by Candy Crum
He laughed. “I’m not worried about you. I’m more worried about him. When he sees something he wants, he goes for it. I don’t mean women; I mean anything. He’s very ambitious. He’s very careful with you right now because he’s considerate of your situation. He doesn’t want to hurt you, but if he decides that he wants to be with you, I’m worried that he will say something. You being put in that situation would be bad either way. You’d have to turn him down, or date him and risk it going badly that way.”
“So, you’re saying that I should friend zone him?” I asked.
He shrugged. “It’s not a terrible idea. Just try not to flirt too much.”
He smiled. I could tell that he was still nervous about the conversation, but he had no reason to be. I understood why he was worried about both of us. He was right. If I flirted with him, or got too close, I could give him the wrong idea. If he did decide that he wanted to be with me, there was no way that I could say no. He was too perfect, but it would still be a bad idea.
“How about we get some pie?” I asked. “Because they make awesome cakes and pies, and I’m suddenly needing one.”
* * *
That evening I went home and thought over what Alex had said. He was such a kind man, and I appreciated that. I was more than happy to have them for friends. Anyone should be lucky enough to have friends like that.
I grabbed a quick dinner, by which I mean that I ate some tomato soup with a grilled cheese, and went to the living room. Bowl and little plate in hand, I sighed, a tiny sting of anger piercing me as I looked at the living room that I somehow managed to forget was empty. Every day I went home and every day I saw it. For whatever reason, however, I managed to forget it was a barren wasteland in there. Then I remembered my plan for after dinner. I wanted to lie down and take a nap.
… Still no bed.
“Gah!” I said out loud to no one but myself.
I went to the lonely kitchen table and ate my dinner. I was pretty sure that my face was redder than the soup was with how irritated I was. Once I had finished, I rinsed my bowl and grabbed my keys. I thought, “screw it. I’ll just go to the furniture store anyway.”
I wondered if they’d do same day delivery. If they did, it was possible that when I picked out the bed and had it delivered that I could get the couch that I’d ordered online right along with it. I sure planned to ask anyway.
It was evening time, so traffic sucked once again. Everyone was getting off work and driving like crazy people, so they could get home. I nearly got t-boned at an intersection when someone decided to run a red light. Psychos. Luckily, that intersection was right next to the furniture store. By that point, I was suffering a bit of road rage. Who could blame me?
Going inside was like walking into an adult wonderland. So many squishy soft things to sit on and try out. I walked around looking at all the living room suites that were far too expensive for me. Just because I couldn’t afford it didn’t mean that I shouldn’t try it out!
I saw a beautiful red and black couch. It was much more “stylish” than what I would have been able to pull off, but I loved it anyway. It was massive and very comfortable. It also had a hefty price tag at $2,500. Barf.
As I rounded the corner, I saw the very couch that I’d ordered online. I inwardly squealed as I saw it in person. Sitting on it proved that my choice had been a good one. It was fluffy and soft. Overstuffed arms and back. Soft cushions. Amazing charcoal grey color. Oh, how I loved it.
“Beth! Hey!”
I looked up to see a man named Brian Scott. He and I went to school together. He’d always been a very sweet guy. Last I’d heard, he was married with a toddler. The last time I saw him, he was a cute pudgy guy.
He was pretty tall with medium colored hair, just on the border between dark blonde and light brown. His face was one that was made for smiling. You could tell he did it often. As for his weight, he’d always been a bigger guy, but he always looked great with it. It seemed to fit him somehow, but that had certainly changed. Brian had been working out. He was still a bigger guy, just in different ways. He’d obviously taken control of his health. Go Brian!
“Hey, Brian!” I said, standing to give him a hug as he approached. “How have you been?”
“Good!” he said. “How have you been?”
“I’m doing well,” I replied. “I’m working at the hospital and have my RN. Were you able to go for the engineering degree you wanted to?”
He shook his head. “When I got married, all that got put on hold. She wanted to go to school, so I put mine off, and she went for a while. She was doing really great, but she dropped out when she got pregnant. She was just too tired all the time. Unfortunately, she and I separated last year, so I started school then as a way to get my mind off things.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” I said. “I’m very happy to hear that you’re doing things for you, though! That’s great that you’re in school!”
“Yeah! I started school and started going to the gym. You have no idea how big of a stress reliever that is! I’m in school for Engineering, but I’m also working as a physical trainer. It’s been great.”
“A physical trainer? That’s awesome! Maybe I need to come see you. I’ve gained about twenty pounds, and I need to take that off,” I said with a laugh.
“You look amazing. If you want to work that off, do it for you. Not for anyone else. If you decide that you want to, though, definitely come see me. Everyone should hit the gym regardless of weight. It’s a great stress reliever, and it’s obviously just a good idea for health,” he said.
“Absolutely! When are you working next?” I asked. “I’m off tomorrow. I might head in there.”
“I’ll be there,” he replied. “Just come in, and I’ll help you fill out the app stuff.”
“That sounds great! I’ll see you then! I’m going to go try to find a bed I like and see if they will do same day delivery,” I said.
“Good luck, and I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“See ya, Brian,” I replied.
He was just as positive as ever. Even after a divorce he was sweet and upbeat. I was very happy to hear that even after all that he was still pushing forward and doing things. Granted, it seemed like he would have been dying inside had he not chosen the route of keeping busy and preoccupied, but that’s what separates some people from others. You can choose to wallow and drown in the sadness, like Andi did last year and like I would have done had she not stopped me, or you can push through and find things to make you better while you heal.
I was in some middle area. I wasn’t bettering myself, but I wasn’t falling into a black hole either. Seeing Brian was exactly what I needed because if he can be happy and positive after a divorce and what I’m sure was a custody battle afterward, then I can after leaving a jerk who cheated on me. I planned to go to that gym the following day, as I’d said I would, and I planned to use it to make myself better. Even if it was just as a way to manage stress.
I joked about my weight gain, but in reality, I didn’t care. After hearing the things that Jax and his siblings had said to Nancy, I realized there were men out there who really didn’t care about such trivial things. I learned what a real man was. What a good man was. It truly was like a weight had been lifted, not caring what other people thought when they looked at me. Jax and his family had been quite a blessing to me, and I would never be able to thank him. The sad part was that he didn’t even know how big of an impact on my life he’d had in such a short time, and because of what Alex had told me earlier, I couldn’t even tell him. Maybe one day…
Chapter Seven
Best. Sleep. Ever. After a full week on my new mattress, my body quit hurting from where I’d been sleeping on the floor, and I was sleeping better than ever. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the mattress, or because Kevin was gone, and I didn’t have to worry about who had been in the bed. Even though my heart trusted him all that time, I realized that a big, logical part of me hadn’t trusted him a
t all.
Having new furniture felt like a brand new me. It inspired me to redecorate, and I’d spent the week painting and even looking at carpet and hardwood samples. My house was about to get a complete overhaul. I was technically renting, but my landlord was amazing and offered to pay for seventy-five percent of it if I okayed samples through him first. He’d planned to update my place before Kevin and I moved in, but I’d begged him to let us move in early, so he didn’t get to. Now he was getting free labor out of it.
Every night when I went home from work, I watched TV and lounged all over my perfect new couch. I stress “all over” because I moved my lazy butt to a new location every time I sat down. I finally felt normal. Everything felt right. Every night I lazed about and did nothing, then every morning I’d wake up early and get to work painting. It might sound boring to someone else, but I loved it. It kept me busy doing something that wasn’t at work.
It was almost time for the new nurse to start, and we couldn’t wait. The long hours, the crazy amount of consecutive days worked… It was all about to come to an end. Not only were we getting her, but there were Nurse Practitioner students about to start as well. In other words, students that knew what to do. They were just finishing out a large degree. Things were about to get a lot easier.
The day after I’d picked up my furniture, as I’d promised to Brian, I made it to the gym. I was very serious about it, and I thought it may be what I was looking for. Like he had said, it would be a great way to keep my mind off things.
Like Jax for instance.
If I wasn’t dwelling and brooding over Kevin, I was thinking about Jax. It had been quite a few days since I’d seen him, though I’d seen Alex. Alex worked nights, but Jax worked days. It was a new development, according to his brother.
After having gone so long without seeing him, I realized that I did, in fact, have a problem. I liked him. More than I should, but it didn’t matter. I refused to let it get to me more than it already had. I hoped that Brian was right, and I’d be able to clear my head some.
The week had flown by, and I’d done a great job at keeping motivated and forcing myself to go. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard, but I was always happy after I got back home. It was becoming a regular routine, and I kind of liked it. That Thursday morning, I was heading there again. I didn’t have to be at work until noon.
After getting changed, I made my way over to the elliptical. Some of the girls on the other machines were quite ambitious, using an incline and resistance. Not this girl. No way. I figured that I should still—even after a week—consider myself lucky if normal speed and no resistance didn’t kill me. It was very hard, but not nearly as bad as I’d made it out to be. My body was much stronger than I gave it credit for.
“How are you enjoying it so far?” Brian asked as I stepped off the elliptical.
I’d been on it for about thirty minutes and had seen him training someone not long before he approached me. He must have just finished.
“I’m loving it!” I said. “I can’t believe how relaxed I feel. Exhausted… but relaxed.”
He smiled. “Good! I’m glad to hear it! We should make some appointments for you to come in. I’ll show you how to do some things. I don’t want any injuries!”
“Thank you,” I said. “That would be great. It might be a few days before I can actually nail down a solid time. Unfortunately, the hospital is short staffed, so I work quite a lot right now.”
“Well, that’s okay. If you get a chance to come in and I’m free, we will make it happen.”
“That sounds perfect. Thank you, Brian,” I said.
“I’ll leave you…”
My phone rang then, interrupting Brian. I pulled it from the little cubby on the elliptical to see that it was Kevin. I rolled my eyes and ignored the call. Why he would be calling, I had no idea, but I knew it had to be bad.
“Everything okay?” Brian asked.
“Uh…” I started. I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that, but I did anyway. “Yeah. Kevin. Not sure what that’s about.”
My phone chimed. It was the sound of my voicemail.
“Don’t let him get back in your head,” Brian said. “He was always an ass. You deserve better.”
I forced a smile. “Thank you. It will take a while to completely get over it, but I will.”
Just like that, my good mood had depleted. I didn’t bother listening to the voicemail. I deleted it as quickly as possible and went to the locker room to get showered and dressed.
From that moment, I was in a hurry to spend my day doing absolutely nothing until work. My Kindle had a long list of books that had yet to be read, and my couch was very comfortable. I would not let him ruin my day, no matter what the reason for his call was.
* * *
When I got to work that night, I learned that Nancy had been released two days earlier. I’d been so busy that I hadn’t even known. I wanted to call Jax to check on all of them, but I decided that it wouldn’t be professional, and that’s what Alex had asked me to be. Instead, I went about my day as normal. I checked in with the previous nurses and got updates and started checking over labs and preparing to make rounds.
I’d only been there for about an hour when my phone rang again. I sighed as I saw Kevin’s name on the ID. Again, I hit the ignore button before putting my phone back in my pocket. It wasn’t going to be a very good day, if that’s how it was planning to go. That thought proved correct.
I’d only made it about halfway down the hall when it rang again. Angrily, I snatched the phone out of my pocket and saw that it was once again Kevin. I darted off to the right into the supply closet, so no one could hear me unleash hell on him if need be.
“What do you want!?” I asked sharply.
“Lizzy, I’m so sorry,” he said. “Please, just talk to me. I can’t stand this. I miss you. Did you get my voicemail?”
“No,” I said flatly. “I got it while I was busy at the gym, and I deleted it.”
“At the gym? You go to the gym?” he asked.
I gave an exaggerated sigh.
“It doesn’t matter!” he said, his voice carrying a pleading tone. “It doesn’t matter at all. I’m happy for you, if it’s what you want to do. It’s good to do things for yourself. You were always doing stuff for me. I guess you never really got to do things for yourself.”
“Exactly,” I said. “I’m doing them now, though. I’m not going to wait around forever for someone to change, and I’m not going to be walked on. I deserve better. Way better. I may not be perfect, but I deserve more than what I got.”
“Yes!” he said. “You really do! You really, really do. I’m so sorry that I never gave that to you. I’ve thought so much about it. How you must have felt. How you must have hurt. You must have felt cheap. Unattractive. Foolish.”
I couldn’t tell if he was trying to pander to me or insulting me.
“Yes. I did.”
“You should never feel that way. You’re beautiful and too good for me, but I’m hoping that you’ll let me show you that people aren’t inherently bad. They can get better.”
He was right. People can change. They can better themselves. The question is… was he one of them that had the will to? The desire? Probably not. In the back of my head, I knew better. I knew that he would take any opportunity that he could to break me down. Though I put up with it for three years and never saw his abuse in that time, that didn’t mean that I didn’t see it right then.
It also didn’t mean that I was a very smart person. Deep down I still had feelings for him. It hadn’t been long enough for those to have faded. Only a little, and that was only because of my crush on Jax. Had he not come along, I’d have been begging Kevin to come back long before. Because I didn’t, however, Kevin was the one on his knees. It was kind of nice for a change.
“I don’t know about that,” I said. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea. I’m not even close to being over everything that happened. If we tried
to get back together, I would have a lot of trust issues. I don’t want that for myself. And if you actually changed that part of yourself, then I wouldn’t want it for you either. If you call someone a cheater enough times, when they aren’t anything of the sort, eventually they will get sick of it and do it out of spite. Then there is validation for the name calling. It’s a vicious cycle. People screw this up by getting into new relationships right away. They choose the wrong people, and it only makes their paranoia worse. I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want a rebound relationship. That includes with you, the person I just broke up with.”
“That makes a lot of sense, babe,” he said. “I’m not asking for a definite answer. Please just think about it. I’ve been going crazy. I’ve been so depressed lately. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I guess I just realized what I lost. No one holds a candle to you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
“Are you at work?” he asked.
“Yes. I need to get back. I was just about to start rounds to check on everyone when you called. Again. And then again.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I’ll let you go. Text me later. Okay?”
“Have a good day, Kevin,” I said.
We said our goodbyes and hung up. After putting my phone back in my pocket, I made my way out and to my first patient’s room. I hated complications. More than that, I hated complicated complications. Sometimes things happen. It’s annoying, and you have to get your stuff together and do what needs done.
Sometimes, however, things happen, and it blindsides you. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems wrong. It all seems equally bad, and it leaves you confused and unsure of how to handle it. I didn’t want to see him, nor did I plan to, but I also didn’t want to hurt him if he was sincere. All I wanted was to find a nice and gentle way to let him down.
My mind was preoccupied for most of the day, but I didn’t allow it to interfere with my job. My patients were happy, minus being stuck in a hospital, and I’d even managed to make several of them laugh. That was a plus. It had been so busy that I didn’t get to take lunch, or even go to the bathroom, until very late in the evening. It was about three hours before my shift ended that I was finally able to step away from the floor.