by David Hare
Irwin God, the countryside. You do forget, don’t you?
Isobel What?
Irwin Hello, my love. (He kisses her cheek before going to sit down.) Saturday afternoon. It’s like the trenches out there. Bang! Bang! Bang! What is it about country people? They want to kill everything that moves.
Katherine looks up for the first time.
Katherine Irwin’s back. Are we ready for the meeting?
Marion Let’s get Tom.
She nods at Rhonda who at once leaves the room on her errand.
Irwin We don’t do it in London. We don’t say, ‘Great, let’s go out and shoot some cats. That would be fun. Murder some dogs for exercise.’
Rhonda sweeps back into the room.
Rhonda He’s coming.
Irwin Outside the cities England seems to be one big rifle range.
At once another explosion of gunfire and Tom comes in, carrying a black briefcase, which he is opening on the way.
Tom Right, everyone, I have the proposal in here.
Isobel smiles, trying to make a joke of how brisk everyone has suddenly become.
Isobel Oh, Lord.
Tom Are we ready?
Rhonda Should I go?
Marion No, of course not.
Tom has already walked over to Isobel and handed her papers.
Tom This is the form. You would sign this.
Isobel Thank you.
Tom And this. Incorporation. Transfer of title.
Marion has walked across from the other side and is already offering a Mont Blanc.
Marion Pen?
Isobel Thank you.
Isobel looks round. The whole room is suddenly waiting for her: Katherine in her chair, book on knee, Rhonda leaning against the bare wall, Irwin looking at his gumboots, Tom and Marion standing on opposite sides of the room.
Tom Please go ahead. Ask anything you like.
Isobel smiles, embarrassed, trying to keep the atmosphere light. In the distance the guns fire again.
Isobel Well, I mean, you know I’ve already hinted, I don’t mean to be difficult, it’s just Irwin and I … (She turns to him.) Do you want to speak first?
Irwin shakes his head.
We both feel … I don’t know how to say it … what you’re suggesting is a very big step.
Tom It’s a big step for us.
Isobel Of course.
Tom My company has the spare money. We want to use it. We want to help your firm expand. Because, well, our motives are wonderful. We happen to believe in you.
Isobel Yes, well, that’s jolly good. It’s just … the form of the arrangement.
Marion Isobel’s worried about the idea of a board.
Tom frowns.
Tom Oh, I see.
Marion She’s used to owning her own firm.
Tom Yes, but surely you’d expect us to protect our investment? (He stands a moment, genuinely puzzled.) I don’t think there’s anything sinister in that. It’s pretty normal practice.
Isobel Your company would own us?
Tom Well, yes, indirectly. They wouldn’t interfere. After all you’d have a board of your own.
Isobel Of which you’d be chairman?
Tom Technically.
Isobel And of which I would simply be one single member?
Tom frowns again.
Tom You’d also be managing director.
Marion (firmly) Isobel, Tom is President of Christians in Business. I think that makes it pretty clear he’s a man you can trust.
Isobel turns at once, upset.
Isobel Oh, God, yes, please, honestly, this mustn’t be personal …
Tom (shyly) It isn’t.
Marion He’s Chairman of his church’s Ethical Committee.
Tom We meet six times a year. We try to do business the way Jesus would have done it.
Isobel You mean, had he come to earth in a polyester suit and with two propelling pencils in his top pocket?
Tom I’m sorry?
Marion looks angrily across the room.
Marion Isobel’s making a joke.
Tom Oh, I see.
Marion Tom is out there in the community. He runs all these schemes. For youth. Don’t you, dear?
Isobel Of course. Tom’s honesty is not at issue. (She stops a moment, having trouble now. She tries to speak quietly.) It’s just I fear I’d be losing control.
There’s a short silence. The guns fire again. Katherine looks up, speaks quietly.
Katherine Isobel, you are the business. Everyone knows that. You are its asset. With all respect to Irwin. You are what makes it work. No one is going to replace you. (She shrugs.) The whole board thing is just a technicality.
Isobel shakes her head, frustrated now, beginning to get angry.
Isobel Why don’t you just give me the money?
Marion I find that question unforgivably naive. (Suddenly Marion has flared up, a sister reminded of old arguments.)
Isobel Now look …
Marion No, I …
Isobel (exasperated) Perhaps I don’t want to get bigger.
Marion Don’t be ridiculous. Are you crazy? There’s money to be made. Everyone’s making it.
Tom Remember, God gives us certain gifts.
Marion Tom is right.
Tom And he expects us to use them. That’s our duty. If we fail to use them, he gets angry. Justifiably. God says to himself, ‘Now look, why did I give that person those gifts in the first place? If they’re not willing to get out there and make a bit of an effort?’
Isobel I am using them.
Tom Yes. But not to the full.
Isobel looks at him a moment, across a hopeless gulf.
Marion It’s just the time. You must feel it. It’s out there. It’s the only thing I regret about belonging to the Government. Unfortunately I’ve got to help drive the gravy train. I’d rather be clambering on the back and joining in the fun.
Isobel What fun?
Marion Making money.
Katherine Darling, everybody is.
Marion Please wake up.
Katherine is suddenly animated.
Katherine You know I think this Government’s appalling. But on the other hand, let’s face it, given what’s going on, it’s just stupid not to go and grab some dough for yourself.
Marion It’s more than stupid. It’s irresponsible.
Katherine I mean, give it to the good guys. That’s my philosophy. If we don’t make the money someone else will. Well, in my book the arseholes have had it their own way long enough.
Isobel smiles.
Isobel But isn’t there a chance that taking some will turn us into arseholes?
Rhonda laughs. Katherine smiles at her, compassionately.
Katherine Oh, Isobel …
Isobel Well?
Katherine I think I can live with that danger. Can’t you?
Marion is moving quietly to the far side of the room
Marion If you don’t take the money, then you insult us.
Isobel Now, Marion, come on …
Marion It’s like saying you don’t trust us.
Isobel You know that’s unfair. You mustn’t say that.
Marion I don’t know how else to interpret a refusal. You’re saying you don’t think your brother-in-law will look after your best interests. (Marion turns away, letting the accusation hang damagingly in the air.) I don’t know. Perhaps that’s what you feel.
Isobel No.
Isobel looks to Irwin, desperate for help, but his eyes are still on his feet. The guns fire in the distance. Then Marion is very quiet.
Marion Also, you know, you must think of other people.
Isobel I’m sorry? (She looks at her, not comprehending.) What?
Marion I sometimes think, what sort of life is it if we only think about ourselves?
Isobel looks round the room.
Isobel I’m sorry, Marion, you’ve lost me.
Marion Katherine.
She is looking across the room to wh
ere Katherine now has modestly folded her hands in her lap. Isobel is quite still.
Isobel Ah, yes.
Marion That’s who I mean. I don’t know, it’s difficult … Katherine, do you mind if I say?
Katherine Go ahead.
Marion One of the reasons Tom is so eager to put money in, is to help Katherine through this very difficult time.
Isobel I see.
Marion To me, let’s face it, what’s the best thing to happen to this family? In many, many years? The way Katherine’s coped with bereavement so magnificently.
Isobel stands, her lips tight together.
I don’t think you’d deny her a seat on the board.
There is a silence. Isobel goes slow, sensing a trap.
Isobel No. Well, of course not …
Marion Would you?
Isobel Don’t be silly.
Katherine is quite still.
If the scheme goes ahead, of course, it’s agreed, Katherine would be part of it.
Marion Good. (She smiles to herself.) Tom and I love the idea of Katherine having a long-term directorship. It’s just the kind of security she’s lacked in her life. (She shrugs slightly.) I mean, again, it’s your decision. Katherine won’t mind. Will you, Katherine?
Katherine shakes her head. Isobel turns now to Irwin.
Isobel That leaves only one person. Irwin?
Irwin Yes?
Isobel What you were saying last night.
Irwin looks up mildly from his boots.
Irwin thinks it’s folly to mix family and business.
Irwin I do think that. Normally, yes.
Isobel What d’you mean, ‘normally’?
Irwin I don’t know, I can see, I’ve been listening, it’s all very tricky … (He finally puts his boots decisively to one side.) Let’s face it, Isobel, we are a bit stuck. We do need capital …
Isobel Irwin …
Irwin Tom is cash-rich. From making paper napkins. Or whatever he does.
Tom smiles tolerantly.
It seems you would be getting a great boost. As far as I can see, with very few strings. The best way – I was explaining this to Tom and Marion this morning – to get good work in our field is to leave people alone and allow them some breathing space. (He smiles confidently.) Tom agrees with this. So it’s not in his own interest to interfere in any way.
Marion looks across the room, pleased.
Marion Also Irwin did mention, you don’t mind my saying this …?
Irwin What?
Marion He did think perhaps you were hoping to get married.
Isobel Married?
Irwin No!
Isobel Did Irwin say that?
Marion Irwin, you’ve landed me in it. Was that a confidence?
Irwin Isobel …
Marion Now you’re being coy.
Irwin I said no such thing. Honestly.
Isobel Irwin, what have you been doing?
Marion I can’t really see what’s so wrong with the idea.
Isobel Please, Marion …
Marion holds up a hand in surrender.
Marion All right, disregard marriage, forget I ever said it. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Marriage or not, we are proposing to double Irwin’s salary.
Isobel Double it?
Marion Yes. We did tell Irwin that.
Isobel Irwin, is this true?
Irwin shrugs and smiles, boyishly.
Irwin They said it.
Tom We rate him very highly.
Isobel Yes. So do I. (Her voice is very faint now. She seems dazed.)
Marion It does seem absurd. I couldn’t believe it. Irwin says he doesn’t even own his room in Kentish Town.
Irwin No, I don’t.
Marion At his age, really, Isobel, that is ridiculous. For an artist of his talent.
Isobel Oh, yes.
Now she is staring at Irwin, her mind miles away, as if trying to work something out. Marion takes a few paces, almost talking to herself.
Marion If someone comes along, says, ‘Look, you’ll do exactly the same job, in the same hours, in the same way, the only difference is, you’ll be paid double …’ (She smiles to herself.) You can’t blame Irwin.
Rhonda Why do people think it’s smart to be poor?
There’s a silence, full of sadness. Marion frowns, surprised by Rhonda’s sudden interruption. Then Tom breaks the mood, snapping his briefcase shut.
Tom I have to go. I’ve got a total immersion at six. Are you coming with me, darling?
Marion Yes. Rhonda’s coming as well. Let’s make some tea. Katherine?
Katherine Oh, yes.
She gets up from her seat. Tom and Rhonda go first as Marion stops a moment at the door.
Marion Think about it anyway.
She puts her arm round Katherine as they turn to go out. Isobel and Irwin are left alone in the empty room. Isobel is turned away from him, he behind her.
Irwin Isobel, please. Just look at me. Please.
She doesn’t turn.
Things move on. You brought in Katherine. Be fair, it was you. It changed the nature of the firm. For better or worse. But it’s changed. And you did it. Not me.
There is silence.
I wouldn’t hurt you. You know that. I’d rather die than see you hurt. I love you. I want you. There’s not a moment when I don’t want you.
Isobel stands quite still, not turning. The sound of the guns.
Isobel The guns are getting nearer. God, will nobody leave us in peace?
The lights fade.
Act Two
SCENE FIVE
Isobel’s new offices in the West End. The draughtsmen’s desks are noticeably newer and smarter than the old ones; there are more of them stretching away into the distance towards a back wall which is dominated by a large-scale, chic, designer motif. There are pools of light fashionably formed over each desk, but for the moment only one area is occupied. Irwin is sitting at his board, looking down at Rhonda who is on a rug on the floor. She is dressed only in a short blue silk dressing gown. There is a glass of champagne at her side, and Irwin has another. The place is deserted but for them. It’s late.
Irwin What did he do then?
Rhonda Who?
Irwin This man of yours.
Rhonda Oh, well, of course. He was ready for the pounce.
Irwin What was the pounce like?
Rhonda As you’d expect. It was crude. (She smiles.)
Irwin No, tell me.
Rhonda He’s a senior Tory politician. He’s a Minister. Right? So he starts to talk all about his wife …
Irwin What, she doesn’t understand him?
Rhonda Uh-huh, worse than that.
Irwin Worse? What?
Rhonda Guess. What’s the worst thing of all?
Irwin shrugs.
Irwin You’ve lost me.
Rhonda You must have guessed.
Irwin No.
Rhonda She can’t come.
Now Irwin smiles.
Irwin Good Lord, you astonish me. I’m trying to work out which one it must be. A Tory politician whose wife can’t come.
Rhonda Have you got it yet?
Irwin Not really. To be honest, I’m spoilt for choice. Tell me more.
Rhonda Yeah, well, he’s saying she’s had some sort of accident. Ten years ago. A black man jumped out of an alley …
Irwin I see – what – and this has permanently damaged …
Rhonda Look, I don’t believe it any more than you. A man is talking. Do you believe anything any man says? Especially on this subject? Do you have any idea what being a woman is like? By nightfall you’re stuffed. You’ve spent the whole day sitting listening to men deceive themselves. If you’re lucky. That’s if they’re not actually out deceiving you.
Irwin smiles, unworried.
Irwin Oh, really?
Rhonda Anyway, this man has spotted me in the Library at the House of Commons, researching for Marion …
Irwin And what’s attract
ed him?
Rhonda laughs, suddenly embarrassed.
Rhonda No, I can’t say.
Irwin No, come on, I’ll tell you mine.
Rhonda Your what?
Irwin My most ridiculous sexual experience.
She looks at him a moment. Then tells.
Rhonda He saw me eating a prawn and mayonnaise sandwich. He says with my mouth half-open. So he could half see it. And this has simply driven him mad. (She looks inquiringly at Irwin.) Well? Have you got him yet?
Irwin Agriculture and Fisheries?
Rhonda No.
Irwin Is he in Defence? It’s not …
Rhonda No, you’re nowhere near.
They smile.
I said, well, if he bought me another identical sandwich, I’d be willing to go round and eat it in his flat.
Irwin And did he?
Rhonda smiles and gathers the folds of her robe, tucking them tightly round her legs.
Rhonda Why should I tell you? Isn’t it more fun if you have to imagine?
Irwin And is that the point of this? Fun?
A pause. Rhonda looks down. Then she resumes decisively.
Rhonda Also, of course, he’s fanatical about secrecy. The thing the electorate understands about Tory administrations is that the moment they get in, they take their dicks out of their trousers and all start waving them around.
Irwin I know. It’s strange. It’s never Labour.
Rhonda Never Labour, no. (She pauses, puzzled a moment.) So this makes him also, not only lascivious, not only a scuzzbag as you might say, but also very security-conscious. He’s worried sick about where and when we’re going to meet.
Irwin Do you meet?
Rhonda Yes. Eventually.
Irwin And?
She pauses a moment, thoughtful
Rhonda It’s the usual stuff. I don’t know what he wants. Nor does he. He’s like a man, that’s all I can say. He’s so out of touch with his feelings that he’s like some great half-dead animal that lies there, just thrashing about.
Irwin Mmm. (He thinks a moment, struck by her sadness.) Not good.
Rhonda No. Seldom is, though. In my experience.
Irwin What does that mean?
Rhonda It means men are cunt-struck. But they rarely know why.
There is a silence. Irwin sips champagne.
Irwin Do you think that?
Rhonda Well, I do really.
Irwin Is it always true?
Rhonda Not always. Often. I find men cry out. I don’t know why. ‘Oh, no,’ they say. Like they’re shocked by what they feel.