She wanted.
That was all she could process and all she could manage to say through the choking desire. “Please, Lisa. I need…”
Lisa lifted her head. The intensity reflected in her eyes caused Marty to shudder.
“What do you need?”
“You.”
The word was all she had, and all the moment required. Everything about the writhing, exploding crush of emotions so neatly summed up in three letters. Lisa hovered above her, disbelief and awe swirling through her hazel gaze, before taking a deep breath and nodding.
“Yes.” Another beautiful three letters strung together to encompass so much.
Then lowering her head once more, Lisa slid down the length of her body. With the most beautiful combination of lips, tongue, fingers, and heart, she played their shared need like an instrument or an entire orchestra.
Marty clutched her shoulder, her back, the dark silky fan of hair cascading over her legs and stomach, urging her onward, until in her release she cried out, one more summative word, one name, the only one left for her in that moment. “Lisa.”
*
Her own name echoed through her ears as she lay gasping for breath, but even as her exertion faded, her body refused to settle. The echo of Marty’s voice haunted her. The pleading, the need, so raw, asking for more even as it was fulfilled. And the way Marty had looked up at her like she could see straight through to her heart—or her soul, she didn’t know. She wasn’t prepared for any of the emotions ripping through her. She’d almost broken down, collapsed under the weight of being…wanted? Desired? Needed? She’d never been looked at like she meant so very much to someone. Only her sheer force of will kept her from crumbling under the weight of responsibility.
She’d clung to the physical, the tactile, the tangible. It was what she knew and what she was willing to give. And she did give everything she could. She’d ached to feel Marty’s stunning body bend, tighten, and crash beneath her, but that name—her own name, the one she’d heard millions of times—had never sounded so raw to her own ears. She’d never felt so unqualified to answer it.
Marty curled against her side, warm and gorgeous, resting her head on her shoulder, one arm draped lightly across her chest. Lisa stared at her fingers, so slender with elegantly curved nails, accented against her own flushed skin. Whatever made her think she could be the answer to anything for this woman?
“Hey,” Marty finally whispered in a way that made it clear she was smiling even though Lisa couldn’t see her face.
“Hey.” She sounded restrained, forced through false casualness.
“Well, that just happened.”
“It did,” Lisa admitted with as much coolness as she could muster.
“Quite unexpectedly.”
“I’ll say.”
“But not regrettably,” Marty said, letting the doubt creep back in. “Right?”
“No.” Lisa kissed the top of her head. “Not for me.”
“Me either.”
Lisa wondered if she meant that. She didn’t seem like the kind to lie or even put on a show for pity’s sake, but she was a life coach. She had a certain skill set and ethical sensibility that prevented her from telling someone sex with them was awful.
But it wasn’t awful. She’d been present enough to plainly see Marty didn’t share any of her doubts. She’d never waivered in her certainty of what she’d wanted. Lisa just wasn’t sure how that could be her.
“What are you thinking?”
The question grated on her already-raw nerves. How the hell was she supposed to answer? Who had amazing, unexpected sex with a woman way out of her league and then said, “Do you think maybe that was a bad decision?”
Instead she looked out the front windows, trying to find something else to think about quickly so she could say that instead of what she had been thinking about before. The sun hung low in the sky, casting an orange glow on the houses and snow-covered ground. It reminded her of the firelight across Marty’s bare skin. “You’re so beautiful.”
The words came out before she’d really meant to say them, but at least she’d shared an honest thought.
Marty placed a little kiss on her chest. “So are you, among other things.”
Lisa shook her head. She couldn’t believe her. Marty was leaving tomorrow. This thing, however awesome it was, couldn’t work its way into her heart. It had already worked its way too far into her body, because parts of her were still on high alert, and the tips of Marty’s fingernails were inching ever lower down her torso.
“Think we worked up enough of an appetite to put the Anchor Bar out of business?”
“What?”
“It’s almost dinnertime, and it wouldn’t be a trip to Buffalo without getting some wings, right?”
Marty lifted her head and looked at Lisa as if trying to gauge if she was joking or not. Lisa struggled to keep her expression pleasantly neutral as Marty narrowed her eyes and furrowed her brow. “Wings?”
“It’s kind of a thing around here.”
Marty stared at her, the silence stretching into the awkward range.
“Buffalo wings, but you know, except here we just call them wings.” Lisa tried to laugh, but the joke fell flat even to her own ears.
“What’s wrong?” Marty asked softly.
“Nothing, I just thought you’d like to go out to eat at a local historic spot. Dinner and landmark all in one.”
Lisa’s chest grew tighter as seconds ticked away. Suddenly the weight of Marty against her was almost as unbearable as the weight of her disappointment. She scooted away, gently extracting her arm from underneath Marty, and reached for her pants. Trying to keep the tone light and casual, she went for the easy quip again. “Most of the time a woman wants to be taken out for dinner first, but just because we did things the other way around doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get a meal out of the deal.”
Marty’s sharp intake of breath made Lisa wince. She turned to try to do damage control, but Marty was already covering up, both physically and emotionally. The ache in her chest grew to a sharp point. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound crass.”
“I know,” Marty said, pulling her sweater back on.
“Really. I was just trying to make you laugh.”
“No, you were trying to make you laugh.”
She didn’t know what to say. It was true, of course, but a little one-sided. Still, it didn’t seem like a good time to split hairs. “I’m sorry.”
“I believe you. I just don’t understand you.”
“Yeah, well, join the club.”
“Really?” Marty asked, the hurt evident in her voice. “That’s all I get?”
“Look, I said I’m sorry. I made a stupid comment. I make a lot of them. Ask Elaine. Crass remarks are kind of my thing.”
“Is it easier for you to tell yourself that?” Marty asked softly.
“What?”
“Does it make you feel better to just write yourself off as someone who says stupid things? Is it easier to cope with than the emotions of what happened between us?”
The heat rose in her cheeks again, and this time not in an enjoyable way. She should’ve seen this coming. The life coaching shoe dropped and kicked her right in the stomach. She deserved it. She sacrificed herself on the table of overanalysis, and shocker, she’d been found lacking. It was to be expected, but it wasn’t something she needed professional help for.
“Lisa…” Marty said softly, laying a hand on her shoulder.
She jerked away. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
She whirled, her insecurity snapping like a caged animal. “Don’t coach me.”
Marty’s eyes widened. “Coach you? Is that really what you think is happening here?”
“It’s what you do, isn’t it? You see the flash of insecurity, the little hint of weakness, the crack in the dam, and you have to pry it open. Isn’t that what a life coach really does when you get down to it?”
“N
o. But more importantly, I’ve never coached you. What we just did”—she looked down at the blanket on the floor between them, then closed her eyes like she didn’t want to see anymore—“what happened between us was the least coaching thing I’ve ever done.”
“But you said…you said all that stuff about me coping with my emotions, and you said I was…beautiful.” The word almost strangled her.
“You are beautiful. And you made me feel beautiful too, for a while. Then you pulled away. One minute you made me feel so safe and open and wonderful, like we meant something, then suddenly you’re talking to me like you just want a beer buddy to go get wings with.”
“That’s not how it is.” Lisa tried to stay strong, but the edge in her voice had gone soft.
“But that’s how you made me feel.”
Every bit of stone and glass she’d tried to hastily throw up around her fell to shambles at her feet. She pulled Marty close once again, holding her tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry.”
“Well,” Marty said shakily, “I’m not going to lie and say I don’t feel a little glad for your remorse, but I’d rather have your reasoning. Why the back and forth? It’s been going on all day. One minute you’re reeling me in with all your charm, and the next you’re pushing me away.”
“You really think I’m charming?”
“You’re doing it again. You’re playing this part, this game, and it’s fun, but there’s more to you. I know it now. Why are you hiding?”
Lisa sighed and loosened her hold on Marty but still kept her arm draped around her shoulder. Even in her turmoil, it was better to have her close. “I like you. And the closer you get, the more I realize I could even fall in love with you.”
The rise and fall of Marty’s chest grew quick and shallow, but she didn’t speak. Lisa both admired and hated her restraint.
“I’m just not very good at emotions. I work with computers. I like black and white. If I mess up, I control-z to back out of it, and no one gets hurt or disappointed. People aren’t like that.”
Marty shook her head. “No, they’re not.”
“I disappoint people.”
“Your parents?”
“Yeah,” Lisa said, a muscle in her jaw twitching. She should leave it there. She always had, but for the first time she didn’t want to, not really. Something about Marty’s heart beating so close to her own made her weaker, or maybe stronger. “I couldn’t save Joey’s mom.”
“What?” Marty leaned back to search her eyes.
“I didn’t save Joey’s mom. She practically raised me. The Langs taught me what love really means, and I let her die of a curable disease. I was too late.”
“Too late for what?”
“I sold the code too late.”
“The code you wrote for the banks? The program you told me about?”
“Yeah. I sold it to help pay for the hospital bills, the treatments, but it was too little, too late.” Her voice caught at the memory. “If I’d done it sooner, if I’d been better, if I’d been more like my parents.”
“Lisa,” Marty kissed her jaw, her cheek, the corner of her mouth. “You did a good thing. You made a tremendous sacrifice. You took on an unbearable burden, and you’ve paid the price for years.”
“For what?” Lisa said, not even recognizing her voice through the anguish. “It didn’t work. In the big moment, I couldn’t do enough. I’m not the person people depend on. I can’t be.”
“That’s not true. Look at what you’ve done for Joey and Elaine.”
“What have I done for Joey and Elaine?” she asked before silently adding, They’re both leaving.
“You got them together.”
“Oh, come on.” She laughed. “I almost got Joey branded a manipulative liar for the whole life-coaching appointment, and I could’ve gotten Elaine in trouble with her job too. It’s only because they’re both such upstanding, awesome romantic heroes that we can laugh about it now.”
“But you all do laugh about it now. Quite openly. And they love you.”
“They love me because I’m funny. Don’t you see? Funny is what I’m good at, the casual sidestep, the quick joke. I never let them see me sweat, but you”—she shuddered—“you saw me. When you looked up at me with those big brown eyes, you saw so much in me. I saw it in you too.”
“And?”
“It terrified me. I’m not the person you can pin hopes and desires on. I’m not a leading lady. I’m the comic relief. If you look to me for grand gestures, I’m only going to let you down, and damn it, I like you too much for that. I don’t want to be a fuckup in your eyes.”
“You’re not. Lisa, how can I convince you you’re not?” Marty pleaded. “I see everything in you that you saw in me.”
She hung her head, taking a deep breath of Marty’s scent, so warm, close and sweet. “Even if you don’t see it now, you will eventually, and then I won’t be able to live with myself. There’s no one in my life I haven’t come up short for, no one I haven’t lost.”
*
Marty didn’t know what to say. She’d coached plenty of clients with dismal self-esteem, and she’d been able to guide them toward an understanding of their worth, but this was different on so many levels. She didn’t have time, she didn’t have Lisa’s faith in the process or even a willingness to try. More importantly, though, she had no neutrality, no professional distance, no distance of any kind. Nor did she want any.
She wanted to be close to her to feel her skin against her once more, to touch her physically and emotionally the way she’d touched her.
She hooked a finger under Lisa’s chin and lifted it gently, but she couldn’t make her lift her eyes. “Please,” she pleaded, “look at me.”
When Lisa did, her hazel eyes reminded her of a wounded animal, timid almost to the point of being frantic. Her heart ached to see this strong, charismatic woman reduced to a shell of self-doubt. This wasn’t her. This wasn’t the real Lisa any more than the comic façade she’d cultivated to protect herself.
“I wish you could see what I see in you,” Marty whispered.
“I can’t.”
“Let me show you.”
Lisa tried to shake her head, but Marty caught her face in her hands. “Please. I haven’t asked you for anything. No promises, no commitment, nothing you haven’t wanted to give, but I’m begging now. Let me show you what I see. Let me make you feel what I feel.”
She didn’t wait for an answer. She captured Lisa’s mouth with her own. It was all she knew to do, the only thing that felt right, but she was still surprised when Lisa responded. She opened up to her, inviting her tongue in, welcoming her exploration like a woman who’d spent entirely too long waiting to be found. Dropping the blanket between them, she clutched at Marty’s back, pulling her close.
Between Lisa’s jeans and her own sweater, they had only one outfit between them, but it was quickly shed.
“You’re beautiful,” she said.
Lisa shook her head almost imperceptibly as she whispered, “You.”
Lisa clung to her back, pulling her close and closing her eyes as if waiting to be kissed again. She was breathtaking, but Marty wanted more. She didn’t want to just take what was being offered, she wanted to return something, to feel it move freely, fluidly between them. She might not have anything else, anything past tonight, but that only made the importance of what she had to accomplish more acute.
Settling her body between Lisa’s legs, she let the weight of herself register against her, anchoring them both to the physical before pressing into the emotional. She ran her hand along the soft skin of Lisa’s chest and across the smooth surface of her abs, then drew a wide circle back up to cup her cheek. Kissing her once more, deep and fast, she pulled back only enough to see her fully, then, trailing her fingers south once more, she let her caress go lower, down to Lisa’s inner thigh before starting to inch up again, this time slowly.
“Lisa,” she said, “open your eyes.”
Heavy lids
fluttered and closed again.
“Don’t pull away now. I want you to watch me. I want you to see.”
Small hazel slivers grew slowly into a hazy gaze, like a cat awaking to survey her surroundings. The eyes that had held so much mischief earlier now conveyed vulnerability, and a shocking amount of need.
Marty nearly lost her concentration at the sight of her spread out, with her dark hair fanned across their makeshift bed, the firelight casting a warm glow against the white of her skin.
“Do you see it yet?” Marty asked. “Do you see what I see?”
She didn’t wait for an answer as she brushed her fingers over Lisa’s center. “Watch me. Feel me.”
A groan escaped Lisa’s lips as the pressure between their bodies grew.
“You’re amazing. You feel amazing.” She continued as Lisa opened up to her. “You make me feel amazing.”
Lisa’s hips arched up, her body superseding whatever insecurities warred for control of her mind. Marty intended to vanquish them all. The head was the home of all things critical, all doubt, fear, and disillusion. The body was home to the most basic sense of self, the true form of knowing. She wanted them to exist in that space, at least until she’d made her see what that kind of connection could truly mean.
“Watch me,” she whispered. “Watch what you do to me.”
Lisa’s eyes stayed locked on hers, the haze of arousal replaced by intensity and awe.
“Do you see it yet?” Marty asked. “Do you see yourself reflected in my eyes?”
Lisa nodded, wordlessly.
“Good.” She slipped inside, her breath catching at the warmth, the heat, the utter perfection of their separate selves blending.
Lisa’s eyes closed, her head rolling back as Marty pushed forward into her all the way.
“Stay with me, baby,” Marty said, her voice no longer soft and clear through the arousal coursing through her.
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