by C. L. Bevill
And where was David the Dodoheaded? Well, the one place he wasn’t was here in the windowless van to run interference. No, Bubba had a seven-foot arbitrarily ruled vegan and would-be Buddhist. He also had a caffeine headache because Paddy wouldn’t stop for even the worst kind of truck stop coffee, and Dan was pontificating the tenets of Buddhism to a captive audience, which was exponentially increasing the headache by a factor of ten thousand and five.
The feel-good moment had flown away like quail when they saw the hunter’s orange vest. Bye-bye, bacon-wrapped quail with bourbon-brown sugar glaze!
Paddy stopped the van. The brakes cried piteously. Bubba had an urge to suggest something mechanical, to Paddy but he controlled himself.
“Is there coffee here?” he asked instead.
“Oh Lord, I will get you some coffee,” Connell said. “I will get coffee for everyone. I will spout coffee out of my backside if that will make you happy.”
“I don’t care for that kind of coffee,” Bubba said.
“Get out,” Paddy directed. He quickly looked around and ascertained that Jack Cass’s Hotel and Resort was mostly empty. Rory opened the door and waited just outside while Dan lengthened himself.
“I could use a little leg stretching,” Dan said. “Say, bub, can you bring something to et while you’re about that coffee. Us big fellas like to have something in the stomach. I’m a vegan, ya’ll understand, but well, when I get a hankering, ain’t nothing to be done.”
“Coffee, check,” Connell said. “Food, check. You want that on a silver platter, too?”
“Styrofoam is fine,” Dan said pleasantly.
Rory approached the door of the nearest hotel room and pointed with the Glock. “Inside and no funny business.”
“I weren’t up to a joke,” Bubba mentioned. He climbed out after Dan and took a breath. He’d been kidnapped once before. It hadn’t been an unbearable situation. In fact, it was something that had occurred because of the machinations of his mother, who was undoubtedly the absolute big cheese of meddling in other people’s business.
“You know, this ain’t my first rodeo,” Bubba said conversationally. “Last time I was kidnapped, we got sweet tea and gumbo.”
Rory paused at the door. “You’ve been kidnapped before?”
“Big Mama treated us properly.”
“Big Mama?” Paddy came around the van with his Remington pointed at the ground. His tone was equal parts of incredulity and apprehension. “Big Mama out of Dallas?”
“Big Mama likes to cook,” Bubba said. “Dang fine cook, too. She plays poker with my ma. Turns out the world is a small place.”
“Inside,” Paddy said and his voice quavering. Rory threw the door open and waved them inward.
Inside was a dim hotel room. It wasn’t a great hotel room. The curtains were gold. The carpets were purple and red. If someone had thrown beads, they would have had Mardi Gras. A woman sat at the little table in the corner of the room. She was working on a laptop computer. She paused and looked up as the door opened.
The woman was in her fifties, and she had streaked blonde hair. With one hand, she flicked on the floor light next to her and everything became a little more vivid shade of mediocrity. Everything in the room but the woman was faded, torn, or dulled by years of light and use.
Her blue eyes widened as she saw Bubba. Bubba stepped aside and watched as Dan ducked his head to enter the room. His head nearly touched the ceiling. The woman’s mouth opened wide, and she didn’t say anything. She stared at Dan for a long time.
“They don’t look like they have connections,” the woman finally uttered to Paddy who came in behind Dan.
Paddy shrugged.
Connell, clearly happy to leave the immediate room, said from the door, “I’ll get that coffee.”
“Donuts?” Dan said hopefully. “Ain’t no pain for donuts. I’m perty sure.” He turned to Bubba. “There ain’t no such thing as a donut critter, right?”
Rory shut the door behind Connell and guarded it with his Glock pointed at the floor.
Bubba looked at the woman. She didn’t look like a queen. At least she didn’t look like any queen he’d ever seen. Sure, he’d seen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith many times on television. Poor woman had the worst time with her family. He could only imagine what it was like for the Windsor tribe. Spending time at Buckingham probably made Pegramville look like the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World.
Mebe I should go to England. Bubba brightened. But they like tea there. Hey, I could get used to tea.
“You threatened my family,” the woman said, with her keen blue gaze coming to roost on Bubba.
“I did not,” Bubba said automatically. “Who’s your family?”
“Bubba don’t really threaten folks,” Dan interjected. “As I recollect, the only time he’s bin real violent is when he broke this fella’s arm on account that he was doing the hokey-pokey with his affianced one. Ain’t that right, Bubba?” Dan didn’t wait for an answer. “Also, he punched Big Joe in the jaw on account that some crazy person was goin’ to kill his ma and the rest of the folks at Snoddy Mansion. By the by, Big Joe is the chief of po-lice in Pegramville.” He chuckled. “Wish I could have seen that.”
“Thanks, Dan,” Bubba said as the woman’s face altered into an irritable scowl. “Look, Ma’am, um, your queenliness? Um, your highness. All I wanted to know was where Paddy bought them parts I got from him.”
The woman’s scowl lessened slightly. “My name is Phyllida Mercedes LaBeckett, and I run the Traveller’s Clan. I’ve been running them since I was twenty-three years old when I married Richard LaBeckett. We have 500 members in northern Texas and connections with all of the major Pavees.”
“You’re the queen of the Travellers?” Bubba asked.
“I am, and you’re the graansha who’s meddling in other folks business,” she snapped right back. “You think I have time to come out here and talk to such as you? I’ve got businesses to run. I have people to attend to. I have no time for this nonsense.”
Bubba was momentarily quiet. Phyllida. Phyllida? “You’re Pip? David Beathard has the home phone number of the queen of the Travellers? I thought that fella, Paddy, was just mistaken.”
“What does graansha mean?” Dan asked.
“Stranger,” Paddy bit off. “It’s the language of the Travellers. A cant that we speak in the States.”
The queen sighed. “I’m Pip to those of them who are friends.”
“You’re David’s Pip?”
“I’m acquainted with David Beathard,” the woman admitted.
“I dint ask him to call you and say them things,” Bubba said.
Pip ran her fingers across the worn and abused table. “Is he still at that place? That mental asylum?”
“I reckon he is.”
“And he’s acting like a pirate now?”
Bubba slowly nodded. “Yes, but he’s not exactly the kind who sails around the Caribbean. He’s got a Smart car. With Jolly Rogers on the sides. And a saber. I don’t think he’s made anyone walk the plank. But I ain’t around him most of the time.”
Paddy made a noise. “Pip, you made us go get this fella on account of that nutter, Beathard? Don’t you remember what he was wearing the last time he came to visit? He had a purple thong on. I had to wash out my eyes with bleach on account of that he felt like he had to show me those frickin’ panties. I didn’t know they came in man sizes.”
“I didn’t tell you to kidnap them. You know, David isn’t completely insane,” Pip said, not looking away from Bubba. “Why would he try to threaten me?”
Bubba sighed. “I believe he thought you wouldn’t help unlessin’ there was some pressure.” He looked knowingly at Rory. “I ain’t had much success with your people being helpful.”
“You talked to Rory already?” the queen ask
ed.
Rory flinched. “He wanted to know about sales,” he said quickly. “The rule is we don’t talk about where we get stuff. You know why.”
Dan nodded. “Them things fall off trucks, you know. All kinds of stuff falls off trucks.”
Rory’s eyes rolled. “That’s been drilled into my head since I was eight years old. We don’t talk about where we get stuff.” Then he hissed at Dan, “Most of it ain’t hot. We just don’t want other folks getting to our sources before we do.”
The queen put her elbows on the table and put her head in her hands. “Ah, Daalyon Swuda. You couldn’t have handled this yourselves? Just asked the man why he wanted to know?”
“He said he wanted parts,” Rory said.
“And David said he was a mover and a shaker, which I took to mean he was a cop or someone who would ruin sales,” Paddy said.
“David is certifiably insane,” Pip said clearly, contradicting herself and challenging the two Travellers to point it out.
“You’re the one who talked to the whackjob,” Paddy said promptly.
“And you’re the one who I told to take care of it,” she snapped right back. “I didn’t think you’d drag them to me when I have other things to do.”
“What does Daalyon Swuda mean?” Dan asked.
“Almighty God,” Paddy barked.
“I like God,” Dan said, “but what does this all have to do with Bubba’s business? I mean, it’s like peeing up a string.”
Bubba was inclined to agree. “My name is Bubba Snoddy. I found something in one of them boxes of automobile parts. I wanted to know where the box came from.”
“What did you find?” Pip asked curiously.
“A note.”
Pip sighed loudly. “What kind of note?”
“A note asking for help.”
Pip digested that for a moment. “You think we hurt someone, and they left a note in the box?”
“No, I think ya’ll bought it from someone who might have bought it from someone else who was hurt and asking for help.”
“Ya’ll don’t have to worry. That person asking for help will come back in another life,” Dan said sincerely. “Karma will take care of it.”
Pip looked at Paddy and Rory for a moment. Then she looked at Dan. “Who the hell is he?”
“That’s Daniel Lewis Gollihugh,” Paddy whispered.
Pip nodded. “Ain’t too many fellas that tall in east Texas. Is it really true that you peed on a policeman’s car while the officer was still inside?”
Dan nodded. The apples of his cheeks turned pink. “It weren’t my finest moment, ma’am.”
“He said he’s renounced violence now,” Paddy added.
“I’m a Buddhist,” Dan explained.
Pip looked at Bubba. “Do you always hang out with odd people?”
Bubba shrugged. “Or they hang out with me.” He could have pointed out that Dan wasn’t the only odd person he was hanging out with at the moment, but he curtailed the words.
Pip took her head out of her hands and touched the computer for a moment. “Is there anything else I should know?”
Bubba took the note out of his pocket. He handed the baggie to the queen.
Pip took it and looked at it for a moment. “Does this say ‘This SAMMY belongs to me!’?” She peered closer. “The ‘me!’ is underlined three times in three different colors.”
“Yes. It belonged to my cousin’s son, Brownie.”
“Not Brownie Snoddy?” Paddy asked.
“Yes, Brownie Snoddy,” Bubba confirmed.
The queen, Paddy, Rory, and Dan all broke out into simultaneous laughter. After a minute of belly-busting laughter, the queen wiped tears from her face. “I have never seen something so funny as when he used the stun gun on Matt Lauer,” she barely got out.
“The funny part was when that other lady said, ‘Don’t tase me, bro,’” Paddy added.
They all laughed again. Bubba would have laughed, but he really didn’t feel like it.
Finally, the queen looked at the note in the baggie. She shifted the plastic around so she could see the writing underneath. “You found this in a box that Paddy sold you?”
“I did.”
“That was an old Chevy part,” Paddy said. “Real old.”
“1954,” Bubba confirmed.
“This is a joke, right?” Pip asked.
“I don’t think so,” Bubba said. “Someone done threatened me on account of it already.”
“How would they know you had it?”
“My mother has a big mouth,” Bubba said, “and she was standing next to a live microphone at the time.” He didn’t mention the fact that he had told several other people himself.
“At the Pegramville Murder Mystery Festival?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t approve of the fake violence that the festival promotes,” Dan said moralistically.
“You should have seen what some of them people were doing when we drove through the town,” Rory said and then stopped when he saw Pip’s face.
Pip considered the note once again. “You can’t believe this is really serious.”
“I do believe it. I believed it before someone threatened me and before someone tried to kill me.”
“Someone tried to kill you?” she asked.
“Bomb. You folks use IEDs?”
“IEDs?”
“Improvised explosive devices,” Bubba supplied.
“We’re not the frickin’ IRA,” Rory said forcefully. “You’re thinking of them other Travellers who give us a bad name.”
The queen looked down her nose at Bubba, which was a mean achievement considering that she was still sitting. “Someone tried to kill you?” she asked again.
Bubba nodded. “Yeah. I cain’t prove it had anything to do with the note, but the anonymous telephone call I got shore made it seem that way.”
“Have you talked to the police about this?” Pip asked incredulously.
“Of course I have.”
“They thought it was a joke?”
“Yes and no.” Bubba gritted his teeth. “Things seem to happen a lot around me of late.”
Dan barked laughter. “Don’t that crack your yolk? He’s bin a murder magnet. He’s directly responsible for four people being in jail and about to stand trial. Even the inmates go ‘Dang’ when they’re talking ‘bout Bubba Snoddy.”
“I dint make anyone commit murder,” Bubba said.
“But someone called you up and said something to you?” Pip asked. “Threatened you?”
“In Darth Vader’s voice,” Paddy said.
“Must mean you might know who this person is,” Pip said.
“Mebe,” Bubba said. “They also threatened some other people.”
“And maybe you’ve brought them to my doorstep,” Pip said.
“You think your boys let anyone follow them?” Bubba asked.
Pip glanced meaningfully at Rory and Paddy.
“Ain’t no one followed us,” Paddy said. “I made sure. We used masks, and we put mud on the license plates.”
“The mud fell off,” Bubba said. “The tag number is BJH-380. Your registration is about to expire. There’s a dead miss in the motor caused by a faulty spark plug.”
“Damn it,” Paddy said.
The queen rattled her fingers on the table. She looked at the note again. “I’m going to have to think about this. Go lock them up somewhere.”
“Can we get that coffee first?” Bubba asked politely.
Chapter Seventeen
Bubba Gets Away From the Travellers
and Some Other Stuff, Too
Tuesday, August 21st
Bubba was actually able to drink a cup of coffee that was two inches tall and an inch in diameter. Then he drank Dan’s cup, too. That was all right. Dan ate Bubba’s bearclaw. Bubba didn’t know how the other man could stomach it. The bearclaw was hard enough to break a rock. He could have used the bearclaw as a deadly weapon. The expiration date on
the package said it was about two years old.
They were locked in a hotel room three doors down from the queen’s room. The Traveller named Connell had brought them the coffees, bearclaws, and an already-read newspaper. He had pulled the curtains and warned them not to open them again. Then he had locked them in. One of the three men who brought them here, they couldn’t see which, was guarding the only exit. Bubba had checked, but there was only one door in or out, and the window in the bathroom at the rear was about six inches too small to fit any part of his anatomy through. Furthermore, it was about twelve inches too small to fit any part of Dan’s anatomy through.
For a little while, Bubba had paced the room while Dan ate and slowly, painstakingly read the paper. “Did you know Judge Posey went to UTA?”
“No,” Bubba said shortly.
“And his wife went to the Olympics,” Dan said. “Dint get a medal, but hey, that’s right special.”
“Yep.”
“The Posey’s once owned a factory in Pegram County,” Dan said. “Bin here three generations. I think my grandpappy moved here from Mississippi on account of him having all the law knocking at his door there. Hey, the Gollihugh’s have been here three generations.”
“Okay.”
Bubba listened to Dan meander sluggishly through the contents of the paper while he thought. Finally, he gave up being patient. He attempted reasoning through the closed door to the unseen guard. “I need to get back to Pegramville to keep an eye on my mother and my girlfriend,” he said carefully. “Ifin you don’t want to tell me the person’s name, that’s okay, but I got to go.”
There was silence from the other side of the door.
“I’ll scream,” Bubba said, “like a little girl who just got pantsed by her ten-year-old cousin, and I ain’t never done that.”
Apparently, the Travellers weren’t worried about that because they didn’t even take note of his threat.