I had known that I was getting involved with someone else’s family. I had known that intellectually in the sense that it was impossible to deny. But it wasn’t until I had seen Samantha standing outside the building, the two of them locked in a conflict that looked as though it was tearing at Logan’s sanity, that it really sank in.
Maybe I should have wrapped my head around that earlier. It had been so easy to just play happy family for a little while. I hated the thought that I had been leading not just Logan on, but Erin as well. I had managed to convince myself that I was suited to this kind of life as long as that kind of life was fun and easy and silly, but now that it was real and staring me down, I wanted out. And I felt like a fucking coward.
What had Ant said to me? That she was scared that I was going to end up sliding out of Erin’s life, leaving her with the same scars that the loss of her parents had given them both. And now, here I was, doing exactly as she had expected me to do. I hated myself. I wanted to call her up and talk to her, but I knew she was far from an impartial ear to this, and she had a pointed investment in me sticking around her brother and her niece.
I went for a shower, ignoring the clothes that I had excitedly laid out on the bed, the outfit I planned to wear on our first real date. My heart sank. How had I managed to catch feelings for this guy that were so deep and so profound when I hadn’t even been on an actual date with him? I had let myself slip and slide into the relationship as long as it was fun.
Samantha’s words were ringing in my ears. I didn’t believe her, of course—I mean, I wasn’t crazy, I knew that Logan wasn’t in love with her and didn’t hold a torch for her and wasn’t doing this out of spite. Samantha proved to me in just a few minutes precisely why Logan should want to keep her away from his daughter, and I believed him when it came to that.
But at the same time, she was Erin’s mother. She kept saying that. And she was right, in a technical sense. I mean, I believed that parents were the ones who were actually there to raise the kids, and Samantha hadn’t been around at least for the last few months, but she had a biological bond with Erin that I could never come close to.
And did I even want to be her mother? Even the thought of that word carried so much weight, and it hung in my head, heavy with what it meant. It wasn’t the kind of role I could just slide into, act like I had always belonged there. I had to earn my place in Erin’s life like that, and I wasn’t sure that I ever truly could. How on earth was I meant to prove to her, to Logan, to myself, that I deserved that title, that role? The work I would have to put in, the time I would have to invest. It was starting a relationship with two people. I couldn’t fall in love with just Logan; I had to fall in love with everything that came with it. And I would have been willing to try if it hadn’t been for Samantha turning up and reminding me that things were never going to be simple with him. He had a past, and I couldn’t just ignore that, no matter how much I wanted to.
The water from the shower poured over me, and I ran through everything I needed to do on autopilot. My brain was rushing faster than the water, and I felt like I couldn’t pick a single thought out to focus on. Half of me wanted to go upstairs and declare to Logan that I didn’t care what he was going through; I was there for him, and I had no intention of going anywhere.
But the other part of me—the part that was a little more practical and connected to the reality of the world around me—knew that I couldn’t swear to that. I wanted to stand by him, and I wanted him as part of my life, and I wanted to believe that I could provide stability for Erin and that I could stick around the way her real mother never had.
But what if I couldn’t? What if that was a lie? What if I was just going to hurt her? I couldn’t do that to her, to him. The thought of letting them down, of letting them all down so badly, made my heart hurt. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put myself in that position.
At least until he had things fixed with Samantha. That much was clear. If she was going to come rolling in and out of Erin’s life, I couldn’t be doing the same thing. The thought of leaving that little girl behind—the thought of leaving Logan—felt so wrong. But it was the right choice, for now, until everything was fixed. I owed it to all of them, not to confuse things any further.
I climbed out of the shower and looked up at the ceiling, wondering if Logan was standing right above me. My heart sank at the thought of having to break things off with him—well, put things on hold, at the very least—but I would have to be the one to do it. I knew he never would. But I was the one who could see this situation from the outside, and it was clear that we needed to take some space, to make sure that, in all of this, Erin came out of it unscathed. It was a shame the same couldn’t be said about me; not any longer.
Chapter 16
Logan
I called Nina’s number for what felt like the dozenth time that week, as though this time she was suddenly going to swipe it up and pour apologies and excuses and explanations into my ear and I could pretend that nothing at all had changed between us.
But instead, the call once more went to voicemail, and I hung up and tossed the phone against the couch. I didn’t know what I had expected. I wanted to talk to her, just to hear her voice, but she had made it pretty fucking clear that was the last she wanted from me.
I knew it had everything to do with that fucking argument she had walked in on. Had she heard Samantha tell me that I was still in love with her? Did she believe it? The thought of that made me the angriest, the notion that Nina might believe for an instant that I valued someone as heartless and hopeless as Samantha over her. Samantha was nothing compared to Nina, the only thing tying us together some tiresome biological fact that was barely even applicable anymore, not since she had given up her rights to her daughter.
But I hadn’t been able to get hold of Nina since the day of that argument. I figured that she needed a little space to process what she had seen, and I didn’t blame her for that; it must have been a lot to take in for her, a big chunk to process, the knowledge that my ex was back in town and accusing me of all kinds of ridiculous shit. She had never met Samantha, didn’t know that this was what she did—throw enough lies out there that you would agree to what she wanted just to get her to stop. She was a master manipulator, better at it than anyone I’d ever met, and I wished I could just go down there and tell Nina all of that. Hell, I wished I could have gotten ahead of this, told her that Samantha was always going to be rolling in and out of my life with a specific kind of demand that she would usually lose interest in a few days later.
But that wouldn’t have been true this time around. No, as it happened, a couple of days after the argument I received a letter through the door, my name and address printed in big, imposing letters on the front, as though whoever had sent it had intended it to make a major impression. I tore it open, and my heart sank when I saw what was written inside.
She was trying to get custody of Erin. I was almost certain that I could prove to any judge with even an inch of common sense that it was a terrible fucking idea, but there was still a good chance we would get dragged up in court together, and I would have to lay my case out in front of her. The thought of that was enough to make my stomach churn with panic. Back when Erin was born, Samantha had been out of the picture so fast it had left my head spinning, but in retrospect, it had been a good thing: she hadn’t been around to fight for our daughter, and I hadn’t had to bother with arguing my case against her. But now I would have to come up with something, something convincing enough to keep Erin out of her claws.
I closed my eyes and slumped down into the chair next to the door. I was due to leave for work in a few minutes—I would be picking up Erin from school right after—and I had no clue how I was meant to keep myself together through that whole shift knowing that my nightmare of an ex was likely plotting against me at that very moment. I could have told them what was going on, of course, but I knew the way people looked at single fathers like me. They were all sweetness and light
and “you’re doing such an amazing job” until the mother came back looking for their child and they were all convinced that the kid should be with them instead. People always said that a child needed its mother, but they never seemed to appreciate that sometimes the mother was better off as far from her child as humanly possible.
I dragged myself to my feet and went to gather myself for work; I was going to be running late, and I had already accepted it. Maybe work would be good for me—maybe I could get some character references from the people who worked alongside me, the people who had seen for years the way I would slip out early to pick up my daughter or push back a shift to make sure that the babysitter would get there in plenty of time. Or maybe they would hate me for stepping in to cover their shifts at the last minute so many times and would want to spite me. I rubbed my hands over my face and groaned to myself—I wished I could talk to Nina about this, so she could convince me that it wasn’t as bad as all that and that I was overthinking all of this.
I headed out to work and walked in a haze, my mind racing as I tried to figure out the best course of action. I hadn’t even told Ant about the letter, not wanting to worry her. She had already been so set against Nina and me, the last thing I needed to tell her was that she had been right and that Nina was out of the picture already. Or was she? She should at least have the decency to tell me to my face, then at least I would know for sure one way or the other.
I arrived at work and went about my set-up as normal, hoping that nobody would catch on to what was going through my head. I knew I would have to talk about it eventually, but for the time being, I just needed to do something mindless and let all this shit fall to the back of my mind until I had no choice but to deal with it. And I found myself relaxing a little bit: this place was familiar to me, I knew how it worked and how I worked as a part of it. I could slip into my normal role and just let it wash over me, doing my prep for the day and chatting with the other guys about what they were doing over the weekend and their plans when they got off work that evening.
I was about to duck outside and take my break, and I headed to the cloakroom to grab my jacket. If I hadn’t been on such high alert, I likely wouldn’t even have noticed the small piece of paper poking out of my pocket. But as soon as I did, my heart sank, and panic started running through my nervous system. What the fuck?
I grabbed it and squinted at it in the dark of the room; the letters were enormous, big enough that I could make them out even in the dark.
“LET IT GO.”
My heart was pounding in my chest, and I knew I had to save this as evidence for the case. But the first thing on my mind was figuring out how the hell Samantha had managed to get into my work—and how she even knew where I was employed.
I went to find Elijah, who took one look at my face and picked up on the fact there was something amiss.
“Logan, what’s going on?” he asked, and I gestured for him to come closer. I held the note up in front of him, not caring who else in the kitchen saw. More witnesses for me when I had her charged with stalking me.
“I found this in my pocket,” I told him. “Another note like before.”
“Shit,” he furrowed his brow, looking genuinely concerned. “Do you know who might be giving these to you?”
“Yeah, I have an idea.” I nodded grimly. “That woman, the one I mentioned before? I think she’s the one giving them to me. And I think I know why.”
“But nobody’s been in here.” He shook his head, the furrow in his brow growing deeper than before. “Just the staff. We’re not even open yet.”
“Well, it wasn’t here when I left the house this morning,” I told him. “And the streets were quiet, so it wasn’t like anyone could have snuck it to me then.”
“Jesus.” He ran his hands through his hair and looked upset. “You want me to pull the CCTV? I can try and figure out how someone got in here …”
“Honestly, if you could pass along a copy of the tape, that would be great.” I nodded. “I need to prove what’s happening here.”
“Is there something going on?” Elijah asked. “Something we can help with?”
“Yeah, there’s something going on, but I don’t really want to go into it right now,” I remarked, glancing back at the kitchen. I could see a few of the guys looking at me, and I knew they had to be wondering what was going down. They might pretend they weren’t gossips, but in a kitchen, communication basically functioned through whispers about this person or that one. I didn’t want to say anything that could get in the way of the case I was going to pull against Samantha.
“Okay, well, if there’s anything we can do to help, you just let us know, alright?” Elijah clapped a hand to my shoulder. “We’re here for you.”
“No need to get all soppy on me,” I shot back, busting his balls the way I always did.
He grinned. “Take your break; I’ll cover the rest of your prep.” He nodded to the door. “Service starts in ten, just make sure you’re back for that, alright?”
“Will do,” I saluted him, and I turned to head out the door, stuffing the note back into my pocket. She had referred to our daughter as an “it.” That was what bothered me the most. She didn’t even see her as a person, just a pawn she could use to get one over on me the way she wanted. She wasn’t going to get close to Erin. I would make sure of that.
Chapter 17
Nina
How long had it been since I had seen him? Long enough that I was starting to forget what his touch felt like, the sound of his voice. How it felt to be wrapped in his arms, to be taken care of by that loving touch of his. Long enough that I was certain that my need for him should have begun to fade by now, but I only found it growing stronger and more defined with each day that passed.
But I forced myself to stay away. Ant had told me that his ex was in town and was doing everything she could to get hold of little Erin, and the last thing Logan needed was the complication of keeping me around on top of that. He had reached out a few times, going as far as to slip a note beneath my door, but I had kept to myself, even though it pained me to do so. I wanted to see him, to find some way to tell him to his face that I wanted to be with him, but everything seemed in such a terrible mess I didn’t want to get in the middle of it and make things worse.
The argument that I’d overheard with that ex of his was still ringing in my ears, pulsing in my brain every time I wasn’t specifically focused on something else—what if, somehow, she was actually right? What if he really was still in love with her? He hadn’t moved on, after all, and for a guy with his charm and his looks that was profoundly strange. I assumed that since nine years had passed since the birth of his daughter, he would be firmly out of the rebound stage now. But perhaps I was wrong. Or maybe she was a liar, just like Ant had tried to assure me. I had no idea who to believe, what to think, who to trust, and the whole thing was making my head hurt.
“You should talk to him,” Ant urged me. She asked me why the hell I had cut things off with Logan so quickly, after getting the story back from her brother, and I told her the truth, getting her to swear to me that she wasn’t going to share it with him, at least not until I had the chance to talk to him about it first.
“I don’t want to pile more stress onto him.” I shook my head sadly. “You don’t think the two of them are going through enough right now as it is? The last thing they need is me throwing a big pile of relationships bullshit right on top of that.”
She pressed her lips together, and I could tell that she was struggling not to offer further comment on the relationship; she had promised to keep her oar firmly out of whatever happened between Logan and me, but it was proving perhaps a little harder than she imagined. I knew there was so much she wanted to say to me, to Logan, to both of us together, but whatever, it was between Logan and I, and not her, no matter how close to the two of us she was.
“I’m just saying …” she held her hands up. “I’ve never seen either of you as protective of a relationshi
p as you were with one another. That has to mean something.”
I fell silent. She was right. I had never been willing to go to mat for someone I was dating before I’d met Logan, and I knew he felt the same way about it. Maybe I should just … maybe we could find a way …
“No.” I shook my head firmly. “He needs to figure out everything with his ex first, whatever it is. I don’t want anything to do with that.”
“Fine.” She sighed heavily and trailed her finger around the rim of the glass that she was drinking from. The two of us were in my apartment, and she was due to head upstairs to look after Erin for a few hours not long from now; she had invited me to join her, but I wanted some time to myself. I had been taking a whole lot of that lately, it seemed.
“So, if we can’t talk about relationship stuff, what about work?” she asked, changing tack. I groaned and waved my hand.
“Work isn’t so great right now either,” I admitted. “I mean, I’m just waitressing. It feels like such a waste of my time, you know? It keeps a roof over my head, but that’s it. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not going anywhere with my life.”
“I get that.” Ant nodded. “Have you been looking for other jobs? Applying places?”
“I don’t even know where I’d want to apply to,” I admitted. “I don’t have a degree; I don’t have any big qualifications, and there aren’t any big passions in my life that I can chase down. I just … I feel like I’m at a loose end. I feel like my life’s going nowhere right now.”
Ant fell silent, and I looked up and met her gaze and had to laugh when I saw the look on her face.
“Sorry, sorry,” I apologized with a smile. “I know that’s a whole lot to deal with when you have to leave in twenty minutes.”
“Come on, like I can’t put your life back together in that time,” she teased, and she glanced at the clock above the couch. “I’ll finish this and then I’ll get on my way, alright?”
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