I promise to give this my all. I’ll make it work. For me. For Blake.
For us.
A smile found my lips and then fell just as quickly when my phone pinged.
Damon: How’s Blake? Oh, wait, you’re alone now right? Want company?
“SO, WHERE THE hell have you been?” Jace popped his gum across the table from me. I had a quick break, so I’d decided to meet him in the cafeteria. I hadn’t seen him in about a week—it was a new record.
“With Drew, fricken killing myself.” I scowled, but really, I was beginning to look forward to our training sessions. I could feel my body getting stronger, and it wasn’t such a struggle to pull myself out of bed in the morning these days, despite all of the random text messages from Damon. They always managed to knock the wind out of me until I could push away the anxiety and remind myself he was far away. But still, he seemed to be becoming more and more obsessive lately.
“You’re like a hottie magnet.” Jace fanned himself, bringing me back to the present. “Remind me to thank you for tying your ass to me eternally.”
“You’re welcome.” I smirked at my best friend. “Speaking of—you’ve been quiet on the boy-toy talk lately. What gives?”
Jace stiffened, his jovial behavior melting from his expression. “Nothing. Just haven’t been doing much. I’m in a slump.” Jace tipped so far back in his seat, the two front legs lifted from the floor. I followed his line of sight to a jock in a tight-ish pair of jeans meandering tables, books dangling from his side in his upturned hand.
“You don’t slump, you slant,” I stated in disbelief. I couldn’t believe those words were leaving my best friend’s mouth. “Exhibit A.” I motioned in a grand gesture.
“Huh?” Jace answered without truly acknowledging me.
I cleared my throat with a loud, “Ahem.”
He turned his head to me, still perpendicular, and then glanced the expanse of his tilted body before bouncing the legs back forward, laughing wholeheartedly.
“See? Slant.” I joined him in a belly laugh.
“God, I needed that.” Jace’s expression was one of pure relief, and I wondered what my best friend was keeping from me.
“You’re welcome.” I appraised him another moment. “Wanna talk about it?” I tiptoed around what was sure to be a heavy topic if it had him this troubled. Chewing his lip, he stared at me, unsure. I covered his hand. “Come on, love. It’s me.”
“There is somebody. A real somebody, I think.” Jace never lost his sullen expression, and I wondered why, when this was such fantastic news.
“Jace, that’s great. I’m so happy for you. Who is he? I want to know every—”
“He’s in the closet, Eva,” he replied quickly. “A big, fucking metal closet with locks and bolts and chains.”
“Oh.” I rested against my chair as it all sank in. “Oh, Jace, I’m so sorry.” His first chance at something real and it probably wouldn’t bear fruit. And even if he did stay with him, he would need to skulk around in quiet as if their love for each other was wrong. I squeezed his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He looked at me matter-of-factly and stated, “Closet,” as if that explained it all.
I stroked the back of his hand, trying to soothe his ache and get him to open up. “Come on, Jace, when did secrets ever matter between us?”
“You’re right,” he sighed. “But this one hurts. I’m scared, love. And I don’t scare easy. I don’t even like admitting it. I’m trying not to think about it.” He shrugged. “But if he leaves . . . If he gives up on this . . .” His voice was replaced by a shudder that I was sure rocked him deeper than I could see. As flamboyant and full of himself as Jace might have appeared, I knew he had always had some deep-rooted acceptance issues.
“You’ll be just fine,” I assured him. “You’re Jace-fucking-Dayco, bitch. You bow to nothing and hold no prisoners. You know this.” He looked into my eyes, a film of hope seeming to wash away a fraction of the gloom I saw there.
“Besides,” I patted his hand and straightened, brightening my tone, “we’re not going to think that way. If you’re this serious about him, then I’m sure he loves you, too. He’ll see the light, and you’ll get your happily ever after.” The irony of those words were not lost on me. Regret of what might have been crashed into my chest like a wrecking ball. I swallowed a long, hard gulp and tried to seem unaffected and be strong for my best friend. I was sure everyone was sick of the constant pity-party that was my life.
Always in my head, Jace noticed. It was both a blessing and a curse. “Still stings, huh?”
I joined the tips of my fingers and picked at the skin surrounding my nails, dropping my gaze to their undone state. At one time they had always been manicured. And pink. Blake loved when they were pink.
I sucked in a breath and tossed the thought aside. “I’m sure it always will.” I stood. “Come on, walk me to class.”
Jace hooked an arm around my waist, and I rested my head on his chest as we walked. “Why don’t you go talk to him? There’s no sense in being alone, Eva.”
“He’s moved on, Jace.” The words were bitter and disgusting leaving my mouth, like day old coffee.
“I don’t think that’s true, love.” He softened. “I don’t think he’ll ever be over you.”
“I wish that were the case, but I saw it with my own eyes. I have to let him go. I need to give him a fighting chance at a normal life.”
He stopped walking and turned to me. “I just don’t buy it. I don’t care whose eyes saw it. You need to try.”
“Doesn’t matter. I won’t go back to him unless I’m sure I can completely fix myself. Be what he needs. He deserves that. And I know him. He won’t settle for less.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Topic change.” I flicked my wrist in the air, making it obvious this discussion was off the table.
Jace exhaled and snaked his arm around my waist again, moving me along. “So, you and Drew, huh?”
“Yeah, he’s been so helpful. I’m really glad I took him up on his offer. He’s an outsider but still feels like an insider. I can tell him this stuff without having to worry that anything will come of it. It’s been refreshing.”
“You sure he’s not looking for more than you’re giving him?”
I stopped walking.
Except for in the very beginning, before we really knew each other, Drew had never given me the impression he wanted anything more than friendship from me. Once he knew my past, it had been strictly business—training, and a regular friendship off the mats. It’s why I was so comfortable being around him. “I don’t think so. Drew and I are just friends.”
Jace raised a perfectly sculpted brow that I’d been jealous of since middle school. “All I’m saying is you guys have been spending an awful lot of time together. I’d make sure he doesn’t see a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow you’re shitting.”
My forehead tightened with the pull of my eyebrows. I never considered he might still be looking for more than I was willing to give him.
DOCTOR CHRISTIANSON SAT across from me with her stockinged leg crossed and bobbing, a pricey black pump dangling from her toe. She wore a look of confusion mingled with pleasure, although she was definitely trying to hide it. She studied me, a yellow notepad on her lap, rolling a pen along her bottom lip.
“You’re different,” she finally stated.
Unsure of whether or not I truly was different, and not yet ready to waste hope, I answered her with a fidget as I changed the direction of the cross of my legs.
She finally allowed a soft smile. “Have you been talking with Drew?”
I nodded and flipped my hair to the opposite side.
Her smile expanded. “That’s it?” She re-shoe’ed her foot and placed it on the floor beside the other, sitting up straighter. “Eva, that’s fantastic news. This is a big step for you. Have you been able to open up to him? I believe the two of you could benefit from one another. Be a Band-Ai
d of sorts. Not just him for you, but you for him as well. Perhaps you guys could find solace in each other.”
Solace.
The word brought the Sarah McLachlan album to mind. Lots of times I’d used her songs for comfort, but what was his? I immediately felt sorry I hadn’t offered him as much of the shoulder he’d lent me. He was always so focused on training that, besides that first day when we’d met for coffee, we barely spoke of our pasts. I was sure that would change once he thought he’d gotten me on the right track.
Right now he just seemed determined to turn me into the female version of the Terminator. Which I probably wouldn’t mind since I’d always been jealous of that chick.
“I have.” I smiled fondly, thinking of him, grateful for all that he had done for me. “He knows everything. He’s been training me. Wants me to get strong. There was no fighting him. He’s a stubborn son-of-a-bitch.”
Doctor Christianson allowed herself a heavy chuckle. “That he is. But he’s also a genuine son-of-a-bitch. He’d give you the shirt off his back. Just be gentle with him, too.” The corners of her mouth relaxed, but the smile in her eyes remained. “So . . . did it feel good?”
“It felt . . . wonderful.” I exhaled, finally releasing the remaining tension. “Refreshing and liberating. I had a weak moment where I almost didn’t go through with it, but he pushed me. Like I said—stubborn.” I rolled my eyes before looking back to her and tucking away an errant curl. My voice softened. “But I’m glad that I did. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” My mind instinctively started to recall days with Blake when I was happier, but I stopped them quickly. If I was going to be successful in my growth, I had to set those thoughts aside. They would only tunnel me back into the what-might-have-beens, and those were dangerous. They usually resulted in me rocking in a corner.
The good doctor didn’t seem to notice. “Well, Eva, I believe you’ve reached step two.” The smile on her face could light up a room. “Don’t stop with him, though. I want you to keep going. Talk about it until it doesn’t seem shameful. Until you’ve reached step three.” She focused her eyes on me as if to gauge whether or not she thought I could do it by my reaction. “Forgiveness—both for yourself and Damon. Let go of what he’s bogged you down with. Give it back to him. It’s his cross to bear.”
When I didn’t answer, unsure of my ability to do any of that, she continued. “You will heal, Eva. It’s possible. This will always be a part of you like any other scar, but it does not define you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you will heal. And you will heal.”
The determination in her stare sent a chill through me, and I had an eerie glimpse into my future of a strong woman harboring a scared little girl inside, petting her on the head and recognizing the fact that she would carry her around for the rest of her life, but that’s not who she was anymore. And as I watched that vision of a life I prayed I would see, a butterfly—just one stray butterfly—took flight in my belly.
SUNSHINE POURED INTO my room and, for the first time in months, it felt as though it was seeping into me as well. I'd always been affected by the weather, my day piggybacking the forecast, but lately, every sunrise left me in a gloomy fog. I’d been starting to wonder if I'd ever enjoy another kiss of the sun as it said good morning.
But today? Today, it made me feel alive. Warm.
I stretched my arms as high as they would reach and elongated my toes in the opposite direction, breathing a deep breath of air through my lungs. Although my heart was heavy, I was starting to feel stronger. My muscles were becoming more defined, even the one sitting inside my head. The one I always tried to keep numb. It fizzed and sizzled and made itself known a little more with each passing day. As each piece of my physique was called to play, being pushed beyond its limits in an attempt to strengthen, my brain was being fortified as well. I was building a mental rock. One that couldn't be fucked with. And then . . .
Then I was going to slam it down over that fucker’s skull.
Picturing Damon’s face sent a wave of adrenaline pumping through my veins. I leaped from the bed, making my way to the home gym Drew had put together. It served as my early morning workout on the days we didn’t go jogging together. Good thing for free financing or I would be eating a hefty load of ramen noodles.
This was one of the days I dreaded most. The day I would have to sit in class with Blake and pretend that my heart wasn’t pounding out of my chest the whole time. That my head was paying attention to the professor in the front of the room instead of twelve rows back where he sat. He hadn’t made any more advances since the unicorn note, and I hadn’t glanced behind me. Not once.
You have to try.
Shut up, Jace.
Even though he wasn’t here, I knew he had heard me.
I walked into English, steeling myself for the punch to the gut that I got every time I entered this class, but it never came.
For the last couple months, twice a week I would cover my face with my hair and keep my chin tucked to avoid looking to the back of the class where he undoubtedly sat. The fifty minutes I was forced to spend in that confining box was pure torture, feeling the heat of him searing me from behind, the soul-crushing guilt that I was hurting him plaguing me. You’ve never felt difficult until you’ve been put in a room with your soulmate, unable to acknowledge it.
And like every morning, I stopped at the very first desk in the front of the room. But this time I stared down at it. Noticing its confines. Somehow, even in this open room with a bunch of seats and people, it looked so secluded. A mockery of my existence.
Maybe I could blame the sun. Or the little bits of added strength I’d gathered. What came over me at that point, I couldn’t say for sure, but—
I looked up.
Finally.
Blue diamonds stared back at me with a cinch between them. I couldn’t stand how worried he looked. How pained.
I did that.
I was sick of me, too.
You have to try.
Logic moved aside at that moment. All I could concentrate on was how hard it had been without him by my side. How futile my efforts to grow without the biggest piece of life inside. I didn’t think about his new girl. I didn’t think about the pain. I thought about him. Only him. About the hands of comfort that I wanted to feel. The hands of comfort that I wanted to offer.
You have to try.
Grabbing my courage by the balls, I moved past that desk, then past the next, working my way to the back of the room. Blake straightened at my approach, his gulp visible. Without a word, I slipped into the seat beside him.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his leg bobbing to a hurried rhythm beneath the desk, his hand in a tight ball on top of it. With a calm hand, and confidence that I wasn’t exactly sure where it came from, I reached out and covered his fist. His body tensed. I looked over at my hand blanketing his tension, and all I could think about was bringing him some serenity again, easing his anxiety. I stroked my thumb along the outside of his fist, willing him to relax. To feel me. Slowly, the muscles began to lax. I could hear Blake’s breaths as I rubbed back and forth, soothing, reassuring.
We were going to be okay. We had to be.
He relented, opening his hand and turning it upside down. I slid mine along his before interlocking our fingers. I closed my eyes briefly, feeling the tracks of my lifelines matching up with his, knowing this was where I was meant to be, even if it hadn’t been the most direct road getting here. I needed to fix him, eradicate the grief I’d given him. Share mine with him so we could begin to heal. Together.
No words were spoken, we’d never needed them anyway. I knew the professor was speaking, but hell if I heard a word. All I could concentrate on was the feel of Blake’s skin. The warm moisture that was collecting between our palms, the evened-out breathing of our chests. The realization that, without speaking or looking at each other, that one point of contact was enough of a Valium to each of our pained hearts. An agonizing calmness. So close, yet
worlds apart.
At the dismissal of class, we didn’t move. I simply stared at the clasp of our fingers, unable to bear the thought of losing that one small connection. I imagined he was feeling the same. Knowing one of us needed to make a move, I dragged my thumbnail along his palm, before giving his hand a squeeze and beginning to let go, but he tightened his grip which made me look over at him. Finally. He wasn’t looking at me, though. He was still staring down at our hands, grinding down on his teeth, a sort of manic expression on his face.
“What are you doing to me?” His voice was rough with ache.
Those words. All I could feel was the hurt in those words—both to me and to him.
They tunneled me back to the reality I chose to ignore at the start of class. To the fact that there was someone else in his life now and he’d finally moved on from me. To the fact that I had to protect him. From me.
What was I doing to him?
He was right.
If he’d finally found someone else, why would I step in the middle of that instead of allowing him to be happy?
Defeated, and second-guessing everything, I began to pull my hand away, but his grip cinched. I opened my mouth to apologize, to voice my heartache, my selfish need to be near him. But before I could get a word out, Blake was on his feet, and I was watching the hard lines of his back as he walked away from me.
A swift emptiness swooped in, leaving me hollow. After how patient he had always been, I’d never imagined he would really push me away. But everyone’s first instinct was self-preservation, I supposed. How many times could you break a person before they became unfixable? Before they gave up?
With a hole in my heart and an ache in my chest, realizing we were really over and he was gone, I exited the building. To my surprise, my gaze immediately landed on Blake's broad, slumped shoulders. Relief and tension rocked me simultaneously. Though light-years from what we were, the fact that he was there—waiting for me snuck a sliver of hope into my crumbling heart.
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