Now that I look back, I am amazed and saddened that my younger self failed to invest sufficient attention towards The Gosling. It’s not like I didn’t have opportunities. I’d heard rumours of his hotness from friends, and every time a female journalist interviewed him, she’d come over like an eleven-year-old girl at a One Direction meet and greet.
All this hysteria barely registered with me. I was busy, entertaining a prolonged fantasy crush on Alec Baldwin. (This was before Alec married a yoga instructor half his age – thank you, clichéd fifty-something alpha male for severing my crush in a heartbeat. I digress.)
While regret is a futile emotion and achieves nothing beyond self-flagellation, I can honestly say that I regret this failure to notice and thus appreciate Ryan G. And while this is truly the worst pun I have ever typed, and I regret it too, let me say it in French anyway: Je Regrette Ryan. For in those pre-Ryan years, while I thought I was happily making my way through life, it turns out that I was merely sleepwalking.
Then one day I was so bored of people telling me how brilliant the soundtrack from Drive was, that I decided to watch the damn film, just so I could tell them they were wrong. And they were wrong! That synth-pop is totally monotonous and whiny – I’m sorry but it is. So they were wrong about the music; but they were right about Ryan.
When I revealed to my now ex-boyfriend that I had a late-onset crush on Ryan Gosling, he said something rather insulting about Ryan. I can barely bring myself to say exactly what that something was, it is so patently ridiculous, but still … he said that Ryan Gosling … give me strength now … he said that Ryan Gosling looks like Rodney Trotter in a denim jacket.
Seriously? I’m sure he was just trying to pay me back for the countless times I’ve said that Rose Byrne is kind of average looking. It’s hard not to be jealous sometimes, I admit it. (Of course Rose is a beauty.) But still, Ryan as Rodney Trotter? I Really Don’t Think So. He might as well have compared David Gandy to Trigger.
Nonetheless it did strike me as strange that this ex-Mormon Canadian had gone from Disney Mickey Mouse Club child actor, via years of steady acting in mostly under-the-radar indie roles to suddenly BOOM! The Sexiest Man on the Planet. Did you know he was nominated for an Oscar as far back as 2007? Exactly! Neither did he!
Ever the sleuth, I decided to track the development of Ryan’s hotness. Maybe in doing so I could find myself a geeky ex-Mouseketeer and mould him into my own private Ryan. Having obsessively studied the oeuvre de Gosling (not the worst homework, by the way, better than quadratic equations), I am now in a position to report back on what are the key thirteen films in his repertoire. Here for you now are my findings.
You’re welcome.
1. The Believer – 2001
Plot: A tough one to start with. A tense, harrowing and claustrophobic film that sees Ryan star as Daniel Balint, a hate-fuelled, self-loathing skinhead Jewish neo-Nazi, intent on murdering other Jews – with or without the help of a gang of vile, violent racists: rom-com it ain’t. Ryan is rather convincing as a disturbed and disturbing character – an excellent performance. The film is also notable for Billy Zane’s extraordinarily horrible hair.
Hot: n/a.
Impossible to fancy Ryan, or any human, when they are wearing a swastika t-shirt and an SS badge. Additionally, Ryan’s sterling performance means that his face is often twisted into a snarling, spewing mask of hate. So, unless you find violent fascists attractive, this is a lowlight in the canon. (I’m talking purely in terms of fanciability. If you’re interested in shit-like scripts / acting / whatever, it’s a good film.)
Bear with me. Ryan gets progressively hotter over the next decade.
2. United States of Leland – 2003
Plot: Ryan plays Leland P. Fitzgerald, a very sad, gentle teen, who is in love with the girl from Donnie Darko. He commits a terrible crime, though possibly not as terrible a crime as the film’s scriptwriter. The plot is unconvincing.
Hot: If you had to bet a fiver on which actor in this movie would go on to become a bona fide heart-throb, you’d almost definitely place your money on Chris Klein from American Pie’s broad shoulders, rather than the young Ryan who stars. You would barely recognise this reedy Ryan with his thatch of murky brown hair as the same Ryan from the shower scene in Crazy Stupid Love, and yet they are one and the same. At no point in this film is Ryan hot, though he is endearing – well, more so than when he’s playing a psycho Nazi.
3. The Notebook – 2004
Plot: Super-shmaltzy love story about a young couple falling in love, told in flashback. Ryan plays Noah, who is desperately, unwaveringly in love with Rachel McAdams, whose snobbish parents don’t approve of young Ryan because he is a simple, working-class lad. You will be moved to tears by the end, whether you like it or not. Watch with ice cream.
Hot: An interesting film from a transitional hotness point of view. At the start you’re still thinking I don’t get it, he’s skinny, a bit weedy, boyish, lanky, his lips are a little thin and then suddenly POW! He grows a BEARD. He drinks a little too much BEER. He gets ANGRY. He makes things out of WOOD. And he becomes H-O-T. He becomes A MAN.
4. Stay – 2005
Plot: Complicated psychological thriller, almost impossible to follow at times. Equally distracting (along with the holes in the plot) are Ewan McGregor’s many pairs of badly cropped trousers. Ryan plays Henry Letham, a psychologically troubled art student, who seeks help from a shrink – or does he?
Hot: Ryan’s hair is often dirty in this film, and in a few shots he has a disturbing touch of the Macaulay Culkins, before Macaulay gone bad. Gosling still looks way better than McGregor and his dumb trousers; but not better enough to justify the 99 minutes of your life you just kissed goodbye. Avoid.
5. Half-Nelson – 2006
Plot: Ryan plays Dan Dunne, a drug-addicted 8th grade history teacher in a Brooklyn school, who forms a close friendship with a young student, forged through their mutual loneliness. Excellent performance from Ryan, resulting in an Oscar nomination.
Hot: The film opens on a shot of Ryan in his pants (not quite as promising as it sounds). Throughout, Ryan looks handsome and vulnerable – a winning combo. This is classic pre-beefcake Ryan territory – his character is smart, sweet, sensitive and flawed. More to the point, his cheekbones look particularly good when highlighted by the sheen of sweat brought on by smoking crack.
6. Fracture – 2007
Plot: Extremely entertaining thriller, pitting Ryan as hotshot southern lawyer, Willy Beachum, against a psychotic wife-murderer played by Anthony Hopkins. Lots of twists and turns, and great casting, including a sterling performance by Rosamund Pike, whose hair looks brilliant.
Hot: Ryan’s character is charming, cocky and righteous. He looks supremely handsome throughout, wears some sharp suits, and even manages to carry off a diamond and gold lucky horseshoe ring. If you watch closely there is a shower scene, and a workout scene, but you see nothing, damn it, NOTHING.
7. Lars and the Real Girl – 2007
Plot: Ryan plays Lars Lindstrom, a desperately sad, lonely young man who often wears a blankie round his neck, and falls in love with a blow-up sex doll he’s ordered on the internet. The film charts his intense, non-consummated relationship with the doll (her name is Bi-anca. Pronounced Bi-aahn-cah – long As – rather than Bianca! like when screeched by Ricky in Eastenders back in the day).
Hot: Sometimes Ryan makes it really hard for you to fancy him. It is only marginally less wrong to fancy Ryan while he’s playing a man in love with a sex doll, than when he’s playing a Nazi. In this film, he has a bad moustache, wears lots of heinous brown jumpers and a grim 80s anorak – none of which are intended ironically. His physicality is such that he fully convinces the viewer that he’s a painfully awkward, socially maladapted weirdo. What a great actor! In certain shots he looks like Giovanni Ribisi1 (Phoebe’s brother in Friends, plays the baddy in Ted, married to Agyness Deyn). There are moments when Ryan’s character is hugely endearing; this become
s confusing. It’s not that he’s sexy, but he sort of becomes a-sexy.
8. Blue Valentine – 2010
Plot: Heartfelt, painful story of a couple’s relationship and its deterioration over time. This film is ferociously depressing, but not necessarily in a bad way – it feels entirely authentic. Besides, if my relationship with Ryan Gosling was breaking down, I too would be ferociously depressed.
Hot: Flashback Ryan is super hot as Dean, particularly when he woos Michelle Williams, and serenades her with a ukulele while she dances in a shop doorway. As life, and alcohol, take their toll, Ryan’s looks go to pot – his hair suffers terribly – and yet he remains hot because a) he loves his wife so much, b) he looks like he’s a great shag, and c) he is Ryan Motherfucking Gosling.
9. The Ides of March – 2011
Plot: Ryan plays Stephen Meyers, a staff member working for would-be presidential candidate George Clooney. As one of the key team members in charge of spin, Ryan gets embroiled in a potential scandal and has to take care of business.
Hot: One of the reasons Ryan is so fiendishly sexy is that he is very good at playing intelligent characters and therefore one assumes (rightly or wrongly) that he must be intelligent in real life. His cleverness in this film is underlined by accessories, namely, some rather fine dark-rimmed, non-ironic spectacles. He even wears them in bed, while typing on a laptop, that is how clever he is. Not just a very pretty face. Also, note how his eyes study Marisa Tomei’s features in the early scene where he is flirting with her. Imagine for a moment that you are Marisa Tomei. Good, right? Now imagine that Ryan is actually Nicholas Lyndhurst. No longer good.
10. Crazy Stupid Love – 2011
Plot: Ryan plays Jacob Palmer, a serial womaniser, who decides to help Steve Carrell rediscover his manhood after Carrell’s wife (the ever classy Julianne Moore) asks for a divorce. A charming, funny, silly movie, with excellent casting. Interesting to note that the girl who plays the babysitter came to fame in America’s Next Top Model, cycle 11. Who knew?
Hot: Ryan looks very, very hot throughout, but in particular: the scene at the mall where he’s wearing shades and eating a slice of pizza; the naked scene in the shower where Steve Carrell’s head is sadly covering Ryan’s crotch; the scene where he takes his shirt off and reveals his insane body to Emma Stone.
11. Drive – 2011
Plot: Ryan plays Driver (correct, no name allocated to his character. Poor Ryan.) He is very good at … driving! And so makes a living in Los Angeles as a stunt driver, with some dodgy business on the side. Then he meets Carey Mulligan and things start to go wrong. Violent – avoid if you don’t like eyeballs being pierced with forks.
Hot: Arguably the hottest example of hotness to date. This is not just because of the tight t-shirts Ryan sports throughout. Nor is it solely because the director does an excellent job of filming Ryan at angles that showcase his incredibly straight and pretty nose. More than anything, it is because his character is so damn silent. What could be more attractive than a strong, quiet man? He never whines, he barely even talks. He is the opposite of neurotic; he concentrates, and he takes care of business. And then there’s that kiss, in the lift, obviously, that kiss …
12. Gangster Squad – 2013
Plot: Sub-average gangster movie set in Los Angeles in 1949. Josh Brolin leads a team of cops, including Ryan as Sergeant Jerry Wooters, intent on bringing down legendary mobster Mickey Cohen. Ryan has spoken in interview of how he pitched his voice high in this film, as all the low ground was taken. It’s true: Nick Nolte sounds like he’s trying to regurgitate a toad, while Sean Penn’s larynx sounds like it’s wrapped in heavy chains and is being dragged across tarmac. None of these vocal tricks help distract from the faux-hardboiled, cheeseball script: Tomorrow they’ll take my badge. Tonight I’m still a cop. There is nothing in this film that hasn’t been done before or better in another film.
Hot: Thank god for Ryan! The only reason that this film is worth watching is for Ryan; this is one of Ryan’s most handsome movies to date. Partly it’s the fedora that suits him down to the ground, partly it’s the great hair, partly it’s the fact that he can talk with a fag in his mouth and not look hammy, and partly it’s his character – a bit like Driver – he’s soft, sweet, smart and can execute violence perfectly when necessary. Seriously, he looks hot in every single shot, though particularly around 1 hour and 3 minutes in, when he’s having a row with Emma Stone.2 He stands in a doorway in his home, in a simple white t-shirt, revealing a small tattoo on his insanely lickable inner forearm: a vision of beauty.
My advice? Watch this film with the sound down.
While undertaking the extensive research behind this filmography, I happened to visit the cinema to watch The Silver Linings Playbook and realised something rather disconcerting: I fancy Bradley Cooper 3% more than I fancy Ryan Gosling, which actually breaks the laws of science, as I didn’t think I could fancy anyone more than I fancy Ryan. It was too late to redo this essay focussing on Bradley – besides, I had to justify having to sit through all those shots of Ewan McGregor’s hairy ankles – so Ryan it is.
However, imagine my delight when I discovered that Bradley and Ryan star together in The Place Beyond The Pines, (which also stars the rather average-looking Rose Byrne). And imagine my further delight when I realised it was coming soon to a cinema near me!
13. The Place Beyond The Pines – 2013
Plot: An epic, ambitious tale of intertwined lives – and of the sins of the fathers. Ryan stars as ‘Handsome’ Luke Glanton, a motorcycle stunt rider and bank robber – whose path collides with Bradley Cooper’s golden boy cop. The film focuses first on Ryan’s narrative, then Bradley’s, then moves on to their sons. There is a very sweet scene where Ryan dances to Bruce Springsteen, with a dog.
Hot: Pines Ryan contains more beef than any previous Ryan. The opening shot is of his back, rippling in muscles and covered in inky black tattoos. He has tats everywhere – the most noteworthy of which are on his fingers (one hand – HAND – the other hand SOME); round his neck – HEARTTHROB, and a bleeding dagger tat on his face. Ryan’s hair is dyed a very bleachy yellow blond, clearly not in a good way. And he wears lots of muscle-t Metallica t-shirts. He’s come quite some way since The Notebook. More importantly, he’s not very fanciable, but then disturbingly neither is Bradley Cooper when he appears. I don’t know what’s wrong with the people who made this film – it’s like they have some sort of higher concerns than making these two men look pretty. I thought I was paying £10 to see two hours of non-stop eye candy, and instead I was presented with a thoughtful, involving, original and well-scripted film in which Ryan and Bradley look at best average: very disappointing.
Health warning
If your feelings for Ryan are threatening to turn into a full-blown obsession, I can offer you some guidance on how to curb your enthusiasm. I warn you, however, that if you choose to follow the advice I am about to give, I cannot be held accountable for the results. Suffice to say that if you do, any red-hot burning desire you may feel towards Ryan will be dampened down considerably, possibly extinguished completely.
I would only advise this route in extreme circumstances, for example:
if your Ryanphilia is interfering with your day job; your boss has made snide comments, or worse, a formal note on your annual performance review
you have become incapable of forming new romantic relationships in real life because no man can live up to the impossibly high standards set by Ryan on screen
you have had mean, toxic, possibly even homicidal thoughts regarding the actress known as Eva Mendes more than three times in any 24 hour period
you find yourself writing a novel in which a character makes frequent reference to Ryan Gosling, and then write a guide to Ryan’s hotness, film by film …
Ok. Ready? – But only if you’re sure? Remember, in the words of Lady Macbeth, ‘what’s done, cannot be undone y’all’.
Right: google ‘Ryan Gosling’ ‘C&C music factory.
’ Watch this video twice.
(On the slim chance that you have no internet access, here is what you’ve missed: a young Ryan with a very dated early 90s step haircut comes on stage, dressed in a once-trendy but now just deeply flammable combo of high-waisted trousers and a button-up blouson shirt – think New Jack Swing. He proceeds to dance a hugely polished, technically impressive version of this early 90s cheesy dance-floor classic, with his sister, including groin thrusts and a giant shit-eating grin.) Gonna make you sweat? Gonna make you barf, more like.
Contrary to many online who find this clip ‘adorable,’ I find this clip highly problematic. The fact that mini-Ryan is only ten years old is no excuse. The crux of the issue is as follows: one of the core reasons Ryan is so hot is because he seems so naturally cool. He eschews celebrity. Yet it is impossible to reconcile this super-laid-back, never-has-to-try version of Ryan 2013, with the stage school precocious, fame-whore of yesteryear, so fervently doing the running man.
Put it this way: would a ten-year-old Michael Fassbender have performed in such a fashion? No, a ten-year-old Michael Fassbender would not go there. But don’t get me started on Michael Fassbender, my goodness, that’s a whole other story …
Footnotes
1 Note – in Gangster Squad, which stars both of them, but in which Ryan is properly fit – it becomes apparent that they don’t look alike at all.
2 Emma Stone, Emma Stone again?… Twice she’s shagging him on film in the space of a few years. How is this fair?
The Perfect Escape Page 23