by Dianne Drake
“I’m curious. What do you say in matters like this? Sorry for your loss?”
“More like, good riddance.” Leanne straightened up on the sofa. “So, as far as what I’ll be doing next, I don’t know. Maybe take some more time off and hang around here a while longer. Or look for another position in Seattle, because I really do love it there. He took a lot from me, Caleb. My dignity. My reputation. Probably my job. And I feel so...unsure.”
“Unsure isn’t easy,” he said, commiserating with her yet, at the same time, thinking back on all the times she’d made him feel unsure. Wishing those thoughts would just go away because the here-and-now Leanne was the one he’d always wanted her to be. The memories wouldn’t disappear, though. No matter how hard he tried to force them away, they were still hanging in as a warning. A guard against letting down his guard. “I suppose you either ignore it, or embrace it. If you ignore it, you pretend none of it matters, or didn’t happen.” Like how she was ignoring the uncertainties she’d heaped on him. “If you embrace it, you let it teach you a lesson.” How not to trust so easily. How not to be so gullible the way he’d been. And, to an extent, was now.
“Well, even though I don’t know where I’m going, I do know where I’m not staying. So, after this audition, I’m expecting your answer. And Eric...well, that’s water under the bridge. I’m moving on. Not sure which direction, but that really doesn’t bother me so much because I’ve always liked new directions. Old ones get...boring.”
She was so matter-of-fact about it. Out with the old, in with the new. For a moment, he thought he’d seen a true change in her. But now he wondered. Again. Back and forth. Seeing the changes, then unseeing them because she was taking this the way she took everything else—brushing it aside for something else.
Caleb frowned to cover his disappointment. This was the old Leanne sitting here in front of him now. Just a more mature version than the one he’d known before. As much as he didn’t want her to be, the signs were all there. “Want something to eat? Or drink?” he asked, trying to put it out of his mind the way she did.
“That hamburger we had after the interview was plenty for me, but I wouldn’t mind something to drink.”
“Wine? Coffee? Water?” Asked hospitably, even though he was ready for her to go. She weighed him down emotionally. Raised his hopes, let them down. And right now, he was too tired to fend for himself. Too tired to cope.
“Wine would be good,” she said.
“Red or white?” he asked, not wholeheartedly into the evening with her anymore.
* * *
“Surprise me with the wine.” Leanne watched Caleb get up and walk into the kitchen. Admired the look of him. Strong. Nicely muscled. He looked like her fantasy version of a cowboy, and she liked that. She liked Caleb, hot or cold. Was it because she had expectations of him that reached as far back as their childhoods? Or new expectations that had nothing to do with who they’d been then? Absolutely, she was attracted. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. Even when he turned cold on her, like he was doing now. It didn’t go away. In fact, it made her want to push on through and get to the other side. Because there was another side. With Caleb, there always had been. “Why weren’t we better friends back in school?” she called out to him, out of the blue.
Caleb dropped the wineglass he was holding into the sink, where it shattered into hundreds of clear shards. He looked down at the mess, blew out a frustrated breath, then reached for another wineglass. “I wasn’t in your league,” he called back, his voice as rigid as a taut trip wire.
Leanne blinked hard. “I’m not aware that I had a league.” She’d been popular, sure. Her dad had been the wealthiest man in town, which wasn’t saying a whole lot since the town was so small. And maybe she had let that go to her head a little. But being in any particular league? No, she didn’t understand that at all.
“You were the league,” he said, reappearing in the living room, holding two glasses of red wine.
She studied him for a moment. Yes, he was in his mood again, and she’d caused it, but she didn’t know how. “Which means?”
He crossed the room, handed her the stemmed glass, then returned to his chair across from her. Sitting rigidly. Ramrod straight. Unyielding. “Which means you had your group of friends, and you weren’t really interested in letting anybody else into it.”
“Aren’t all teenagers that way, though?” she asked him, still perplexed by the direction of this conversation. Not only was his body language angry now, so were his words. And his eyes...narrowed in such coldness it almost scared her.
“I wasn’t. But, then, I was always the outsider, looking in.” He took a sip of wine. “Had a good, long look from that vantage point.”
“Caleb, I know we grew apart, but we were kids. That happens.” Honestly, those days were so vague, she really didn’t dredge them up too often. Probably because she sorted her life into two categories: Marrell, and post-Marrell. Nothing about Marrell had ever registered very much with her, as she’d spent her entire time here looking for ways to get out. And anything that had had even the slightest potential of stopping her had gotten discarded.
Had she, somehow, perceived Caleb as having the potential to stop her? Was that why they’d grown apart? She didn’t know. Couldn’t dredge up a memory. Got all sweaty and nervous when she tried.
“Yep, happens,” he agreed, took another sip of wine.
“So maybe what you were interpreting as out of your league was more like two kids growing up and growing apart?” She knew that wasn’t the answer. Could tell from his body language. And it was frustrating because she knew she was missing something she should know. Something he should be telling her, but wasn’t.
“What I was interpreting was that you were high society and I was the boy who swept up the clinic floors. The one who got hauled off to the town lockup more times than I can count, who eventually ended up in the county jail, then a state juvenile detention center. You know, the boy who never could get the girl.”
Had she been the girl for him? She didn’t remember it that way. In fact, she only remembered being crushed when he’d turned away from her. “But a lot of girls go after the bad boys.”
“Except I wasn’t a bad boy, Leanne. I was a misguided boy, and a very confused one, and that’s a big difference. Bad boys want to be bad to make an impression. Misguided boys just want to fit in.”
“So, you’re describing yourself as confused back then?”
He took another sip of wine. “I’m describing myself as a boy who got warned, over and over, but stepped into it, anyway.”
“What, Caleb? What did you step into?” She wanted to know. No more hints and vague accusations. “If there’s something specific I’m missing...or missed back then, tell me. I have a right to know.”
“You missed me, Leanne. I was head over heels crazy about you, and you missed it. Or took advantage of it. I’m not sure which. But, however it was, I was too dumb to know what I was doing at the time, although I learned my lesson eventually, and it’s the lesson I’m going to teach Matthew. Because he’s different, the way I was, and I don’t ever want him to be the outsider who has to content himself with just looking in.”
He stopped, shook his head, then forced a tight smile. One that made her uncomfortable. So, she forged ahead. “I guess I never knew it was that bad for you, and I’m sorry for that. Of course, all I was doing was trying to find a way out, so there may have been a lot of things I didn’t notice.”
“Yet, here you are, back again.”
“Same could be said of you, Caleb. You’re back, too,” she said, the annoyance in her voice obvious. He was accusing her of things she didn’t know, didn’t understand, and she had no way to fight back or defend herself. So, she wasn’t going to engage. What was the point, when she’d only be fighting a demon she couldn’t even see? Instead, she forced herself to relax. Take a deep
breath. Refocus. “And that seems to be working out.”
“Because I’m back for Matthew. Not for me. I didn’t have a choice because I wanted to be a better dad to him.”
She took a sip of her own wine, then shook her head.
“Like I had to come back to help my dad. I never realized how alike we are. Both of us taking care of the greater obligations in our lives.”
“And there you are, changing the subject, like what was between us never existed.”
“There wasn’t anything between us, Caleb.” The annoyance was bubbling up. Again. “You might have been crazy about me, but I wasn’t about to let anything or anybody stand in my way, and I took care not to get involved. So much so, I didn’t even know you wanted to become a doctor.”
“I think everybody in Marrell who ever cared about me knew I wanted to be a doctor.”
And she hadn’t. Two kids from the same small town, former best friends with the same goal, and she’d had no idea. But had Caleb, back then, been much like he was now—always keeping to himself, always trying to push people away? Was that why they hadn’t struck up the friendship she’d believed they could have had, and maybe even should have had? What had she missed out on? Suddenly, Leanne was overwhelmed by the feeling that by excluding Caleb, as he said she’d done, she’d missed out on so much. “If I was too focused on myself to pay attention to you, I really am sorry. But I was struggling, Caleb.”
“We were all struggling, Leanne. You, me... God only knows who else. Only no one else took it out on people the way you did.”
There it was again. The hint of an accusation. Why was he doing this to her? “What did I do to you, Caleb?” It must have been something so significant to Caleb he’d never let it go, even after all these years. For her, she didn’t even remember it. How could that be? She didn’t want to deal with it now. Maybe later, but not now, not when she was so frustrated. So, maybe running away wasn’t such a bad thing after all, because that’s what she wanted to do right now. Run away from something she didn’t understand, or couldn’t see from his perspective.
“Look, I don’t want to do this now. OK? I just want to go home.” She gulped down the last of her wine and stood. “Tell Matthew I enjoyed the day, and thank him for asking me along.” It had been Matthew’s idea. Not Caleb’s. Which was a little disappointing. “Also, tell him that if you’re not busy Sunday afternoon, I have an awesome new photo editing program, and he’s welcome to come over and use it.” She looked up at Caleb, and wished...well, she didn’t know what she wished. But it wasn’t this distance between them. “You’re welcome to come along, too. I might even be persuaded to cook.”
As she brushed by Caleb on her way to the front door she stopped, looked up, and for some unknown reason stood on tiptoe and brushed a gentle kiss to his lips. Twice in one day. It stunned her that she’d done that the first time, and stunned her yet again that she’d gone in for a second one. Especially since the evening had turned so tense. But it felt right. Even though he was totally not sending out signals of any kind, it still felt right to her. Almost natural, and she didn’t regret it, because sometimes being impulsive led to things a person could never anticipate. With Caleb, she wasn’t sure what that could be. But in spite of herself and, more to the point, in spite of him, she liked him. And now he knew it. “It really was a lovely day, Caleb. Thank you for including me. And for what it’s worth—whatever it is we’ve got rocking back and forth between us, I want to be your friend. We’ve just got to figure out how, I think.”
“Sunday,” he said, his voice unusually calm. Almost subdued. Then suddenly he pulled her into him roughly and kissed her back, but not in the light way she’d kissed him. More like the way a hungry man kissed a woman he wanted. Craved. Desired.
And as his mouth opened to her, and she felt his tongue delve inside hers, she melted into him, into a kiss she’d never had before. Never come close to having. Never wanted to end. For that one moment, everything seemed simple. He was a man, she was a woman, both finally on the same journey. Yet when she dared brave a look up at him, she saw that he was looking her, his expression intense, almost threatening.
Was he still angry? Was it because of the way he responded to her now? She could definitely feel his hard response pressing at her. She wondered, but before she could ponder it further, he yanked her even harder to him and pressed her mouth even more, probed even deeper. Moaned.
She responded immediately, surprising herself. Wanting more of him. Snaking her hands around his neck to hold him there. His mouth was so warm, the press of his lips insistent. And she was so eager for anything, everything, preparing herself for it, wanting it so badly. But as the realization of what she was doing was sweeping over her, his kiss lightened, turned into a whisper, then disappeared. Then he stepped back. Cleared his throat, ran his hand through his hair. And looked...stunned. Not angry. Just stunned.
“Well, that was—” he started.
“Unexpected,” she finished, wishing she had something to fan herself with.
“I was going to say nice. But unexpected works.” He took another step backward, then smiled awkwardly. “Anyway...”
“Yes, anyway...” Talk about the need to diffuse an uncomfortable moment. But for the life of her, she couldn’t think of a graceful way out of it. So, she simply took a few steps backward herself, turned to the door and opened it. Then left. Quickly. Confused. No words. Practically running down his front steps. Not stopping. Not even looking back. But she did hear the click of the door shutting behind her and wondered, for an instant, if he was watching her out the sidelight. Hoped he was. Hoped he took that kiss to bed with him and it kept him awake for a while, because it would surely keep her awake.
Yep, she liked Caleb despite himself. Couldn’t explain why, didn’t really want to. And if she decided to stay in Marrell for a while longer, she wondered how far she would let that fondness for him go. Wondered how far he would let it go before he stopped it. Because she had an idea that he didn’t let anything personal in his life go on for too long before he put an end to it. Pity, as she had a hunch that, deep down, he had a lot to offer. Of course, she wasn’t going to stay around long enough, or get herself that entangled, to find out what.
Chapter Six
IT WAS SEVEN in the morning now, and he was exhausted: exhausted from too much thinking, from pacing back and forth, from wondering and worrying. All night long. Minute after minute, hour after hour. Unrelenting confusion. Even Matthew had noticed, and that wasn’t good because this was something he didn’t need his son involved in. Five, albeit a genius five, was too young to be carrying around adult woes. Yet as he dropped Matthew off at his parents’ house this morning, his little boy seemed to be weighed down by the same stresses that were weighing on him. Shuffling little gait, slumped shoulders, heavy sighs...
Caleb shut his eyes and sighed heavily himself. Why was he falling for Leanne? Again? He’d vowed not to. Even last night, after that kiss, he’d promised himself he wouldn’t go near that again. Yet if she walked in here right now, stopped at the nursing desk and kissed him the way she had, he wasn’t sure he could, or would, resist it. And that was why he was starting his day on exactly zero hours of sleep. Too tired to move. Or think. But not too tired to recognize his confusion, because it was there, in spades, threatening to bring him to his knees.
“So, what’s first up this morning?” he asked Helen McBriarty, trying to infuse some life into his voice.
She was standing in the hallway outside his office door, waiting for him as he walked down the hall. She was also the mother of Scott McBriarty, someone who’d gotten into a lot of childhood trouble with him. Smoking, drinking, minor vandalism. To this day, Helen didn’t like him and, judging from the scowl on her face this morning, she particularly didn’t like the fact that he was ten minutes late. Or that he was working at Sinclair. Or that he’d even returned to Marrell. And with the wa
y he was feeling right now, if she’d pointed to the door and told him to get out, the way she’d done so often when he’d turned up at her house for Scott, he might just take her up on it.
But no such luck. She shoved an old-fashioned clipboard at his chest and barked, “Rounds. You have five patients admitted with general complaints. Same five you saw yesterday. Review committee meeting at eleven. Clinic starting at one. So far, you have nine appointments scheduled, with two tentatives who might show up as walk-ins. Oh, and because you were late this morning, I’m assuming you’ll extend your hours at the end of the day to make up for it.” She folded her arms across her ample bosom and tapped her foot impatiently. “We all go by the same rules around here, Doctor. No one person is better than another.”
If anyone ever needed to be put in their place, Helen was the one to do it. But that wasn’t a bad thing right now, because it was her testy demeanor that snapped him back to the present. “Actually, I’m scheduled until six, so that should cover any of my punctuality transgressions,” he said, relieved to be back on track.
“Thanks, Helen,” he said, then watched her scowl deepen. She really did hate him. Had for a very long time. In fact, after the third time he and Scott had been hauled off to the town sheriff’s office for being public nuisances, Helen had forbidden her son from having contact with Caleb again, which had made that forbidden friendship even more exciting. Did she know how often, after that, Scott had sneaked out his bedroom window to meet him? Judging from the look on her face, she probably did.
“Mrs. McBriarty, Doctor. I prefer to keep it professional.”
“I’ll remember that,” Caleb said, as he walked away from her and headed to the wing where most of his patients were admitted. Marrell had changed in a lot of ways, but Helen McBriarty wasn’t one of them. Somehow, that seemed fitting.
“I checked on Ella Jameson for you,” Leanne said, greeting Caleb on his way into the wing as she was on her way out. “She was complaining of stomach pains, and because I was already on duty... Hope you don’t mind.”