by Ivy Jordan
I pulled out, trying not to stare up the mountainside and keep my eyes on the road, but I ended up hitting the curb anyways. Lila was in my rearview mirror, her expression filled with shock. Shit.
The drive to Louie’s took a little over twenty minutes, and during that time I kept going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to tell Lila about Xander. It was obvious she already knew something happened, but I dreaded the way she would look at me when she found out exactly what.
Lila’s car pulled beside me, parked in front of Louie’s, the best burger joint in town.
“How’s your tire?” she asked, walking around the passenger side of my car.
I shook my head, fighting back the color that was forming on my cheeks, and walked over to take a look.
“It’s good,” I smiled, hitting the lock button on my keychain and heading inside.
“Two?” the woman at the door greeted us.
“Yes,” I responded quickly, hoping to get Lila distracted with the menu before she asked any more questions.
The hostess handed us two menus, which I immediately opened.
“Have you tried this new avocado burger?” I asked, pushing Lila to start browsing the menu.
I knew she’d get enthralled in the listing of all the delicious items, going through them one by one, even though she’d read the menu a thousand times.
“Bailey, you need to tell me what’s going on,” she demanded, showing no interest in the menu.
I placed the menu in front of me, flat on the table. My friend stared into my eyes with curiosity that I knew wouldn’t go away until she got details, but I couldn’t get myself to tell her. I didn’t want to tell anyone.
“I just really like the guy,” I offered up.
“Xander?” she questioned.
“Yes. I hate that he’s out there all alone,” I sighed.
“Didn’t you say that was his buddie’s truck?” she asked.
I nodded. What I didn’t say is that I knew if Liam was still there, Xander was obviously taking things rough. It didn’t matter how tough his exterior looked, he was soft inside. I knew that.
“Well, then he isn’t alone,” she stated.
“Liam will have to go home soon, and then he will be,” I protested.
“This guy really got under your skin, huh?” she pushed.
There was the color and heat forming on my cheeks. I couldn’t hide it. My lips curled into a smile, and I could feel my eyes dancing as they struggled to lose contact with Lila’s.
“Wow, you got it bad,” Lila teased.
“Stop it,” I sassed, picking my menu back up.
I buried my face behind the plastic menu, pretending to read each dish thoroughly.
“Can I get you something to drink?” a young waitress offered.
“Iced tea, please,” I quickly ordered.
Lila ordered water, and then she told the waitress we were ready to order. I wasn’t. I’d only pretended to read the damn menu to hide from Lila.
“I’ll have the avocado burger,” Lila chirped.
“Same,” I smiled at the waitress as she took our menus.
“So no more barrier. Tell me what really happened up there in the woods,” Lila pushed.
“We just spent a lot of time talking, and we got to know each other,” I insisted.
“How did he get to know you when you didn’t even know who you were?” she giggled.
“I was still me, it was just details I was missing,” I argued my point, even though hers was a good one.
“I think you’re really into this guy,” she purred, batting her eyes in my direction.
“I just really like him, that’s all. He saved my life, took care of me, and was super sweet,” I added.
“So why don’t you go after him?” she asked.
“Really? What am I supposed to do, pack my shit and move to the woods?” I laughed.
Lila’s lips pursed together, and her eyes rolled.
“Well, if you really liked him, I guess,” she sighed.
“I can’t leave Dad,” I asserted.
Dad wasn’t the only thing holding me back. I had a teaching job, and I loved my students. Xander was so distant when we parted. I wasn’t sure about how he felt either, at least not entirely. Plus, living in the woods, I wasn’t sure I could handle that, at least not long term. The two weeks I spent in the cabin with Xander was amazing, but I didn’t know what I had here, at home.
We finished our lunch, and I rushed out after paying the bill. I knew it was close to the time Dad would need his medication, and I didn’t want to ever let him down again.
“I’ll call you later,” I promised Lila as I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home.
Inside the house, Dad was up, but he looked horrible.
“Why are you out of bed?” I lectured.
He gave me a crooked smile, and shook his head. I knew what he was trying to say. He was still the dad, and I was the kid. He spent his entire life ordering men around, ordering me around, and keeping us all safe. Having someone tell him what to do wasn’t easy for him to swallow, especially when it was me.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
He groaned, wrinkling his nose to make a face of disgust. I hated that he was so sick, but with the treatment, that would get better, but he would not want it.
“I can’t wait to eat again, to want to eat again,” he grumbled.
I smiled, taking his arm and helping him back to bed.
“Until then, would you like another Ensure?” I offered.
He chuckled as he shook his head. “Fuck no,” he groaned.
I couldn’t help but laugh. He was so ornery, so stubborn, that trying to get him to do anything was damn near impossible. I wasn’t sure how Lila managed him for two weeks.
“Thank you, Bailey, you make me so proud,” he said, gripping my hand in his.
It was the same words, the same voice that I’d heard when on the mountain with Xander. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him in person. I feared so badly that he wouldn’t be here when I got back, that I’d stayed gone too long and lost my chance to say goodbye, to hear his voice one last time.
“Here,” he grumbled, reaching over to grab a pamphlet from under his pillow.
“What’s this?” I questioned, holding the stiff paper in my hand.
“You need to call them this afternoon,” he insisted, pushing my hand away from his.
“This is hospice,” I choked, fighting back the stream of tears ready to roll from my eyes.
He looked up at me, smiled, and reached out for my hand.
“It’s time. They will make sure I’m comfortable once this medication is out of my system,” he assured me.
I’d spent plenty of time reading about hospice, and I knew it was the best option for him now, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. Admitting that it was time for them to come in meant admitting that it was the end of my father’s life.
“I’ll be okay. I promise,” he insisted.
I smiled, nodded, and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. I pushed the pamphlet into my purse and prepared his medications for the afternoon.
Soon, my father would be gone. It hurt so bad to imagine that day. I wanted to fall into Xander’s strong arms and have him comfort me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Xander
“Hey man, you really need to get up and out of bed,” Liam’s voice was more than annoying.
I jerked the blankets from over my head and stared into his dark eyes. It had been almost a week since Bailey left, and each night, the nightmares got worse. Not only did I have the flashbacks from the war, but now I had ones that showed me how horrible I was to let her leave the way I did.
“I’m not sleeping well,” I grumbled.
“No shit,” Liam sighed, gripping the blankets from over me and pulling them from the bed.
My blood was boiling. I hated that he was there. I wanted to be alone.
“You’re a real dick, you know that?
” I snapped.
Liam chuckled, shaking his head.
“What’s so fuckin’ funny?” I demanded.
“Xander, this is obviously more than PTSD,” he stated.
“I just need to be alone so I can process all this shit. I can’t process shit with someone here,” I snarled.
“Brother, if I thought that were true, I would’ve left you last week,” he argued.
I knew he was worried about me, that the reason he was there was because he cared and he understood. He understood more than I gave him credit for.
“I’m sorry,” I pushed my head into my hands as I sat on the edge of the bed.
“I just can’t get her out of my mind,” I admitted.
“I understand. Maybe you should go into town, at least just check on her,” he suggested.
That thought had run through my mind all week. There were plenty of times as I hiked the trail, inching my way further and further down the mountain that I thought about just doing it. I worried what she would think if I did. Would she even want to see me after the way I treated her?
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I grumbled.
“Sitting up here sulking isn’t a great idea either, brother,” Liam patted me on the back.
It was more than sulking. I felt as though I was dying inside. My mood was horrible, which I knew was from lack of sleep. Liam hadn’t slept well either. I’d kept him up plenty that week. Each night the nightmares got worse and lasted longer. It was getting harder and harder to wake up from them, and that was taking a toll on my mental state of mind as well as my physical well-being.
“Why wouldn’t you want to go into town to see her?” Liam asked.
There were so many reasons.
“She probably hates me,” I chuckled nervously.
“Doubtful. I watched that girl cry over you,” Liam noted.
He’d never told me she cried.
“She hated leaving you here,” he added.
“Yeah, but she told me if I didn’t go with her that I basically had lied to her about how I felt, that I used her,” I moaned.
The thought of taking advantage of Bailey made me sick, and I hated that she thought that of me.
“She was upset, that’s all,” Liam offered.
“Maybe, maybe not,” I sighed. “Why don’t you head on home? I know you got shit you left behind, your own life to deal with,” I told Liam.
“I’m here for as long as you need me,” he insisted.
“I don’t need you. I’m fine,” I asserted.
Liam’s eyes were soft and concerned. It was clear he didn’t believe me.
“I’m fine, please get the fuck outta here,” I snarled at him.
He took a step back, his eyes growing dark and cold as he turned. I watched him grab his bag, pack up his gear, and then throw it over his shoulder.
“If you need me, just call,” he said, and then left.
I was alone, finally. What I’d been wanting all along. But now, it was quiet, too quiet, and I wasn’t sure I’d made the right choice.
Fuck.
I grabbed my phone, pulling up my browser, and typing Bailey’s name into the search bar. I’d never gotten her number since she didn’t have a phone, but I hoped maybe she would be listed if she had a landline.
Her name added with the city Bethel brought up several hits. There were pictures of her at school, one in a charity car wash, another helping out with a fundraiser with the kids. She was beautiful, and seeing her face, even through an image, brought back that heaviness in my chest and fluttering in my gut.
I found a listing for her name, but it was marked private. There were only three other Martins in the city and one was Jackson. Jackson Martin, Jack—she said that was her dad. My chest lightened, and my spirit lifted as I clicked the link that gave an actual number. I hit the call button and listened as the phone rang, and rang, and then rang again.
“Hello?” an elderly man answered. He was coughing so hard I could barely hear him.
“I’m sorry to bother you, sir. Is Bailey home?” I asked.
“She just stepped out,” the man responded.
“Thank you,” I sighed, not sure if I should leave a message, or try to call back later.
“Who may I ask is calling?” he asked.
I hesitated for a moment before answering.
“This is Xander Lander, sir. I was the one who found Bailey on the trail. I wanted to make sure she was doing okay and that she was settled in back at home,” I rattled, giving more information than I intended.
“Oh, Xander. Yes, she told me about you. Thank you for everything you did for Bailey. She is doing great, happy to be home,” he said cheerfully.
“How are you doing, sir? She was very worried about you,” I continued.
“I’ve been feeling a lot better,” he responded.
I was glad to hear that Bailey was happy and that her father was doing better. It gave me a little bit of peace knowing that she wasn’t miserable, like I was.
“Thank you, sir. You have a good night,” I ended the conversation without leaving a message for Bailey.
I set the phone beside me on the bed, staring down at the screen that still had her picture on it. I knew I wouldn’t have the balls to call back, so maybe a letter would be a better idea.
I got up, searched the cabin until I found a pad of paper and a pen. I sat down, trying to think of what to say, but was drawing a blank.
Finally, my brain started to kick into gear, and the pen started to move across the paper.
Dear Bailey,
Thank you for the time we spent together….
Fuck, no good!
I tore the paper from the pad, wadded it up, and then tossed it into the garbage can.
Every time I started to write, everything came out sounding so corny, so cold, so not what I wanted to say.
I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. I thought about Bailey, her smile, her beautiful eyes, and how she warmed my heart just to be near her. I picked the pen back up and wrote from the heart, telling her what she meant to me and how sorry I was for acting the way I had. I was scared, foolish, an idiot to let her go. I wrote that I would not only climb mountains, but climb down them to be with her if she’d still have me, and then ended it with an ‘I miss you.’
I folded the letter and pushed it into an envelope, writing the address I got off the browser for her and her dad, and then sealed it.
I would have to walk into town to deliver it, but that was something I’d said I would do in the letter.
My stomach was in knots thinking about walking into town and her reading what I’d wrote.
I wrote another one, a little less mushy, and then sealed it, writing ‘send’ on the front so I knew which one was better.
Seeing her pictures on the Internet, talking to her dad and hearing how happy she was, and writing down all the feelings I had for her, it was all too much for me to handle. The delivery of the letter would have to wait for another day. I couldn’t bear to think about making that trip down the mountain in this condition.
It wasn’t dark out, and I wasn’t feeling tired, but suddenly my eyes grew heavy, and I had to lay my head down on the couch. I grabbed the throw hanging over the edge and pulled it over me, snuggling up for what I was expecting to be a good sleep finally. It had certainly been long enough since I’d gotten any real sleep.
As I drifted off to sleep, images of Bailey skated through my mind, her laughing, her pouting, and the face she made when she orgasmed.
Flashes jolted me from my peaceful sleep, sending me to the other place, the place where I relived the pain of my past. I tried to get up, to lift my body from the couch, but it was so heavy it felt like cement.
“Landry!” someone yelled in the distance.
It was too dark to see who. Clouds of smoke rolled over the water, red flames shot out of the dark sea, and that voice continued to call my name. I rushed towards the sound, pushing past the smok
e so thick it made me choke. I couldn’t see anything, anyone, but the voice continued to yell my name.
“Where are you?” I screamed out, so loud it shook me.
The flashes lit up the sky, showing the front of the ship, the metal railing near the edge. I ran towards it, stopping at the broken portion, nearly falling into the angry sea below. The voice called again, this time from behind me.
I turned just as something slammed into the ship, sending me backwards, falling, falling, falling.
It was quiet, too quiet, and dark. No flashes in the sky, no red flames, and no ship. No voice calling my name, no one, nothing, just me and the sea. My arms flailed in the water, working hard to swim to something, anything.
I called out for help, but my voice was silent. I yelled again, this time harder, but still no sound. My throat was raw, sore, and I was losing stamina quickly. I pushed to my back, floating to rest my arms and legs. The water was rough, the waves high, and the temperature frigid. I didn’t have long.
The moon rolled from behind a dark cloud, lighting up the world so bright it was as if I could see across the globe. Bailey, her smile, stared down at me from the bright circle of the moon, and suddenly, the waves stopped, the water warmed, and land appeared just feet from where I floated. I turned to swim towards it, my feet hitting the surface. I stood, the water only inches deep, and walked to safety.
Bailey wrapped her arms around me, greeting me as I landed safely on her beach. Her lips pressed into mine, and her breasts pressed into my hard chest, and with that, I felt at peace, at home.
I woke to an eerie darkness, one that reminded me of the bad part of my dream. I walked carefully to the front door, looked out the window, and stared up at the sun coming up from behind the mountain. It was dawn, offering a fiery red glare against the stillness of the dark, creating a beautiful glow that warmed my entire body, heart, and soul.
There was something to that dream. What it was I wasn’t sure. It was as if Bailey came to save me. Even without being here, she brought me peace, comfort, and a promise that everything can be okay.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Bailey
I hung up the phone after talking to a woman named Joy for almost an hour. She was kind, compassionate, and understood the hard decision I was making by having hospice enter our home and our lives. She assured me they would assist my father in any way possible to make his last days on earth as comfortable and memorable for both of us.