by Shannon West
“I’m the one who spent the last hour calming him down and helping him get over a bad panic attack, that’s who the hell I am. Now it’s your turn to step the hell up and realize what you got here in this boy, or else someone will do it for you.”
Okay, there was so much wrong with what he’d just said that my brain had to take a moment to process it. He’d put Kingston to bed and then watched over him. And he just announced to me, as cool as a fucking mountain stream, that I should step up or he’d come after Kingston himself. I snarled at him and had literally pulled back my fist to rearrange his face when he grabbed my wrist out of mid-air.
“Damn it, I said calm down! Your uncle and I have been friends a long time and I don’t want to get into it with you, unless you push this. Like I said, nothing happened here tonight, but that boy needs someone to take care of him before he does something really stupid to himself that you’ll regret for the rest of your life! I’ve seen his cuts, the ones he has on his abs and the ones on the inside of his thighs, and I can tell you he’s not trying to kill himself. He’s just trying to cope. To feel less numb.”
“How the fuck do you know what’s on the inside of his goddamn thighs?” I growled at him, beyond furious that he had knowledge of Kingston that I didn’t have.
“I helped him get ready for bed, Memphis, so stop trying to deflect.” He pushed a big finger into my chest. “This isn’t about me. It’s about your fuck-up, and what the hell you’re going to do about it so you can help that boy in there.”
I flung his hand away from me. “What are you even talking about? A few months ago, he let a half-ass Dom beat him half to death with a cane because he wouldn’t use his safe word. Earlier this evening, he had a razor blade carving up his damn flesh! I took him out of here tonight so he wouldn’t finish the job and so I could watch him to make sure he doesn’t do this again.”
The big cop shook his head. “You can’t solve his problems that way. You can’t watch him twenty-four seven—that’s not even reasonable. I know it seems crazy, but on the job I’ve seen this kind of thing before. This pain he’s seeking is his way of coping with emotional stress, even if it’s hard for you and me to understand. And this is the best he can do, because he doesn’t have any other resources to fall back on. Once he started—and hell, he’s probably been cutting since he was a kid—it became addictive to him and gave him a sense of relief.”
“Relief?” I said, sarcastic as hell. As a Dom, I understood the concept of a sub accepting, even needing pain to get emotional relief—intellectually, that is. But knife play was one of my own hard limits. Hell, I couldn’t even stand the idea of a paper cut.
“The cutting works almost instantly, so it’s reinforcing to him. He does it for an escape or a release of pressure, and you have to understand that. It’s up to you to give him something else to take its place.”
“Me?” I took a step back and just glared at him. “Why the fuck am I involved in this shit?”
“Because you involved yourself already, and I assume you did that on purpose. He already belongs to you or he thinks he does. And because you’re already more than halfway in love with him.”
“You’re crazy,” I said, spitting the words at him, even though I had been thinking along the same lines earlier in my head. “Get the fuck out of my suite.”
“Not until I know you’re going to take care of him like he needs. Like he deserves. On his thighs he had some old scars from where he carved the word ‘Loser’ on them. He said not to worry about that because he did that back when he was twelve years old. Twelve, Memphis. This time who knows? Looked like maybe you stopped him before he finished.”
Shocked, I took a step back. Loser. Christ, that almost killed me. How did a kid think that when they were only twelve years old? There was no way I could explain that away or blame these new marks on his skin on anything other than me and my father taking his spot on the team. The humiliation and pain he had to be feeling to make him carve into his own gorgeous flesh was something I couldn’t even begin to fathom. I guess Ben could see how stunned I was feeling, because he put a hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t look so scared. You have the power to help him—you may be the only one who can help him, because of the way he feels about you.”
I gave a bitter laugh. “He hates my guts.”
“No, he doesn’t. He wants to, but he can’t quite pull it off. From the way he talked about you on the ride over here, I think he admires the hell out of you—your confidence, your ability on the football field. It all looks effortless to him, while meanwhile, he must feel like he’s drowning.”
“Is that what he said?”
“More or less, yeah. Somebody needs to teach him other ways to cope with his emotions.”
“Well, I’m sure as hell not qualified for that.”
“Look, I’m no psychologist either, but I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Both as a cop and as a Dominant. I think this kid is crying out for help. He needs structure and control and yes, discipline. He needs someone to take him out of his own head.”
Ben took his hand away, dug his keys out of his pocket and walked toward the door. He stopped with his hand on the knob. “Don’t blow this, Memphis. Like I said, if you don’t want him, then step aside.”
He closed the door behind him and left me reeling with all he’d said. I moved to the bedroom, wanting to see Kingston for myself, and satisfy the restless, panicked feeling that had been going on inside me since I’d left him on the dance floor. The second I opened the door to his room, I’d known he was awake. “Playing Possum,” was what my granddaddy used to call it. I guess because a possum will pretend to be dead when it’s faced with a situation it doesn't want to deal with. And I had no doubt Kingston didn’t want to deal with me.
I sat down beside him anyway and watched him a while. I’d planned on sitting there just long enough for Kingston to actually fall asleep, then go back to my room and think about packing up and getting out. Despite what Ben had said, I felt like my presence there in his face every day was going to seem like a punishment to him. Just another ordeal he had to endure and then try to get over. One that hurt so much he had to use a razon to carve away the pain, and I didn’t think I could live with that.
But the longer I sat there, the harder it got to leave him. To just walk away. How could I have forgotten how beautiful he was, with his pale skin and that black, curly hair? And those eyelashes fanning down onto his cheeks, some of the longest and thickest I’d ever seen. Besides, both my uncle and that asshole Ben said he needed me. How could I turn away from that? My father and I had helped do this to him. I had to try to make it right again.
He was lying on his back, one hand thrown up over his head, his lips parted. Wearing some loose pants with nothing on underneath, he looked almost too good to be true. In the moonlight coming through the windows, I could see the thin, red marks, and I wanted to run my hands over them and over the muscles on his chest. I wanted to bite those nipples of his until he moaned and cried, then lick them until he began purring with pleasure like a cat. I wanted to suck up a mark on his neck to mark him as mine. The urge was so strong I got out of my seat and leaned over him.
“How long are you going to pretend to be asleep, Kingston?”
He sucked in a shocked breath and his pretty eyes flew open as he glared up at me. “I don’t know,” he said. “How long are you going to be a creeper and watch me pretend-sleep?”
“Not any longer, I guess. I’ve been sitting here watching you and I’ve made a decision.”
“Oh yeah? Well, I’m breathless to hear it.”
I smiled. God he was such a smartass. “Not yet, but you will be. Breathless, that is.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I haven’t changed my mind. I intend to do whatever I have to in order to keep you safe.”
Kingston’s mouth fell open and he gasped, narrowing his eyes in anger. “So you admit it’s nothing but blackmail?”
Mad as hell, he sat up and threw back the cover to jump out of bed. I pushed him back down. “Stay still and listen to me. I’m going to make you a one-time good deal.”
“What the hell are you talking about? What kind of good deal?”
“I have no intentions of telling my dad and more importantly, I don’t have any intention of telling your parents that you’re cutting yourself again. Yeah, again, because Ben told me about the scars on your thighs. But I still want you to agree to be my sub. And I’ll do whatever I need to do to make that happen.”
God, the look on his face seared me to the bone. It was one-part anger but the rest was all fear. Sheer terror at the idea of submitting to me. His already pale face drained to paper white, and he was speechless for a minute or two. “T-that would never work.”
I had come this far—I had to keep going. “I think it would. You may not believe it, but I’m doing this out of concern for you,” I said as he snorted in disbelief. “I can tell you it’s for your own good and explain that I’m afraid you’ll really hurt yourself one day—get an infection from the cuts or do serious damage to yourself. Not to mention disfiguring your body.” I shrugged. “Or you’ll go find some unscrupulous so-called Dom somewhere and let him kill you. But I know you won’t believe a word I’m saying. So here’s my offer. Submit to me and I’ll quit the team.”
“Quit? Are you crazy?”
“I don’t think so. It’s that important to me, and I don’t know any other way to show you how serious I am about helping you. I’ll quit right now, and you can have your spot back—if you’ll agree.”
“And how would that work? Seeing as how I hate your guts and wish I’d never met you.”
“I know you like to say you do. And maybe part of you does. But I think part of you thinks you may not be able to live without me.”
“You’re crazy!”
“Maybe I am. But I think it’s true, and I think you know it is. Especially after the way you danced with me tonight.”
His face flamed and he turned it to the wall. “I knew you’d throw that up to me,” he managed to choke out. “I-I was just tired, that’s all. I wasn’t thinking. I was confused. I…” He turned back to glare at me and spit out the words. “Damn it, it meant nothing.”
“What meant nothing? The way you laid your head on my shoulder and nuzzled into my neck? Or how stiff your cock got?”
He made a funny little sound of outrage and swung at me then, and I caught his hand, but only with some difficulty. He was strong, and I’d embarrassed him. We both needed to face what was between us, though, even if it gave both of us uncomfortable feelings. He might not ever be able to get past who I was, and if so, we’d deal with that when we came to it. But we were a long way away from that. Right now, he needed to give in and submit to me and admit that there was something happening between us. He had to let me assert my Dominance over him because he needed my help with what he was doing to himself. I was pretty sure he wanted to let me help him, and if I had to prove his own feelings about that to him, then I would. The only way I knew how.
I wasn’t any damn head doctor, and I might screw him up even worse than he already was. But I had to try. I had to do what came instinctively to me as a Dom and see if it worked. Doms weren’t exactly known for coddling their subs and telling them how wonderful they were. I thought people had been doing that to Kingston all his life and that may have been why he was in such bad shape now. All that praise was a lot to live up to. As a Dom, I had a duty to take care of him and do what I thought was best for him. Because I couldn’t stand to see pain in those eyes that I hadn’t put there. Pain I intended to love away again.
I pushed his hand over his head and leaned in, my face only inches above his. His eyes got wide and wild and his breathing was more like gasping. His chest was literally heaving. I wanted badly to tame that wildness in him, to soothe and comfort those confused feelings raging inside him. So, I did the only thing I knew to do. Reaching for him with my free hand, I clasped the back of his neck and pulled him up to meet my kiss.
His eyes got even stormier as he watched me leaning in and I saw him realize I was about to kiss him. But at the same time, he did absolutely nothing to stop me. I brushed my lips over his parted ones, once and then again. Then I looked down at him to see if he wanted to tell me to stop. He never made a word of protest. I leaned in again to taste him.
God, his lips were so soft and his breath so sweet. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to slip my tongue inside those plump lips of his and sweep gently inside to explore. He made no effort to resist or move away so I let go of his hands. The first thing he did was to grab onto my shirt front but instead of jerking me away, he pulled me closer to him. I resisted for about a half a second, staring down into those gorgeous eyes of his, looking once again for some sign of resistance and not seeing any at all. His pupils were blown, and I could feel the soft stubble on his cheeks and the strength in those hands, but he wasn’t trying to get away. Just the opposite.
Covering his hands with my own, I lowered my lips to his again and I heard a whimper come from deep inside his throat. He sighed sweetly in my mouth and clutched me even tighter. He needn’t have worried. I had no intention of going anywhere anytime soon. I needed to get closer to him, so I climbed onto the bed and stretched out over him. My cock was probably digging into him by that point and he got a little panicky.
“No, please!” he cried out, his eyes registering alarm. I nipped gently at his lips again.
“Shh…I’m only going to hold you. I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want. Do you trust me?”
A crazy question since he’d just told me he hated me, but to my surprise, he nodded, biting that plump lower lip. “No…I mean, yes,” he breathed softly, and I kissed him again to reward him as he shivered and moaned. “You feel so good,” he said, grinding into me a little. “You shouldn’t feel this good. I-I don’t know how to do this.”
“I do.”
Then, so softly I could barely hear him, he said, “Kiss me again.” That sounded a little too much like an order, and I arched an eyebrow and looked down at him.
“Please,” he whispered, and I smiled and nodded.
He’d learn that he wasn’t the one controlling any of this, but at the moment I was too happy about his eagerness to argue about it. This time when my mouth met his, he moaned aloud and grabbed my tongue with his lips and sucked it into his mouth. It was another small bid for control, but I didn’t stop him. It felt too sweet, and I was too happy at this sign that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Instead I ground my hips into his again, pleased by the way he groaned and pushed up into me. He squirmed beneath me and started shoving at his waistband. I was surprised, but I helped him open his pants and shoved my hand inside to meet his eager cock. Wrapping my hand around it, I gave it a gentle squeeze and his eyes rolled back in his head. “More,” he groaned and he tried to thrust up into my hand, spreading his legs wider in invitation.
“No, Kingston, not yet,” I said, and gave him another gentle squeeze before pulling my hand away.
He flushed and tried to turn his head again, but I cupped his chin and made him look at me. “No, don’t turn away from me. And don’t be embarrassed. You’re beautiful, and I do want you, but we need to take things slow. We need to talk about things first.”
I could see I’d hurt his feelings, because his cheeks were pink and he started trying to push himself back in his pants, but I wouldn’t let him. Not quite yet. Instead I pulled him over on his side and popped his ass just once. He looked at me in shock, and I smiled do
wn at him. I hadn’t hurt him, but he’d felt the slightest bit of sting. “You need to learn to let me make the decisions now for both of us. That’s going to be hard for you to do, I know, so we need to talk about it. I told you what I’m willing to do. What about you? Are you willing to try?”
He tried to pull away again, but I was just that much stronger than he was, that I was able to hold him in place. He managed to turn so he could glare up at me. “I won’t let you boss me around.”
“Why is that, Kingston?”
“I…huh?”
“Why are you so resistant to someone else being in charge?”
“I’m not! Everybody tells me what to do! I listen to my coach, to my professors, to every damn person who wants a piece of me! I do whatever they say, and I try! I try so hard to make them all proud even though it’s killing me!”
“Well,” I said softly in his ear. “Aren’t you special?”
Chapter Five
Kingston
“What?” I know the shock I was feeling must have shown on my face even in the dim moonlight coming through the window. No one had ever talked to me like that. Not after I told them how much pressure I was under. Since my position had been taken away from me, the whole campus had rallied behind me. Almost the whole team. Now here was this arrogant ass, who had it all—a man who was everything I wasn’t! And he was making fun of me? Oh hell, no.
I scowled at him. “You don’t know me! You don’t know shit.”
“Oh, I know you. I know you feel guilty about your success because deep down you don’t think you deserve it. You hate that other people think you’re so smart and so good at what you do, because it’s too much pressure to live up to. You hate being such a strong player, because you know the fans will expect you to keep succeeding. To keep doing more and more. And it takes effort to do all that, doesn’t it? It takes guts to put yourself out there every week and know that the whole team is relying on you. Not to mention all the fans. Hell, yeah, it’s stressful. Anything worth doing is! But deep down, where it counts, you’re terrified that someone will find out your secret.”