by Playboy
Playboy: Oh? Why?
Stewart: Because it’s amazing to me that the journey to superstardom always culminates in, “Hey, we really all have to be nice to each other.” Well, thank you! Of course you should be celebrated for coming to that conclusion!
All kidding aside, I can’t believe that it’s newsworthy when somebody of grand fame and wealth has an epiphany that maybe there’s a larger world out there beyond their narcissism—and I’m not speaking of anyone in particular. It’s as if a celebrity epiphany is somehow more valid than anyone else’s and therefore that star is to be congratulated on their arduous spiritual journey. And guess what else? There is no grandeur in that epiphany. A celebrity’s spiritual awakening is no different from or more important than one that happens to whomever is mopping up come in video booths on 42nd Street.
Playboy: Sounds like business as usual.
Stewart: Of course, because in this business your status is elevated just for not shitting on people. You’re celebrated as more than decent for acting normally. It makes me wonder: My God, what’s going on behind that?
Playboy: What do you think?
Stewart: The problem, I think, is people caring about all the things they shouldn’t and not caring about all the things they should. It’s that disparity that creates a fucking star temper tantrum when the tandoori chicken isn’t orange enough. Any human being who has any sense of perspective would understand not to shit on the five-dollar-an-hour production assistant because he didn’t understand that you said “spring rolls” and not “dumplings.” To miss that point is just insanity.
Brett Butler is a great example of this. I’ve known Brett for a lot of years and she’s an incredibly intelligent, funny woman. She flipped out—which I think she would admit to now—but they didn’t call her on it until the show was no longer making them the kind of money that justified tolerating her behavior. There is no medal of honor for the people who pulled the plug on that show. They waited until it was economically feasible for them to do so before saying, “Hey, you can’t treat people like this.”
Playboy: And that sort of stuff is common in Hollywood?
Stewart: It’s common in the world. We are a global capitalistic conglomerate. Corporation Earth. Whatever drives that bottom line drives our behavior. The more you bring in, the more you are allowed to fuck up. It’s as simple as that. When you stop bringing it in, people stop hanging around.
The random glorification can also lead to random vilification. That’s the double-edged sword. People in that spotlight are more loved than they should be and more despised than they should be. That’s why they’re always complaining about being praised and then suddenly attacked.
Playboy: If we were to help you package your philosophy and get a celebrity interested in it, should he or she be celebrated for “getting it”?
Stewart: No. And I shouldn’t be either. It’s like the notion that tacking up the Ten Commandments on a wall in a high school is going to help. Who doesn’t already know “Thou shall not kill?” Who is going to walk into a principal’s office, look at the Commandments and go, “Thou shalt not kill? Are you fucking kidding me? When did that happen?” It’s the same thing with the red ribbon for AIDS. It’s a wonderful thought, but who’s not aware of AIDS? It’s people putting their hope in symbolism and bullshit and not in the actual work it takes to attain the kind of world you want. The problem is that people have to stop looking to others to tell them how to act and feel. People’s internal barometers have to be dialed up a notch. [pauses] I’m on the pulpit now, brotha! Tes-ti-fy! By the way, this is all one man’s bullshit. I want to make that clear. I’m not out there beating the fucking sidewalk with my donation cup and a bell, trying to get money for this. It’s my worldview and it has nothing to do with anybody else. Sure, I wish everyone thought this way, but they don’t. And I’m not saying it’s any more valid or interesting than anybody else’s point of view. Everything comes with disclaimers. For instance, this philosophy is not valid in Tennessee. Or Alaska.
Playboy: We should wrap this up. Describe the Jon Stewart the public never gets to see.
Stewart: Here’s the weird thing: This is my secret life. You have no idea what’s going on in my real life. I actually manage a Bennigan’s. No one knows I’m here. That’s the beauty of it. They don’t get cable.
Playboy: With which celebrity are you most often confused?
Stewart: By people who are drinking or not?
Playboy: Drinking.
Stewart: Seinfeld.
Playboy: Not drinking?
Stewart: The kid from Married With Children.
Playboy: Why did you drop your last name, Liebowitz?
Stewart: It’s hard to see your name in lights when you feel like there won’t be enough lights to spell it.
Playboy: This interview will appear in early 2000. Would you care to predict what will happen during the millennial celebrations?
Stewart: Hmm. I won’t come out of my bunker until January 8, so many of those days will be something of a blur. However, when I do come out, through the smoldering ruins, I’ll see the hand of a child holding a daisy and think, We’re going to be OK! Then an animated bluebird will land on my shoulder and whisper something dirty and vaguely anti-Semitic in my ear.
Playboy: What do you already miss about the last thousand years?
Stewart: I guess the pace of it. The kindness we showed each other. The gentle tableau of a pie cooling on a sill while Ma stands out in the back and tries to figure out why the radar dish won’t get the porno channel.
Colophon
Cover/Back Cover Design: Billy Lymm
Cover Image: Mizuno
Director of Digital Content, Playboy: Josh Schollmeyer
Special Thanks: Murat Aktar, David Anthony, Cat Auer, Oskar Austegard, Patty Beaudet-Francès, Rebecca Blabolil, Jessica Campbell, Kevin Craig, Jared Evans, the late Murray Fisher, Tom Flores, Leopold Froehlich, Barry Golson, Christie Hartmann, Jimmy Jellinek, Amy Kastner-Drown, Bradley Lincoln, Fiona Maynard, Joy Olivia Miller, Brian Mitchell, Kevin Murphy, Nora O’Donnell, Winifred Ormond, Reena Patel, Liana Rios, Oscar Rodriguez, Rachel Sagan, Craig Schriber, Bianca Daad Simpson, Daniel Slater, Landis Smithers, Mallory Somerset, Marcia Terrones—and Stephen Randall, the princely keeper of the Playboy Interview for more than two decades.