“Something she didn’t want, or something she doesn’t know how to give?”
“I don’t know if the difference means much to me. I like her. A lot. I know it’s not very becoming for someone who’s supposed to be calm and reflective, but I fell for her, hard and fast.”
“You’ll not find judgment from me for that,” Elaine said. “Don’t forget why you came to Buffalo in the first place.”
A gentle wave of warmth spread through her chest. Elaine and Joey, living proof that true love could overcome anyone’s better judgment. “Maybe that’s what’s most frustrating in all of this. None of the obstacles between us, the long distance, our jobs, our outlooks on life, none of those things ever really factored in for me. None of those things were ever more than a passing thought. Maybe they should’ve been.”
“But they weren’t. Maybe that’s a sign.”
“Maybe they were signs we ignored. Or at least I ignored them. I have no idea what Lisa thought about them. Maybe that’s another sign.”
“Lisa’s not one for heavy conversations,” Elaine admitted.
Marty started to disagree. She thought of all the personal subjects they’d broached in their short time together, but even the most serious of them had ended up being laughed at, or kissed away. Had they ever really gotten serious? Even in those moments? If they had, they hadn’t let themselves stay there very long.
“It took me a long time to get to know Lisa,” Elaine continued. “I think sometimes I still don’t know what drives her, but I’ve learned that she jokes to cover a lot of really strong feelings. It’s just easier to do amazing things behind the scenes.”
Marty nodded. That made sense with everything she’d learned. “I believe you.”
“She can come across as really crass. She pretends not to understand things that make her uncomfortable, but she does. She feels those things, maybe even deeper than those of us who’ve learned to process through them.” Elaine bumped her shoulder lightly. “She’s never had a life coach.”
“No.” Marty smiled in spite of her pain. “She made that abundantly clear…multiple times.”
“I bet she did. I know how she comes across, but I also know she’s one of the most genuinely good people I’ve ever met. There’s nothing she wouldn’t do for the people she loves.”
“Believe it or not, I know that. I knew it from the beginning. It didn’t take me any time to see, really. You don’t have to convince me she’s worth all the struggles ahead. I want to try, at least give us a chance to see what we can be, but I can’t make the decision for both of us.”
“What if she wants to make that decision too?”
“I can’t pressure her into it. Honestly, I’ve probably already pushed too hard. I thought I could show her what I could see for us, and this is where I got us.”
“Where is this?” Elaine said, pulling the car to a stop in the airport parking lot.
“It’s nowhere. And that hurts,” she admitted, sadness blurring her eyes and clogging her throat. “It hurts to let go, but in the long run it’ll hurt a lot more to hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be held.”
“What if she wants the same things you do but she’s been typecast for so long she can’t admit it? Surely, you’ve seen similar things with clients. So many people miss out because they’re afraid to break the mold.”
“There’s one major difference here. I can’t coach Lisa. Even if I wanted to, I can’t. I hope you don’t think less of me, but I am very much a human being, flawed and needy, emotional and weak. I want to be wanted, I want to be sought after, not hidden from and pushed away.”
Elaine took her hand and squeezed it tightly. “Of course I don’t think less of you. I understand.”
“Good.” She wiped her eyes before the tears had a chance to fall. “It’s not that I don’t want to try. It’s that I don’t want to try alone. As crazy as it sounds, I’d still be willing to put my whole heart on the line for her, but I need the same kind of investment from her. I more than need it. I deserve it.”
Elaine pulled her into as much of a hug as the seat belt would allow. “You’re right. You deserve that, and so much more.”
Marty hugged her back, grateful for the soothing affirmation for the first time all morning. She wished she could carry the hug with her through the airport, onto the plane, and all the way back home, because even knowing what she deserved didn’t offer much solace when it came with the knowledge that she wouldn’t get it.
*
Lisa gathered the blankets from the living room, trying to avoid the sensory memories now associated with that spot. Would she ever sit in front of the fireplace again without feeling Marty, or her absence? That thought was entirely too maudlin for her. She’d lost worse and felt less in the past. Why should she doubt her ability to let go of a woman she’d only known a couple of days? Maybe she was still too close.
Marty had been gone only half an hour. She probably wasn’t even through security yet. There was still time to go after her. She could speed through Buffalo, buy a ticket to anywhere, chase her down in the terminal, and…what? Her stomach clenched so tightly it hurt.
She’d seen the movies. She knew how these things were supposed to end, but her life had never been like the movies. At least not like the romantic ones. She was more of a slapstick, screwball kind of character. She’d never pulled off the grand gesture before. There was no reason to think she could do so now, or that Marty even wanted her to. Her disappointment this morning had been palpable. Surely Marty saw by now what she’d tried to tell her all along. Only now, for the first time in her life, she wished she’d been the one to be wrong, instead of Marty.
“Shit,” she muttered, dropping the blankets into a laundry basket.
“All right, dude,” Joey said, coming in from the kitchen. “Spill.”
“Actually,” Lisa sighed heavily, “I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think I’m going to bed.”
She tried to sidestep her, but Joey put a hand flat on her chest. “What the hell? I come in and find you naked on the floor with my wife’s life coach, and you’re not even going to talk to me?”
“Yeah, maybe that’s it.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to talk to you about your wife’s life coach.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.” Lisa rubbed her face. “It means nothing.”
Joey stared at her, her dark eyes expressive and swirling with too many emotions not to remind her of Marty’s. “I don’t believe you.”
“Have I lied to you, Jo? I mean like about something major? Ever?”
“No.”
“Okay, then.”
“But you lie to yourself.”
She rolled her eyes.
“You’re doing it right now. You’re pretending you’re not upset about this, whatever this is.”
“It’s nothing. I mean, it was a thing, but it’s over.”
Joey eyed her seriously. “It doesn’t feel over.”
No, maybe not yet, but it would be as soon as Marty got on the plane. She just needed to stay calm until then, even if doing so hurt a little bit. “It was just a one-night stand.”
“Except you’re going to see her again.”
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, you are,” Joey pushed. “And so am I, and so is Elaine. They work together. You’re going to hear her voice coming from the upstairs office, she’s going to come visit occasionally, Elaine and I are both going to count on her to help us get through the transitions ahead. If you wanted to screw around, no strings attached, you could’ve picked a better option.”
“I’m sorry my sex life is inconvenient for you.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” Joey snapped. “We’re not talking about your sex life. We’re talking about human beings, real people and real emotions. I know you think life coaching is a bunch of crap, but the people you live with, the people you care about, don’t. And we’re facing some
of the biggest changes of our lives right now.”
The front door opened and Elaine stepped in, causing both Joey and Lisa to fall silent and freeze.
“Well that wasn’t suspicious at all,” Elaine said, taking off her coat. “Can I assume you didn’t just clam up because you’re planning a wonderful surprise party for me?”
Lisa laughed harder than the comment warranted, and even she heard the hysterical edge in her voice.
“How are you doing, Lisa?” Elaine asked.
“Fine.”
Elaine nodded thoughtfully but didn’t say anything. Did she not believe her? Did she expect her to break down?
“I can handle this,” she added.
“Of course you can,” Elaine said calmly. “You’re a strong, capable woman. A good friend. A thoughtful individual.”
Lisa snorted. Now she knew she was being played. “I’m not thoughtful.”
“You always work so hard to make us feel comfortable. You supported Joey and me through all the trials of our relationship. And you hosted the most beautiful wedding reception I’ve ever been to.”
“No.” She shook her head. Those weren’t important things. Those were little things.
“No?” Elaine asked softly. “You didn’t know Joey well enough to push her toward me? You didn’t help me see her value? Or you didn’t plan the reception all on your own, handling every detail intuitively?”
“No. I’m not intuitive.”
“You are,” Joey said. “You knew exactly what was best for us all along. You read people really well. You always know how to make everyone laugh.”
“Yeah, I go for the cheap joke. I don’t take anything seriously enough.”
“That’s not true.” Joey defended her against herself. “You don’t take the potshot. That would never work. You can make anyone smile, no matter what. You couldn’t do that if you didn’t understand people’s feelings.”
“You make people feel comfortable,” Elaine added. “It’s a gift.”
“Yeah, but I’m already losing you both”—her voice shook—“and I just made it worse for all of us.”
Joey opened her mouth, but Elaine laid a hand gently on her arm, and she closed it again.
“There are a lot of transitions ahead,” Elaine said thoughtfully.
“No shit.” Lisa sighed. “And I’m sorry, I messed them all up again.”
“Like last time?” Elaine asked.
“Yeah. First I fucked up saving Joey’s mom. Then I damn near wrecked you guys with that stupid life-coaching-appointment scheme. Now I blew things with Marty. I tried to warn her. Ask her. I told her I always let people down, but I can’t stop. I always come up short, and now I’m going to be alone too.”
“You’re not.” Joey’s eyes filled with tears. “You’re not a screwup, and you’re not alone.”
“Yeah, I am,” she said. “You’ve got this amazing life. You pulled everything together. You’ve got a wife, and you’re about to become a teacher. You’re going to buy a house and start a family, and you deserve that. But I’m still in the same place I’ve been for years, only now I’ll be alone. Maybe I deserve that.”
“Damn it, Lisa.” Joey pushed her hands through her hair. “I mean, you never said anything. You’ve been my best friend for more than twenty years. I tell you everything. You know every doubt and insecurity I’ve ever had.”
Lisa smirked. “Yeah, you were a real downer for a while.”
“Well you could’ve returned the favor.” Joey punched her in the arm a little harder than usual.”
“Ouch.”
“I thought you were a cocky smart-ass because you knew how awesome you were. That’s why it didn’t bother me. I was glad you saw what you’re worth, and all this time…” She shook her head sadly. “All these years you never told me anything, did you?”
Lisa heard the hurt in her voice. Another betrayal. Another way she’d let her down. “I never told anyone,” she said, then hesitated. “I mean not until…”
“Until when?” Elaine asked softly.
The tight grip of emotion squeezed her chest again. “Until last night.”
Joey and Elaine both stared at her, wide eyed and waiting. Were they putting the pieces together? Did they see what she was only beginning to understand?
“I didn’t know,” Joey finally said.
“There’s nothing to know.” The words sounded weak, even to herself, and from the look that passed between Joey and Elaine they obviously didn’t believe her, either.
“You couldn’t tell me how you felt. Me, the person who knows you better than anyone in the world, but after two nights with Marty you told her about every hidden insecurity.”
When put that way, she had no defense.
“And she didn’t run away?”
Lisa shook her head. Marty had listened. She’d stayed. She’d made love to her. Lisa had laid all her fears—all her insecurities about letting down the people she loved, all the things she couldn’t even tell the people who loved her most—at her feet, and Marty wanted her anyway.
“I’m so sorry.” Joey hugged her so tightly she nearly cracked her back.
“Why? What do you have to be sorry for?”
“I didn’t know you’d fallen in love with her.”
“No.” She pushed her away. “I’m not in love with her. I’ve only known her a couple days.”
Joey and Elaine both laughed.
“What?”
“What a silly excuse from you of all people,” Joey said. “You gave a speech two nights ago about how you knew from the moment I saw Elaine that she was the one for me. You knew before we’d even spoken to each other.”
“That’s different.”
“How’s it different?” Elaine asked.
“Because you guys are you, and I’m me,” she stammered. “If I ever let her down, I couldn’t take it.”
“You already did let her down,” Elaine said bluntly, “but there’s time to fix it.”
She shook her head again. She couldn’t get her hopes up. She couldn’t stand the way it swelled her chest and pushed at her rib cage. “What if I mess up? What if I put everything on the line and she doesn’t want me.”
“Then you’ll be exactly where you are right now,” Joey said.
“No,” Elaine said, “you’ll never be right here, right now, again. You either go backward or forward. You can’t just let things happen to you anymore. You have to make a choice.”
She was right. Damn her, she was always right. The choice had been hers all along, and for too many years she’d chosen regret.
Regret. What had Marty said about regrets? She didn’t have any? At least not until the moment they’d said good-bye. The pesky push of hope pressed against her muscles again. If she was wrong, if Marty didn’t want her, if she’d missed her chance, if she fell short again, at least she’d know for sure.
“Can you guys drive me to the airport?”
“Are you serious?” Joey asked.
Lisa grinned nervously. “Yeah, I’m getting there.”
Chapter Nine
Marty stood in the long line at the check-in counter. The East Coast backup from the day before was far from clear. At least she didn’t stand out in the throng of tired and downtrodden travelers. Everyone shuffled forward every couple of minutes as if moving up, even enough to take the place of the person in front of them, took great effort. Still, she was envious of her traveling companions. The burdens they carried were temporary. Today they’d go home. Tomorrow all would be made new again. Today would only take her farther from where she wanted to be.
The line shuffled ahead again. She counted the people in front of her. Ten more to go. Then she’d have a boarding pass to take her away from Buffalo. Wouldn’t it be nice if the plane could also take her away from the turmoil, away from the conflict, away from the memories of Lisa? No, she didn’t want to lose the memories, just the confusion and sadness surrounding them.
She closed her eyes and inhale
d, slow and deep, in through her nose and out through her mouth. She thought of Lisa in the firelight, her arm across her chest, the scent of her filling every breath. She heard her laugh and saw her smile, full and bright, as they danced. She felt the breeze as it wove around them on the balcony and tousled Lisa’s dark hair. She felt her lips part against her own. Those were the memories she could cling to. She felt the line move around her, and she fought the urge to let it pass her by. She wanted to stay in that space a little longer.
“Um, ma’am,” someone behind her said. “Ma’am, I think that woman is trying to get your attention.”
She grimaced and opened her eyes, afraid she’d missed a cue from an airline employee, but when she looked around she saw several people still in front of her.
“Over there.” The man behind her pointed toward the back of the line.
Nice try. There was no way she would lose her place in the line.
Then she heard a familiar voice, clear and strong, closer than any memory. “Excuse me. Pardon me. I’m not cutting. I just need to—Sorry, sir, can I get through here?” Lisa came into view, half-elbowing, half-begging her way through the crowd.
She was so beautifully disheveled and flustered, her cheeks rosy, her jaw set, her eyes searching frantically.
“Lisa,” Marty called out. “What are you doing?”
“I’m coming to stop you.”
“Stop me from what?”
“From leaving,” she said, pushing past the last few people between them.
“You could’ve called me.”
“I didn’t really think of that,” she said, flustered. “This is my first time tracking someone down at the airport.”
“Yeah?” Marty asked, amused by her consternation, and beyond thrilled that she’d made the effort. “How’s it going so far?”
“It’s not as easy as it looks in chick flicks. I didn’t have anywhere to buy flowers, and parking’s a mess. Elaine let me off at the curb, and you know, the crowds don’t just part.”
“But you found me anyway.”
“I did.” Lisa finally smiled. “Only now that you’re here, or I’m here, I feel like getting here might’ve been the easy part.”
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