by Roxie Rivera
His rough exhalation ruffled the thin fabric of the blue hospital gown covering my nakedness. "I don't deserve it. I’m a monster who shot a child and then lied to her for eleven fucking years."
I couldn't disagree with most of that. "Why?"
He glanced at me with red-rimmed eyes. "Why did I shoot you? Or why did I lie?"
"Both."
"When I woke up to a gun in my face, I went into survival mode. After I took the gun from your father, we grappled but he got free and ran. Then I heard that noise upstairs. It was so damn loud. I ran up there and saw this shadowy figure at the window. I thought you had a gun. I couldn't…I couldn't see very well. The hoodie and the light from the window made you look so much bigger—and then you reached into your pocket and I reacted."
My eyes drifted shut. Of course. He'd been amped up with adrenaline and probably had tunnel vision. "I was trying to pull the jewelry out of my pocket. I didn't have a gun."
"I figured that out after you fell. I rushed out there to see if you were still alive." He rubbed his forehead and choked out the next words in such anguish. "You reached for my hand and asked for your mama."
Hot tears dripped from the corners of my eyes. "I don't remember any of that."
"I do. I remember it all."
I really didn't want to get into all the nitty-gritty details but I knew that if I didn't ask now I never would. "How did you convince the police you weren't the one who shot me?"
"Kostya was in the house next door. We'd bought them as part of our plan to expand into this territory. He took care of everything in the house to make it clean before the police arrived."
My gut twisted. "Does everybody know the truth but me?"
He grimaced. "Only Kostya, Ivan, Dimitri and Yuri. They were sworn to silence."
Apparently they had kept their vows. If Erin or Lena had learned the truth, they would have told me.
The thing he'd said about my father finally struck me. "Wait—did you say my father tried to kill you? Was it a botched hit?"
Nikolai nodded. "I've never figured out who paid him, and he never spoke about it. He took that name with him into prison."
If there had been anything in my stomach, I would have vomited it up right then and there. "I took part in a hit."
Nikolai cupped my face. "You didn't know. You were just a baby. Nothing that happened that night was your fault."
"But you could have been killed."
"I wasn't. I survived, and you survived. That's all that matters."
I gulped hard. "Why didn't you tell me the truth? All these years…"
"I didn't know how to do it. At first, I was relieved that you didn't remember. It was selfish of me, but I didn't want to go back to prison. For the time since childhood, I was scared. I was terrified of the monster I'd become. A man who could shoot a child?" He shook his head. "I had to change. I had to find a way to make all the bad things I'd done right."
"By what? Taking care of me?"
"I felt responsible for you. After the way you'd fought to survive, I wanted to make sure that you never wanted for anything. I wanted you to have opportunities in life. I never intended…"
I tilted my head after his voice trailed off to nothing. "You never intended what?"
"To get close to you," he said finally. "After your grandparents were gone, I planned to look after you from afar, to make sure your tuition and living expenses were paid so you could pursue your art." He exhaled with such dejection. "But then you got close to me and it was all over. I started to crave you. I need you. The thought of being separated from you makes my heart bleed."
My brain threatened to melt as the words I'd dreamed of him saying poured out of his mouth.
"But how sick is that, Vee? I'm in love with you the woman I nearly killed as a child." He shuddered with disgust. "I'm a fucking monster."
My chest tightened as his pain-filled voice wrapped around me. Touching his jaw, I whispered, "You're not a monster."
"I am, Vee."
Emboldened, I insisted, "You can't be a monster because I love you."
He inhaled sharply. "You shouldn't."
"Maybe you're right," I conceded, "but it doesn't matter. It doesn't change the way I feel about you."
"You can't love me."
I wiped the slick wetness from his cheeks. "I do love you."
His intense stare seared me. Voice husky with emotion, he admitted, "You're too good for me and I should be a better man and push you away—but God help me I can't. I love you, Vee."
I tried to slow the dizziness coming over me as my world spun from his admission of love. Still kneeling at my feet, Nikolai slid one arm around my waist. Tentatively, he touched my cheek, his fingertips gliding over my skin as a light as a feather. Our gazes remained locked as he moved closer. My eyes closed as I waited for the kiss I'd wanted for so very long…
"Boss?" Sergei's booming voice penetrated the door. "Detective Santos is here. The other cops are on their way."
I silently cursed Sergei's bumbling interruption. Jerked out of that perfect moment, Nikolai sat back on his heels. He ran his thumb across my lower lip, his very touch branding me forever as his. "You should shower and get dressed. The bag you packed is on that bench over there. I'll come get you in a while."
"Okay." It wasn't the most eloquent response, not after the baring of our souls, but it was all I could manage in my stunned state.
As Nikolai stood, I expected that icy wall to slam down between us again, but he seemed almost relieved to have everything on the table. I'd grown so accustomed to him going out of his way to avoid touching me that it was a bit startling to have him bend down to kiss the top of my head. It wasn't the real kiss that I craved so desperately but it meant almost as much to me.
"Do you need me to stay here? Are you too dizzy to shower alone?"
I licked my lips at the idea of Nikolai helping me shower. "Um…no. I'm fine."
"If you need me…"
"I'll yell for you."
Nikolai stepped into his bathroom and the attached master closet to retrieve his clothing and toiletries. He paused at the door and gestured between us. "We'll finish this later."
When he exited the bedroom, I was left wondering what this was. I doubted it would be anything as simple as dating. I had a sneaking suspicion that Nikolai Kalasnikov was about to turn my neatly ordered life completely upside down.
*
When he stepped out of the bedroom with his shirt gaping open, Nikolai caught Sergei's eyes widen with surprise. The enforcer didn't say anything but quickly averted his gaze. Anyone else would have made a dirty remark about coming out of his bedroom half-dressed, but Sergei was smart enough to know that Nikolai wouldn't allow that kind of comment when it came to Vivian.
Clearing his throat, Sergei said, "I'll tell Santos you'll be down soon."
"Is David here yet?" He needed his lawyer at Vivian's side before the other detectives arrived to question her about the kidnapping.
"He called the office line earlier. He's on his way."
"Keep him in the library. The other detectives, too," he added. "Santos can wait wherever—but keep an eye on him."
"Kostya's with him now."
"Good." The last thing he needed was Vivian's cousin snooping around his house. Thinking of her, he ordered, "Send someone out for breakfast. Vivian needs to eat."
"Dimitri stopped by this morning with boxes from Benny's bakery. It's taken care of, Boss."
That was just like Dimitri and Benny to be so thoughtful without intruding or making a big scene.
"Boss, uh, Vivian's priest is here."
Nikolai blinked. "Father Semyon?"
"Yeah. He was at the front door just after sunrise. He said he was happy to wait so we didn't wake you. I've given him tea and breakfast. He's been talking with Santos."
Jesus, Nikolai thought crossly. A detective, a priest and a lawyer in his home! It was like the setup to a bad bar joke.
"Keep him busy." Nik
olai tapped the door to the master suite. "Don't let her downstairs without me."
His instructions given, Nikolai made his way to the guest room across the hall and entered the bathroom. Getting undressed proved to be more painful than he'd expected. Sleeping in that chair hadn't done his battered body any favors. Maybe he needed to listen to the doctor and take it easy today. One of those painkillers might not be such a bad idea either…
Once in the shower, he rested his head against the tile and let the warm water spill over his tired, aching body. He'd expected to feel such shame at breaking down in front of Vivian. He'd long lived with closed-off emotions and letting them loose now felt strange and unsettling. He rubbed his chest. The soreness on the surface caused by Vivian's blows would fade soon enough. Deeper inside of him, he felt the tightness of his guilt finally easing some.
Vivian's face danced before his eyes. Though he'd been dreading the revelation of the ugly, sordid secret between them, he'd never felt freer than in the tense moments after the truth had been spilled. Her forgiveness still stunned him. He didn't deserve it and he didn't fully accept it. Maybe he never would—but he cherished her kindness.
As he dried off and pulled on his jeans, Nikolai accepted that things could never go back to the way they had been between them. The old days of dancing around their feelings and pretending it wasn't real were gone. He had to make a decision about their future and he had to make it soon.
When he left the guest room, he found Sergei standing guard outside the master suite. "David is here but not the other detectives."
"We'll be down in a few minutes." Nikolai knocked on the door and waited. Though he'd love nothing more than to catch a peek of her dressing, he doubted he could hold back if he did. His emotions were too close to the surface today. Sergei's interruption earlier had kept him from kissing her. Right now, he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.
"Come in."
Nikolai pushed the door open and found her standing by the window overlooking the backyard. The faint early sunshine of an early December morning painted her with a soft gray light. She'd pulled her hair into a low bun with wisps framing her face.
He noticed the layers of clothing she'd chosen—jeans, a t-shirt, a cardigan. It wasn’t because his home was chilly. No, he sensed that after the traumatic ordeal she'd survived she wanted to feel wrapped up and covered. The reminder of his failure stabbed his heart.
"I had no idea your backyard was so beautiful."
He crossed the room to stand next to her. "It's prettier in the spring and summer, when all of the trees and bushes are flowering."
"I didn't know you were such an avid gardener." Her gaze remained on the oversized and extremely private backyard. "Are those cabbages?"
"I keep ornamental cabbages and kale in the borders." He pointed out the dense rows of flowering bulbs along the back wall. "I've had good luck with the paper whites and crocus this year."
She turned a dazzling smile on him. "I can't believe I never realized what a green thumb you have."
"I didn't know I had one until I bought this place." He gestured to the now beautifully landscaped yard. "When I first started, it was an overgrown, rotten, rundown mess. The house, too," he added.
"So why did you buy this place if it was in such bad shape?"
"I don't know. Something about it attracted me. Maybe it was the challenge it presented. There's a lot of privacy in these older historic neighborhoods." He thought of his neighbors who came from old money and kept mostly to themselves—unless they needed a favor, of course. "It's quiet here. I like quiet."
"Then you'd better send me packing because I have a feeling all of this crap with my dad is about to blow up and get very noisy."
"You're not leaving my sight." The words came out in a rush. Her startled expression urged him to be gentler. "I need you to stay here where I can keep a close eye on you. After what happened to us, we have to be more careful."
"I'm the reason you got hurt. My father is the reason I was taken."
"We don't know that. Maybe this is my old sins coming home to roost."
"Or maybe it's us," she said softly. "What if—what if that hit on you wasn't called off, Nikolai? What if the person who ordered it has simply been waiting all these years? What if he's ready to finish what he started?"
Stroking her cheek, he asked, "What happened in that warehouse?"
"The men who took me handed me over to two guards, John and Robbie, but they were the only ones who spoke. There was another man, a silent man, who called the shots. He would come into my room and stare at my cage…and I got the feeling he didn’t know what to do with me. When he killed Robbie and John last night, he came up to my cage and pushed the muzzle of his gun right up against my head—but he didn't pull the trigger."
Nikolai's fingertips ghosted over the circular bruise on her temple. His heart skipped a few beats at the realization of how very close he'd come to losing her.
"I think he wanted to hurt us. To hurt you and me," she said softly. "What if my father is threatening to tell who hired him to kill you? What if that's what this is all about? What if the man who had me kidnapped thinks I know? When he set that fire, he expected me to die in it—and he expected to hurt you with the knowledge that I'd suffered until the very end." She gripped his hand. "But I'm still alive and he's still out there."
"I failed you once." He tightened his clasp. "I won't fail you again."
"It's not me I'm worried about, Nikolai. It's you. I can't protect you the way you can protect me. I don't have an army of street-smart soldiers to back me up and keep you safe."
Her concern touched him so deeply. "I can take care of myself."
"You don’t always have to do everything alone."
"I'm not doing it alone. I have Kostya and Sergei and the others."
She gulped nervously. "And me? Where do I fit in to your life?"
Grasping the chance to show Vivian exactly what he wanted with her, he slid his arms around her waist and tugged her close. "You fit right here."
Like a teenager with his first girl, Nikolai's fingers trembled slightly as excitement and anxiety rippled through his core. He caressed her cheek and slid his hand along the nape of her neck. Cupping the back of her head, he lowered his mouth to hers.
He took his time, teasingly dipping his head until their lips were mere centimeters apart. Their excited breaths mingled as the moment they'd both desired for so long finally arrived. Heart racing and stomach pitching, he pressed his lips to hers in a chaste, innocent kiss.
Her hands flew to his arms as if she needed to steady herself. His hand drifted along the side of her neck, sliding across that spot where her pulse beat so quickly. Desperate for more of her, he flicked his tongue against the seam of her mouth and silently asked for permission to enter.
As her lips parted, Vivian made a whimpering, kittenish sound that—God help him—traveled straight to his cock. Rock-hard and aching, he stabbed his tongue between her lips and tasted the minty hint of her toothpaste. He warred with himself for control as he devoured her sweet mouth, gliding his tongue against hers in the same way he wanted to sink into her hot willing flesh. The knowledge that his bed was only a few feet away tempted him greatly.
But he mastered his desires and forced them into submission. Vivian deserved so much better than a rough, frantic fuck while his house teemed with police and lawyers and his soldiers.
He eased off the intensity and drew their wickedly sensual kisses to a slow stop. Shuddering in his arms, she pressed her cheek to his chest. He lowered his lips to the crown of her head and held her.
When she spoke, her voice was husky and filled with determination. "We can't go back to the way it was, Kolya. You can't push me away. If we're going to get through this, we need each other."
"I'm done playing that game."
"Good." With a steady inhale, she straightened and stepped out of his embrace. "We should go down and face the police now. Better to get it over
with, you know?"
"I want you to eat first. Your priest is here. You should let him counsel you." Nikolai felt awkward discussing matters of faith. "I’m sure he'll know the right things to say to help you. You can speak with my lawyer and your cousin while you have breakfast. The detectives can wait."
"They're busy people—"
"Who can reschedule if they're in that big of a rush," he interjected. "You've been through hell and need to rest. The doctor gave me strict instructions about your fluid and food intake. If you don't take the time to recover, you'll end up in the hospital."
"And you?" She gently rubbed his chest. "You suffered more injuries than me. You need to rest. You need to recuperate."
"I've survived worse."
"I don't find that comforting."
Certain she wasn't going to let it go, he promised, "I'll try to take it easy tonight." When one of her delicately shaped eyebrows arched, he quickly amended, "I will take it easy tonight."
Seeming satisfied with his promise, she let her hand drop from his chest. He touched the small of her back and guided her toward the door. As they drew close, she started to resist. Suddenly anxious, she asked, "What am I supposed to say?"
"The truth," he said simply. "You should tell them absolutely everything that happened until the moment we rescued you. We want them to find those other women who were taken and trafficked. You have to give them all the help you can because they're going to need it."
"I do want to help those girls." She looked so sad. "I think you might be better equipped for that one. You and Eric found me in that warehouse before the police did."
"We have better contacts."
"Funny," she said rather dryly. "What do I say about the doctor?"
"You tell them that we had a family doctor visit you here."
"A family doctor?"
"Do you know Dr. Moscowitz?" He named one of Samovar's regular visitors.
"Nikolai, he's, like, ninety years old and hasn't practiced medicine since the fall of the Berlin Wall. Does he even have a medical license?"
He snorted at her description of the old man. "Yes, he has a license, and yes, he still practices. He volunteers at one of those free clinics."