“Danielle.”
I was trapped.
“Hello, Mrs. Nadel. So nice to see you.”
“So? How are the newlyweds?”
“Fine,” I said, looking down at the floor and wishing I had not awakened this morning.
“He’s a good boy,” my dad answered.
I shrugged lightly, searching for the strength to form a smile.
“And what’s with that bag,” Mrs. Nadel asked, referring to my attache. “It is so full you can hardly close it.”
“I take files home to work on. There’s not enough time in the day to get all my work done.”
“She’s going to be the next Perry Mason,” my dad remarked assuredly.
“Well, with all that work, there’s not a lot of time either to start a family. And you know, it is something you should start thinking about.”
Like my husband, all that was ever on Mrs. Nadel’s mind was having babies.
“Well, we will when the time is right. But right now we are just getting to know each other.”
“Fe. Who needs to know each other? I already have four grandchildren and I can’t begin to tell you the nachas I get from them. Just seeing their faces, oy, what a gift. And someday soon, God willing, your father will know what I mean. But don’t wait until he’s an old man.”
“My brother has two children and Dad sees them all the time.”
“Not the same. When your daughter gives you grandchildren, it is different. You’ll see,” she said, gently stroking the side of my face with her hand.
Her hand smelled like fish but I smiled. “Nice seeing you.”
“Come,” my father said, walking her to the door.
Rather than taking a chance that she would prolong our conversation, I stayed at the rear of the store.
“Ok. She’s gone. Could you have been ruder?” my father said, turning to me.
“Ruder? Is that a word?”
“Ok, so I don’t have all the degrees my daughter has. But what does it cost you to be polite?”
“Dad, she is the most annoying person. I don’t understand why you don’t see that.”
“Whatever. So what do I owe for you to come to see your father during the day?”
“Dad, please don’t be so sarcastic,” I said, following my father as he stopped at the large display counter of women’s glasses. “You need to clean the glass top, Dad. It’s disgusting. There are fingerprints all over. People don’t like that.” I reached for the bottle of Windex in the bottom drawer and wiped the counter.
“You came to lecture me on housekeeping? How much do lawyers charge to give cleaning advice?” he said, lighting up his cigarette and taking a nervous drag.
“It is against the law to smoke in offices,” I said as I took the cigarette out of his mouth.
My father dismissed my act with a wave of his hand.
“Not funny, Dad. And it is not only your health. I am breathing it in too. So if you really loved me, you would quit. Anyway, you’re right, I am not here to clean your counter or lecture you about smoking. But I do need to talk to you.”
“She must have looked at twenty different frames after she picked up this one,” my father said as he started to put the frames back in their respective spaces on the display. “She touched everything,” he said, lighting up another cigarette.
“Dad, are you listening to me?”
“All right, all right.” My dad extinguished the cigarette in the ash tray.
“I have one vice,” he complained.
“Ok and your point?” I said, exasperated.
“You know that Mrs. Nadel and her family have been coming to me for over twenty-five years. And she has referred plenty of people. This is what you call public relations. You treat your customers right and …”
I finished my dad’s sentence, “and they will do you right. I know, Dad. But you’re ignoring me.”
Upset, my father lowered his head raising his eyes above his half eye glasses.
“I am ignoring you? My daughter walks into my store in the middle of the day when I have a customer and expects me to drop everything and I am ignoring you? You know the money Mrs. Nadel has paid and what others have paid covered your law school and many other things. And you don’t have loans. So don’t talk to me about ignoring you.”
“Dad, please. I appreciate everything you have done. But I don’t need a lecture and I did not come in here to disrupt your day. I need to tell you something.”
“All right, all right, sit, sit.” My father pointed to the chair facing the display counter. “And take off that back pack. You’ll soon walk like me.” Dad always had rounded, stooping shoulders and walked slightly hunched over. And in the last few years his posture had worsened.
“Sit.”
I sat down on the chair facing him.
“So, talk to me.”
“Dad, it’s about Jacob.”
“Jacob? What about Jacob? He just called me.”
“He did?”
“What? Your husband can never call his father-in-law? He needs your permission?”
“Not quite, Dad.”
“Anyway, his boss offered him two box seats for Sunday’s Giants game. They’re playing the Rams. That’s why he was given the seats. Who wants to see the Rams? But they’re good seats. And he asked if I wanted to go with him and his father and uncle.”
“You don’t even like football. What did you say?”
“I said my daughter invited me for a Sunday dinner so I couldn’t go.”
“But that was a lie.”
“Well, are you making dinner?”
“I wasn’t planning anything but …”
“Good. I said yes.”
“Well, you should go. But now we need to talk.”
“Ok, you’re here ten minutes and I still have not heard anything.”
I took a deep breath.
“Dad, it’s not right.”
“What’s not right?”
“It’s not.”
“What’s ‘it’s not’? You learned a new language? I thought you wanted to tell me something.”
My father started to get up.
“It’s Jacob.”
“What? What Jacob?” My father sat down again, heavily. “He’s not providing for you? Buying you groceries? Paying the rent? What, you need more money? You want to move to a bigger place? I can help you. But your husband works very hard, Danielle.”
“Dad. It’s not that.” I cleared my throat. “It is not working out.”
“Stop talking like some code. What’s not working out?” Again my father rose from his seat. “You come here to talk to your father about what goes on between a husband and his wife and you make no sense. Either talk to me or let me get back to work.”
“Dad, even in the best of marriages, problems don’t leave. But I have to.”
My voice sounded stiff.
“Danielle, even in the best of marriages, people may grow apart. But they learn how to grow together.”
“We’re never going to grow together.” It pained me to say it out loud.
“What are you saying?” My dad’s voice rose.
“I can’t stay any longer. I am suffocating.”
“You are upsetting me. You go home to your husband and spend a nice night with him. Maybe make something special for dinner. Go to Frish-man’s and buy some steaks. Here, my treat.”
My dad took out his wallet. “And you need to think about what you are saying.”
“Dad, I am not here for you to buy us dinner.”
My dad looked confused.
“Dad, he’s very abusive. He says terrible things. It’s not the way a husband–” I paused. “You wouldn’t treat a dog this way. And he makes me. I can’t, Dad. Don’t make me say these things.” I started to cry as if like an apple, the core of me had been nibbled away.
My father took his seat again as I reached for a tissue from the box on the display counter, expecting my father to say something. But he remaine
d still.
“Dad. This is not how it is supposed to be between a man and a woman. I don’t know this man.”
My father raised his left hand and rested it under his chin. He was shaking his head and appeared as if he was going to cry.
“I don’t understand. Your mother and I were married for seven years before God took her from us. And during that time we never fought. She may have said things, or done things, but that was between me and her. If we had a problem, we talked and we worked it out between us. And we never talked to anyone else. But to talk to me about what goes on between a man and his wife.” He paused. “I am ashamed of you. What? Are you married even a year? What do you know? You are a baby when it comes to marriage. But you are passing judgment. Jacob is a good man. Are you now God?”
Throwing up his arms in disgust, my father turned and started to hang more frames on the display.
“Dad, you are not listening to me. I don’t love this man. I am afraid of him and I won’t stay with him.”
“You will learn to love him, “my father shot back.
“Dad, this is not a class in law school, Jacob 101. I will not learn to love him!”
My father slowly turned around. “Heinech Nesu’ah Tachat Ei’Nei Hashem. You are married under the eyes of God. He is your husband. Now go back to your home and pray for forgiveness.” My dad then motioned with his hands for me to leave.
“Dad. You are not listening to my pain. You make glasses and everyone praises you for making them see so well. But you cannot see the pain your daughter is suffering. I plead with you. Hear what I am saying.”
My father responded in a very reserved tone. “You are married. Go back to your husband.”
We both stood staring at each other. But the awkward silence was broken when the door opened.
“Hello, Mrs. Dotan.”
My father went to greet his next customer as I quietly exited the store. Not wanting to go home, I walked to what used to be the candy store that was now a Starbucks. As I looked inside, I saw myself as that little girl standing inside with my father. He would take me to the store to reward me when I brought home an A on a test. I pressed my lips against the coolness of the glass window and I could see my father reaching into his pocket and paying the man behind the counter. As we walked out of the store, he handed me a big candy bar and he had an even larger smile on his face. My dad looked so happy. But then I looked down. There was no candy bar in my hand. And I started to cry as I walked down the block to Frishman’s to buy some steaks for dinner.
Rose’s Ninth Diary Entry
The commandant had been away for over a week. But he would be home tonight and had planned a dinner party. The commandant also told Irene that he specifically wanted me to assist her in serving the meal.
Irene said I needed something more appropriate to wear and somewhere found a warm woolen dress and very comfortable boots. The dress was of a classic design with a tunic and high collar. It was the first time in months that I dressed in something pretty and I felt like a princess. As I dressed and looked at myself in the mirror, for a fleeting moment I thought I was back with my family and we were having our own party. I wanted to dance!
Wearing the dress also gave me freedom to move about the house as my movement had been restricted to the kitchen and Irene’s room. Exploring the home, I noticed that the living room was carpeted with luxurious rugs. On one wall hung old paintings of stern looking officers in battle uniforms as well as women dressed in gorgeous jewels and gowns. On the facing wall was a bear’s head, stuffed. The den’s wall was also covered with stuffed hunted animals and a gun cabinet. The home also included a music room, a billiard room, a library and fireplaces in almost every room.
The uniformed men began arriving around 8 for some kind of celebration and I heard them all toasting each other from the kitchen. Their raucous laughter was so loud that it rattled the crystal on the table.
I had never worked before as a server and Irene instructed me repeatedly to be very careful. Above all, do not spill. So, very cautiously, I served enormous trays of food including pheasant that looked as if it was still alive, brightly-colored salad, and beautiful dessert tarts covered with chocolate and jeweled decorations with ice cream that were carved to resemble beautiful swans.
After we finished serving dessert and clearing the table, Irene said she had a very bad headache and was going to lie down. I thought this was odd as Irene never left me alone for very long, especially when the commandant was home.
But shortly after I heard the last guest leave, the commandant appeared at the kitchen door. His eyes immediately focused on the chopping board in the sink covered in meat juice and the stone floor littered with potato peelings.
The commandant’s smell of alcohol and tobacco was overwhelming and I feared I would be punished for the dirty scene. But, instead, as I continued washing the cutting board, he put his hand on my shoulder. As he did, my lower lip quivered and it was an effort to hold back my tears. But I would not let him know I was scared. Instead I prayed that Irene would quickly return.
“Hübsches Mädchen (pretty girl). Hübsches Mädchen,” he snarled with his narrowed eyes glaring at me as he brushed his hand across my face before he turned around and left. My heart was pounding as I rushed to finish.
It was also Irene’s responsibility to watch me go down the stairs, turn out the light, and lock the door. Nevertheless, I finished my chores and shut the door, making my way in total darkness to my bed.
Moments later, I heard the basement door open and then quickly close. Scared, I pulled the sheets up over my face but the sheets could not filter out the smell from the cloud of alcohol that was growing closer.
A hand pulled the sheet down and I opened my eyes. Sitting on the side of my bed was the commandant. His eyes were icy cold.
“Sie sind meins (You are mine),” he said in a vulgar voice as he put his hand over my mouth and kissed me on the side of my face while whispering that if I fought him I would be back with the dying.
His terrible eyes told me to remain still and not make a sound. Nodding my head in agreement, I followed orders and did not move as he lifted my top shirt, touching my breasts and painfully squeezing each nipple. I choked on the smoky smell of his body.
He then pulled off all the covers and the coldness of the room blanketed my body, sending me into shivers from head to toe. I tried to cry but my body was too cold to form tears as I felt him tug at my underwear. Instead, I tightly closed my eyes as he climbed on top of me and parted my legs with his dirty cigar-stained hands. He pinned my wrists with his weight and strength, repeating that I would be back with the dying if I fought him.
My mind raced as my mind searched for some way to escape the clutches of this demented creature. But if I did not succumb I would probably not live to see another day.
I needed to breathe. When I opened my eyes I looked into the commandant’s eyes which had now turned from stone cold to fire and I felt my body being kissed and bitten all over. My head was spinning and aching and I wanted to bathe my face in cold sink water to shower off the smell of alcohol. But instead the commandant buried my face in his hairy chest as he moved on top of me.
“Sie mögen (you like)?” he asked but not caring as he inserted one finger up into me and moved it in and out. Then a second finger as I again closed my eyes. But my eyes opened wide as I felt him enter me with one great push. I was about to scream out when he put his hand like a vise tightly over my mouth.
As he moved in and out, it felt like he was tearing me apart and I feared that the springs on the bed would not hold and we would crash to the ground.
Tambala, Tambala, Tumbalalaika
Tumbala, Tumbala, Tumbalalaika
Tumbalalaika, shpil balalaika
Tumbalalaika freylekh zol zany
I hummed to myself and he thrust in and out and in and out.
Tumbala, Tumbala, Tumbalalaika
His movement grew faster.
Tumbala, Tumba
la, Tumbalalaika
I dreamed I was in my home. I had my ballerina outfit on and I was performing for my parents and sisters. And the sun was shining so brightly.
Tumbalalaika, shpil balalaika
Everyone was smiling.
Tumbalalaika freylekh zol zany
The thrusting abruptly stopped and was replaced by an awful sound as the commandant grabbed the back of my hair while the palms of my hands fell limp against the ground.
Finally, the weight of his body lifted and he placed a slobbery kiss on my forehead. I was now a woman but not in the way I wanted to become one.
Daylight could not come soon enough. I could not sleep and lay awake wishing I could wash the smell and taste of the commandant off my body.
The next morning, as the basement door opened, I bolted into Irene’s room. Pausing in front of her bedroom mirror, I lifted my top and caught a glimpse of my naked body. I was shocked to see purplish reddish spots all over my breasts and other parts of my body. Turning my head slightly, I was confronted by my reflection; my face was sad, the corners of my mouth were tight, and my eyes were gray and anxious and verging on tears. Also in the reflection was Irene. Seeing her weep, her eyes were asking for forgiveness. But I knew there was nothing she could have done.
Chapter Twelve
It had been bitterly cold for several days with the daytime temperature never getting above freezing. But though I reminded Jacob this morning that today was our six month wedding anniversary and it would be nice to go out somewhere for dinner to celebrate, he texted me later and asked if we could stay in and go out over the weekend. So, like a good wife, I stopped off at Frishman’s, bought some vegetables at the market, tossed a salad, set the table and waited for my prince charming to arrive.
“What’s for dinner?” Jacob barked as I heard the door open.
“How about hello,” I barked back from the kitchen.
Against My Will Page 9