me to shift with her. As large coyotes, we crawled deeper into the tree base. I came to, still covered in fur, and saw the rays of the sunset breaking through the trees, Omi’s equally hairy body wrapped tight next to mine. She raised her head, letting out a small whine.
I’m not ready yet, I thought. She made another small noise of agreement and went back to sleep. Around midnight, we shifted again and stretched. I sat back in the tree while Omi walked a bit. Kina came with a blanket for me. They’d found my shredded clothes and my cell phone. She didn’t ask any questions, though. When she left, I slept some more.
For two nights, we sat in the tree. I thought of a lot of things. Mama and Daddy. My brothers. Benny. And stupid things like an episode of Sex and the City I’d made Nat watch with me. Charlotte was talking about how long it takes to get over a breakup. I wondered how you would multiply it in demon years. I thought about my old friends who were still human. Danni and Barb and Paige. Did they have this sort of drama with their demons? Probably not. This drama was something special. Even Kina with her steady stream of monogamous relationships with humans, which always ended badly, didn’t bring this level of over-the-top to her breakups.
I went from overwhelmingly distraught to numb, gradually. Soon, though, I couldn’t ignore my body’s needs. Just as the sun set on the third day, I crawled out from under Omi’s furry frame and shifted back. Omi stretched and yawned, then did the same. I stood and wrapped myself in the blanket as she put back on her dress.
The whole front was stained light blue from my tears. I’d buy her a new one.
“I’m hungry,” I told her. My voice sounded terrible.
“Can you vanish?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Just in case I wasn’t telling the whole truth, she pulled me back into her arms and carried us through the air, back to the house.
*
Andrew found me in Omi’s shower. I’m sure Ginger let him know I was okay. He’d know if I were dead. He’d feel that. But still, he hadn’t heard from me in three days. He appeared calm, but I could tell I had really freaked him out. We’d never gone more than a few hours without talking or texting. He stripped out of his clothes and got in the hot shower with me.
“Hey, honey.” It felt good to have him close to me again, to smell him.
“Hey. Are you all right?”
I ran my hands over his chest and watched the water run down his stomach. “I am. I’m sorry I didn’t call.”
“It’s okay.” It wasn’t.
Sliding my fingers around the back of his head, I pulled him down to me. I kissed the corner of his mouth, then his cheeks and his lips. My hunger got the best of me. “I’m sorry,” I nearly growled. Watching his vein was too much. I couldn’t be tender for much longer.
“It’s fine. Feed.”
I backed him into the wall and sank my fangs into his skin.
*
After we dried off and dressed, Omi told us to hang out in her living room for a while. It was a welcome change from the woods. We stretched out on her white couch and Andrew gave me the rundown of the rest of his weekend. I knew he’d probably run into Benny at some point, but he didn’t mention her. Listening to him reminded me of what I still had, even without her. I had amazing feeders, this one in particular, who truly cared for me, and at least one sister-queen who was willing to literally weather the elements until I reclaimed some semblance of my sanity.
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