by Karina Bliss
Chapter Twenty-one
“In my defense,” Dimity said into the hostile silence left in Seth’s wake. “I have none.”
Zander didn’t respond to her nervous joke.
“So, is this where you get out your little fish hammer and put me out of my misery?”
Still nothing.
Her throat, already tight after listening to Seth prove, once and for always, that he was too grounded for her, closed up further. “I’m sorry,” she managed to say and left the room, the shame she’d been holding under anger finally breaking the surface.
Her boss blew out an exasperated breath behind her.
Seth was waiting for her and she couldn’t see him, she just couldn’t. If he knew Zee was kicking her out he’d want to help her, be her friend, and worse, he’d feel sorry for her—and she couldn’t bear to be the object of his pity. Better he think her a bitch for disappearing without a goodbye, than let him see her devastation.
In the sleep-out bedroom, she dropped to her knees and dragged her suitcases from under the bed. She’d pack her bags, leave them for Zee to forward later, and walk to the end of the track to call a cab. The most important thing was to get out of here before she broke down and cried like a baby for everything she’d thrown away today.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Zander said from the doorway.
Throwing a heap of clothes into a suitcase, she didn’t look up. “I’m saving you the trouble of firing me.” If she couldn’t get a plane home to LA tonight, she’d find a hotel.
“Or the pleasure.”
“That, too,” she said in a small voice. She could claim temporary insanity, but really there was no excuse for her behavior. And she wasn’t going to try to make one. Backbone was all she had left.
“Unfortunately,” Zander said. “My hands are tied when it comes to you.”
“I won’t sue for unfair dismissal but I will have to stay in the Calabasas mansion, at least long enough to clear my belongings.” She suppressed a flutter of panic. “If you can stand it, I’ll hang around and bring my replacement up to speed. I’ll write out a list when I get—”
“Much as I enjoy the novelty of your newfound humility, that’s not the reason. I can’t fire you because you’re family. And family, as my long-suffering mother and brother have discovered over the years, are people you’re stuck with.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just—”
“What? Being kind? Nice? A sweetheart?” She bit her lip to stop the smile and he said, “Hey, it’s me. Your glorious leader. The king of fuck-ups. I guess I can allow you a misstep every once in a while.”
She swallowed. “But I tried to cause trouble between you and Elizabeth.”
“You’d come around to thinking it was a bad idea.”
“What if I’d broken you two up?”
“Then we’d be one of those families that don’t speak to each other for twenty years. But don’t flatter yourself, if she’s stayed with me despite my fuck-ups, she’s not going to be deterred by your puny attempt.”
“Are you trying to make me cry?” she demanded.
“Only you would interpret a joke as sentiment. I know you can’t stand mush so I won’t embarrass either of us by harping on about how much you mean to me. You’ve been pivotal to my career. I couldn’t have rebuilt my empire—or my life—without you. Which won’t stop me telling everyone I taught you everything when you’re kicking ass as the manager of the new band the guys put together.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Seth hasn’t asked you yet? He, Jared and Moss want you as their manager. He talked to the others after our run.”
And when Zander had first mentioned Seth had an idea for another job, she’d been hurt that Seth didn’t understand her. It hurt even more realizing how much he did. He was such a good man. “I’m pretty sure I’ve just blown that chance.”
“I’m pretty sure you haven’t,” Zander said dryly. “He’s in love with you.”
“You’re wrong,” she said. “It’s rebound for Seth, only it’s becoming—”
“Serious?”
“Complicated. I’m starting to feel—”
“Scared?”
“Claustrophobic, like he’ll start expecting me to—”
“Love him back?”
“Will you stop! I was going to say, be like a regular girlfriend, which I clearly have no aptitude for.” She recalled what she’d drunkenly said to Seth about Luther. That she’d liked an honorable man seeing her as decent and full of moral fiber-iness. Her lover was certainly under no illusion now. And yet he’d forgive her, she knew that. It humbled her.
Zander opened his mouth, closed it.
“What?” she said, a little desperately. If I had any decency myself, I’d free Seth to find a better woman.
“Nothing. I’ve reached the limit of my relationship expertise. Talk this out with Seth.”
“God, you are hopeless,” she said. “A heart-to-heart is the last thing I want.”
“I’ve learned that the thing that terrifies you most is usually the one thing you need to do.”
Over the years she’d learned to read every nuance of his tone. But only since surrendering all hope of changing his mind, was she able to hear this one. Sadness. “Zee, I’m so sorry,” she said softly. “I’ve made leaving so much harder for you, haven’t I?” How could she ever have thought this was an easy decision for him? “I’ve been so selfish thinking I was doing this for all of us, when really it was all about me.”
His eyes were suddenly bright with unshed tears. He looked away and she rose from the floor and went over and hugged him, willingly, for the first time in their history together.
“It’s the right decision,” he said after a minute. “I know that.”
Their empire—beautiful, shimmering, her everything. And no longer right for him. “Yes, it is.” She hugged him tighter. “Does Elizabeth know how hard you’re finding this?”
“She’s got enough on her plate.”
“What did Seth say? Tell the truth to the people who love you.” She thought about adding that Elizabeth was floundering, too, and decided against it. It was time she stopped interfering in relationships unless they were her own.
“I’ll talk to her.”
Dimity picked up her suitcase and returned the heap of clothes to the floor. “If I did consider…more…with Seth—and that’s highly unlikely—then their band would need to find another manager. Working together and dating wouldn’t work for me, which is why I’ve avoided it in the past.”
The fact that she was even considering turning down such a challenging opportunity confirmed what she’d spent the day denying. She loved him. Scared didn’t even begin to describe how she was feeling. But maybe it was time to take a chance…
“That’s a damn shame,” Zander said. “You’re their best shot at becoming successful. You’ve got insider knowledge, access, the business smarts, and as yet, no one in the industry knows just how good you are. Think of the deals you could negotiate for them.”
Dimity looked up from her suitcase. “Oh hell,” she said bleakly. “You’re right.”
“Everything okay in here?” Elizabeth entered the room and looked at Dimity’s suitcases.
I owe this woman an explanation. “Elizabeth, I—”
“Doc, I’m terrified.” Zee cut her off. “Not of leaving Rage, but of what I do next. I’ve been a rock star for twenty years and I don’t have a clue how to live a normal life. Until I met you, I never considered failure…but I have to get this right for us. Us is the one thing I can’t fail at.”
Wow. So that’s how you jump off a cliff. Dimity looked at Elizabeth.
“Don’t be an idiot,” she said with a trembling smile. “You can’t fail a test you’ve already passed. But—” she reached out a hand to him “—you’re not the only one scared of getting it wrong.”
“Doc,” he said gruffly, taking her hand.
D
imity rose to her feet. “Ugh, love cooties,” she said, blinking hard. “I’m leaving the contagion zone.”
Elizabeth touched her shoulder as she passed. “Seth is expecting you.”
For once Dimity didn’t flinch from the understanding in her eyes, instead taking everything she offered. “Right,” she said briskly. “Best get this over with.”
* * *
Dimity tracked Seth to the barn, this time by the melodic harmonies of an acoustic guitar. These chords had a considered, meditative vibe in contrast to his earlier raw improv. He’d pulled the stool away from the drums and repositioned it near the haystack. Shoulders leaning against the wall of straw, his feet propped on a loose bale, he was looking up at the rafters.
“I didn’t realize I was in a nursery earlier,” he commented softly. Following his gaze, she saw an untidy nest perched precariously off the central beam.
He stopped playing. “Swallows,” he said, and she heard the faint sound of cheeping, before he resumed strumming. “I’ve been sitting here a while and no sign of the parents. My drumming might have scared them off, so I’m trying to encourage them home.”
“Why didn’t we hear them before?”
“We were caught up in our own world,” he said.
And now it’s time to rejoin the real one.
“Everything sorted with Zander?”
“Yes…he forgave me.”
“He loves you,” Seth said, in the same casual way he’d talked about having a future wife and kids. As though love was a commonplace, everyday right that anyone could expect, even take for granted. Their real worlds were very different. For a little while she’d indulged herself by thinking maybe. But it had been only an indulgence. Her weak moment had passed.
“I’m the bratty little sister he never wanted.” Some of the terrible pressure squeezing her heart eased. Zander wasn’t going anywhere.
“You could have turned to me, you know.”
“And drag you down with me?” She shook her head. “I don’t ever want to be your problem.”
If she’d needed a reminder that she was incapable of behaving normally when she was emotionally involved, she had it in the way she’d behaved with Zander and Elizabeth.
“Are you okay about all this?”
He didn’t answer, his gaze sharpening on something behind her. Dimity looked up and saw a swallow perched on a rafter near the barn’s entrance, head cocked, uncertain. Seth kept playing, a wash of warm sound, as inviting as a blanket. Another swallow joined the first. Go home, Dimity admonished silently. Your babies need you.
“What are we doing here, you and I?” His question caught her off guard.
“W—what do you mean?”
Still playing, he looked at her, his eyes unguarded, and she started to panic.
“Oh, you mean about the manager offer…Zander told me. I guess that depends whether you still think I’m a fit person for the job.”
“There’s no question you’ll be good for the band,” he said, changing chords. The melody developed a haunting quality that made her heart ache.
“It would have to be part time until after Elizabeth’s book launch. They still need me.”
“Exactly what I was going to suggest. We won’t be able to afford you full time for a few months at least.” Seth bent over the guitar. “We need to write enough songs for an album, find a new lead singer…a band name…there’s a lot to resolve. And you need to think about this carefully. You will get more lucrative job offers once people hear you’re available.”
“I’m used to working with the best and I’m not lowering my standards now.”
There was flash of movement in her peripheral vision. One bird returned to the nest. She and Seth smiled at each other and she imprinted the moment in her memory—this man, russet-haired in a shadowy barn, smiling at her as though they might have a future.
If only she’d practiced intimacy on the idiots she’d been dating so that when Seth came along she had some confidence in her ability to make a relationship work. The same certainty she had in her ability to help him rebuild a career.
“I want to revert to friends,” she said calmly. He was too nice to protect himself. So she would do it for him. “If I’m going to manage the new band—and I’d like to—the affair has to end. It’s been fun, a time-out from the stresses in our lives, but you know me. Career comes first.”
Career is what I’m good at. It’s all I’m good at.
“If that’s what you want.”
Her strength lay in recognizing her limitations and making the hard choices. “That’s what I want.” Even when it felt like someone had stuck a knife under her ribs and was twisting it.
She had no clue how to make an ongoing relationship work. And if Seth was developing feelings for her, it was better to cut him loose now, before she really hurt him. She loved him too much to mess up his life.
The second bird darted toward the nest and her gaze followed it. “You make the music, I’ll make the money. Let’s get famous together.” He would get more value from her as the band’s manager than as his loose cannon girlfriend. Even so, she had to breathe shallowly to manage the pain.
Fortunately, he misread the gesture as awkwardness. “You don’t owe me anything, Honey B,” he said quietly, putting the guitar down. “You were always clear about what this was. I’m a nice guy, remember? I’m not going to make you uncomfortable.”
“Thank you.” Forcing a smile, she thrust out a hand. “Shake on it?”
“Let’s not get too formal.” Bypassing her outstretched hand, he caught her shoulders, drew her close and kissed her. Non-threatening, warm—a friend’s kiss. It took all her self-control not to throw her arms around him and beg him not to let her go.
I just want him to be happy. The term wasn’t a sappy-sweet, kittens and heart-shaped chocolate box cliché anymore. It was a sword that cut through all the me, me, me crap and made you put the other person’s interests first.
“Let’s make the transition easy.” Seth picked up the guitar. “I’ll return to the mainland and stay with Janey.”
“Smell the baby for me.”
“I will. Dad texted me suggesting we play golf in a few days and talk things over.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m skeptical, too. I suspect Mum either stole his phone and sent the text or nagged him into it. Either way, I’m not getting my hopes up.” His smile was rueful. “Keep an eye on the news for ‘father beaten to death with a nine iron’. Speaking of which, okay if we iron out details when we both return to LA? The other guys need to be involved.”
“Of course.” Go. Go now. I can’t smalltalk much longer.
He walked away from her and she let him, watching the swallows dart to and from the nest until she heard Zander’s Land Rover fire up, taking Seth to the ferry.
Elizabeth appeared at the barn door, saying nothing. Her unspoken questions lay softly between them. What do you need from me? How do you want to handle this? Dimity desperately appreciated the reminder that she was still capable of leading. Strong. Resilient. A survivor.
There was such power behind Elizabeth’s patience. How on earth can you be so sensitive and stay sane? Because the only way Dimity could hold onto hers was to pretend that her heart wasn’t pulsing in the dirt at her feet.
“You’ve turned me into a bird watcher,” she growled, indicating the nest. “I hope you’re happy.”
* * *
“I’ve never been very good at apologizing,” Frank said as they teed off on the first hole.
He struck the golf ball and it curved left into a stand of Japanese cedar and disappeared. “I’m out of practice,” he added, and Seth wasn’t sure whether he was referring to his golf or apologizing.
By the time they’d reached the sixteenth hole without his father raising the subject of an apology again, Seth had decided it was the golf.
He let it slide because he was shooting six under his handicap, despite only having played twice in
the past year. And he needed the boost of a small pleasure, since the big ones were denied him. The ache for Dimity was constant and he suspected he’d feel it for a long, long time. And that was being optimistic.
She hadn’t even considered giving them a chance. It had apparently never crossed her mind that what they had together could have been extraordinary. He should feel humiliated, but instead he felt sad. Sad for himself, sadder for her. She had so much love to offer and she held onto it like a miser.
Frustration powered his next shot and it soared up the fairway, bounced onto the green, and rolled to within two feet of the pin.
Frank grunted. “Good shot.”
If Seth wasn’t so in love with her, he’d talk the others out of offering her the managerial job and protect his sanity, but he couldn’t resist the temptation to keep her in his life.
“Okay,” his father’s grumble broke into his thoughts. “Enough of the silent treatment. Next time I end up in hospital, I’ll let your mother phone you.”
An empty promise—both Janey and his mother had already sworn to Seth that they’d never make the same mistake again. “That would be wise, Dad, considering I’ll be the one delivering your eulogy.”
His father barked a laugh as they pushed their trundlers toward the green. “I hadn’t thought of that.”
“I have to say I’m surprised you didn’t use your TIA to drag me back into the fold.”
“Didn’t think it would work.” Frank gave him a sideways glance. “Would it?”
“I would have come home, but no, I wouldn’t have stayed.”
“Humph. The thing is, Jeff really is better at your job.”
“Well, he would be. His heart’s in it.”
“Humph,” his father said again, but it was a softer humph. “Watch your cholesterol levels when you hit your forties, it’s a family condition. You’ll probably inherit.”
On the green, Seth used his club to set up a sight line to the hole. “Good to know.”
“You can control it with diet…less saturated fat and more rabbit food.”
“Got it.” One putt and his ball was in the hole.
Maybe when Dimity had made the band a shitload of money, he could use his share to buy a golf membership at LA’s most exclusive club. He’d have to find out what that was.