by Jules Verne
Valdemar (touched): Well, neither would I. And I won't leave you, Tartelet. What you have just said was very fine. You must come soon and live in my home. It will be a palace. My friendship, my table, my purse, and a little piece of my diamond will be yours, Tartelet.
(He kisses him on the cheek)
Maston: You'll both go on the journey, then?
Valdemar (energetically): Yes, both of us. I wish we were already on the way. In fact, I wish we were already back again.
Tartelet: What time do we leave?
Maston: At twelve forty-two, by my chronometer.
Valdemar: Oh, by the way, before we leave I must go and see if my answer has arrived. They may have forgotten to bring it to me here.
Tartelet: What answer?
Valdemar: I sent another wire to that cruel Miss Babichok, telling her everything I've done and everything I'm still going to do, so she'll be sure to know. Ah! What a hero she'll have turned down, what a hero! Excuse me, gentlemen. (Exit.)
(Enter George and Ox, from the right.)
George: Here! Here it is!
Ox: This is the spot where you'll stand on the earth's surface for the last time.
Maston: And here is the gigantic cannon that will give you the first push toward the infinite.
Ox: Toward an older world than ours, whose inhabitants may already have invented everything that we have yet to invent.
George: So after going back into the past, to Atlantis, now we're going to head into the future.
Tartelet: But how are we going to get into that cannon?
Maston: You'll see. (He touches a switch and the breech of the cannon opens, revealing the projectile, which also opens to show the interior fitted out like a cabin) You see, your space capsule is fitted out exactly like a first-class cabin.
George: So it is. But isn't it almost time to leave? Hurry! (Aside to Ox): I don't want Eva to be exposed to any new dangers.
Ox (in a low voice): Don't worry. She won't leave.
(Enter Volsius, Barbicane, the members of the Gun Club, and a crowd of spectators.)
Barbicane: We've come to say our last farewell, gentlemen. Is everything ready, Maston?
Maston: Everything.
(Enter an employee of the telegraph company.)
Tartelet: Ah! The man from the telegraph company! (To the employee): You're looking for Mr. Valdemar, no doubt.
The Employee: Yes, sir.
Tartelet: You have a wire for him? Give it to me. I'll see that he gets it. (He takes it and puts it in his pocket)
Maston: Twelve thirty-nine!
George: Let's go!
Ox: Yes! Let's go! Let's go!
Barbicane: Good-bye, then, my friends, good-bye. We'll cheer you on your way.
All: Hurrah! Hurrah! (Cheers on all sides)
George: On to the infinite! On to the infinite!
(Enter Valdemar, running)
Valdemar: Ouf! I got here in time, I think.
Tartelet: Hurry up, Valdemar. We were going to leave without you.
Valdemar: Without me!
Tartelet: Will the gentlemen traveling to Altor please board the cannon.
Valdemar: The cannon!
Tartelet: Oh my goodness! What about Miss Eva?
Valdemar: And Mr. Ardan?
(Enter Volsius and Eva.)
Volsius: Here we are, gentlemen. This young lady has asked me to accompany her.
George: Eva!
Ox: Silence! They are not going to leave.
Maston: At twelve forty-two I'll give the signal.
(George and Ox enter the capsule, followed by Tartelet and Valdemar)
Volsius: Come, Eva.
Eva: Yes! Yes! Come!
(They both head toward the cannon, but just as they are about to board it, the breech closes from the inside)
Eva: Good God!
Volsius: Ah, doctor, you want to leave without us, do you? (To Eva): Don't worry, my child. We'll get to the planet Altor before they do.
Maston's voice (from below): Twelve forty-two. Fire!
(A detonation is heard, and the powerful recoil causes the Columbiad to sink far enough to reveal the landscape in the background. The spectators crowd around the cannon, waving their handkerchiefs and making the air resound with their cries)
All: Hurrah! Hurrah!
A site on the planet Altor In the distance, the outline of a city, apparently built of gold and silver In the right foreground is the facade of a house whose walls are incrusted with precious stones.
(Enter several Altorians)
First Altorian: As I said, this huge meteorite fell just a moment ago.
Second Altorian: I watched it fall, and as it came through the layers of air it made a frightful whistling sound.
First Altorian: It has to be taken to the museum. They've never had anything like it.
All: Yes! Yes!
First Altorian: Look! Look! The aerolite is opening.
Second Altorian: Two men are getting out.
First Altorian: Three ... four men.
(Valdemar and Tartelet emerge from the spaceship.)
Valdemar (lifting his feet very high as he walks): Why am I walking in this peculiar way?
Tartelet (walking in the same way): I'm doing the same. What a peculiar way to walk!
Valdemar: My feet won't stay on the ground.
Tartelet: Neither will mine.
Valdemar (to the inhabitants): Gentlemen, we are honored. Where is the planet Altor, please?
First Altorian: It's right here.
Valdemar: Well, I'm certainly glad to be here. (Calling) Hey! You over there! My worthy colleagues!
Tartelet: They'll come. They're exploring this unusual country.
Valdemar: Ali! We're on the planet Altor, then?
First Altorian: Yes. And you are from ... ?
Tartelet: From planet Earth.
All the Altorians: From Earth?
Valdemar: But what's the city we see over there? (He moves upstage)
First Altorian: It's our capital.
Tartelet: It looks as if it was built entirely of gold.
Valdemar: Wow! That would be worth going to see.
Tartelet: And will you be so kind as to take us there?
First Altorian: What do you mean? We will ask your permission to introduce you to our Academy of Sciences.
Tartelet: The Academy of Sciences?
First Altorian: And then you will be placed in the Museum of Natural History.
Valdemar: You mean ... mounted?
Second Altorian: Oh no. Embalmed.
Tartelet: Embalmed? Just a minute, now.
First Altorian: Oh, later, only after you are dead.
Valdemar: That's very kind of you, sir.
Tartelet: Lead on, then. We'll follow you.
Valdemar: My goodness, it's a long way to the city! Couldn't we rest a little before we go on?
First Altorian: This is the home of a scientist who recently arrived with his daughter from the remotest regions of Altor. (Pointing to a house on the right) He'll welcome you to his cottage.
Tartelet: A cottage! That? Its walls are studded with precious stones!
Valdemar: And the roof is thatched with gold! We're just beggars here. My diamond is worthless now. Here it is.
(He takes it out of his pocket)
First Altorian: You'll find bigger and more beautiful diamonds than that lying on the ground wherever you go.
Valdemar: Damn!
First Altorian (examining it): We don't even use them to pave our roads.
Valdemar: It isn't worth as much as an ordinary paving stone. I'm ruined! And I'm not going to keep it. Definitely not! (Throwing it away) Ah! Definitely not.
Tartelet: Well, I'd like to keep it as a souvenir of the center of our globe. (He picks it up)
(Enter Volsius at the door of the cottage, dressed as an Altorian)
Volsius: Foreigners?
Tartelet: Inhabitants of planet Earth, sir.
Volsius: Earth! A planet of the twenty-fifth magnitude, lighted by only a single sun.
Valdemar: Does he think that isn't enough?
Tartelet: Excuse me, sir. Do you have several suns here?
Volsius: Here there are two, and six moons that rise, one after the other, above the horizon of Altor.
Tartelet: Two suns?
Valdemar: Six moons! So if one of them deluneates-I mean, disappears from view...
Tartelet: You still have five. You seem to be well informed about the planet we've just left.
Volsius: Yes, we know all about it. Two hundred thousand years of progress, from one generation to another, have brought us to the highest peak in every field. Our telescopes, whose magnification can be said to be unlimited, enable us to see your Earth as if it were less than a league away.
Tartelet: Splendid!
Volsius: But there are a few points on which our scientists would like some clarification. There is some kind of city with a small hill overlooking it, a river meandering through it, large buildings, squares, and people everywhere, many people, bustling about in the fog during the winter and in the dust during the summer. What is it?
Tartelet (aside): A city that never gets watered. It must be Paris.
Volsius: We have distinctly made out a large public square with a bridge at one end. Across from the bridge there is a sort of palace in which a crowd of busy people gather. They obviously talk a lot and they never agree.
Valdemar: I know that country. I've been there. The bridge is called the Pont de la Concorde15 and the palace at the end of it is called the Palace of Discor.... I mean, the Chamber of Deputies.16
Tartelet: Yes, it's the palace of the legislative body. (Aside) What was I going to do there?
Volsius: What goes on in this palace?
Valdemar: What goes on? Cabinet ministers get voted out of office.
Volsius: It also seems that in this city people jostle each other around from time to time. They fight, then they kiss, then they fight some more, then they kiss again.
Tartelet: That settles it! It's Paris, the capital of our fair land of France.
Valdemar: Paris. They eat beef, etc.
Volsius: Your country is not easy to govern, then.
Tartelet: And what about yours, sir?
Volsius: Ours? Well, that's different. It governs itself.
Tartelet: Governs itself?
Volsius: Yes, for several thousand years now we've been trying out every system of government: absolute government, which was overthrown by a constitutional monarchy, then constitutional government, which was overthrown by the Republic.17
Tartelet: And the Republic itself?
Volsius: Overthrown by the republicans.
Tartelet: And have you finally settled on something?
Volsius: Yes, we have no government at all.
Valdemar: And does it work?
Volsius: It works perfectly. In fact, it works too well, because the result of progress is that everyone has become scholarly. The shoemakers write poetry and the bakers take up astronomy. We haven't enough workers, and we'll get to the point where we have to pass a decree making ignorance compulsory.
Tartelet: You'll make ignorance compulsory?
Volsius: Another problem is a surplus population, which is becoming very awkward, since it increases every day, and the average lifespan here is two or three hundred years.
Valdemar: People live for three hundred years here?
Volsius: Yes, sir.
Valdemar: Don't you have any doctors?
Volsius: We were foolish enough to abolish them. Since then, we've tried to train some new ones, but they haven't had time to make a thorough study of medicine, and the result is that they cure their patients.
Valdemar: Excuse me, but could you explain one small point for me, please? Why is it that here I feel as light as a feather? I'm walking around like a butterfly.
Tartelet: So am I. Without even trying, I lift my feet so high that it seems to me I must look like a rooster.
Valdemar: Or a turkey!
(They lift their legs very high as they walk)
Volsius: It's very simple, gentlemen. Do you expend the same energy to walk on this planet as you did on your own?
Tartelet and Valdemar: Yes, of course.
Volsius: And since the mass of Altor is one-twentieth that of Earth, the gravitational pull toward the center is much weaker here, and your muscular strength appears to increase a hundredfold.
Tartelet: Ah, yes. I see.
Valdemar: I don't follow that at all.
Tartelet: So if I were to give dancing lessons here....
Volsius: You would see your pupils leaping to unusual heights.
Tartelet: What if I were to do an entrechat?
Volsius (laughing): You might fly away.
Valdemar: Don't do anything foolish, Tartelet. Don't try an entrechat.
Volsius: But I was told that four foreigners had arrived.
Tartelet: Our travelling companions aren't far away. They're busy studying the great construction works being carried out here.
(Enter George and Ox)
Volsius: It's a gigantic project that our engineers have undertaken.
George: Yes, yes, it certainly is gigantic. Enormous gates and huge locks that seem designed to open a passage and let all the water in the ocean drain out of the bed that nature created for it.
Volsius: You're quite right. That is exactly what it is all about, gentlemen.
George: But why? What's the purpose?
Ox: This world on which we have just landed has been in existence for millions of years. It has exhausted the soil needed to feed its huge and growing population. It has exhausted the quarries needed to house them. It has dug bottomless mines to satisfy the needs of an extravagant civilization and industry, with the result that this planet is pitted everywhere with enormous holes, down to its uttermost depths.18
Valdemar: You mean we aren't safe here?
Volsius: No! Because the walls surrounding the central fire are no longer solid enough, and it threatens to break through to the outside.
Ox: And thousands of craters might open up at any minute.
Tartelet: Well! We chose a fine time to arrive!
Valdemar (to Volsius): Excuse me, sir. How do you get to Copenhagen from here?
Volsius: Don't worry. Our scientists tell us they have discovered a way to save us all from starving to death or being consumed by fire.
George: And how will they do that?
Ox (sarcastically): The first step is to cultivate the vast sea-covered plains by diverting the ocean through the huge cavities that I just mentioned, down into the center of this planet.
Volsius: Where it will extinguish the fire that threatens to break out.
George: Would they dare to carry out that momentous project?
Ox: That incredible madness!
George: It's a marvellous plan. I wish I could help to carry it out.
Volsius: Nothing could be easier. This is the day when the huge locks you saw just now will be opened. Come, gentlemen. Before we take you to our capital, my daughter and I will do the honors and show you around our house.
(George and Ox head for the cottage on the right, followed by Volsius)
Tartelet (takes out his handkerchief and a piece of paper falls to the ground): Well, well, what's that? Ah! It's the telegram for Valdemar that was handed to me back on Earth, and I forgot to give it to him. Hey! Valdemar! Valdemar!
(George, Ox, and Volsius enter the cottage. As Valdemar is about to follow them, Tartelet takes him by the arm)
Valdemar: Mr. Tartelet!
Tartelet: My friend, just as we were about to take our places in the Columbiad, a telegram arrived for you.
Valdemar: A telegram? Where is it?
Tartelet: You weren't there yet. They handed it to me and-my goodness!-I must confess that I put it in my pocket and forgot about it.
Valdemar: Good God! It was an
answer! An answer from Miss Babichok! Well, give it to me, then. Give it here!
Tartelet (gives him the telegram): Here it is.
Valdemar (reads): "Terrible event. At wedding banquet Cousin Finderup choked on fish bone." (Sadly) Dead! He's dead. Poor Finderup is d.... (Smiling) During the wedding banquet! Between noon and one o'clock. And Babichok is a widow! (Cheerfully) Ah! A widow, she's a widow, my friend. And on her wedding-day. Yes! Between noon and one o'clock. Ah!
Tartelet: Read the rest.
Valdemar: Yes, yes. I'll read it. (Very sadly) Cousin Finderup swallowed a fishbone. Cousin Finderup choked to death. (Cheerily) "Come back quickly. (With feeling) No matter if you are still a little overweight, if diamond is a lot overweight." (Speaking) Ah! That's so nice, so sweet, so tender!
Tartelet: Very tender. Yes.
Valdemar: Babichok, dear Babichok. She wants me. She's waiting for me. Quick, quick! I'll run to her. Horses! A carriage! A railway!
Tartelet: You want to travel through the limitless reaches of outer space in a carriage or a railway?
Valdemar: That's true. I wasn't thinking. So this is where you hand me that telegram!
Tartelet: Unfortunately, yes.
Valdemar: And when it arrived, I was only fifteen hundred leagues from Babichok.
Tartelet: So? It was just a little oversight.
Valdemar: Just a little oversight, he says! When Babichok is waiting for me, when she's free, a widow, choked to death-I mean, he is, Finderup. Are you aware, sir, that I'm entitled to hold you responsible for anything that may happen?
Tartelet: Responsible? Me? Really!
Valdemar (angrily): If she marries someone else, will you undertake to strangle that person, sir?
Tartelet: Mr. Valdemar, I advise you to use a more appropriate tone of voice when you speak to me, or else....
Valdemar: Or else? Or else what? What?
Tartelet: Be careful, Mr. Valdemar.
Valdemar: Be careful yourself. And don't forget that on this planet my strength is ten times greater.
Tartelet: And so is mine, I suppose. And to prove it.... (Bam.) There!
(He gives him a vigorous kick in the seat of the pants. Valdemar goes flying two meters off the ground.)
Valdemar: Hey! What was that for?