Scare Scape

by Sam Fisher

“And then I heard this meowing from the tree and I looked out and there was Monte, looking fat as a ham and licking his lips like he’d had the biggest feast of his life.”

  Morton couldn’t help grimacing at this. He wondered how the doting cat owners would feel if they knew just exactly why their beloved animals had returned to them so well fed. A few moments later he spotted Willow standing in the crowd, listening to all the stories, but looking forlorn and teary-eyed.

  Morton snuck up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder, holding the fuzzy white ball in his hands.

  Willow turned, popped her eyes open wide, squealed like a banshee, and jumped up and down like a kangaroo. She yanked Squiffy from Morton’s arms and squeezed her cat until it looked like he might burst. Then she put Squiffy down and hugged Morton so that he too felt like he might burst, then she let go of Morton and hugged Squiffy again.

  And that wasn’t the end of the good news. Later that morning, just after recess, Robbie ran up to Morton with a bright beaming smile that Morton didn’t think he’d seen on his face before.

  “You’ll never guess what happened,” Robbie said.

  Morton shrugged. “I’m not even going to try.”

  Robbie chuckled. “Well, Nolan Shaw just asked me if I want to be the lead singer in his new band, Shatter Box.”

  Morton’s jaw dropped like an anvil. “But … But can you even sing?”

  “A bit, but that’s besides the point. Nolan says I’d be perfect because, according to him, I’m the school’s new most popular ‘bad boy.’ Apparently everyone’s been talking about how we fought off the monsters in the hall and stood up to Brad and stuff. He thinks I’d make his band an instant hit. Says I’d be really popular with the girls.”

  “Girls?” Morton exclaimed, feeling very confused.

  Robbie shrugged. “That’s what I said. I don’t even know any girls.”

  Morton found himself suddenly fumbling for words. “But, are you … ? I mean, are you going to do it?”

  “Of course not,” Robbie laughed. “But it’s nice to be asked.”

  Morton suddenly found himself laughing too. “I guess that counts as a happy ending, then,” he said.

  “Almost,” Robbie said. “We still need to get Sharpe off our trail.”

  Morton nodded in agreement. He was quite certain that Sharpe would come and drag them out of class eventually, but in fact nothing remarkable happened that day except that Finch was seen racing through the hallways trying to figure out where Mr. Brown was. By the time history class came around in the afternoon, Finch had successfully appointed a substitute by the name of Miss Francis.

  After a week Morton began to accept that Sharpe was never coming. The reappearance of the cats and the simultaneous and utterly mysterious disappearance of Mr. Brown had given her new leads to follow. In fact, rumors began circulating almost at once that Mr. Brown had fled town because he was somehow responsible for the cats and all the other odd goings-on in Dimvale. Morton wholeheartedly encouraged the rumor, because it was almost true, and it wasn’t long before the whole subject of the cat thief and Timmy’s bag of monsters faded from fashionable conversation.

  James seemed to be the slowest to recover, but that was hardly surprising. Morton couldn’t even begin to imagine what emotional and physical traumas he had struggled through. It had no doubt been worse for him than for anyone else, although James never complained about anything.

  “So, did you decide what you’re going to be for Halloween yet?” Morton asked him as they walked home from school a week later.

  “Yes,” James said firmly, “I’m just going to be a boy. A normal, boring, humdrum boy.”

  Morton smiled. You could never be that, he thought. You’re my brother and you’ll always be one of the bravest and most extraordinary people in the world.

  Small, fast, and venomous, this partially winged serpentine creature is not to be toyed with. Its ability to dissolve instantly into a blue vapor makes it not only capable of passing through air ducts and key holes, but also renders it impervious to physical attack. In fact, it is virtually indestructible. Attempts to diffuse the vapor have met with little success since the Worm can reform itself into smaller replicas even at microscopic sizes. The toxic venom secreted through the fangs of this creature is equal in strength to that of a black mamba. Specimens must be stored in airtight containers and treated with extreme caution.

  Rarely found in populated areas, this seemingly ordinary frog is deadly. Its secret weapon is a constantly replenishing bladder of highly corrosive organic acid. Larger adults of the species can spit a distance of up to fifteen feet, and just one teaspoon of frog acid is sufficient to melt a hole through two inches of plate steel.

  The acid-spitting bladder makes for a formidable defense, but is also used for hunting. In normal conditions this carnivorous frog will use the acid to incapacitate only small animals, such as birds or rodents, but remains of bigger mammals have been found in some larger frog colonies.

  This fearsome snake is in fact no relation to the typical cobra. Though it shares that snake’s slight flattening of the head and it does have fangs, that’s where the similarity ends. Unlike the cobra, which has a venomous bite, this snake’s defense mechanism is entirely unique. If the sharp fangs and hissing don’t scare away attackers, the Kamikaze Cobra has one final and fatal tactic: It explodes, usually taking the attacker with it. The snake does this by detonating an explosive capsule in its skull.

  Skillful snake charmers have been known to successfully behead this creature before it manages to self-destruct, neutralizing the explosive, but there are also many stories of tragic mishaps. This temperamental beast should be avoided at all costs.

  This infamous pest is similar to other slugs, in that it lives in moist soil, often near vegetable gardens or other domestic spaces. Unlike the common slug, however, the Flesh-Eating variety is almost entirely carnivorous. It has small but powerful teeth and will regularly attack mice, moles, and other small land-dwelling creatures. While little more than an annoyance to humans in small quantities, infestations can become dangerous or even deadly. For reasons not fully understood, large numbers of Flesh-Eating Slugs will sometimes adopt a frenzied feeding pattern, causing them to attack larger animals en masse. Feeding frenzies happen only at night, but many family pets have been lost this way, and some human fatalities have been reported.

  Though it prefers swampy lakes and stagnant ponds, this slithery vermin is more than capable of moving on land.

  Eels usually stick together in swarms of about two dozen and, for the most part, avoid humans. However, beware: A single eel packs a six-thousand-volt shock at two amps when threatened, which is enough electricity to power a small house and stun an elephant.

  Thick rubber gloves and boots will offer some protection, but avoidance is always the best defense.

  From a distance this transdimensional creature looks like an ordinary bat, but closer inspection reveals that, in fact, it has no mouth or nose. Its “face” is simply one large eye.

  Though it is not dangerous per se, the Bat Eye can be used by unscrupulous individuals as a surveillance tool through the establishment of a low-level psychic bond, which can be strengthened with relatively simple spells. Since the Bat Eye does not appear to eat or reproduce, it must be generated by supernatural methods. Many of these methods are described in detail in The Book of Portals.

  This venomous four-headed snake is named after the mythical many-headed beast slain by Hercules. Fortunately this snake does not sprout two heads every time one is cut off. It can, however, survive with only one head intact, making it four times harder to kill than a regular snake. It is especially aggressive when guarding its eggs, which it does very well on account of its 360-degree vision. This may be the reason Hydra eggs were once considered to be gifts worthy of a king.

  Sometimes called Paper Wights, these paper-thin creatures flap through the air and pass under doors and through small openings with little trouble. Some
strains also have chameleon-like properties and can hide in plain sight on walls, floors, and other flat surfaces.

  Though individuals are mostly harmless and feed on smaller insects, they have been known to travel in shoals of up to a hundred. Such numbers enable them to smother larger prey, which they then slowly digest, usually over a period of months.

  Fortunately Smother Fish are easily disposed of with a good sharp pair of scissors.

  The defining characteristic of this rare creature is its reclusive nature. It avoids being seen by taking advantage of its translucent body and confining itself to shadowy places. Despite its diamond-hard fang, from which it gets its name, it has never been known to attack conscious prey, instead first using some as yet unverified hypnotic technique to place its victims in a trance. Though it will eat anything, it is believed that it prefers dense muscular organs, particularly the heart.

  It is also said that the Fang avoids crowds, seeking out houses where people live in solitude. This is almost certainly true, though some debate continues about why the Fang adopts this habit. Some claim it is a purely defensive strategy, while others suggest that the hypnotic powers of the Fang are more effective on vulnerable and lonely souls.

  Not to be confused with zombies, the small but powerful Twins are named for their ability to gain psychic control over other beasts, living or dead. The Twins’ influence over living creatures is limited to animals with lesser intelligence, but they are capable of controlling the cadavers of any creature, including those of recently deceased humans.

  It is believed that the Twins are more powerful when in proximity to each other, enabling them to create some kind of psychic feedback loop.

  Despite having no physical strength or defenses, their extraordinary intelligence and strategic brilliance, combined with their ability to raise armies at will, makes them a foe of truly formidable proportions. What is not clear is what motivates the Twins. They have been known to battle both for and against otherworld interdimensional powers. Leading theories suggest that the Twins originate from their own dimension and it is therefore impossible to interpret their actions on the “mortal plane.”

  Small, sinewy, walking walls of muscle. What you see is what you get with this myopic creature. It has no head, most likely because it has very little brain. Its preferred weapon is a club, and its preferred hangout is a very damp, smelly cave.

  Grunts live only in rocky, mountainous regions and hunt in packs of about five, tracking down larger game such as goats, deer, and stray humans. They do not, however, eat raw meat, instead roasting their food over an open flame. Many experts believe that only the female Grunts are intelligent enough to actually light fires, and though it is almost impossible to tell male and female Grunts apart, several independent reports support this theory.

  Often found hanging in caves, this tennis-ball-size creature has a unique attack technique in which its opalescent skin flashes so brightly that it can cause temporary blindness. The Bulb then quickly attaches itself with its four leglike tentacles to its prey and feeds through the mouth on its underbelly.

  The Flesh Bulb is a large parasite and, like ticks or other blood-sucking parasites, once it is attached it is almost impossible to remove. Acetone or lighter fluid has shown the best results. Though the Flesh Bulbs do not intentionally kill the host, they are occasionally found in large swarms and human fatalities have been reported.

  Extremely rare, almost nothing is known of this strange, creeping, oily entity. It looks like slow-moving black tar and consumes everything with which it comes into contact, thus no effective studies can be done. In fact, it is uncertain whether the Blight is even an organism at all. Some experts believe it is a manifestation of dimensional collapse, and that any apparent mobility is dictated by random fluctuations in some unknown ether. Contact with the Blight has proven fatal in all known incidents, and there is absolutely no known remedy for occurrences. Any areas infected must be evacuated until the Blight naturally subsides, which usually takes one to two weeks.

  This giant arachnid has a bony crablike carapace that makes it impervious to most predators. Adults can weigh as much as four pounds. It has strong venom, which, while not lethal in small doses, will render most people unconscious for several hours.

  Though it does spin an incredibly tough web, it does not use the web for capturing its prey, merely for storing and immobilizing it. Like many larger spiders, it hunts by hiding in holes and leaping directly onto its intended victim, which it then neutralizes with its venom.

  Few creatures boast the raw power of the Snarf. Up to fifteen feet long, with an impenetrable bony carapace and a double ring of razor-sharp, metal-ripping teeth, this behemoth is tough enough to tackle a tank … and win. Like its smaller cousin, the Lesser Spotted Snarf, the Wargle can paralyze its victims by secreting a fear-inducing pheromone from glands distributed all over its body.

  This nocturnal creature has perfect night vision, and its sense of smell is ten times more acute than that of a bloodhound. Few humans can survive an encounter with a Snarf, and the unfortunate ones who do discover that exposure to the Snarf’s poison-tipped barbs causes a slow, painful transformation into a hybrid human-Snarf creature.

  Legend has it that the Snarf draws its demonic power from the brimstone in its stomach, which it gets by drinking from the boiling rivers of Hades.

  These creatures are almost identical to the familiar domestic pests, but with two significant distinctions: They are at least five times the size of an average cockroach, and they are completely carnivorous.

  The only good news about these pests is that they are rare, and reports seem to indicate that they are naturally repelled by clean, bright environments, preferring derelict homes and slums.

  However, if you do get an infestation, be prepared to move out in a hurry. Each roach eats twice its body weight every day, and females reproduce at a fearsome rate, capable of laying several pods in a month. Each pod in turn is capable of holding more than one hundred eggs.

  This seemingly harmless creature is, in fact, one of the deadliest pests in the arcana. Despite its name, the Ten-Eyed Salamander can have any number of eyes, ranging from six to twenty. It is commonly accepted that the extra eyes are a by-product of its extremely advanced regenerative abilities for, like all salamanders, this creature is capable of regrowing lost limbs. Unlike regular salamanders, this one can regenerate limbs in a matter of seconds. Some have even been observed to regrow large portions of their bodies.

  In addition to their resilient regenerative abilities, these Salamanders have highly toxic skin, which can cause instant paralysis, and are exclusively carnivorous. They also have an unsettling habit of jettisoning their poison-saturated tails when under extreme stress. The tails continue to move, usually twitching and jumping violently, distracting or paralyzing would-be attackers while the salamander itself escapes — or strikes.

  Sometimes referred to as a Land Shark, this savage creature is a four-legged nightmare, bringing the ocean’s worst terror to dry land. It can outrun a human with ease, and its ferocious teeth make it a match for most other wild creatures.

  Though it has a highly acute sense of smell, its one weakness is its vision. It has a blind spot both directly in front of and directly behind it.

  Legend has it that the Shark Hound hunts only on the full moon, but in fact this is a myth, no doubt propagated because it hunts exclusively at night, depending as it does on scent rather than sight.

  This large flying insect is one of the few true fire breathers. Despite being little bigger than a hummingbird, it can belch out a shaft of flame six to eight feet in length and generate temperatures of up to 700 degrees.

  Though fire breathing is a highly effective defense, it may serve another purpose. Some experts believe that Dragon Fly eggs can hatch only after exposure to high temperatures and that the insects build small nests from twigs and incinerate them to catalyze germination. No studies have been able to verify this.

  This
unique strain of wild rodent has two heads and hence twice the ferocity of the meanest sewer rat. It will eat anything, from old rope to old bones, and it is always hungry. Like many plague beasts, the rodents have rapidly growing populations, which, in the right environment, can double in size each week. They are also impervious to traditional pest control techniques. Most traps don’t seem to work and poisons have no effect on the Rodent’s seemingly indestructible digestive system.

  It is also rumored that these creatures are more intelligent than average rats, which might explain why traditional trapping techniques are ineffective.

  Often called the foot soldier of the underworld, this humanoid creature is not of earthly origin. However, history documents many incidents involving this being and there is no doubt it is a powerful and formidable foe. It is obedient and fearless and very strong.

  Its thick leathery skin forms a tough natural armor, and like many other-dimensional beasts it cannot be killed by normal methods. It is commonly accepted lore that the only certain way to stop a Galosh is to hack it to a thousand pieces, which is almost certainly true since the Galosh is not actually alive in any natural sense of the word.

  Though completely harmless, these small marsupial creatures are aggravating and infuriating. Capable of appearing and disappearing at will, they seem to spend all of their time stealing small items that they stuff into the pouch on their backs. They are also known to occasionally replace stolen objects with other items, presumably stolen from some other location. No reasonable explanation has been proposed for this behavior. Swag Sprites seldom stay in one place for long, but folk remedies claim that burning a potpourri of bergamot oil will discourage their appearance.