“What do you think of the kitchen?” Gil asked her, shutting the door and watching her expression. Her gray eyes were shining with life in them, and his lower body automatically tightened with need. If nothing else since the crash, it had brought home to Gil that he loved Kai more than his life. As he watched her walk into the large, bright kitchen, some of his happiness was shaded with a keen desire to kill Chuck Harper.
He wished he could have seen Harper’s face when he woke up and found that knife with the note positioned between his legs. Gil hoped it would put the fear of death into the bastard, to let him know he could not bother anyone on the Triple H or the Bar H ever again. Satisfaction flowed deeply through Gil. He figured Harper was a smart enough bastard to get the message in spades. How badly he’d wanted to slice open Harper’s throat and end it all right there. But Gil didn’t. Not because he didn’t want to. He did. But if Harper was found dead, there would be an investigation. Gil understood he would become the number-one suspect in the case.
He loved Kai and wanted a life with her, not a criminal investigation against him. He wanted what was left of his life with Kai. And Harper was a smart enough drug runner to know that he would be good for his word if he in any way ever approached Kai again. And Gil would make sure no one could ever pin the murder on him. He was too good in black ops to ever be discovered. But he would be a suspect and it would be stressful on Kai, so he wasn’t going there unless Harper was stupid and approached her again. Then? All bets were off. He’d deal with an investigation, but no one would ever know that Harper had been taken down by him.
“Wow,” Kai said, turning around in the kitchen, grinning, “I just love the earth tones in the granite counters.” She gestured toward the huge window above the two steel sinks, feminine white curtains around them. “I love the light, Gil.” She walked over to the Wolf gas stove, beaming. “And this is perfect! I love to cook and this is just the best stove to use. You have good taste.” She gave him a teasing look.
He smiled and wandered into the kitchen, where he leaned against the large rectangular island. There were four wooden stools with thick brown leather padding on each of them around one side of it. “The fridge is full, too. We can have our first dinner here tonight. Or, I can take you out to eat if you’d like?” Because for the past two days Kai had truly been taking it easy. Miss Gus had come over and been like a virtual grandmother hen, fussing over Kai, cooking up her world-famous chicken soup in a huge pot and remaining in the guest bedroom those two days. Gil had been grateful to the elder, who gave Kai a combination of tough love and mothering.
He couldn’t hold Kai or be affectionate with her at the ranch, although everyone knew that they would live together at his condo. Miss Gus had come in like a pinch hitter and made the difference. Kai had responded quickly to Miss Gus’s care of her.
Today, the third day after the crash, Kai looked almost normal to most people except for the bruise around the healing cut on her brow.
“No, I’d love to cook for us tonight.” Kai gave him a pleading look, running her fingers across the stainless-steel stove, appreciation in her expression.
“Sure,” he said, opening up the fridge, showing her how huge it was, well stocked and with a lot of food choices for her. He’d come over here earlier to make sure the movers put everything in the places he’d chosen. The look of happiness in Kai’s face made his efforts all worthwhile. Gil could see the heat in her eyes when she looked at him. That yearning he could feel from his heart straight down to his lower body. She wanted him just as much as he wanted her.
Nosing around inside the fridge, Kai pulled out two elk steaks and placed them where they would be easy to reach later. “Elk steaks, potatoes au gratin, a nice salad and toasted garlic bread. What do you think?” Kai twisted a look as he stood holding the door open for her.
“Sounds good,” he rumbled. And then he added with a grin, “As long as I can have you for dessert?”
Laughing softly, Kai stepped aside and allowed him to shut the fridge. “Oh, believe me, you’re my dessert once we go to bed.”
“Yes, you are,” Gil murmured, lifting his hand and gently caressing her hair, watching the sunlight lance through the kitchen window, touching the strands, making them gleam gold, burgundy and red beneath the slats. “Come on, let’s see the rest of our condo.”
It felt so good to say our. He drowned in the softness coming to her gray eyes. He’d nearly lost Kai. That shook Gil as nothing else ever would. In time, the deep cut on her brow would heal. A small scar would always remain to remind him how close he’d come to losing her. Inwardly, Gil swore he would never take one day with her for granted. Not ever.
*
KAI NEVER WANTED anything more than what she had right now—she was naked in bed with Gil. The huge king-size bed made it easy to snuggle into his waiting arms, and when she did, he eased her onto her back. The bedroom door was open, enough illumination spilling in from the hallway night-light. She gazed upward, seeing the love shining in his eyes. Sliding her hand across his muscled upper arm and then his shoulder, she whispered, “I think it’s time I told you something.”
“What?” he growled, leaning down, kissing her brow. He inhaled her scent, the jasmine soap she loved to use in the shower they’d shared just now. His body vibrated with need to be within her. If she wasn’t getting over a concussion, Gil would have hoisted her into his arms, wrapped her long legs around his waist, gently placed her back against the warm, wet wall of the shower and taken her there.
Trailing her fingers down the hard line of his jaw, his stubble sending prickles up them, Kai gave him a tender look. “That I love you, Gil.”
The words hung sweetly between them.
Kai saw his blue eyes narrow, saw the words turn his hard face soft. She saw the way his mouth flexed. “I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a while, but I kept holding back because it was too soon. I didn’t want to rush anything between us, Gil. I was trusting you like I had before, and I was afraid.” Kai looked away for a moment and then returned her gaze to him. “But the crash… God… I would have died if you hadn’t rescued me. And then, you protected me against that hit man. I know I don’t remember any of it, but it doesn’t diminish how scared I felt after I woke up. The more you told me about what had happened, the more alarmed, the more scared I got.”
“Scared of what, Dove?” he asked, his voice low with emotion.
“Scared of never telling you that I loved you. That it was stupid to wait because none of us know how long we have on this earth. You could be gone in a split second and I began to realize you needed to know now.” Kai gave him a tremulous smile, absorbing the light and shadow across his hard face. To someone else, she knew Gil looked threatening. He had a rugged face hewn out of hard times and harsh weather conditions, and military training backing it all up. Cupping his jaw, she whispered brokenly, “I love you, Gil. I never want to be anywhere else but here, in your arms, a part of your life for as long as you’ll have me…”
Gil shoved back tears burning in the backs of his eyes. He leaned down, kissing Kai gently, her mouth eager and warm beneath his. His emotions threatened to cascade through him as he eased away. “Listen to me,” he said roughly, skimming her flushed cheek, “You need to know that the first time I saw you with Sam, I was powerfully drawn to you, Kai. It shook me to my soul.” He saw her eyes widen with shock. “Hear me out,” Gil pleaded. “I felt as if someone slammed me in the head and I was left spinning when Sam introduced me to you. I can’t explain it to this day, Kai. As time went on, the more I saw of you, listened to you, the more I found myself starved to know everything about you. And yes, I knew Sam and you loved one another. I did not want to intrude upon that in any way, Kai. I love Sam like a brother to this day and I was his best friend. I wasn’t about to let you know how I personally felt toward you.”
Kai gasped softly and sat up, the covers pooling around her waist as she stared down at him. “You…loved me even then, Gil?” she ch
oked out, her fingers going to her throat.
He winced, hearing the emotional break in her voice, seeing the stunned realization in her gray eyes. He shrugged and shook his head. “Yes, I did. I tried to explain it to myself. Told myself at first it was lust, not love. That I was lonely and maybe jealous of Sam on some level, although I honestly never felt that way about him or you. And as time went on, it was a secret pleasure to see you again, just to be around you. I couldn’t get you out of my heart, Kai, no matter how hard I tried. After a few years, I just accepted that you were the woman that I wanted to spend my life with and I never would.” His mouth quirked. “When Sam was killed, I had to contend with the grief of his loss, as well as the guilt of secretly wishing you were mine.” He slanted a look up at her, realizing she’d gone pale once more. Gil sat up, arranging the covers around his hips, sliding his hand into hers. “None of this was your fault, Kai. It was all on me. Sam never knew how I felt about you. It was my secret and I was more than willing to go to the grave with it.”
Kai stared up at him, absorbing the sadness and guilt in his eyes. “Were…were you ever going to tell me after Sam died that you loved me?” She saw a tortured look come to Gil’s expression, felt his fingers tightening some around hers.
“Yes, I was planning on it. But I needed to give you time to grieve for the loss of Sam. I figured in three or four years, whenever you were coming out of his loss, that I’d try approaching you, Kai. It wasn’t like I was going to tell you any of this. I didn’t ever want to let you know what really happened…
“But…a year later I needed you. I needed just to be near you after Rob got killed. I came to your barracks with the idea of just asking you to sit in the lounge and let me talk. Cry, maybe. I always knew you had a tender heart. I saw how you had drawn Sam out of that damned hard shell he lived within. I saw him bloom beneath your love. I wanted… I needed you, Kai. I loved you even though you didn’t know about it. I was hurting so much you were the only person I wanted to turn to for comfort.”
“God,” Kai whispered brokenly, pressing her fingers against her eyes for a moment. “I didn’t know… I didn’t realize this, Gil…” Lifting her head, Kai saw the apology, the regret in his blue gaze. Tears leaked out of her eyes.
Tenderly, Gil took his thumbs and removed them, holding her wavering gaze filled with regret. “No, you didn’t know. I wasn’t going to tell you, Dove. All I wanted…at least I thought I wanted, was to sit down, talk to you and hope like hell you could give me some peace from how I was feeling. I was so torn up…”
She rested her cheek against his rough, opened palm, closing her eyes. “And I kissed you…”
“Yes,” he rasped heavily, watching as her moist eyes opened. “It changed everything for me in that second. And I kissed you back. I gave you the most desperate, longing kiss I had inside me. I was carrying so many secrets, so much grief, in shock and not in control like I wished I’d have been.”
She took his palm between her own, kissing the back of his hand. “You’re human, Gil.” And then Kai added softly, “And I found out how human I was when I kissed you.”
Gil studied her in the silence between them. “Why did you kiss me, Kai? Was it because you were just trying to ease my pain? Because you felt sorry for me? Why?” Because that was the one question he’d asked himself a million times and had no answer. And it was the one that had gnawed like a wild animal at his heart until this very day. Gil tried to brace and prepare himself internally for her answer.
Kai licked her lower lip, looked away, took a deep breath and turned, meeting his gaze. “No…none of those reasons. I guess we all carry secrets. I—” She choked out, “I had always been drawn to you since the first time I met you two.”
Stunned, Gil’s lips parted for a moment over her admission. He saw guilt in Kai’s expression. “Then? We were both drawn to one another? But we didn’t let the other know about it?”
“Right,” she said, and sighed, giving him a look of apology. “I loved Sam. I loved him the best I knew how, but he never let me in, Gil. When I met you, I felt my heart open in a way it never had with anyone else, not even Sam. At first, I couldn’t understand it, but in the three years I lived with Sam, always fighting a silent battle with him to let me in, he never did. I wanted him to give me intimacy, to share the love I knew he had locked inside himself with me. When you visited, you let your game face drop away. I saw the real you, how open you were and unafraid to show your emotions to me, unlike Sam. I began to realize over time just how emotionally wounded Sam was. You can’t know how many times I cried myself asleep when he was out on a mission, blaming myself, that there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t get him to open up and emotionally trust me like I trusted him.”
“Jesus,” Gil muttered, leaning against the headboard, retaining his hand around hers. “Sam was happier than I’d ever seen him, Kai, after he met and married you. He suddenly started living life more fully and I knew it was because of your love, your influence on him.”
“Yes,” she said sadly, “but it never translated any deeper than that, Gil. Sam couldn’t open up like you do. He was afraid of being vulnerable. I know it came from his childhood. I knew that. But I couldn’t get him to trust me enough and that hurt me more than anything. It didn’t lessen the love I held for him. But I was giving, and he was taking. Those three years I felt like a plant that was slowly being starved to death, not receiving the water or emotions I needed from Sam.” She pulled her hand from his, pressing them to her eyes for a moment. Allowing them to drop into her lap, she said hoarsely, “Two weeks before Sam was killed, I had made up my mind to ask him for a divorce when he got off that mission.”
Gil blinked, the words slamming into him. His brows fell. He saw the devastation and guilt in Kai’s face. “Did he know?”
“No, thank God. I was trying to time it such that he would be rotated stateside for six months. I was planning on telling him then. There was no way I would tell him while he was over in Afghanistan and cause him to get killed. I would never do that.”
For a moment, all Gil could do was feel the twist and shock of emotions filtering through him. “What a mess,” he muttered, shaking his head.
“Isn’t it?” Kai said unsteadily, wiping tears from her eyes. “From the moment you and I met, we were falling in love with one another whether we knew it or not. Whether we acknowledged it consciously or not. I always felt, when you came for a visit, you breathed new life into me, Gil. You were the diametric opposite of Sam in so many ways. You could laugh, tease, had a sense of humor, and Sam couldn’t do any of those things. At least, not with me. I felt I was living half a life with him. I was emotionally dying around him, and no matter what I did, he couldn’t take that step and open up and share himself with me. That’s what I so desperately needed with him,” she said, her voice strained and scratchy.
“Come here,” Gil urged, pulling Kai into his arms, tucking her alongside him, her head resting on his shoulder so that he could look into her glistening eyes, the tears silently falling down her cheeks. Smoothing her velvet cheek with his thumb, he rasped, “You loved him the best you could, Kai. Sam was so damned wounded by his childhood he just couldn’t span that trust to you. It wasn’t your fault. I saw how you tried. But know this—” he looked deeply into her dark gray eyes torn with grief “—you made Sam happy. You gave him the best three years of his sorry-assed life. And you did make a difference, Dove. Sam was as happy as I’d ever seen him. So don’t gig yourself on what happened. That’s what you need to embrace. You gave him something no other human being had ever given him—real love. And that was the greatest gift one person could ever give another. And just another reason why I love you so damned much…”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“WE’VE GOT A surprise for you, Kai,” Gus said, pointing at the birthday cake she’d made for her at the Triple H. “Come and sit.”
Kai smiled and leaned down, gently embracing Miss Gus. “You didn’t have t
o do this for me. Thank you.”
Everyone else in the household came and sat at the table. Outside, fat, thick snowflakes were lazily twirling out of the gunmetal-gray sky that covered the area. It was only October and already winter was setting in for good. It was Saturday and Kai had known the Holts were going to throw her a birthday party. She suspected strongly that Gil had something to do with it, but he didn’t own up to it, just grinned proudly at her, instead. Miss Gus was an unofficial grandmother to all of them as they sat down at the trestle table.
The cake was three layers of chocolate, white frosting with pink roses and green leaves decorated across it. Today, she was thirty years old.
The laughter and chatting was high in the warmth of the kitchen. Gil sat at one end of the table, Kai at his elbow. Cass pulled out the chair at the other end for Miss Gus to sit in.
As Kai gazed around the table of happy faces, she had never felt more at peace and joyful than right now. The months living with Gil had helped to heal both their wounds in so many ways. Thanks to him, Kai had finally released the guilt she’d carried over Sam’s death. They’d had so many long, deep talks about that time in their lives, the decisions they’d made, the secrets they’d kept from one another, and why they had.
As Kai glanced over at Gil, who looked incredibly handsome in a dark red cowboy shirt, a blue neckerchief around his thick neck, the look of love in his eyes for her alone, she smiled shyly over at him. He smiled back and she saw the tenderness burning in his eyes. The months after the crash were remarkable and memorable. Beautiful. Dreams coming true. The fierce love she held for Gil took her breath away. Her body still glowed from this morning’s lovemaking with him.
He had left midmorning, saying he had things to do out at the Triple H. Little did she know he was helping the Holt family set things up for her birthday party. Kai never knew she could love one person so deeply and widely as she did Gil. Her heart blossomed fiercely for him. She had never felt this kind of love for Sam, now understanding, with Gil’s insights and help, that there were many kinds of love, not just one type. And that all of them were sincere and genuine.
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