by Mays, Nikki
Walking up to JJ I see him shaking his head while trying not to smile. "What's going on?" I ask our team leader.
"Oh, nothing besides a woman trying to drown her husband." He states with a completely straight face. His eyes, however, are twinkling like a five-year-old on Christmas morning.
The whole team is gathered around the makeshift command center watching this woman continuously dunk this poor sap. She's doing this while holding a damn gun to his head. From where I’m standing it looks like a Colt Mustang, which makes sense since those are compact and lightweight. It'll still do some damage, especially since it's pressed to his head.
Dec, Marc, and Rocco sidle up next to us and look at the scene before them with tilted heads. And I bet we are all thinking the same, this is definitely one for the record books.
"Is she trying to drown him or shoot him?" Rocco asks looking perplexed.
"Neither." Answers Morris. "Apparently she's trying to teach him a lesson about cheating on your wife. I don't think that she wants to harm him as much as she wants to embarrass his dumbass."
"Is it bad that I'm kinda rooting for her?" Asks Dec as he folds his arms across his chest.
"Nah, this is funny as hell. Too bad it would make the department look bad if we videotaped it. It would be nice to have on sad days." Marc replies wearing a grin. He's right, the video would be great for bad days.
"Don't worry with the number of people that have come to watch the show, I'm sure it will be on YouTube later today. But we need to get our shit together and go out and apprehend her. Regardless of whether we think she might deserve to get a little payback." JJ states to all of us while making sure that all of his gear is ready. Do I think that she'll become violent towards us? Probably not, but it's always better to be safe than sorry.
An hour later Marc and I are driving the jilted wife to get booked. Just like I thought, the woman, who we now know as Kayla F. Ross, a 32-year-old mother of 4, came with us without any fight. Honestly, it took everything I had not to bust out laughing when I had to tell her to stop dunking her husband in the water and to let him go. She did, but she sure as hell made sure to dunk his ass as far under as humanly possible.
"So, what made you decide to dunk him in water?" Marc asks while looking in the backseat through the rearview mirror. I listen for her answer just as curious as he.
"I once read somewhere that water cures all of your problems. I figured that I'd give it a shot to see if it works." Kayla replies calmly.
"How does water cure all of your problems?" I ask genuinely interested. Maybe she's one of those new age hippies.
"Want to lose weight? Drink water. Want a clear face? Drink water. Tired of your man? Drown him. It seemed legit." She casually shrugs her shoulders. Marc and I just look at each other in stunned silence.
"Okkkaaay. Why not just shoot him with your Colt? The Colt Mustang Pocket Lite is registered to you. Why a Colt anyway?" Marc asks.
"Well, I prefer American made, hence the Colt. I was happy when they reintroduced the Mustangs back in 2011. I don't need anything too big or bulky. I also don't want the jackass dead. I just want him to be as embarrassed as I am. Plus, I was afraid that they would take away my NRA membership if I shot him. He's not worth losing that over."
"Right, I see your point. Memberships can be tricky." Marc replies that this makes complete sense to him. "But how exactly are you embarrassed?"
"Do you have any idea how freaking humiliating it is to find out that your husband of 9 years is cheating on you? Add in the fact that I just gave birth to our fourth child five months ago. Trust me, with four kids we obviously have sex as often as possible. He's not deprived by any means." She's in a full rant now.
"Then to top off my embarrassment, I find out that he's been cheating on me with a 23-year-old fucking stripper! He's not even that good looking and he sure as shit isn't rich. So, I have no idea what lies he's been telling the little skank to get her to sleep with him. And it's not even like I've gained a huge amount of weight because of pregnancy! I have fucking hyperthyroidism! I just don't understand. All those years wasted." She says that last sentence in a small voice.
"And now our kids are going to have to deal with the divorce because obviously, I'd rather drown him than take him back."
I could hear the hurt in her voice as she ended. I look in the rearview mirror and see tears in her eyes. I've never been able to understand men like him. If you make vows stick to them. If you don't want to, at least end the marriage before doing something stupid. He's caused so much hurt and embarrassment when it was completely avoidable. I'm beginning to wish that we had let her hold him under the water a bit longer in retribution.
"Well, at least now you can start over and hopefully find someone who's not a complete shithead." Marc states.
"Absofuckinlutely not! I am going to remain single for the rest of eternity! Plus, what man in his right mind is going to want a woman with four kids? Nope, BOB and I are going to become best friends. Battery operated is the only thing that I need in my life thank you very much."
"Well, either way, we wish you luck," Marc says for the both of us. But it's true, I do wish her luck. She isn't a bad person. She's just reacting to what the moron she's married to did. Hell, she's probably on the PTA and shit.
"How much trouble do you think that I'm going to be in?" She asks with a nervous tinge in her voice.
"Well, I'm sure the judge will take a few things into account," I reply as I park outside of our precinct.
"Yeah? Like what?" She asks in a hopeful voice. Can't blame her. She's coming down from her anger-driven craziness and is realizing that she's in some shit.
"The gun wasn't loaded. That's going to be looked upon favorably. This is also your first offense. I'm sure when you explain to the judge your extenuating circumstances, he or she might be able to realize that this wasn't done with malicious intent. The drowning thing looks a little bad. Also, I wouldn't explain the water thing the way you did to us...just saying." I inform her.
Once we get her booked and back out to our car Marc looks over at me.
"So, how's everything going?" He asks innocently but I'm sure a shit not fooled. I know damn well there's a reason for this question.
"Good," I replied briskly. Don't need him getting ideas that I'm in the mood to chat with him.
"Hmmm, anything new going on?"
"What is it that you would like to know? You are obviously fishing, poorly mind you, for information." How many more hours am I stuck with him today?
"So, I hear that a pseudo-sister of mine would rather date a serial killer than you." And there it is.
"And where is exactly did you hear that from?"
"I'm not one to reveal my sources." I snort. His ass couldn't be any more of a gossip if he tried. "But I will say that a certain brother in law happened to be on the phone with me while his wife was on the phone with BBB." He just lost me.
"Why the hell would the Better Business Bureau care about this?" I'm getting so damn confused.
"Not THE BBB...our BBB. Our Blonde Bombshell Baker." I liked being confused more.
"Who the fuck came up with something that stupid?"
"I'll give you three guesses." He smirks
"Rocco" We reply at the same time. Only that fool could come up with something this retarded. I scrub my hand over my face and wonder what the hell my life has become.
"She didn't say that she would rather date a serial killer. She just compared me to one. And I'm getting fucking sick of having to repeat myself. If you want any more information, go and get it straight from the horse's mouth." Marc's lips start to twitch.
"Did you really just call Michelle a horse? I'm sure that she'll love that analogy."
"You make me want to consider becoming a serial killer."
"Hey, that's not a bad idea! Maybe then Michelle will give you the time of day!" He's cackling like a hen now. It doesn't count as murder if there's nobody right?
"Shut up you jackas
s and help me out. Since she's your pseudo sister and all." I can't believe that this is what my life has come to. Asking him for help. I wonder if I was Stalin in a past life.
"What's in it for me?" He asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Seriously?"
"What? Do I look overly altruistic to you?" Must not strangle to death, must not strangle to death. Honestly, I don't feel like having to dig a hole big enough for his ridiculously tall ass.
"How about the fact that I already saved your sister's life."
"Hmmm, I forgot about that."
"Are you fucking kidding me!?!"
"What!?! I've got a lot on my mind. Listen to the best advice I can give you is to let her get her revenge and then start with a clean slate."
"What are you talking about revenge?"
"You've only ever really seen sweet Michelle. Pissed off Michelle is an angry she-beast from hell who holds a wicked grudge. Don't let those big baby blues fool you man, she's pure evil when she wants to be. I learned early on not to piss her off." He says looking very serious and if I'm not mistaken a touch scared. WTF?
"You piss her and Mel off all the time. They complain about the shit that you do to them constantly." He's always messing with their shit just to get a rise out of them.
"Yes, but only a little stuff to annoy them. Never anything for them to get truly pissed off about. You know, such as ignore their existence for years. In all reality, I'll be surprised if she doesn't slit your throat while offering your soul up as a sacrifice to the devil."
"You're ridiculous. Do you have any actual advice?" I don't know why I bother talking to people some days.
"Yeah. Watch your back!" He starts laughing like a hyena again.
"It won't take me long to get into her good graces. As a matter of fact, I plan on starting that endeavor today after work. You'll see. She'll be mine by the end of the week." It can't be as difficult as everyone is making it out to be.
"Today's Thursday."
"I know."
"Riiiiggghhht. Good luck buddy." He says with an obnoxious smirk. "You're going to need it." He mumbles under his breath.
"Wait and see. By Sunday, she'll be mine." I say with more conviction than I'm currently feeling. Marc gives me a nod but doesn't reply. I'm sure it will be fine. Now I just need to wait for my shift to end before I go see the woman who is meant to be mine. A piece of cake! God, I hope so.
Michelle
"Those look so good!" Mel says while drooling at my chocolate mousse cake domes. Note to self: keep an eye on a chocolate loving best friend. "What kind of icing is that? It's so shiny and pretty."
"Thanks. I made a green mirror glaze since St. Patrick's Day is coming up soon."
I swear that I am obsessed with doing every cake in a mirror glaze right now. I can't even help myself. But let's face facts. As pretty as a cake decorated in fondant is, that stuff tastes awful! My buttercream icing is great, but sometimes you just want a little something extra. And that is exactly where my mirror glaze comes in. You can also add in some really cool effects with a mirror glaze as well. My galaxy dome cakes always look amazing. Especially with some edible glitter and stars! There was no going back after that little boy's space themed birthday party that I did a few months ago.
"What do you want to do for St. Patrick's Day this year?" Mellie asks me.
"What do you mean? We can't really do what we've normally done with you being a married mama these days."
Our normal St. Patty's Day tradition? Two words: Pub Crawl. We lucked out with living in a small town with an unusually large number of bars. The bars open up at 10:00 am the day of the parade. We get to the bar no later than 10:30 am (seriously by that time, it's already standing room only) and grab a beer before the parade starts.
Once the parade is done and the kids have all gone home, the adults stay and play. Everyone goes from the bar, to bar, to bar, all day long. Honestly, we're usually home and in bed by 7 pm. It's a long ass day but a really fun one! However, I didn’t see Morris being okay with us rolling MJ around with us.
Although when it comes to Mellie, he pretty much gives into whatever she wants. It must be amazing to have a man love you so much that they do everything in their power to make you happy. I wish I could find a love like that. But with the way my love life has been going, I'm probably going to die an old spinster.
"Owww!" I say after Mellie slaps my arm...hard. "What the hell was that for?"
"I called your name twice. Seriously, you're becoming worse than me with spacing out."
"Sorry. What were we talking about?"
"Our St. Patty's Day Parade plans." She replies while suspiciously moving closer to the mousse domes. I grab a wooden spoon just in case. Once she sees it, it's usually a good enough deterrent. However, not always. Her pregnancy really almost bankrupted us. I had to make double of everything chocolate that I made. It was freaking ridiculous. I'm still not sure how she didn't end up weighing 500 pounds after giving birth. Girl's got some good ass genes.
"Right. Well, it's not like you can do a pub crawl wearing a baby. I'm pretty sure CPS frowns on that."
"You don't think that I could pull off a Sweet Home Alabama moment?"
"Well, I'm sure I could be the Melanie Smooter to your Lurlynn. But I really don't think that's one of the best ideas that we've ever had. That could be an even worse idea than walking around NOLA drunk during Marti Gras." She inches closer
"Hey! That wasn't the worst idea we've ever had. Plus, everything worked out well once we found Marc and everyone else again."
"Really!?! When we were finally able to find everyone again, we had acquired SIX voodoo dolls and enough beads to cover a hooker." Granted I know the beads are my fault. I had just gotten my boobs done. I finally went from looking like a 12-year-old boy to a woman with curves. To say I was excited about them was an understatement. Although the looks on the faces of everyone we were with when we got back was a bit comical. We had a shit ton of beads!
"You can't tell me that those voodoo dolls aren't boss." Okay, she has me there. They really are awesome. We each kept three. Mine is sitting on the shelf above my fireplace. It's a great conversation starter. Also, they freak the hell out of Marc whenever he comes over. See, win-win! It would be nice to be able to get more of those.
"I wish we remembered where we got them. I would seriously order a ton that looks like Marc and put them in places to creep him out. Can you imagine him walking into his bathroom and finding one on the counter? I bet we could get him to scream like a little girl!" I say with a lot of glee. I know what I'm looking up when I get home.
"He would kill you!" Mellie states with a chuckle. "But it would be a great way to go! Plus, it would be nice to be able to pay him back for all of the annoying crap that he does to us." She sighs with an annoyed look on her face.
"Did I tell you that he came into my house and rearranged everything in my bathroom and bedroom. And he didn't just move stuff to a different drawer. No not this jackass! I found my freaking socks where my makeup is supposed to be and found my makeup in my underwear drawer! What kind of brother actually goes through his sister's underwear?" Yeah, that's just really weird, but then again, they're not really your average siblings either.
"And does my wonderful husband stop him? Of course not! Nope, he just lets him in and then goes about his freaking day! I swear their bromance needs to die! It's ridiculous how they've started doing everything together. I mean come on. They see each other every day at work. Do they really need to be attached at the hip all the time." She sucks in a huge breath. She was really on a roll there.
"So why don't we find him a girlfriend? There's got to be some chick out there that's pretty hard up. There's someone for everyone...right?" I say 100% serious.
"That's not a bad idea. If we find him a girlfriend, he'll leave my husband alone. Anddddd she stretched out “ hopefully he'll be too preoccupied with her to do any more stupid shit to us." She says very excitedly. Geez, how much time was he
really spending over there these days?
"Are cops allowed on Tinder?" She asks.
"If we want some chick that we want him to keep around, we should probably skip Tinder and go to a different site. But are we even allowed to sign someone up without their knowledge? I feel like we could get arrested for that."
"What are you going to get arrested for?" Both Mellie and I scream at the man standing in the doorway to my sanctuary, aka the kitchen.
"Jesus Damon! You scared the shit out of me...again! What the hell are you doing here? And better yet, how did you get in? Don't you ever make any noise? Why wouldn't you announce yourself while you were walking in?" You remember that Limp Bizkit song rollin'? Just change the chorus to ramblin' and you have my song! He's now looking at me as if I'm crazy.
"You really need to walk heavier or something Dam," Mel says while clutching her chest. Walk heavier? He needs to put a damn bell around his neck. Creepy sexy jackass.
"The door was open. And walking heavy gets you dead in my line of work. Now, what have you two done that's going to get you arrested." He grunts/growls. How he pulls off both at the same time is kind of amazing. Mmmm his lips look amazing surrounded by that stubble. No girly bits, he's an asshole, we don't like him. Focus!
"We haven't done anything...yet." Mel answers while looking at him with big doe eyes.
"Okay, what are you two planning on doing, that's possibly going to get you both arrested?" He asks warily.
"Sign my brother up for Tinder so that he'll break up with my husband," Mellie says this like it should've been obvious to him. Poor guy is just staring at us blinking a lot. Hmmm, maybe she broke him. I can see the wheels turning now.
"You won't get arrested, but he'll be pissed. Ask Dec to help you write his profile. He's good at shit like that." Say what?
"You're going to help us?" I ask completely stunned.
"Yupp."
"Why?" I narrow my eyes at him. I don't trust this.
"Because it'll piss him off and annoy the living hell out of him. I find his misery to be enjoyable. It's not like it'll be dangerous to him. Just bad enough for the rest of us to get a good laugh at his expense."