by Rose, Dahlia
After she went through the sterilization process she walked over to Lilah’s incubator that was in the area of the room designated for healthier children. Lilah lay there kicking tiny hands and legs that were filling out as she gained weight. Grace swore her baby knew exactly when she got there because of the small angry cry that escaped. It was her “feed me” cry. Grace was allowed to breast feed her now, and she looked forward to it. She was glad she kept pumping her milk to keep the production going. She loved the bond it formed with her daughter. It was two days before Christmas and the decorations and Christmas stencils on the intensive care ward walls gave it some cheer. Still, like every parent there, she wished her baby was home with her when Christmas morning came.
“Hey, honey pie,” Grace crooned. “Mommy’s here, and your presents will stay under the tree till you come home. The tree and every decoration will also stay up so you’ll have your first Christmas.”
“She’s doing so well,” the nurse said as Grace got settled in the rocking chair and was handed the baby.
“I bet she is,” Grace said as she took her. “I brought you a blanket, baby. Mommy made it just for you.”
“She’s hungry so I’ll let you feed her. Oh, and Dr. Malone wants to talk to you,” the nurse said.
Grace’s heart started to beat faster. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is great. He just told me to let him know when you came in,” the nurse said.
Grace sat back and got Lilah onto her nipple for her to begin nursing. She smiled as the baby sucked hungrily and placed her tiny hand on the globe of her breast while looking up at her. She didn’t know how a heart could feel so much love and not burst. Looking down at her daughter, Grace felt all her worries fall away. Her mother, Matthew’s attitude, none of that mattered because Lilah was happy and healthy.
She saw Matthew come in and she met his gaze. His eyes traveled from her face to where Lilah suckled, and his nose flared before he quickly looked away. Something flickered in her belly, more intense than she had ever felt before. Did he find her attractive? Grace covered her breast quickly with the soft burp cloth as he strode over.
“How is she today?” he asked. Grace noticed that he tried to look everywhere but directly at her.
“The nurse said she was doing wonderfully, but Dr. Malone wants to talk to me, and I’m worried,” Grace answered.
“Should I leave?” Matthew asked.
She looked at him quickly and with surprise. “Why would you? You’ve been here every day with me.”
“You said the doctor wanted to talk to you, so maybe I wasn’t included. I didn’t want to presume,” he replied.
“What’s going on with you?” Grace asked. “Do you need to go back to the ranch and feel like we’re keeping you here? I can get around by myself, Matthew. We’re not a ball and chain around your leg.”
“You would think that.” Matthew shook his head. “I’m fine, business is fine. I don’t need to be anywhere. Don’t worry about it. Focus on Lilah.”
“I am, but as a friend I’m worried about you too,” Grace added.
His eyes darkened, but he said nothing, and before she could question him again, Dr. Malone came in and made his way over to her. He was a tall, thin man with wire-rimmed glasses. Looking at him made you think professor or librarian not pediatric doctor, but she’d learned over the last few weeks that he was one of the gentlest, most knowledgeable, caring men that you could ever want to treat your child.
“Hi, Grace. How is the little firecracker today?” Dr. Malone teased. He’d given Lilah the nickname because of her angry cries when she wanted to be fed or changed.
“She’s drinking strong today.” Graced beamed. “You wanted to talk to me?”
“Yes, I do. How would you like to take your baby home?” Dr. Malone asked.
Grace gasped, and tears filled her eyes instantly. “Really? She’s not five pounds yet. Will she be okay? I can take her…now?”
Dr. Malone laughed. “One question at a time. You can take her home tomorrow afternoon for Christmas Eve. I want one more night of monitoring her just as a precaution. But every one of her vitals have been holding steady for days now.”
“I’d hug you if I could, but I’m holding my precious bundle.” Grace couldn’t help but grin.
“I’ll do it for you.” Matthew grabbed the doctor in an embrace and clapped him hard on the back, making the thin man cough just a bit. “Thanks, Doc. You have made her Christmas miracle come true.”
“Now, she’ll have to come in weekly so we can monitor her weight gain, growth, and look for problems,” Dr. Malone warned. “But I don’t foresee her doing anything but continuing to be a healthy, active baby.”
“Whatever needs to be done,” Grace agreed readily.
“Well, I’ll let you have your time with her. I have no doubt you’ll be here bright and early to pick her up,” Dr. Malone said with a laugh.
“You’ll be lucky to get me to leave,” Grace teased.
Dr. Malone laughed and patted her shoulder before he left. Grace tried to persuade her racing heart to slow. Nothing was better than hearing she could take her baby home. If someone offered her the stars from the sky, not even that would compare to knowing her daughter would be home with her soon. Matthew looked as happy as she did even though she still saw turmoil in his eyes. He sat with her as she cared for Lilah and when asked if he wanted to hold her, he nodded. He held the baby who was still tiny at four pounds, three ounces like she was made of spun glass. It seemed much too soon when it was time for them to leave. Grace couldn’t help but kiss the baby’s tiny head repeatedly and vowed to be back as soon as she could in the morning to get her. Grace thought how lucky it was that she had already bought the car seat unit from online. Now she needed a car so she and Lilah could get to her various doctor appointments. She wanted to make sure Lilah never missed one.
“Can we still go by a car dealer and look around? I looked it up and there is a Carmax outlet close by Southern Hills,” Grace said when she climbed into his SUV and got her seat belt fastened.
“I told you, Grace, use one of the cars in the garage. It’s fine,” he practically growled.
“I understand, and thank you, but I’d prefer to own what I drive,” Grace answered. “Also, since Grace is coming home, I can start working in the office and earn what you advanced me. Josef has been giving purchase orders, and I’ve been filling them from the computer at the house, but it will be nice to go into the office and see the filing system and get used to everything. I can put Lilah in the carrier and bring her into the office with me.”
“Fine.”
That was it. One terse word and he drove silently toward the car place she had requested. There, he stood back as she picked a vehicle she liked. Grace decided on a small, silver SUV manufactured by Nissan and made arrangements to have it delivered early the next day. All this was done without any input from Matthew who just stood around and did things on his cell phone.
After all arrangements were made and paperwork filled out, they got back into his vehicle, and he pulled away from the car dealer and headed for home. The ride was tension-filled and so thick she felt like she could cut it with a knife. Finally, the ranch came into view, and she breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled up to the house she now called home. She got out but didn’t close the door. Matthew sat behind the wheel staring ahead and saying nothing.
“Do you want me to leave? Are you regretting the offer you made of us living here?” she asked bluntly. “It’s your home. If you want me to leave, just say so.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” he said, but still didn’t meet her gaze.
“Then you’re crazy and this is some sort of bipolar melt down because I have no clue what’s the matter with you,” she said and slammed the door before walking up the steps of the verandah.
She heard his door slam and when she turned, he was right there. His long strides had eaten up the space between them.
“
What do you see when you look at me?” Matthew demanded.
“I see a nice guy who has a heart of gold and who cares about his best friend’s baby enough to give her the things he did not. I see a good—”
“If you say friend I’m going to kick the car tire or something,” he said.
“Well, you are a good friend. What the hell is wrong with that?” Grace challenged.
He grabbed her shoulder. “The fact that I look at you and don’t see a friend may have something to do with it. The fact that I go to sleep and wake up thinking about you is another issue. I look at Lilah and think Lance was a jerk and an idiot for giving up two perfect beings in this world. I look at you and all I can think about is kissing you, and I’m going to.”
He didn’t give her a chance to pull away or even say a word. But did she really want to pull away? When his lips met hers in such fierce passion, Grace sank into the kiss like it was the best tasting dessert she’d ever had, and it was. Matthew tasted like everything manly. His cologne and the feel of his arms around her only heightened the sensations. He teased her mouth open with his tongue, and she gave him entry with a small moan of submission. He invaded the sweet cavern of her mouth until she was dizzy from the sensation.
“Give me your tongue,” he demanded against her lips.
Her stomach clenched in delight at the demand, and when he kissed her again she did as he requested. This time, it was his moan that reached her ears as she sank her tongue into his mouth and tasted him deeper. He molded her against him, and Grace enjoyed each sensation until her mother’s words calling her a whore filtered in and she pushed him away harshly.
“So, what? This is how you want payback? I’m not even three weeks post baby and it’s time to work off my debt?” Grace was breathing harshly as he stared at her.
“What?” Matthew asked confused, and then the reality of what she was saying hit him and she watched his face become hard as stone. “Tell me you’re not accusing me of what I think you are because you were kissing me right back.”
“It seems to me that you want to take over where Lance left off. ” Grace knew she was being cruel, but fear and confusion made her continue, emboldened. “I thought you were nothing like him but, hey, you were best friends. You probably shared the same perversions. So let’s hear it. What do I need to do to make sure me and my daughter stay in good? Is there a clause in the contracts where we lose everything if I don’t warm your bed?”
Matthew stepped back and ran his hands through his hair. Grace almost wished she could take it all back, but the look in his eyes told her she’d gone too far. He pointed his finger and opened his mouth to speak and then closed it. He leaned against the car, and she could see his body moving as he took long shuddering breaths. He turned and walked back to her and when he spoke she could hear him trying to restrain the hurt in his voice.
“I’m not a saint, but God knows I’m not the sinner Lance was,” he said. His voice was gritty with emotion. “Do I want you? Yes, hell yes. I’m not ashamed to say it. Do I look at your baby girl Lilah and wish she was my own? Again, hell yes, and I vowed to be everything she needed in a father figure that she would never find in Lance. But to have you accuse me of being just like him, to want you to work off a debt in my bed, I refuse…I refuse to even entertain that kind of judgment against me because of the shit he did. There is no clause in the contracts. They are airtight on your side. I can understand you were hurt, not just by Lance but by your mother and probably your whole life, but I’ll be damned if I take their sins as mine or your accusations to the fact.”
He took a deep breath, and his voice now held no emotion. “You’re safe here, Grace, and you can stay as long as you want to. I’m hardly here anyway. Again, you and Lilah will lack for nothing, and I hope you allow me to be in her life as a substitute father or uncle. But you won’t have to worry about me wanting you, and you won’t need to feel uncomfortable in my presence. I can control myself, trust me. It’s easy.”
He turned to leave, and Grace felt so horrible that she called out to him. “Matthew.”
But he never looked back. He continued walking toward the lights of the main house, passing by his car, and leaving the keys in the ignition. For him to leave his car like that, Grace knew she had really hurt him when she accused him of being like Lance or the people in her life who had caused her to be miserable. She called herself every kind of fool, bitch, and idiot as she went inside. She repaid him by being the worst kind of person, lashing out at him when he deserved nothing more than love. The same love he was offering her and Lilah.
She vowed to make it up to him, to go to the main house the very next day and beg for his forgiveness and apologize. Then they’d talk, about their feelings, about life, Lilah, and everything so they both knew where they stood. But in the morning she was too late. She went up to the main house only to see Josef frowning and taking a packet that was left on the swing. Inside was a note and keys. The note read that the ranch would run smoothly as usual, and in his absence Josef was in charge. It also said that she should have a copy of the keys to the office and the main house. He’d gone back to New York for Christmas even when everyone on the ranch knew he had wanted to spend the holidays at the ranch this year. She’d insulted and hurt him so badly that she managed to chase him away from his own home. You suck big time, Grace Reid, she said to herself as she went back to her house. She’d wrecked something wonderful in a few minutes and, for the first time, she understood that the pattern she’d let control her life for so long caused her not to recognize something finally good in her life. Realizing that he wouldn’t be there to welcome Lilah home from the hospital, her stomach dropped, and she felt even worse.
Chapter Six
Grace picked up Lilah on Christmas Eve alone. Matthew’s absence didn’t go unnoticed by the staff that had been accustomed to seeing him every day. She explained it off as an emergency business trip. It’s not like she could tell them she made a giant mess of things and caused him to leave his own home on the holidays, a home that held wonderful memories of times past, so much so that he continued to decorate it like his parents did long before. Guilt ate at her as she listened carefully to the directions the nurses and Dr. Malone gave her when taking Lilah home and what signs of trouble she should look for.
They made an appointment for the next week, which would be New Year’s Eve, and then she left with Lilah carefully strapped into her car seat and covered with a blanket to protect her from the winter chill that was taking hold of Nevada. In the area of Southern Hills where the Ryder Ranch was located snow was not out of the question, but it was rare. Like Georgia, in Nevada if it snowed, she wanted to be snug and secure at home.
She oftentimes found her mind wandering, thinking about Matthew and how much she was missing him and his company. She didn’t understand how she could miss a person so much. One kiss turned everything upside down. She felt things for him that no other man had elicited. Instead of facing her feelings or talking to him about it, she went bat shit crazy and accused the one person who cared about her and her baby of the stupidest things. So now she was enjoying the well being of Lilah and the holidays alone, and it bit rocks.
“Well, let’s get you inside and fed, little princess,” Grace murmured when she stopped and parked the car in front of the house.
Josef walked over with a smile as she unloaded the car seat. “Is this the little bambina?”
“Yes, you want to take a peek?” Grace asked, glad to share her miracle with anyone.
“Yes, ma’am,” Josef said and followed her up the steps to her house. He opened the door for her, and she set the car seat on the sofa and took the blanket off to reveal her baby girl.
“Look at this beauty.”
Grace puffed up with pride. “She is, isn’t she?”
“Mr. Ryder called to check in on you to see if you got home with the little one okay,” Josef commented. “It was very unusual for him to leave at this time of year.”
“
It’s my fault, and it’s complicated,” Grace admitted.
“I understand, but Mr. Ryder is a very good man,” Josef said. “Mr. Lance—God rest his soul—was not so much, and Mr. Ryder, Matthew, looked past a lot of things with that one. But I see the way he looks at you, Miss Grace, and how he talked about the little one here. He is the kind of man who sticks, like my wife would say.”
“I know, and I messed up,” Grace said. “But he…it caught me off guard and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Matthew is stubborn, but he’ll soften up. Send him picture of the baby, and you’ll see how fast he comes running home. He hates the city, so any reason for him to come back to where he loves is a good one,” Josef said. “Now my wife said you should come over for Christmas dinner with us tomorrow and not to take no for an answer. We live on the other side of the ranch.”
Grace nodded, feeling welcomed and relieved not to be alone on Christmas day. “Thank you. What time should we be there?”
“We sit down at three. My sons will be there. Come with an empty stomach. My wife cooks way too much.” Josef smiled. “You’ll have leftovers too. I’m certain of it.”
“I won’t say no,” Grace said. “Thank you again, Josef, and also for the invite.”
“Don’t you worry, Miss Grace, you’re family now. See you tomorrow.” Josef turned and put his hat on as he left her home.
He gave her a lot to think about, and she did so while caring for Lilah that evening. On impulse, she put a tiny Santa hat on the baby and swaddled her in a red blanket before laying her on the blanket she made under the tree. She took some pictures with her cell phone and sent them to Matthew’s phone with the words, “Look what Santa left for Christmas.” His reply back was, “She is amazing. Thank you for the pictures.” That was it. She didn’t know what else to say except, “I’m sorry, Matthew” and she never got a reply to that. Grace knew it would be hard for him to forgive her. He was never cold, but she could feel the distance that went past him being hundreds of miles away.