by Karen Anders
“No!” she shouted. “You did not fail her. It was your parents’ fault, Corey. They were the ones who failed you. You were their responsibility. They’re the ones at fault. You were a defenseless child in need of love and nurturing. You didn’t get that because they were unable to give it to you. You had no choice.” She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight, rocking him gently.
The warmth and need he felt for this sweet, delicate woman overwhelmed him, a balm to his battered spirit. “I don’t ever want to let you go. Jennifer, my Jennifer. I don’t ever want to let you go.”
“Don’t then. Ellie and I need you.”
He looked into her eyes. Her words were like silken cords that wrapped around his heart, binding him. She loved him and his heart sang and soared. Yet he knew the truth. He didn’t know what it was like to be normal. That was why it was all a dream. Elusive. Out of reach.
“What made it worse was the silence,” he said after a moment. “I couldn’t talk about what was happening to me. I couldn’t ask my friends why their families were so different. Asking questions would have opened up too many inquiries, and I felt too ashamed to talk about it to anyone,” he said quietly, his voice drifting into a hushed whisper. “I wanted to be normal, Jennifer. I wanted it so desperately.”
He lay his head on her shoulder and she buried her hands in his hair, cupping and kneading his scalp.
“I thought if I could be good enough, it would happen. But there was no turning back for my father. The darkness ate him whole and in the end the fire took him. I started fighting back at ten. I probably would have landed in jail by sixteen if it wasn’t for the rodeo. I ran away from home and lied about my age. The rodeo saved me, Jennifer. I had money and prestige and no one beat me anymore. I started to send money to my mother. I told her I would support her and Marigold. I even went home when I was eighteen to beg her to leave. Her arm was in a cast and Marigold looked like a zombie. But she wouldn’t go. My father tried to throw me out of the house. I hit him, Jennifer. I hit him so hard I thought I’d killed him. I was in such a rage all I wanted to do was stop him from hurting her. My mother made me leave. She told me never to come back. I never did.”
“Corey.” She grabbed his face and held it between her hands. “You don’t understand, do you? You’ve been a father to Ellie. No one taught you how. You just did it because it comes natural to you.”
The silence stretched as she held him, her hand smoothing through his hair. “I want what I saw in that painting, Corey.”
He shuddered, his whole body trembling as another sob caught in his throat. “Oh God, Jennifer, don’t.”
“It’s not going to happen, though, is it, Corey?”
“I have unfinished business, Jennifer. I can’t make any promises. I should never have stayed here so long and put you in danger. I’m sorry about that. I can’t stay because I need to go back to the rodeo,” he lied. He wasn’t about to tell her that he loved her. The painting had been a dream. Only that. The reality she wanted he couldn’t give her because he couldn’t be sure of himself and he wasn’t going to stay and test that theory.
“Jay was to blame, Corey. Not you. He was the maniac.”
“Do you want me to go now, Jennifer?”
“No. I want you to stay for as long as you can. I saw Ellie’s light on. Why don’t you go talk to her. I’ll be in my room when you’re done.”
Ellie sat on her bed listlessly trying to do her homework. Her mind was not on the math problems in front of her, but on the trapped feelings of frustration and pain at the loss of Tucker’s friendship. Later, she promised herself. Later she would talk to him about all her fears and the shame she felt when Jay died.
“Ellie?” Corey’s voice broke into her misery and she lifted her head only to see the resignation on his face. He was coming to tell her he was leaving. She could see the knowledge in his eyes, the unhappy slant to his mouth. It hurt, as if she were losing her own father.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said, tears forming in her eyes and running down her cheeks.
Corey made his way over to the bed. He sat on the edge and pulled Ellie into his arms. Holding her tightly he smoothed his hand over her hair. He let her cry. Great gulping sobs that brought tears to his own eyes.
“Ellie, I’m sorry, little darlin’. It’s time that I found out for myself who I am and where I’m going. Do you understand that I wouldn’t be any good to anyone without my own peace of mind?”
“I think so,” she said softly, not letting him go, her voice muffled against his chest.
“I want you to remember what you told me. Why you had to ride with a broken wrist. Do you remember?”
“I said that I had to do it for me. For myself.”
“Well, Ellie, that’s what I have to do. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I have to do this for myself.” His chest ached with suppressed tears, his throat tight, so tight.
“It doesn’t make it any easier, Corey,” she murmured.
“I know,” he whispered.
“Are you coming back?” Her voice told him that she already knew the answer.
“No.”
“Why? We want you to.”
He leaned back so he could look into her eyes. “I can’t because a long time ago when I was a child, my father beat me, Ellie.”
“I’m so sorry, Corey.”
He swallowed, finding it hard to go on. “I’m afraid that part of that violence might be inside me and if I stay here with you and your mom, it might come out. Do you understand?”
Ellie met his stare and nodded. “Yes. I understand. I understand because of Tucker.”
Corey nodded and pulled her against his chest once more. He held her until his arms were numb, held her after she’d fallen asleep and it physically hurt when he finally laid her down and covered her with the blanket. He whispered hoarsely, “I love you, Eleanor Jean Horn, like you were my own child.” His voice broke on the last word.
Gently he kissed her temple, unaware of the tear that dropped from his eye onto the soft skin of her cheek.
A devastating salty farewell.
It was more than he’d hoped for. They loved him. The knowledge sang through him, yet scared him. Terrifieddown-to-his-toes scared. Spitless scared.
He didn’t want to hurt them. He didn’t want to turn into some kind of a monster. He couldn’t bear it if he did.
He was going to run again. Run away because it was easier than facing the devastating fear that his father’s words had been true after all. He was going to run and never look back. He was going to leave his dream behind.
Later, once he was in control of himself again, he made his way to Jennifer’s room, pushing open the door. She lay in bed, her eyes open, waiting for him.
“Come give me the night,” she said and he did. It was all he had to offer her.
The morning came too abruptly. Neither of them had slept. Even now Jennifer lay feigning sleep. She felt him leave her and heard him get dressed. Very gently he kissed her on the lips. “Goodbye, sweet darlin’.”
Jennifer heard the door close and she lay there, her stomach in vicious knots. She had to let him go. Once again a man was choosing the rodeo over her. She’d been a complete fool.
She never heard the bike roar down the driveway. Never noticed the time passing. There was only sadness and pain. And the horrifying numbness, which seemed to surround her and swallow her whole.
Two days later, Jennifer and Ellie sat on the front porch, listlessly. Ellie sat on the porch swing pretending to read a book, pushing at the worn wooden boards with the toe of her bare foot. She hadn’t turned a page in ten minutes. Jennifer sat in a rocker, rocking slowly back and forth. It was better than pacing restlessly, pining for a man who had come to mean everything to her.
Without knowing why, she looked up and met Ellie’s eyes.
“He went to Austin,” Ellie said. “I saw his entry form. It’s a three-day rodeo. Today’s the last day. It’s not that far.
We could go.”
She looked at her daughter’s hopeful face. Two days had passed and already his absence was like a hole in her heart. She would have to go to him. Somehow she would have to convince him. Somehow she would have to bring him home.
It didn’t take them long to get dressed and get into Jennifer’s truck. They both smiled at each other before Jennifer inserted the key in the ignition. We’re coming, Corey, and we’re not leaving without you, she said to herself, for the first time that day feeling full of hope and inspiration for a bright future with the man she loved.
He strapped on his chaps, taking great care with the buckle. His hands were shaking, his insides tied up in knots. He’d drawn Widowmaker as he knew he would. It was his last ride. He had the most points and this ride would decide the winner. He had been like a man possessed during the tournament. Widowmaker was the last challenge. He knew it because it was his destiny.
He walked toward the ring and climbed on the fence, looking down at the black-and-white bull. Two days without Jennifer and Ellie had been so devastatingly lonely. He hadn’t slept at night. The hotel room was like a prison.
“Trying a little of the hair of the dog that bit you, huh, Rainwater?” A man’s voice broke into Corey’s thoughts.
Corey met the other man’s unflinching gaze. “Yeah. I’m going to bite him back.”
The man smiled and Corey straddled the bull, slipping his hand under the rope and binding it securely. That was all that anchored him to the animal. A piece of rope, a bell and sheer unadulterated guts. Sweat trickled down his face and he turned and nodded at the man holding the gate. “Let’em go.”
“He’ll be okay, Mommy,” Ellie said as they sat down, ready to watch the rest of the rodeo.
Jennifer smiled at her daughter and put her arm around her. “Who’s the mother here and who’s the daughter?”
Ellie smiled. “Do you still love him, Mom?”
“Yes, Ellie. I love him very much.”
Just then his name was called and she heard the chute open and her breath caught in her throat. She’d never seen him so magnificent. Raw power against sheer brute strength. She and Ellie watched transfixed as he rode the bull with the skill and determination that was a deeply ingrained part of him. She watched as the buzzer rang, the eight seconds gone and still he rode.
“Mom,” Ellie said very softly, “I think he’s riding for us now. He doesn’t even know we’re here, but he’s riding for us.”
Jennifer knew it was true. It was just like him. When he slipped off the bull with ease and grace, she and Ellie rose with the other people clapping and shouting and giving him his due. Suddenly he turned and stared straight up at her, the deep green of his eyes hot and possessive, and she felt the bond between them tighten and solidify. She blew him a kiss and he stared one more minute before he turned and exited the ring.
Somehow he knew they would come. That was why he’d ridden for as long as he could. For them. He stood outside the gate, breathing hard, leaning against the fence for support. He could walk away from the rodeo because now he had built new foundations. Foundations that were forged by a beautiful woman with integrity and a warm giving heart and a little girl with innocence and grace who had taught him that being a father was a most natural and rewarding pursuit.
Now he needed only them, wanted only them. He looked up to the stands and could easily pick out Jennifer. A woman with fire in her hair and fire deep down in her heart. A fire for him that she had set and he needed to tend and nurture so that it never went out. Burned for all his life. Standing in the bright sunlight, he knew that he would only be whole with her. Her and her sweet daughter. Walking away from his old life, turning his back on the rodeo, facing his fear was something he’d had to do. Now that it was done, he had a life and a home. He had a future.
Slowly, he sifted through the memories. Ellie’s need for his approval and advice. The numerous times she had shown him innocent, heartfelt affection.
Ah, then there was Jennifer’s understanding, her desire and her love. Jennifer had shown him that touching didn’t have to hurt. He craved her with a powerful desire built upon a carefully constructed foundation of love.
A foundation both strong and enduring.
Jennifer and Ellie had taught him what loving was all about.
Corey climbed up to where Jennifer and Ellie sat, watching other bull riders in the ring make the effort to oust Corey. When Jennifer’s eyes met his, aU the desperation and loneliness of the past two days evaporated. There was no remorse, no accusation, nothing but love in her eyes.
“I decided that what I had to prove to myself was that I could get on him if I wanted to,” he said. “I’m willing to try, Jennifer, because I want to so desperately, because I can’t imagine going on without you, because I’m more afraid of being without you. Because I love you.”
She looked up into his eyes. “Oh, Corey. I love you, too. I love you so much.”
He caught her as she launched herself against him, hugging her so tightly he never wanted to let her go. “I love you, darlin’. I was just too lost to know it.”
Over Jennifer’s shoulder, his eyes met the piercing green gaze of her daughter.
“What do you say, Ellie? Want a daddy?”
Ellie’s eyes filled with tears. “Only if it’s you, Corey. I sure love you like you were my very own.”
“Come here, sweetheart.” He drew her into his arms and hugged them both against his heart where they would stay.
“I couldn’t have wished for a more perfect family. My two beautiful girls. Come on, let’s go home.”
“But,” Ellie said, “don’t you want to see if you win?”
He pulled on her braid and smiled. “I already have.”
A week later, Ellie, Jennifer and Corey sat around the kitchen table planning the wedding. When there was a knock at the door, Corey got up and opened it.
“Mr. Rainwater?”
“Yes,” Corey answered, as he opened the door farther.
“You are one hard man to find.” The small man removed his hat and wiped at his forehead. He stretched out his hand and offered Corey a card.
“Yeah, I like it that way. What is it you want?” Corey took the card and glanced at the black print.
“I’m David Wells. I was your mother’s attorney. In her will she left you everything.” The man walked past Corey into the house, setting his briefcase down on the table. He nodded to Jennifer and smiled at Ellie before he opened the locks and pulled out a sheaf of papers.
“The house burned down to the ground. There wasn’t anything to leave me.” Corey’s voice got rough, his throat tight. His eyes reached for Jennifer’s and the knot of grief eased at her sympathetic expression.
“On the contrary. There was a trust opened up when you were sixteen. There’s quite a sum in it now. I’m here to bestow the legal papers on you.” The man sounded relieved and preoccupied.
“A trust? What kind of trust?” It must be the money he had sent his mother, he thought in shock. He’d known she wasn’t spending it.
“There was a note,” the man said by way of explanation. “She insisted that I find you and make sure you got both the note and the money. There is also the matter of your father’s work.”
“My father’s work?” Corey asked, perplexed. He knew his father had destroyed all his work when his hands had been ruined.
“Yes, his paintings are now worth a considerable sum of money,” Wells said, still digging in his briefcase as if he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, look Corey in the eyes.
“I don’t follow you.”
“Your mother entrusted me with five of his works. After his unfortunate incident, he destroyed most of the stuff he was working on, but your mother saved five paintings to be sold upon his death.”
Corey took a deep breath, unable to take it all in. He looked down at the note.
I could never have taken your money, son. I’m sorry for the way we parted, but it was better for all of us. Plea
se don’t hate me or your father. I loved him and I just couldn’t leave him. Perhaps it isn’t something you can understand, but I hope maybe one day you will. Do something good with the money, son. Be happy.
Corey felt something loosen inside of him and he knew exactly what he wanted to do with the money.
The man cleared his throat and Corey looked up expectantly. “There is another matter that I really don’t know how to tell you, so I’ll tell you straight out. When the news was given to you at the hospital that your father, mother and sister were dead, well, you see, the search hadn’t been completed yet. It wasn’t discovered until later, after you left that...well...that your sister was not killed. She’s been waiting for you at your Austin house all this time.”
Corey couldn’t speak, the air seemed to be trapped in his chest. “Marigold,” he got out hoarsely. “Where is she?”
“In my car. She’s a bit frightened and...”
Corey didn’t hear the rest. He rushed past the little man, through the door and down the steps, joy and awe pounding in his blood.
When he got to the car, a dark-haired child turned her haunted green eyes up to his and he pulled the car door open, dropping to his knees with a soft cry. He touched her face and the tears welling in her eyes slipped down her cheeks.
“Corey.” She said his name as if it were home and wrapped her slim arms around his neck. He felt the hot, wet slide of her tears against his neck.
He felt Jennifer’s hand on his shoulder and he just couldn’t move, his chest was full and aching, tears pricking the back of his eyes. “My God, I thought you were dead. What happened?”
“Dad went into one of his rages because I broke a glass. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just couldn’t. I left and I guess he crashed on the couch with a lit cigarette and caught the house on fire. I went to your house and got the key you always said you’d leave for me. I let myself in to wait for you, but you never came. Finally I called the police because I didn’t know what else to do.” She stood there forlorn and with shadows in her eyes. “Mom’s dead.” Her voice broke and she dissolved into tears again.