Strong, blunt-ended fingers were no longer teasing, they were arousing. “Obviously you’ve been hanging around the wrong sort of people.”
“Obviously.” How was it possible for him to make her full of desire again so quickly after satisfying her so completely? He was a magician. But she had already known that.
Ellis Carlisle made her want to open up her heart and declare the love she felt for him. He had already proclaimed his love for her and had even hinted at something more permanent. He talked about possibly moving to Coalsburg and how Trevor needed a mother. He whispered “I love you” in the heat of passion or during walks with Trevor through acres of trees. He hinted about a future that not only contained her, but her father as well.
She was on the verge of the biggest risk of her life, but she was scared to take that final step. Love, to her, was a personal thing to be clutched against her heart and held as a secret. Once the words were spoken it gave the other person power. Ellis couldn’t hurt her if she didn’t hand him her heart. She had been hurt so many times in the past that she was more than a little gun-shy. She was terrified of being abandoned again. Everyone she had ever loved left her. Everyone, that is, except Thomas. A shiver shook her body.
“Cold?” Ellis’s hands briskly rubbed her back and hauled her closer to his warmth.
“Someone must have walked over my grave.” It was a simple cliché, an easy answer. Tennyson had been wrong when he said, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Alfred, Lord Tennyson had obviously never been abandoned in some old gas station by his parents when he was four years old.
At night sometimes she could still feel the terror. She couldn’t remember what her parents had looked like, or even their names. She couldn’t remember the gas station or even what the ladies’ room had looked like. But she could remember the terror of being alone, huddled up in the corner, too scared to even cry. She had known then and there that her parents weren’t coming back. She hadn’t been good enough for them to keep.
Being shuffled through foster home after foster home had only reinforced her beliefs that she had never been good enough. No one wanted her, at least no one wanted her for long. Thomas and Julia St. Claire’s love and patience with her had helped ease her fears, but not erase them. She was still waiting for the day when Thomas announced that he had changed his mind—that she wasn’t good enough to be his daughter any longer.
It was an unreasonable fear. She knew it was irrational, but that didn’t make the fear go away. She had been the one to call a halt to the relationships with her two previous lovers. Both had started to hint about the future and she had panicked. It had been better to break it off early, before things went too far, than to be abandoned later when they discovered she wasn’t good enough to be a wife.
What she felt for Ellis was different. Her love for him was stronger, more intense. She didn’t have the courage to send him on his way. She wanted to put her faith in him and take the risk.
“Sydney,” Ellis’s voice was a low purr rumbling against the top of her head. “What’s wrong?”
She lifted her head and stared down at his handsome face. The risk pulled at her heart but she couldn’t say the words. At least not yet. Maybe tomorrow they would come. “Wrong? There’s nothing wrong, Ellis.”
She could feel the hardening of his body as her breasts brushed his chest. Her breath quickened as his arousal grazed her thigh. Ellis wanted her again. A smile tugged at her lips as she straddled his hips, catching him by surprise. This time when they made love she wanted to be the one in control. She needed to be in control.
Her mouth teased the corner of his as she wiggled her hips and caused him to groan. The sensitive peaks of her breasts brushed his chest as her fingers trembled against his cheeks.
Ellis pulled his mouth away from hers and dragged in a ragged breath. “Tell me what you want, Sydney.”
“You.” She nipped at his lower lip. “I want to make love to you, Ellis.” Her tongue stroked where her teeth had just nipped. “Will you let me?” She could feel his arousal pressing against her opening. All she had to do was slip down a few inches and he would fill her.
Ellis’s hands clutched at her hips and positioned her to receive him. A radiant smile broke across his face. “As often as you like.”
She wiped that smile off his face as she lowered herself onto him and slowly rotated her hips. This time she would be the one controlling their journey to the brink and deciding when they would go over.
Sometime deep in the night, Ellis reached down and pulled the blanket back up and over them. Sydney didn’t so much as flinch. He didn’t blame her. He could barely move, either, after the marathon of loving Sydney had taken them on.
He tucked the blanket up under her chin and pulled her into his arms. Her body was warm and pliable as it melted in perfection against his own. A frown pulled at his mouth as he stared up at the ceiling: There had been a different element added to the second time they had made love. Sydney had added the element, and if he wasn’t mistaken, it had been desperation.
Why would she feel desperate? He was the one feeling anxious. Sydney hadn’t once told him that she loved him. She hadn’t once hinted at the future beyond Graystone’s test results. His gut was telling him he was losing her, and he didn’t know why. She had demons eating at her soul, but until she shared those demons with him his hands were tied. He didn’t know what the demons were, so he hadn’t a clue as to how to slay them for her.
His arms tightened around her and his frown deepened. It was a long time before he succumbed to the oblivion of sleep.
Trevor laughed as the little train chugged its way around the figure-eight track laid out on the kitchen floor, “You should see it, Thomas, the giraffes are bobbing their heads and the elephants’ trunks go up and down.”
Thomas grinned. “That’s what Georgette said they would do. What about the monkeys in their car? Are they swinging back and forth?”
“Yes!” Trevor lay down next to the track and peered into each car as the train went past his nose. “There are two clowns waving from the...” Trevor looked at his father for help.
Ellis smiled and willingly supplied the word his son was looking for. “Caboose. The last car on a train is always the caboose.”
Sydney sat back against the wall and watched as the brightly colored circus train made its way around once more. Every time the lion’s car crossed the intersection where the two tracks overlapped, there was a roar. It was a wonderful train filled with jungle animals made all the more special because her father had been the one to buy it for Trevor.
He had picked up the train set this afternoon while he was in town visiting his friends at the police station. Pete and Harvey had accompanied Thomas to the Two-By-Two shop where he had made the selection with Georgette’s help.
Trevor reached over and pressed the button near the on/off switch. The sound of the train’s whistle filled the room.
“Do you see the tiger, son?” Ellis leaned down and pointed to the black-caged car near the rear of the train.
“Yeah, Thomas, the tiger goes around and around inside his cage.” Trevor’s voice held nothing but awe.
“Like a top?” Thomas leaned forward on the wooden chair. He looked about as excited as Trevor.
“No, no. He’s, he’s...what’s he doing, Dad?”
“He’s pacing.”
Ellis ruffled his son’s hair and turned to Thomas. “This was some surprise, Thomas. Are you sure Trevor thanked you enough?”
“Three big bear hugs more than covered it.” Thomas chuckled. “I wanted to give Trevor something special to remember us by.”
Sydney heard the touch of sadness in her father’s voice. He was going to miss Trevor, and probably Ellis too, when they returned home. She felt Ellis’s stare, but refused to meet his gaze. He was still giving her the space she had requested, but he wasn’t easing up on the courtship. In fact, he was growing more persistent with every day
.
Cindy and a couple of her other employees had a pool going as to when Ellis would be popping the big question. No one had even thought about if she would accept or not. It was painfully obvious that she was in love with him, and his son. Trevor spent more time with her at the nursery during the day than he did with his own father and Thomas. She not only enjoyed his company, but the thousands of questions that accompanied him. His endless questions made her think and his indisputable love of flowers made her appreciate their wonder all over again. Trevor had not only brought joy back into their house, he had brought it back to the nursery. Employees no longer talked in hushed tones whenever she was around. Laughter could be heard from the employees as they went about their day. She was once again enjoying her work.
She didn’t want to lose Ellis, or his love, but she didn’t know how to ask him to stay.
The ringing of the phone pulled her off the floor, away from her depressing thoughts. “I’ll get it.”
Ellis gave her a concerned look before kneeling down and showing Trevor how to make the train go backward.
Sydney grabbed the phone on its third ring. “Hello, St. Claire residence.” She glanced at Ellis and silently prayed. “Yes, he’s here. Whom shall I say is calling?” She already knew the answer, but asked away. “One moment, please.”
Ellis glanced at her over Trevor’s head. She knew instantly when he figured out who was on the phone. His hand, holding the instruction booklet, started to tremble and his gaze shot to Trevor.
She held out the phone, and softly said, “It’s the lab.”
Ellis slowly got to his feet and took the phone. “This is Ellis Carlisle.”
She would have stepped away and given him some privacy, but his hand stopped her. Ellis’s trembling fingers clutched at hers as if she were his anchor. She reached out and wrapped her second hand around their already gripping hands.
Ellis faced the wall and mumbled, “I see.” Then there was a series of, “Yes, yes,” and another, “yes.”
Sydney’s glance was riveted on Trevor, who had picked up on the vibrations and was staring at his father’s back. She couldn’t tell anything by Ellis’s voice.
Ellis ended the conversation with, “Yes, of course. I’ll be in touch. Thank you very much for everything.” Ellis leaned his forehead against the wall and held out the phone to her.
She replaced the receiver in its cradle and waited. Trevor waited. Thomas waited. Everyone was waiting for Ellis to say something, and the longer it took him to turn around the tighter her stomach got. It had to be bad news.
“Ellis?” Her hand lightly touched his shoulder.
A heavy sigh shook his body before he turned around. Tears were streaming down his face as he gazed at his son.
She felt her stomach twist into one big endless knot. Dear Lord, there wasn’t a match. The breath she once valued as her life support locked in her throat. What in the world were they going to do now?
She started to reach out for Ellis only to falter. A huge grin was splitting his face. His words confirmed her every hope. “It’s a match.”
Trevor looked confused and unsure. “What match?”
Ellis reached for his son and spun him around in circles. “We found a match, Trev. You’re going to get that transplant.”
Trevor’s little arms locked around his father’s neck.
Sydney leaned against the wall as tears ran like rivers down her face. Arthur Graystone matched! Trevor now had something called hope. She wiped at the tears and watched as Ellis and Trevor hugged each other. Trevor really wasn’t understanding what was happening. He was only reacting to his father’s joy. But that was okay. Everything was okay.
Ellis lowered his son to the floor and swept her into his arms. His mouth grazed the side of her neck as he squeezed the living tar out of her. “He matched, Sydney! Graystone matched!”
She returned his hug with one of her own. “So I heard, Ellis. So I heard.”
Ellis continued to tremble within her arms. She didn’t mind. She didn’t mind one little bit She glanced over at Trevor, who had climbed up on her father’s lap. Her father was hugging the little boy for all he was worth. The loving scene brought more tears to her eyes.
Within minutes there were all gathered around Thomas’s chair hugging one another and crying. It took several more minutes before everyone calmed down enough to actually talk.
Thomas broke the silence. “Well, Ellis, what’s the next step?” Trevor was still protectively on his lap, being wrapped in his warm embrace. Sydney remembered that embrace and the sense of security it had brought her. Now she leaned back into Ellis and felt the same sense of protection.
Ellis’s hand was warm against her hip as he pulled her closer. “Now the really hard part begins.”
Sydney glanced up at the moon and smiled. She couldn’t help but smile. She had been smiling all evening, ever since they received word that Arthur Graystone was able to be a donor. Ellis had explained about the next procedure and the actual transplant in calm, sensible words that wouldn’t frighten Trevor. She had read in between the words and knew the next step wasn’t going to be a picnic. But Trevor’s best chance at conquering the disease was a transplant, so a transplant he would get.
“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are in the moonlight?” Ellis squeezed her hand and continued to walk the path through the acres of trees.
“No, we haven’t actually been under the moonlight a lot.” She moved closer to him and pressed her head against his shoulder. His compliment was sweet, but she wasn’t going to hold him to it. Tonight, of all nights, he would compliment a toad if one should happen to hop across his path. His rose-colored glasses were definitely on.
Ellis pulled her closer and stopped. “We can change that, Syd?”
“Change what?” She studied his face, all shadowy in the moonlight. A new note had crept into his voice. She couldn’t pinpoint what emotion it was.
“Walks in the moonlights.” His hand grazed her cheek.
“You want to walk in the moonlight more often?”
“Yes, every night should do it.”
She shook her head and softly chuckled. “Every night?” Ellis was more of a dreamer than she had originally thought. “How do you propose that one?”
“Marry me.” Strong arms tugged her closer. “If we were married, we could walk in the moonlight every night.”
Marry me! Good Lord, Ellis had just asked her to marry him! She started to shake her head, only he stopped her with a frown.
“I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to take on Trevor’s illness, but at least now there’s a good chance for a cure.”
“What does Trevor’s illness have to do with my marrying you or not?” She was getting a funny little feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“It should have everything to do with your answer, Sydney.” Ellis brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed the center of her palm. “My son is part of me and his illness touches every aspect of our lives. I love you and I know that you love me even if you have never said the words to me. I can see it in your eyes and feel it in your touch.” Ellis stared into her eyes. “I would understand your hesitancy in...”
“Wait a minute. Do you think I wouldn’t marry you because of Trevor?” That funny little feeling just turned sour.
“It has crossed my mind.”
“Well uncross it, Carlisle.” She yanked her hand out of his and glared. “How can you say that you love me when you obviously think so little of me?”
“I’m getting the feeling that you are about to turn down my proposal, Sydney. If Trevor isn’t the reason, what is?”
She turned away from Ellis and studied the darkened silhouettes of the trees against the night sky. This was it. This was when she either had to take the risk of loving Ellis, or push him away. If she pushed him away, he would think she was doing it because of Trevor and that would be too cruel. A weary sigh escaped her throat as she jammed her hands deep into the pockets of he
r jeans. “I don’t know who I am, Ellis.”
“Are you referring to you being adopted?”
No, I’m referring to me being abandoned. “I guess you could say that.” She felt Ellis move closer to her, but she still didn’t turn around. “I don’t know my real last name. I don’t know who my natural parents were.” A broken little cry melted into her words. “I don’t even know which part of the country I’m from.”
Ellis reached out and stroked her shoulders. “If the answers to those questions mean so much to you, Syd, I could help you find them.”
She was amazed at the simplicity and straightforwardness of his reply. He would help her learn the answers to the questions. Thousands of adopted children seek out their natural parents years after they have grown up. Did she really want to find her natural mother and father?
She shook her head. She already had one mother, and the father she had now was just fine. “No, thank you.” The warmth and strength of Ellis’s hands were working out the tension that had built in her neck. She relaxed into his hands. “Do you know they dropped me off at some gas station when I was just four and never came back for me?” She tried to keep the tears and the selfpity out of her voice.
“I already knew that, Syd. Thomas told me.” Ellis’s hands didn’t break the rhythm.
“You’re a parent, Ellis. What could a four-year-old do that would make you abandon that child in some gas station bathroom along the interstate?”
Ellis’s hands froze.
“It had to be something terrible, don’t you think?”
He slowly turned her around. “No, Sydney, I don’t think you did anything terrible. Little four-year-old girls couldn’t possibly do anything that bad to make their parents abandon them. You didn’t do anything, Syd.” His hands cupped her cheeks. “It was your parents’ failure, not yours.”
She shook her head as tears blurred her vision. “The first foster home they put me in was run by a nice lady named Muriel. She had a bunch of foster kids and we all loved it there. We were a family.” She couldn’t prevent the tears from overflowing. “I was happy there and I loved Muriel and all my foster brothers and sisters.”
A Father's Promise (Intimate Moments) Page 20