The radio news still talked about the awful losses the enemy had to suck up, and celebrated each downed hostile aircraft. But the Allies replaced every destroyed bomber with two new ones like the Hydra growing new heads. Anna shook a fist into the air.
Mutter’s worry increased when Anna and Ursula walked the streets alone at night. But since that fateful day in the quarantine ward, Anna couldn’t look her family in the eyes. It was one more reason why she stayed in her laboratory working as long as she could.
She wished she had a place to live on her own, where she didn’t have to dodge the scrutinizing glance of her mother or the erratic mood swings of her sister. Sometimes on her way home, when she’d once again missed the last bus, she would even secretly wish to be hit by a bomb or killed by a random criminal; at least then her nagging conscience would be silenced forever.
That evening, when only she remained in the laboratory, she heard heavy footsteps in the hallway. Professor Scherer, clad in his greatcoat and a hat, opened the door and peeked inside saying, “I saw light in here. You are still working, Fräulein Klausen?”
“Yes, I just need to finish this one experiment, and then I’ll leave for home.”
He looked at her with the same disapproving glance Mutter used and said, “It’s dangerous for a young lady out at this time of night. Our enemies don’t give us any respite.”
“I know, Professor, but I listened to the radio. So far they haven’t announced any aircraft in German airspace heading for Berlin. And I’ll be leaving in less than an hour.”
He didn’t look convinced and sat down on a high chair to observe her work. After several minutes he said, “I will wait for you to finish and bring you home in my car.”
“Thank you.” Anna smiled at the unexpected opportunity to see Peter. They hadn’t made their relationship official yet, but she suspected that the Professor must have his suspicions.
Later when they sat in his limousine, Peter in the driver’s seat and she and the Professor in the backseat, Professor Scherer leaned over and said, “I have thought about this. Most of the research staff lives on-site. I would have offered you one of the rooms, but with all the destruction, we’ve had to take on so many bombed-out relatives of our employees…nevertheless, I hate to see you walking alone at night.”
“It’s no problem, really...” Anna had no idea where this was going.
“Well, it is. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. Therefore, I want you to consider living in my apartment at the Charité. I never use it…I prefer my house in Oranienburg or the one closer to Ravensbrück.”
“Professor, that is a very generous offer…” One I can’t possibly accept.
“No, it is an offer that should have been made long before now. I will make it official with our personnel department tomorrow morning.” Professor Scherer leaned back in his seat, obviously satisfied with the solution he’d arrived at.
“I…I would love to.” Anna’s heart jumped at the idea of escaping the scrutiny of her family, and being closer to Peter, but she couldn’t make such an important decision on her own. “But I must discuss this with my mother first.”
“Very well. Surely your mother will see the advantage of your living on-site and not having to make the dangerous journey back to your home every night.”
“Thank you again,” she said as the automobile stopped in front of her curb. Peter glanced at her in the rearview mirror and she could see that he wanted to kiss her as badly as she wanted to kiss him. But in the Professor’s presence, that wouldn’t happen.
“Good night, Professor,” she said and took Peter’s hand.
He’d already walked around the automobile to help her out. For a long moment her hand lingered in his, and she wished she could wrap her arms around him. Instead she said, “Thank you, Peter. Have a good night.”
Then she walked up to the apartment she shared with her mother and sister. It used to be quite crowded with a family of six, but now with only the three of them living there it felt big. Mutter occupied one bedroom, while Ursula and Anna shared the other one. A living room, separate kitchen, and private bathroom were luxuries not many still owned these days.
She would miss her family. But she longed for independence.
Despite the government’s efforts to evacuate as many non-essential citizens from Berlin as possible, there were still too many people remaining for the daily-shrinking stock of intact buildings.
“Mutter. Ursula.” Anna rushed inside, still pondering how to break the news.
“You look excited, Anna. What is it?” Mutter asked, motioning for Anna to join them at the kitchen table.
“Well, you know how you’ve been worried about my safety when I had to walk home in the blackout?”
“I still do, darling. I worry every time one of you is out there,” Mutter said, and poured potato soup into Anna’s bowl.
“Then you will see the merits of this.” Anna took a deep breath and said, “Professor Scherer has graciously offered me the use of his apartment at the Charité. Isn’t that wonderful news?”
“He has asked you to live with him?” her mother asked, her face covered in a twisted mask of outrage.
“No, oh no. He never uses the apartment and it’s sitting there vacant.”
Her mother shook her head arguing, “Still, the apartment is his. How would it look? My daughter living in the apartment of a widowed man who could be her father. Over my dead body.”
“Please, Mutter. It will be arranged with the personnel department and officially assigned to my name.” Anna shot an unspoken plea to Ursula for help, and was amazed when she received it.
“Mutter, such arrangements are very common. We have employee housing on the prison grounds, too. There’s nothing improper about it if it’s done via the personnel department.”
Mutter looked from Anna to Ursula and back. “I don’t know…”
“You have to think about what’s best for Anna. Walking home in the dark is dangerous and our enemies are unpredictable. Sometimes we have short notice in an air raid warning. If she lives on-site, you wouldn’t have to worry about her being out so late.”
“You’ll still get to see me, because I’ll come home anytime I get a chance. You’ll even grow sick of my visits,” Anna added.
“I don’t like it,” Mutter stated, but Anna could see her softening towards the idea.
“Please. It’s not that I haven’t lived on my own before,” Anna said
“Don’t mention that! I’m still angry with both of you about that ploy. You could have gotten all three of you killed.” Mutter scowled at her and shook her head. “And don’t believe for one minute that I haven’t figured out what you’re really doing at the Charité. Nurse Anna!”
“You know?” Ursula and Anna said in unison.
“A mother knows everything where her children are concerned. I may be getting old but I’m not stupid. I knew Lotte would get herself into trouble the same way I knew that you would never give up on your dream to become a biologist.” Mutter curved her lip up into half a smile. “And I also know why Ursula has developed her religious streak recently and her sudden love for the allotment gardens.”
“Why…why didn’t you say anything?” Anna asked.
“Sometimes it’s better to keep silent. And since you will move to the employee housing whether I agree or not, I hereby give you my blessing.”
“Thank you, Mutter,” Anna said, moved to tears. She had expected to be scolded, but not this.
“Good night,” Mutter said, and retreated to her bedroom.
“It’s hard for her too, you know?” Ursula said when only the two of them remained in the kitchen. “She has no idea where Vater is being held captive, and now that she knows Richard is in Warsaw she listens to every bit of news coming in about Poland. I see her blanch whenever there’s talk about an attack by the partisans or other troublesome information.”
Anna vaguely remembered Peter’s reaction to the murder
of an SS officer in Warsaw. Maybe he has a brother stationed in Poland, too?
“Did you tell her? I mean about your work for Pfarrer Bernau’s resistance network?” Anna asked.
“Of course not. We don’t talk about these things. Ever. But how could she not notice when I hide Jews in our allotment garden? How food from the pantry is missing? We now have a secret sign to let her know when she can’t visit the allotments.”
For a moment Anna felt like scum. Ursula risked her life everyday to smuggle Jews out of the country, Lotte had paid the price for helping a friend.
And what do I do? Nothing.
“I should go pack,” Anna said. “Professor Scherer has offered to arrange things first thing in the morning.
“I’ll help you – if you’d like?” Ursula offered.
Anna smiled and squeezed her sister’s hand, replying, “I’d like that very much.”
They folded clothing, packed books and Anna’s personal items, and placed them into the same suitcase she’d used to move to Ravensbrück.
“I hope this move will be happier for you,” Ursula said and burst into tears.
“Sisterheart, don’t cry.” Anna put down the shirt she was folding and hugged her sister tight.
“I can’t help it,” Ursula sobbed, frightening the hell out of Anna. Her sister believed in staying strong and accepting what fate handed her. Ursula hadn’t even cried after getting the news about her husband’s death. So why had she become a crybaby lately?
“I’m not moving that far away.” Anna hugged her tighter. How could Ursula be so upset that she was moving out? After a while the sobs faded, and Anna released her sister and stepped back to look her over.
Ursula nodded and tried to dry her tears. Anna watched her for a long moment, and when Ursula turned sideways to reach for another shirt to fold, Anna couldn’t believe her eyes. There, hidden beneath the untucked shirt her sister wore, was an unmistakable bulge.
Anna sank back onto the bed and grabbed her sister’s arm. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?” Ursula turned and looked at her cautiously.
“That you’re pregnant!”
“I…” Ursula shrugged and burst into tears once more.
A troublesome suspicion settled like lead around Anna’s heart. “Who is the father?”
“You know him.” Ursula broke out into another round of violent sobs. “It’s Tom.”
“The English pilot? Oh my God!” Anna flung herself onto her back.
“Shush! You can’t tell a soul.” Ursula’s panic-stricken eyes widened.
“I know that.” Of course she knew. Tom Westlake was an English pilot. The enemy. A convicted spy with a death sentence hanging over his head. A prison escapee. A hunted man accused of multiple crimes. The Gestapo was probably still looking for him, and if they suspected that Ursula’s baby was Tom’s…she didn’t want to imagine what that would mean for all of them. Ravensbrück was a piece of cake compared to what the Gestapo had in store for their prisoners.
“Promise me, Anna. Nobody can know who the father is,” Ursula begged.
“My lips are sealed.” Anna raised her hand to her mouth and made a gesture as if she was turning a key and throwing it away, just as they’d done as children.
Ursula giggled, but sobered immediately. “I’m serious.”
“Me too. Do you think I want to be on the other side of the fence in one of the camps even for one minute? God forbid. Your secret is safe with me.” Anna did a quick calculation and figured her sister was in her sixth month. “Why didn’t you come to me earlier?”
Ursula grimaced, saying, “Because you’ve been so occupied with your career, that professor, and Peter.”
“Ursula, you are my family. I will never be too busy for you or…Mutter! Does she know?”
“No, and I want to keep it that way.”
“For how long do you think you can conceal your condition?” Anna said after a glance at Ursula’s growing belly. Now that she knew, the obvious pieces fell into place and everything made sense. The round face. The mood swings. The full breasts. “She’ll find out soon if she doesn’t know already.” Ursula’s eyes started watering again and Anna wished she’d kept quiet.
“It’s just…you remember how I always wanted to have a child? I had it all worked out. I married Andreas, he would come home on furlough, and I’d bear his child. I could stop working in my awful job as prison guard and would stay home with our baby. When the war was over, we’d be a happy family.”
Anna couldn’t help but grin at the rosy picture her sister painted. Things hadn’t worked out as planned for any of them. Not even for herself. She sighed, wondering at the course of her life if things had unfolded in a different way.
“I hear you. It’s not that I had envisioned all this.” Anna made an all-encompassing gesture and propped herself on her elbows. “But sometimes we have to accept what fate hands us, and make the best of it.”
“Hey, that’s my line.” Ursula punched her sister’s arm. Then a sad cloud crossed her eyes again. “I don’t even know whether Tom made it back to England, or if he’s still alive.” She put a hand over her belly. “Every night when the bombers come, I look up into the sky, hoping to see him there.” Tears fell again. “It’s stupid; I know.”
“It’s not stupid. You love him,” Anna said and snuggled against her sister’s back.
“What if he falls in love with an English girl over there? He doesn’t even know…” Ursula wiped her tears away and stood up. “I hate Hitler and I hate his war! Once it’s over, there will be nothing left for the winner to take. There will only be scorched earth and dead bodies.”
“We must have faith that there will be an end to this soon, and a better future for everyone.” Anna attempted to calm her sister. “Let’s get some sleep.”
Secretly, she admired Ursula for being so strong. She was small and thin, and her soft smile could fool anyone, but deep inside she had the unyielding strength of a steel fortress. Anna wondered if she would be able to love as unconditionally as Ursula did, sticking around for a man who was the enemy. Thankfully, she didn’t have to find an answer to this question. Her life was complicated enough as it was.
Chapter 17
Anna moved into her new place the next day. Because the apartment had previously been assigned to Professor Scherer, it was nicer than the usual staff quarters. It featured two bedrooms, one of which she didn’t use, a combination living and dining room, and a fully furnished kitchen. Best of all, it was less than five minutes’ walk to the lecture hall with the laboratories, and Peter lived in the adjacent building.
But in the midst of her happiness, a smidgeon of guilt gnawed at her over leaving her family when they needed her most.
Anna shrugged. It had been the right choice. She glanced at the clock on the wall opposite her work station and yawned. It was past nine already. Now that she could work as long as she wanted without having to worry about walking home in the pitch black of night, she’d forgotten the time again.
Usually Peter dropped in to remind her about dinnertime and they would prepare a meal either at her place or at his, but today he’d been out driving the Professor to several appointments.
Everyone else had already left. She stretched her arms and legs, tidying up everything and locking the bacteria cultures into the cupboard. Then she grabbed her coat and purse, switched off the lights, and turned towards the stairs that would lead her straight out to the street side of the building.
The chilly night air smelled of fresh beginnings. Spring had finally returned to Berlin. Dandelions and daisies had sprung up everywhere, even atop heaps of rubble, as if to say Look! We don’t care whether there’s a war or not, we’ll always be here.
Anna smiled and picked a bunch of daisies to put into a vase. Peter would like that. He always tried to cheer her up, bringing normalcy into her life, even if only with a flower. Moments later the screeching, buzzing, deafening sound of the air raid sire
ns blasted out across the city.
After so many years she should have grown accustomed to it, but every time it made her writhe in agony – like the sound of nails screeching across a blackboard, only a hundred times louder. Anna looked around for her options. The public shelter was on the far end of the grounds, at least a fifteen-minute walk. But there was a smaller one, nothing more than a fortified room in the basement of the lecture hall. She dreaded spending the night there. She hated that tiny room.
The deep droning of approaching aircraft drowned out even the sounds of the sirens and she knew she didn’t have a choice. She’d never make it to the public shelter.
She hurried down the stairs, trying to contain her fear at entering the creepy space in the basement. There was only a dim emergency light blanketing the room in semidarkness.
“Iiieeeekkk,” she shrieked when she noticed a shadow looming in the room.
“Is that you, Anna? It’s me. Peter,” he called to her from the darkness.
“Jesus, Peter, you spooked me. I thought…” Anna fell into his arms, her heart pounding hard and fast.
“…I was a ghost? Boooo…” He chuckled at the trembles running down her arms. “You’re safe with me. I’ll take good care of you.”
The sounds overhead grew louder, more terrifying, a swarm of angry hornets zooming in on their target.
“I hate them,” she murmured.
“Everyone does. But they’re just doing their job.”
“How can you say that!” Anna turned in his arms, glaring daggers at him. “They’re killing innocent people. Why don’t they bomb military targets? Why do they come here to murder innocent women and children?”
“There are no innocents in a war. Not in this one.” His voice became thoughtful and reminded her of her own inner struggles.
“Can we talk about something else, something less depressing?” Anna asked in a hushed voice as she leaned into him again. In his arms she felt safe. Nothing could harm her.
“Certainly, what do you want to talk about?” Peter chuckled again, tracing lazy circles on her arms. It felt so good. Too good. Her body threatened to ignite as she waited with bated breath for whatever he would do next.
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