__________________
A lump rises in my throat. No! But my fingers disobey my mind.
_______________
When? Tomorrow?
________________
He pleads with me.
___________
No, tonight.
___________
Why? I can’t deal with a replay from this morning.
_________________________
It’s so late, Ryan.
_________________________
Ryan’s next message reads.
__________________________________________
I don’t care. I need to see you now.
__________________________________________
Tears begin to pool in my eyes again. Truth is…I need to see him too. The last six weeks have been pure hell. I can’t fight him anymore. I don’t want to fight him anymore. We need to talk this through so we can at least get past what happened.
I swallow the lump in my throat as I type.
__
OK.
__
He responds quickly.
________
OK what?
________
Duh!
____________________________________________
You know where I am. My flight doesn’t leave until the morning.
_____________________________________________
My iPhone sings out with a new message.
______________
Open the door.
_____________
I am confused.
_____________________
Text me when u arrive.
_____________________
Ryan’s last message takes my breath as I read.
_______________________
I’m already here.
________________________
Whoa! Wait! Where!
I walk to the door, open it slowly, and peer out into the hallway. Ryan is sitting on the floor with his back propped up against the wall. He is his normal gorgeous, smoldering self. His hair is still damp from the shower, and he is dressed in jeans, T-shirt, and his leather jacket. He has one knee pulled up and his cell phone in his hand. His trademark smirk is replaced with a sad, dejected manner, emotions that I know too well.
I stand outside my door, lean against it, and fold my arms in front of my chest. “So…what would you have done if I had said no?” I say casually.
Ryan rises from the floor gracefully and is at my side within a blink of an eye. He bends down and lifts me off my feet, cradling me tightly against his chest. I hold on to him tightly and snuggle my face into his neck, breathing in his intoxicating scent.
“I was not gonna take no for an answer,” he says as he crosses the threshold into my hotel room and kicks the door shut behind us. Ryan carries me back through the room and gently sets me down on the sofa. I must have a confused look on my face because he says, “We need to talk first.” Really? Do we?
With that statement, the air around us has considerably changed from light to tense. Formerly, when Ryan would sweep me off my feet, we would go straight to the bedroom or nearest available surface.
Ryan begins to pace the little square area of my room. He looks nervous. “There are several things that I need to say that I should have said to you that morning. I…I…” he stammers, then stops. “Damn it!” He looks angry as he fishes his cell phone out of his back pocket. It must have been on vibrate because I didn’t hear it ring. “What?” Ryan snaps into the phone. “Yes, I am with her. No, everything is fine. I will take it from here. What? No…take my flight back to Charlotte. I will take care of her from here on out. Yes. OK. Oh! Max…thank you!” Ryan presses the power button on his cell phone, turning it off. Max? What the hell?
“What was that about?” I exclaim. Ryan shakes his head at me. I prompt him again. “Ryan…”
He throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “It was Max. I hired him to watch over you after the accident!” he says sheepishly.
“What?” I gasp as I put it all together.
Ryan shrugs. “You didn’t want me around, but I had to know that you were OK! That you were protected from all this.”
I sink down into the couch, overtaken by his confession. I cannot believe that he did that.
“So, Max has been what…following me for the past six weeks?” I blink at Ryan wildly, trying desperately to understand why.
“Yes, the media storm alone was crazy enough, not to mention Colton. And I didn’t know what he was capable of.” He shrugs again.
I take a sharp breath in. “So, you know that I was at your house last week.” Ryan looks me dead in the eye and silently nods. I swallow the huge lump in my throat.
“I tried to call you, but when you answered, I knew…Your voice…I could tell that you were upset. And I couldn’t handle it. So, I hung up.”
All this information is too much for me to process, but one fact is evident: Ryan still cares for me. My chest swells with pride, but I am still so defeated.
As I sit in silent shock, Ryan takes the opportunity to start talking again about the accident. “Look, Whitney…there are several things that I want to say to you.”
I hold my hand up to stop him because this revelation about Max is enough for me to process right now. “Ryan, please, there is no need to rehash it!”
“No!” he exclaims. “Don’t you fucking dare! You kept me from this that morning, damn it, and I’m not gonna let you do it again! I have had to relive that moment every single day for the past six weeks. I have to get this off my chest!” He’s angry now.
“OK, OK…” I hold up my hands in defeat to let him continue.
“You have no fucking clue, Whitney. I mean, I didn’t even realize what had happened until I had gotten out of the car. I swear I never saw you! Colton was shouting your name. I couldn’t even process what had happened. Then…there you were.” He motions down to the floor as if we are standing back in the middle of the garage lane. “All I could see was your hair on the ground, sticking out from under Colton’s car!” He pauses and runs his hands through his own hair in exasperation. “I lost it. I went out of my fucking mind! I had to get you out from under his car! I…I thought you were dead. I have never ever been that scared in my life. And I have been through some bad shit on the track. Do you understand me?” Ryan takes a ragged breath.
He is exhausted. I don’t say anything. I let him continue, but I can’t look at him, so I look down at my hands, tears pooling in my eyes. It has been such a long day, yet still he goes on.
“Everyone was shouting, and no one would let me move you. Then, I smelled the gas. It was pouring out of Colton’s car. I guess I busted the fuel tank. I panicked, thinking the car would catch on fire with you under it. Several of the crew guys helped me lift and roll the car back over you. As soon as I saw your face, I-I just grabbed you in my arms and held you until the paramedics arrived.”
Wow. This is too intense. I have never had anyone give me a play-by-play of what happened that day. I have really vague memories of the accident, thankfully. I do remember seeing Ryan’s face, but I thought I had dreamed it.
I keep my head down. It’s too painful to look at him. I understand now. While I felt and have had to deal with the physical and emotional pain, he has had to relive daily the repercussions of his actions. I feel a huge sob welling up in my throat.
“Whitney! Look at me!” Ryan snaps.
His sharp tone makes me shudder. I raise my head, and hot tears cascade down my cheeks, and a terrifying sob emits from my throat.
Ryan is beside me in a second. “Please, please don’t cry,” he pleads. “I don’t want to upset you with all this, but I just needed you to know how I felt, is all. I wanted to die. Every night I am haunted not only by the accident, but you forcing me to leave you at the hospital. It’s not only then, but now too. When I saw you for the first time today, it all came roaring back to me again. I just can’t believe that this happened to you an
d that my anger and arrogance caused it. These bruises, this horrible scratch on your beautiful face, and your leg with that damn cast, I can’t stand it. I can’t stand myself!” He stands up with disgust.
It’s a surprise. His words. His apology, especially! Ryan Carter does not apologize. I learned that early on. I don’t know what to say, so I continue to cry softly. Ryan drops down to the floor in front of me. He positions himself in between my legs so that his face is peering up into mine. He softly caresses my cheek in the way that he does. It takes my breath away.
Ryan’s touch still has the power to burn me. My breath hitches, and my tears momentarily stop.
“Whitney…I…” He falters. “I can’t explain these feelings that I have for you. I don’t understand them myself. All I know is that I need you so much. I lov—”
I immediately stop him. “No! Don’t you fucking dare!” I jump up off the sofa and walk away to create some distance in between us. I rest my tired body against the wall. My leg is throbbing. With my back to him, I question, “How can you say that to me after you’ve slept with her last night?” It’s too much to take. I know I love him. I’ve known it for some time. But I can’t bear to hear him say the words after all that has happened.
“I didn’t sleep with her, Whitney!” Ryan admits, still seated on floor.
I turn back to him sharply. I give him my best “don’t think for one second that I believe you, Ryan Fucking Carter” look. He recoils. Mission accomplished.
“Whitney,” he pleads, and I roll my red-rimmed eyes at him. “She came to my bus last night to talk to me about Colton. She confessed that he was pursuing her while she was with me. And that she continued the relationship after she quit as my public relations manager.”
I cock my head to one side. “So, all that stuff that was delivered to my hotel room in Sonoma was from Colton?” I ask, but already know that it is true. My gut instincts are always right on.
Ryan nods his head. “She tried to tell me that she broke if off with him because of me. Then, she made a move on me, and I told her that she needed to leave. I went to the back and got into bed. I thought she left. But when I woke up this morning, there she was, asleep on my couch. I got dressed as quickly as I could and got out of there so I didn’t have to deal with her. I didn’t even think about you coming to the bus this morning,” he says all in one breath.
I feel nauseous thinking about Colton and how I completely misjudged him—and subsequently how I got the wrong impression about Ryan, too.
I hear Ryan stand up and feel him as he approaches me. He slowly turns my body to face his. He intimately brushes my hair off my shoulder in that way he does, then runs his hand softly around my neck and back up into my hair. He angles my head back so that I am forced to look directly into his stunning blue eyes.
“I’m sorry for that, too,” he whispers softly. His eyes search mine. Then he gently says, “I love you.”
Tears fill my eyes again. I try to look down, but he is holding my head firmly in place. I nod my head in acceptance of his statement, then manage to say, “I…I have something that I need to tell you that might change your mind.” I grab Ryan’s hand and pull it down from my head, then step back as he eyes me warily.
“What is it? Or who is it, should I say?” Ryan asks, confused but scared. “What do you mean?” I snap.
“I know he called after the accident,” Ryan says, almost in a whisper. “Are you back with him?”
“What?” I shake my head, then remember that the bastard from Georgia called after my accident. How did Ryan know about that, though? “No, Brooke dealt with him. That is over. You know that! Now, sit down,” I command through gritted teeth as I point him back to the small sofa. I take a deep breath. “There is a reason why I wanted you…no, needed you to leave the hospital that morning.”
Ryan looks at me quizzically, then cocks his head to the side as if he doesn’t understand.
I continue with my confession. “Colton.”
The pure mention of his name sends Ryan’s gorgeous face into a fit of rage that emits several shades of red across his cheeks. “What about him?” he demands.
This is gonna be harder than I thought. I should have just kept my damned mouth shut.
I take another breath to steal some courage. “Colton…umm…” Ryan angrily injects, “Damn it, Whitney! Just say it, for God’s sake!”
“OK…OK!” I take a deep breath to force down the lump in my throat. “Colton was pursuing me as well. I guess he was playing Annalise and I together.”
Ryan rolls his eyes at me. “Yes, I know he was.” I am surprised that he knew. I stop in shock, but Ryan begs me to continue. “Go on.”
“After the first race that I attended as your PR manager, Colton and I met for drinks, but it wasn’t anything. I mean…Brooke was there, so it wasn’t like a date or anything. I think I really did it just to piss you off initially. Not that you would have known.”
Ryan raises an eyebrow at me. “I knew. Even before you told me in Kentucky.”
I stand, shocked again. “How?” I mouth quietly.
“Whitney, I know a lot of things. Stop changing the subject,” Ryan demands.
“After a couple rounds of drinks, he asked me to walk him out. I did. We talked in his car for a few minutes. He made it clear to me that he wanted a relationship with me, quite clear. But I told him that I was not about to jeopardize my new job by getting involved with him.” Ryan smiles proudly at me. I hold up my hand. “But…”
Ryan’s face falls. “But what?”
I look down, not sure I can tell him the rest because I know he is going to go ballistic.
“Whitney, so help me God. Spit it out!” I take a deep breath, but before I can speak, Ryan asks me quietly, “Were you seeing him too?”
His statement takes the breath out of my lungs. I am shocked he would ask me that. “No!” I almost scream at him.
“Then what?” Ryan loses it.
“I’m…I…I’m not sure,” I stutter. Ryan’s anger makes it hard for me to concentrate, but I manage to continue, “I guess Colton was watching us closely at Loudon, maybe even Daytona. I don’t know. Maybe he saw an exchange between us or something. Again…I don’t know, but he somehow knew that we had become involved.”
“So what?” Ryan barks.
Then suddenly I can see the light bulb go off in his head as I say the words to him. “Colton wrecked you intentionally because of me, because I got involved with you and not him.”
Whew! There, I said it. I cover my eyes with my hands, waiting for Ryan’s rage to blow off the roof.
“That son of a bitch!” Ryan exclaims as he jumps off the couch. He begins to pace the floor. “I am glad that I broke his damn jaw now. Shit!”
I collapse on his vacant seat on the couch, exhausted from my own declaration. What?
“You broke Colton’s jaw? How did I miss that?”
Ryan rolls his eyes at me. “See? You see?” he shouts, angry as hell, ignoring my question. “I have been trying for weeks to work this all out in my head. Why? Why would he purposefully sabotage me on the track? We have never really gotten along, but we have always been teammates. This is why I have never liked that bastard!” Ryan shakes his head, still radiating rage. I peer up at him, scared.
I try to fill in the gaps for Ryan. “I ran over to the garage to stop you from making a scene, but Colton stopped in the middle of the lane. He jumped out of his car, and we began to argue. That is why I was in the middle of the garage lane. He was angry with me because I was with you and not him. This all could have been avoided had it not been for me. My choices were the catalyst for all of this chaos. It really is entirely my fault,” I say firmly.
Ryan turns back to face me. “Whitney! Are you kidding me? This is not your fault. Colton made a choice to do what he did. It is none of his damn business what you do. You obviously didn’t care enough about him to get involved with him in the first place.”
I shake my head and
look away.
“Look at me, Whitney!” Ryan demands as he drops to the floor in front of me again. I look back into his eyes. “This is not your fault! Do you understand me?”
More tears flow down my cheeks, carrying weeks and weeks’ worth of guilt and anxiety for what I have caused to two people’s careers. I try to stifle a sob. “If I had just said no to you or made you leave my apartment that night, none of this would have ever happened!”
Ryan takes me in his arms as I cry fresh tears. “Whitney, you know what we had…how we feel about each other. You couldn’t deny that if you tried.” I nod because I know it’s true.
I finally manage to say, “In the beginning, I thought you were doing a fine job of ruining your own career, but I never in a million years dreamed it would have been me that helped you to accomplish that feat. I just felt like the best thing was to take myself out of the equation altogether, which is why I made you leave.”
Ryan nods, finally putting all the pieces together. “Whitney, why?” he questions me desperately. “Why couldn’t you have told me this in the hospital?” He pauses, conflicted. “I could have been there for you. I would have helped you recover.” Then he shakes his head and looks down in defeat.
He is silent for what feels like forever, then looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes. “The hardest thing…” Ryan trails off as he chokes up. “Goddamn it!” he exclaims, pumping his fist to fight back the sob in his throat. “The hardest thing I have ever had to do was leave you in that hospital.”
I gasp.
He continues, “I swear I will never leave you again!” Ryan leans up and grabs me in an all-consuming embrace with tears on his own face. Oh no!
My handsome, arrogant bastard in tears. It breaks what’s left of my heart. In this moment, I am lost to him. No matter how Ryan has hurt me, emotionally, mentally or physically, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from him.
Ryan pulls out of our embrace and looks at me with intense anticipation. He searches my face. “You haven’t forgotten, have you?”
I am not sure what he means, and I raise my eyebrow in question.
“Us…” he whispers. “What it was like between us?”
I shake my head at him, afraid to speak. “I tried…to forget.”
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