Idiot.
Examining the direction of the sun, I tilted the box so it could drink in as much life as possible. Then I laid on my belly like a child and put my chin in my hands, staring at it as though I’d be able to witness it grow. I swiped the back of my hand across my nose, my tears a constant stream, in awe of the symbolism that one flower and I shared.
It was as though it had died with me and it was letting me know it was okay to grow now, to move on and take my second chance at life. Except my sun was gone. My light. There’d be no way for me to grow without it. No way to live.
Live me.
I did.
I do.
I will.
My knees scraped along the concrete as I pulled them in, but I was numb to it. I checked to be sure the flower was placed correctly one more time, and then an enormous tear-filled smile split my face. “Thank you,” I spoke in a hushed whisper.
I kissed my pointer finger and pressed it to the box, a new awareness consuming me. It started in my heart and ballooned outward, shooting to my belly and through my limbs, sparking and crackling each cell, sending tingling prickles along my flesh.
It was time to live.
BLAKE
I CAUGHT SIGHT of his eccentric hairdo, coiffed to perfection, bee-boppin’ down the pavement. Without thinking, I barreled toward him. “Why didn’t you tell me about him?”
Jace turned with a start, his hand flying to his chest before taking inventory of his attacker. “Calm down there, tough stuff. Tell you about who?” he clucked.
I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t play the innocent card with me. We both know you’re anything but.”
Collecting himself, Jace crossed his arms and straightened his spine. “Talk or I’m walking. I have an eyebrow appointment, and Ankie waits for no one.”
I was losing my patience with this whole situation. “Jace, for once be serious,” I huffed.
He looked down at his watch, tapping his foot.
“You know what, man?” I raised both palms. “I thought we were in this together. Maybe I was as wrong about you as I was about her.” Jace and I had formed a powerful alliance after Eva’s visit to the hospital, and I didn’t think he would keep something as big as a new guy in her life from me. We had been conspiring, and he had kept me informed of each step of her recovery ever since I found her a doctor.
I turned to walk away, but Jace’s don’t-go-there-honey tone called back to me. “Never doubt me, sugar.”
My morbid curiosity stopped me. I turned to face him. “I’m listening.”
He sauntered toward me. “You’re speaking of Drew, I assume? The insanely good-looking boy who has his hands all over her sweaty body every day?” He raised a brow.
“Watch it, Jace,” I warned. “We’ve already been down this road once, and I promised you I’d never lay a finger on you again, but I don’t like the path you’re taking through Jaceland. Just spit it out already. Don’t toy with me, dude.”
“Fair enough. Just use that beautiful little head of yours to think for a minute.” He hesitated, before pointing upward. “I feel I should clarify. I meant that head, honey. Even though I’m sure the other is just as beautiful.” He licked his lips.
I felt my cheeks get hot. Did I just blush? “Get to it,” I demanded.
Jace’s lip curled in disgust as though he had tasted something bad. “Ugh, I can’t stand you these days. You’re no fun at all.” He waved a dismissing hand. “Besides you—and me, of course, Drew is the best thing that’s ever happened to Eva.”
That comment made my skin crawl.
“If you love her as much as you say you do, you’ll let it be and support it. I didn’t tell you because . . .” He zigzagged a well-manicured finger in the vicinity of my body. “All this jazz.” He rolled his eyes. “I knew you would try and stop it and she needed it—needs it,” he corrected. “As much as I adore you, sugar, she’s my number one concern. Always will be.”
Though I appreciated how faithful a friend he was to her, the stab he delivered almost reached my marrow. I narrowed my eyes. “How could you ever think I don't have her best interests at heart?”
“Because yours is broken.” Jace raised a brow while that festered. “Look, it’s not that I doubt your love for her, but, again.” He zigzagged his finger in the same pattern.
I raked an unsteady hand through my hair. “I’m trying to figure out when I became the bad guy in all this.”
Jace sighed and looped his arm through mine. “You aren’t the bad guy, honey. You’re the knight in shining armor. But you’re too hurt to see past the armor, and she’s still locked in her tower. Wait till she’s ready to throw down her hair. She’ll come to you.”
I wasn’t sure why it didn’t feel odd to be walking arm-in-arm with Jace. “You just don’t get it.” I shook my head with a sarcastic chuckle, pulling us to a stop. “I’ve done everything I can, yet there she is with some other guy—telling him everything.” I swung out a frustrated hand. “And I’m supposed to just wait until she comes to me?” My fingers banged off my chest with a knock.
Jace nodded, a curt little bip as if it was as simple as that, but it wasn’t. None of this was simple, and it was time that I stopped pretending. “I know you want me to understand, and maybe I’m an asshole for not, but I think . . .” I sighed, dropping my head with the exhaustion that I felt. “I think I might be done, Jace.”
Jace’s tone sharpened with his shoulders. “Nonsense. Don’t sling crap at me. You’ll never be done with her.” He tried to pull me forward once again, but my feet were unforgiving as realization set in, my stomach sinking with the letdown of my heart.
“I’m serious.” My eyebrows pinched in, the truth of all this bringing the larger picture into focus. Even though I told her at Bertha that I would do anything, give her the time she still needed, I didn’t think I could handle any more. “This kills too damn bad. The phrase ‘love hurts’ never met Angel. She runs through me, and it feels like acid these days. It’s debilitating.”
Jace smoothed a hand over my bicep, his voice pleading for the girl that he loved. “Don’t give up on her. She’ll come around. I know she will.”
“Come around?” My voice raised, incredulously. “Is that what I’m waiting for?”
“It’s not like that,” Jace huffed, and I could tell he was struggling to find the words to make this right. But he couldn’t. Not anymore.
“Save it, Jace. For once.” Fatigue laid heavy in my words, them giving up with me as I stuffed my hand into my jeans pocket, and drifted to walk away.
“She needs him.” Authority rang in his tone, his perfunctory statement protective of his friend.
My eyes cut to his, my own defenses kicking in. “And I needed her,” I spat, truth swollen in those words. My mouth closed around them quickly, ashamed at the admission, but it was confessed just the same.
I clasped my hands behind my head and pushed out a breath. Love should be more than coming around. It should be something that your soul can’t live without, depriving yourself of it unquestionable. “Honestly, I’m frustrated as hell, and I might just be ready to finally jump off her hot-and-cold merry-go-round. I tried, I really did, but I can’t keep track of it anymore. She wants me one minute and then pushes me away the next, and yet she confides in another man? It’s a slap in the face, and you fucking know it.”
Jace’s curt expression didn’t look pleased, but he didn’t refute.
“This isn’t just about him. It’s about us. What’s it say if she can go to some stranger before me? Not much.”
“Pull your shit together. Drew is helping her, that’s all, and that’s why she had to tell him. She loves you, you know that. She just has to figure out that she loves her, too.”
I considered his words. I knew she had a lot of self-loathing to work through, but I also knew that if she loved me even an ounce as much as I loved her, she would never be able to put me through the wringer like this. “This isn’t love, man. She’s dest
roying me.”
I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked away, not sure of anything anymore.
EVA
Breathe him in on an inhale.
Exhale out the sorrow.
Breathe in change—
Liberation
Air
Healing
Blake
Exhale out me—
Seclusion
Suffocation
Pain
Damon
I NEED TO find him.
Tell him.
Reassure him.
Make him realize . . .
Make him realize.
I needed to get him back. Help him understand that this was all done for us. Every move I had made since the moment I walked away from him was done with good intentions.
There's a sense of freedom when you figure out the path you're supposed to take in life and decide to act it out. A freeing of your own inner chains that you hadn’t realized were even there or noticed how they were constricting your air supply. When you cut them, it's like everything releases at once, and the air rushes in.
That’s how I felt.
Moving with purpose, I navigated the heavily populated city blocks, anxious to reach my destination, determined to let nothing and nobody stand in my way. I’d only been to Blake’s photography school once before when I’d bought and paid for his classes as his Christmas gift. Hard to believe the different paths our lives had taken us on in that short amount of time. At this moment, I was grateful to be a pack rat that never deleted the email confirmation for the time of his class. If I hurried, I’d make it in time for his dismissal.
The building was in sight, but I was nervous I’d missed him. Moving through Manhattan was never an easy task, and he'd been done with class at least five minutes already.
I wiped the sweat from my brow with the back of my wrist and marched toward the door. I was about to put my foot on the first step when a low, familiar laugh trickled into my ears. It was a sound I’d never forget. The fact that it was mingled with another higher pitched giggle made my belly clench. I sucked in a breath before turning to face him—and the object of his amusement.
Blake was bent on one knee, his camera propped between his hands, looking through the lens—at her. A soft breeze blew an unruly piece of hair across his forehead, drawing my attention there and then lower to the smile on his face. The one he was directing at her. Her leg was wrapped around the trunk of a tree, and she was dipped back, playfully, the tips of her blonde hair nearly touching the ground. She looked fun and carefree. Burdenless. It reminded me of the type of girl Blake ought to be with. The kind of relationship he was meant to have.
The overwhelming need to run bubbled up my neck. Paralyzed, I almost succumbed and turned on my heel, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself. This time, rather than be intimidated by the fact that Blake deserved something much better than me, I wanted to be the girl he deserved. Give him the type of relationship I couldn’t before. I had come here to do something, and if it killed me, I was still going to do it. If he pushed me away, at least I’d know I tried.
Giggles must have caught sight of the weird girl eye-balling them because her smile faded and she lowered her leg. When I still didn’t move, she nodded in my direction. Blake, never one to miss a moment, snapped one more photo before lowering the camera.
When Blake’s eyes met mine, the carefree smile melted from his face, replacing it with a hard-set jaw. His eyes, which had been dancing with enjoyment, now seemed to ice over as he pushed off his knee. She met him at his side, and again I felt the ache of seeing them so comfortable next to one another.
Seeing he wasn’t budging, I took a few steps forward. “Sorry to interrupt. I came to talk to you, but I didn’t realize you might be . . . preoccupied.” My eyes flickered to the girl at his side.
She straightened her spine. “I’ll leave you two—”
“No, it’s fine,” Blake cut her off. The ice in his tone froze me to the bone. “Marybeth, this is Eva. Eva, this is Marybeth. She’s just a friend.”
Pot meet kettle.
He was proving his point, but I’d never thought he’d hurt me to do it. I deserved it, though, I supposed, knowing he had probably felt the same way seeing me with Drew as I do now. Or worse.
“Nice to meet you.” I nodded in her direction.
“Likewise.” She fidgeted with her fingers and rubbed her palms together as though she were trying to disperse the sweat that lined them. “So, um, I’m gonna get going.”
Blake turned to her. “You sure?”
“Yeah, I’ve got this killer migraine.” She pushed the tips of her dainty fingers into her temples. Dropping her hands, she waved one in a semi-circle in my direction. “Nice to finally meet you, Eva.”
“Same to you.” Our eyes met briefly, but I dragged my gaze away, tucking my hair behind my ear. It hurt too bad to look at the girl who’d been keeping him company all these weeks we’d been apart.
When I looked up again, Blake was studying me, and the ice I had seen moments before seemed to be thawed by a fire. One that was burning a hole through me. I could see everything he wanted to say whipping through his head, and I was scared of what would fly out first. He clenched and unclenched his fists, his legs parted and rigid. I’d never seen him so uninviting.
“What do you want?”
Talk about to the point.
“I wanted to apologize for how I reacted when you met Drew. I would’ve told you about him sooner, but I didn’t have the chance. We’re so weird these days.” I pulled my hair over my shoulder and picked at the ends. I was waiting for him to relax a bit, but he never let up. “She’s pretty.”
He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Is that all you want?”
“Don't act this way, Blake. I said I was sorry.” I stepped forward. “I miss you,” I whispered, lowering my gaze.
“What? I didn't hear you.”
I looked up, sure that he’d heard me the first time. “I said I miss you.”
“So today you miss me? I’m sorry, but I’m not in the mood to play the hot-cold game with you.”
His brash tone took me back, but I couldn’t let that stop me. I understood the pain I’d caused him, and his reaction was only fair, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Didn’t he know how hard all this was for me? No, he didn't. How wrong of me to shut him out, no matter what the reason. All this time, he had just wanted to be a team.
The light inside his eyes was gone now, the spark that made him Blake. That was such a special spark, and I prayed he could get it back. Though the way he looked at me now almost seemed to border hatred, and I wasn’t sure he’d ever allow me the chance to make it right.
Forget not . . . Me. Blake’s last forget-me-not. I could never.
When we had finally gotten together, my heart had felt whole for the first time, as though it’d found its other half. Now, as I looked into barren eyes, I felt it crack in two. How had I allowed us to drift so far apart?
I took another step forward, ignoring the ice in his eyes, determined to make him feel something. “Your flowers started to grow. The dirt pot . . . you were right.”
He flexed his jaw, looking as though he wanted to soften up, but wouldn’t allow himself to. I was all too familiar with that feeling. It was called being guarded, and up until this point, it was how I’d had always lived my life. I guess Blake had gates now, too.
I broke him.
When he didn’t reply, I kept going. “I miss you.”
“What do you want, Eva?”
“Eva, huh?” I couldn’t mask the hurt in my voice.
Blake sighed, and his head dropped forward as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Angel, please.”
I could tell how hard it was for him to keep up this tough-guy act. It wasn’t him. I wanted him to know it was okay to drop his guard. That I wouldn’t hurt him anymore. I took another step forward, leaving only a bit of space between us and decided to just let my heart
speak for once.
“I miss you so much my skin aches.”
He looked up.
“When I imagine a life without you, it feels like I’m suffocating. These past few months have felt like I’ve been walking around with missing pieces. Nothing makes sense.” My voice cracked, displaying my vulnerability. I wasn't sure how to verbalize all of the thoughts running through my mind, and I was certain, from the fact that he still hadn’t softened up, that it was coming out all wrong. I didn’t know how to make him see.
“I know I hurt you.”
Blake’s posture and features were so rigid and uninviting, but the lines of exhaustion were evident on his face. “I’m still not hearing what you want, and I’m done trying to interpret your riddles. You can’t keep coming around saying you miss me and then running away the first chance you get only to come back around again. Save your charms for someone else.”
I recoiled from the harsh lashing. I knew he was testing the devotion in what I was saying—trying to gauge if this was just another swing of the Eva pendulum. But it wasn’t. I was at a standstill. Time had stopped, and the only direction it pointed in was Blake.
“Blake . . .”
The tension in his shoulders melted a little, giving away that this, too, was a facade. I was so sick of the games. All I wanted was some real. If he was softening, even a little, I knew I had a limited amount of time to sneak myself inside. His pain was torturing me. I could feel it barreling around inside of me. It was venomous and foul. He’d been carting it around for months. No wonder he looked so distraught.
Tears welled in my eyes, knowing I’d been the cause of so much misery. “I love you.” My voice splintered with emotion. “I love you so much, Blake.” I rushed the rest out, not sure if he’d give me the chance to finish, but needing for him to know. “I didn’t say it when you asked because I wasn’t sure it was what you needed to hear, but I do. I always have and I always will.”
“Angel, don’t.” The plea in his eyes sliced through my center, the hurt in his voice, unmasked. He finally took a step forward. “Don’t do this to me again. Please. If you ever loved me, just let me be. Every time you come around with your false fucking hopes, you smash something else inside of me. Are you going to keep swinging until there’s nothing left?”
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