by Jenn Cooksey
He meant it to be spiteful and that’s exactly how I took it. I started to get pissed.
“When did you become such a fucking cowardly asshole?”
“Don’t you think you should ask yourself that? After all, you clearly seem to have all the answers.” Fuck. He knows I went to Jillian for answers and he also knows she didn’t give me any so now he’s rubbing it in my face…the fucking smug asshole.
“Jesus Christ, I should pull you off that goddamned horse and beat the living shit out of you for everything you’ve done but you’re not even worth the effort,” I told him in my own spiteful and vindictive way, hoping to at least get in a small stab at him.
It didn’t work. All I’d managed to do was give him more fuel to hurt me and piss me off even more because his response was cold, sneering laughter.
“Oh Jesus, your sense of humor’s always been a little off center, but fuck, that was hysterical…I don’t know how in the fuck you think you’d be able to do any of that, seeing as how you couldn’t before when you had equal footing and I wasn’t fighting back and all, but I’d fuckin’ love to see you try to get me off this horse and then kick my ass.” That was when he turned his dark gaze to my face and there was absolutely no humor or even life in it whatsoever. Then, he ever so casually wheeled his horse around and slowly started to move away from me.
“That’s it, I’m done…I don’t even know who you are anymore,” I said, and gave up by turning around and walking away.
His single word, sarcastic retort of “Clearly” echoed and smoldered in my ears all the way back to the stables, making me fume about the fact that he’d “clearly” gotten to me and that he’d “clearly” done it on purpose.
I got down to the stables, paused in front of the rose bushes there and swore. He did it all on purpose. And when I said I didn’t know who he is, that “clearly” reply of his held sorrow. Whether he meant for me to or not, I could hear it. That means Camie wasn’t the one he was protecting himself from the other day when she brought up his birthday present to her. Sure, she might’ve had a little to do with it, but it was mostly him trying to keep me from seeing anything of his emotions. It means he was protecting himself from me. It also means I can still get to him and make him talk…I just have to make the right effort and jump through the right hoops to be successful. In turn, all of that means, unfortunately, is that I have to get on a goddamned horse. And not just any goddamned horse either.
As I started to pick the flowers for the easy part of my bribe I had to wonder, are horses color blind? I’d kinda like to know because I’d hate to go through all this demeaning bullshit only to have her reject my offering based on the fact that I don’t know what her favorite color is. Yeah, that’s right, she could very fucking possibly “reject” me. Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you… Many horses can be called eccentric or maybe even crazy, but the goddamned horse I’m gonna have to humble myself with in order to get to Tristan is fuckin’ certifiably insane. Seriously, if there were loony bins for horses, the padding in her cell would be pink satin and there’d be fuckin’ ribbons and bows all over the place.
It’s not entirely her fault, though. She’s been brainwashed over the years by hundreds of little kids to believe…are you ready for this? I’m not fuckin’ kidding; you might wanna sit down… The crazy horse actually honestly believes she’s a fucking UNICORN.
I told you to sit down so you can’t blame me if you just fell flat on your ass…
Her name is Lady Amalthea. She’s an exceptionally pretty Andalusian and Tristan’s mom’s favorite horse. And she is actually named after the unicorn in the book called The Last Unicorn, but you see, it was because of her ultra gentle temperament and her pristine white coloring that made her the perfect choice to use as a mock unicorn at the Renaissance Fairs that used to be held all over Southern California during the fall and spring. Tristan’s mom would take her to all the festivals, braid her mane and tail with flowers and ribbons, and she even constructed a realistic looking enamel horn for the horse to wear, but I think it was all the kids who would ooh and ahh about what a pretty unicorn she was that sent her over the edge. They’d bring her flowers and pet her, and because she was supposed to be a “wild” unicorn, Trinity never put any tack on her so the kids would ride her around the little corralled area bareback with only a lead rope that was threaded with “jewels” and more flowers attached to the halter thing that was used to keep her horn in place. So, now she can’t abide having a saddle on her back let alone a bit in her mouth.
But wait! There’s more!
After spending her days being pampered and presented with gifts of flowers, candied apples and shit like that, she developed a disliking not only for other horses, which I personally think is because she believes they’re beneath her by not being one of her kind, but she also won’t have anything to do with people who won’t buy in to her madness. And that’s where the bribery comes in. She loves to be ridden but you have to go into her stall, which is actually painted “princess pink” by the way, present her with flowers, and then you have to convince her that you believe what she knows in that crazy-ass little heart of hers to be true. That she’s the prettiest, most beautiful unicorn in the whole wide world.
I KNOW! The horse is loony!
And that’s why I cannot fucking believe I’m gonna do this…
Attention shoppers, humble pie is now on sale at the Black Market ~ Tristan
Oh dear God in heaven…
If I wasn’t so completely pissed off that he had the nerve to show up here and interrupt “What Hurts the Most” being mentally performed by Rascal Flatts, they were sounding really great by the way and I was about to reach the point of getting weepy so, really, Jeff showing up and barging in on my private concert fuckin’ ticked me off, but then he threatens to pull me off my horse so he can kick my ass after saying those two things I already know, that I’m a cowardly asshole and that he doesn’t know who I am, both of which are the reasons why I haven’t spoken to him in two goddamned weeks in the first place!
Wait, where the hell was I goin’ with that?
Oh yeah…
If it wasn’t for all that, I’d have probably fallen off my horse in laughter when I saw him coming out to meet me again. Only this time, he isn’t coming on foot. This time, he’s riding the Unicorn…
Yeah, the “Unicorn.” She’s my mom’s baby and probably more spoiled than I am, but she’s become such a goddamned diva that she won’t even answer to her given horse name anymore. So, of course, being that he’s just as masochistic as I am, Neptune luuuuuvs her. Immediately he caught sight of her and before I could recover from my shock of seeing Jeff in time to turn him around, he automatically picked up the pace to get over to her. Even though Amalthea won’t give him the time of day, my horse has always been a sucker for her and her narcissistic ways. It’s kinda sad. I got him for my tenth birthday and I’ve had him ever since he was weaned almost eight years ago when the Unicorn was already seven and pretty much convinced she wasn’t a regular horse. She’s never been anything but a royal bitch to him, but, he still loves her. I think he thinks she’s been playing hard to get and I don’t have the heart to tell him that in her mind, he’ll never amount to anything unless he magically sprouts wings and one-ups her on her mythological existence.
Huh. Maybe I can build him some. Just because I’m probably not having sex ever again doesn’t mean I can’t help my horse get laid, right? Yep! I’m seriously talking about living vicariously through a horse. Jesus, my life is so pathetic…
As Neptune and I got close enough for me to make out Jeff’s expression though, I started to get really irritated again. But I’ll bet Jeff was really fuckin’ confused and then totally fuckin’ pissed when he went through all the Unicorn’s tests so he could get on her only to have to get back off of her again because he realized she won’t leave her stall anymore without wearing her fuckin’ horn. Damn, I would’ve loved to have seen him “court” her…I bet he hated t
hat.
Then it dawned on me why he did it and I had to work hard to unclench my teeth and not steer Neptune away from his crush. I’m not gonna make it easy for him and I really don’t have a whole fuckin’ lot to say, but apparently he does, so I’m gonna give him the hilariously earned courtesy of listening. I only wish Jillian was around to capture some of this on camera. Still shots, video, black and white, color…I don’t give a shit, but Jeff humiliating himself and scared out of his mind because he’s riding a fucking unicorn in full flowered regalia totally bareback and without the benefit of actual reigns is something I think would fetch a nice price on the black market…
The ultimate sucker punch ~ Jeff
So there’s just no fucking way for a guy to look at all cool when he’s riding a unicorn…
It didn’t help my cool factor one bit when Neptune got all giddy and started prancing his way over to meet the fucking fruitcake I’m sitting on. All I could think was, “Oh holy fucking shit! I’m gonna die. That almost one-ton, lovesick demon that Tristan can control but at the moment isn’t, is gonna flirt with this screwball I’m trying to ride but can’t really control, she’s gonna tell him to fuck off by trying to gore him with her fuckin’ fake horn and when that doesn’t work, she’s gonna rear up or kick his ass or something just as equally detrimental to my health, I’m gonna fall off of her and then I’m gonna break my neck and die.”
When I was successful in my bribe to get on her and then she wouldn’t fuckin’ budge, I sat there wondering what the fuck?! Then I saw her horn sitting on a little cushioned shelf and I swore violently—to myself of course. No way was I gonna let her know what I was thinking because I’m sure she probably would’ve thrown me straight away. So I got down, put her goddamned horn on her, remounted, and we were good to go. The problem, of course, is that I completely forgot how irrationally smitten Neptune is with this horse, who, of course, would never even dream of allowing an animal not of her ilk to defile her in any way…physically or socially. As they got closer, mentally I was repeating, “I wanna quit the horse! I wanna quit the horse!” I was also praying. Verbally I was telling the goddamned unicorn how truly majestic and beautiful she is and I was thanking her from the bottom of my heart that she condescended to let me ride her, and asked as sincerely as I could if she could please not throw me off of her and that I’d be forever grateful if she could just tolerate Tristan’s lowly beast for a little bit while I tried to get him to open up. I also threw in just for good measure that Neptune isn’t your average horse. I lied and told her that Merlin the Magician had presented King Arthur with Neptune because he was special, so Arthur rode him in all his great battles, which obviously makes Neptune a decorated war hero, and I rounded out my “biography” by telling her that he was even knighted by Queen Guinevere. Yeah, I know, but get off my fuckin’ back…I’m scared as fuck and that makes people do and say all kinds of desperate shit.
When we finally came to a halt, I took a moment to breathe and tried to calm my nerves, but Tristan appeared totally unconcerned by his horse’s impending rejection and subsequent ass kicking. In fact, I think he’d been sending a fucking text the whole time Neptune was high stepping them over to us because I saw him working his thumb over the keypad and then tuck his phone back in his pocket with a smallish smirk. He let his beast get right in front of my precious little nutcase before he stopped, and then he just raised one of his eyebrows like he was telling me that it’s now “clearly” obvious that I have no business being on his property and that I was getting on his nerves like an annoying gnat. I wasn’t sure if he was more irritated that I hadn’t given up as easily as he’d hoped I would or that he’d missed seeing my debasing struggle to get on Amalthea’s back. Either way, I now have Tristan’s attention and he knows I’m being serious. He also knows I’m putting an assload of trust in his hands in this precarious situation with the horses.
“I’d like to keep the animal cruelty to a minimum here so just say what you came to say and then get off my mom’s unicorn.”
“Best friends are supposed to talk, dude,” I started, ignoring the implication that me riding one of his horses is like subjecting the animal to torture. Shit, the damned horse fuckin’ loved the bouquet I made her and once her horn was on, she was thrilled to canter me around. Animal cruelty my ass. I was, however, not ignoring the proximity of Neptune’s nose to Amalthea’s and her resulting snort of moderate disapproval.
I also couldn’t ignore Tristan’s scathing laughter upon my mentioning best friends. He let his horse move up almost infinitesimally as a means of intimidation, I’m sure, and then, mockingly, he said, “Because you would know so much about what friendship is, right?”
“Yeah, I do. You used to know too, but you turned your back on people who care about you...why?”
“What can I say? I’ve been watching Sesame Street and I think Oscar had it right all along. I think Jim Henson would be pleased to know that through his celebrated work, I’ve embraced my inner grouch.”
Jesus, he’s such an arrogant, sarcastic prick sometimes. Really, I know this is all his way of trying to shut me down because we’re on his turf and he doesn’t wanna be the one to back down, but fuck, he’s hell-bent on making this really goddamned hard on both of us.
I decided that since he wants to play hardball, I’d show him I’m game. “Okay, we’re not friends anymore, whatever, but after almost eighteen years, you can at least tell me why you did it.”
His eyes narrowed for a split second like he was trying to either figure out my angle or if I was being serious about not giving a shit that we aren’t friends anymore. Either that or he wasn’t sure what “it” I was asking about and which one he was gonna address. After all, there is more than one to choose from.
“Good question, how would you answer it?”
Shit. I could practically hear the crowd cheer when he hit that one deep into left field. And I’ll admit he stumped me because I can’t think of anything I’ve done that needs to be explained, so I disregarded his question as being rhetorical and pressed on. This time I went with his favorite though. A specific.
“I gotta know, dude, why’d you break up with her?”
That got me another question answered with a question, but I felt like I was on the right track because both his body language and facial features started to turn dark and forbidding.
“You obviously know why so why bother asking?”
“You loved her. You know it and I know it.” This time I knew I’d hit the perfect button when his eyes went flat and then sharpened into steel, but he didn’t say anything so I hit him again. “You loved her so much you put a fucking permanent declaration of it on your goddamned body. So why, why’d you do it, why’d you break up with her?”
I swear to God the coldness in the wind and the light spattering of rain turned frigid when it mixed with the ice in his tone as he got right along side of me, took the unicorn’s makeshift, blinged-out halter in one hand while maintaining an iron-fisted grip on Neptune with the other and said, “You’re done. You get to walk back.”
The unicorn wasn’t the least bit happy anymore and she started to shift and pull away with her disgruntlement of being so close to a mere horse, but I kept my seat and kept at him, knowing it was the only way to break him.
“Come on, dude, just tell me why you completely broke the heart of the chick you love,” The undisguised rage in his eyes told me he was flammable and what I said next was like pouring gasoline on an already blazing fire, so it was no wonder he reacted the way he did when I maliciously chuckled and doused him but good, “I mean seriously, you really did a fuckin’ number on her…you have to know she cried for days, but you should’ve seen her face when you showed up to that party. Even if she’s just another one of your many leftovers now, I bet the guy she took off with would fuckin’ thank you for making it so easy for him to swoop in and pick up the broken pieces.”
I held my breath and waited for it. He didn’t disappoint either.
Well, not entirely…the stubborn, closed off dickhead.
He moved his horse so close to mine that there wasn’t any space between them and I was fully prepared for him to physically knock me off my ride, which was his intention. But when Amalthea vehemently protested Neptune’s obvious attempt to get familiar with her by biting him on the ass, Tristan gave up his hold on her when his horse reared up a little. The stupid shit wasn’t pissed though…the horse, not Tristan, although he’s a stupid shit too. He took it as some kind of equine request to show off some more. Neptune nickered and strutted in a circle, waiving his tail around like he was a fucking peacock, making a complete spectacle of himself, all to no avail. However, controlling his horse gave Tristan the timely opportunity to control his temper too, which sucks for both of us because that means I have to push him again to get a verbal explosion, which was the whole point of me being so snide about Camie and their breakup.
As Tristan wheeled his horse around to leave me he said, “Game over.”
Game over, huh? Well, not if the unicorn and I have anything to say about it…
I’ll admit it gave me a bit of a rush in the beginning to come after him with the intention of knocking him off his high horse, whether it be figuratively or literally, but having to batter him over and over again, knowing what each blow was doing to him on the inside, wasn’t the least bit amusing and I was starting to consider backing off for a little while. However, right before I gave up, I remembered something he wrote on his whiteboard the last time he wouldn’t talk about his guilt and what was going on…his request for me to beat the shit out of him until he heard me, so, inwardly flinching with each hit, I honored his request…
“You fuckin’ knew breaking up with her like that would fuckin’ completely shatter—”
“Stop!”
It killed me to hear the anguish in that one word but he was so close, I had to keep going. “You knew it would but you didn’t give a shit! You just threw her away!”