She shook her head again. “But sometimes men change.”
“Who did that, Cassie? Who pretended to be something they weren’t and then hurt you?”
She hugged herself and doubled over. He wished she’d let him comfort her, but wouldn’t going to force her. It sounded as if someone had done that already. At least she was talking.
Cassie sat up again, arms still wrapped around her waist, and stared down at the bedspread. She plucked at one of the tufts in the chenille design. Some sense of resolve seemed to pass over her and she squared her shoulders as she sat on her heels. “It was a long time ago. I was still in college.”
Luke knew not to interrupt her, even if it took her a while to continue. He wanted to brush the tears off her cheeks, to fold her into his arms, but she wanted space right now.
Give her time.
“I was home on summer break. Well, it was winter in Peru.”
Pluck, pluck.
He didn’t care if she stripped Momma’s old bedspread of every tufted thread. Her gaze was focused on the motions of her fingers, while her mind must be trying to decide what she would share with him.
Come on, darlin’.
“My fiancé took me to a cantina in the capital. I had never been to one in my country before. I only knew Pedro, my fiancé.” She closed her eyes and took a breath. “I soon found I did not know him either, even though we had been acquaintances since primary school.”
Keep going.
“He…He would not dance with me. A marinera played—a traditional dance in my homeland—and I wanted to dance so badly. Why else would one go to a place like that? But he said he did not know how. A lie. Everyone in Peru knows the marinera. Then one of his friends offered to dance with me.”
Pluck, pluck.
“The music consumed me. It did not matter who I danced with. He brought my body to life as the music coursed through me. But…” She shuddered, lost in the memory, and Luke wondered what had happened. “Something about him scared me, and I stopped dancing and went back to my fiancé at the table.”
Luke wondered how long she’d dated this Pedro guy. What kind of relationship did they have? She said she discovered she didn’t know him as well as she thought.
“Pedro said some things that hurt me and made me uncomfortable, but I did not heed the warning signs as I should have.”
He couldn’t help but interject, given his own lack of foresight with Maggie. “Hindsight’s always twenty-twenty. You trusted him to protect you.” Hell, he was her fiancé!
“But women are supposed to listen to their instincts to keep themselves from harm. I ignored mine.”
“Haven’t you paid enough for whatever happened? Maybe it’s time you forgave yourself for being a mere mortal.”
She met his gaze, scrunching her eyebrows as she considered his words. “I had not really thought about it that way.” Her gaze strayed to his arms, and he trusted his own instincts and held them out to her, hoping she’d come to him. Sadly, she remained where she was. He lowered them to his sides again but was encouraged when her gaze followed.
“You can trust me, darlin’.”
She continued to stare at his arms and lap alternately as he watched the struggle within her. She needed to be held in the worst way, but fought that need with everything she had.
He had to strain to hear her next words. “I trusted my fiancé. He shattered my trust.”
“He didn’t deserve it then. That’s no fault of yours.”
Cassie met his gaze, studying his face for the longest time. The yearning he saw there told him she was close to reaching out to him. So close.
Don’t blow this, Denton.
Give her time.
New tears flowed. Damn. If she didn’t come over here soon, he’d do something stupid like wrap her in his arms. But that would be a big mistake.
Wait for her.
“They hurt me so much.”
They? Anger boiled up inside him. How many? “Tell me what they did.”
She shook her head with a vehemence he hadn’t noticed in her before.
“Cassie, don’t give them any more power over you. Until you release it that secret’s going to gnaw at your gut. By talking about it, you take away some of the hold it has on you. You’re going to keep blaming yourself for what it sounds like someone else did, not you.”
Again her gaze strayed to his lap. He patted his thigh and coaxed her again. “Come, let me hold you. Just like I did this morning. You weren’t even dressed then. Did I do anything to hurt you?”
She shook her head and leaned imperceptibly closer to him before catching herself.
“You really look like you could use a hug right now. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. But let me hold you a while.”
“I wish I could…”
“Nothing stopping you but you. Face your fear. Trust me.”
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then took another.
Come on, Sweet Pea. Trust me.
“I want to, but I cannot.”
Luke took a chance and stood up. He hadn’t planned to leave, only to scoop her up in his arms, but she halted him. “No, wait! Do not go! You are right. I need to talk about this. And I do need…”
She didn’t finish the sentence, but scurried off the bed onto her feet and motioned for him to sit again. He did so. Surprising the hell out of him, she crawled onto his lap and sat so rigidly he was afraid she’d break if he touched her. But he couldn’t stop himself.
He placed his hand on her back and stroked her nape in small, circular motions, hoping not to send her running. “I have you. Just let it out. Tell me what happened.”
Silence.
“That’s all in the past, Cassie. Whatever happened, you survived, and you’re safe here with me now.”
She buried her face against his chest and sobbed for ages.
Jesus, tell me they didn’t do what I think they did to her.
Luke wrapped his arms around her, loosely at first. When she didn’t panic, he increased the pressure and held her as she cried. Had those men raped her? God, that would explain why she was so fearful of men. Hell, one had been slated to be her future husband.
Fucking bastard.
No wonder trust was so hard to come by. “Tell me, Cassie. Let it out. We can deal with this together, but it would help if I knew what happened.”
He wanted to say they could fix it together, but he’d learned that some hurts could never be fixed. Not every wound could be bandaged. Yet, even though some never fully healed, a person could learn to live with the wounds just the same. Over time, the flow of blood slowed to a trickle.
“They raped me.”
Fuck.
He had hoped against hope they hadn’t taken it that far, even though he’d expected her to speak those very words. An intense pain seared his chest, infinitesimal compared to the pain she’d suffered.
He wrapped his arms more tightly around her and pressed her tear-streaked face against his chest. He rested his chin on the top of her head. She didn’t pull away, and he wondered if she could feel his heart pounding.
“I should have run when I had the—”
He took her upper arms in his hands, pushed her away, and then cupped her chin with the fingers of one hand until she met his gaze.
“None of this was your fault. Those men violated you. Attacked you in the vilest way. I don’t care if you walked through that bar buck-naked. When you said ‘no,’ that meant they were to keep their filthy hands off you.”
She hiccupped. “You believe me?”
“Why the hell wouldn’t I? You’ve never lied to me, and you’re torn up about it to this day. How long has it been?”
“Five years—oh, Goddess.” Her eyes opened wider. “Five years ago, July the sixth.”
Easy to see why all this stuff had come to a head now. She was two weeks away from the anniversary, not to mention all the trauma from being displaced by the fire.
; “Anniversaries suck, don’t they? Come here.” He tugged her against his chest again. “Let me just hold you. If you want to tell me about it, I’m listening.”
“I do not want to think about it anymore. It’s over.”
“Is it? After that flashback, I think it’s going to be as raw as the day it happened for a while.” He’d like to believe that kind of pain could be erased from a person’s memory, but knew better.
She drew in a ragged breath. “I guess we can never forget such events.”
“No, but sounds to me like you’ve saddled yourself with a shitload of guilt that doesn’t belong on your back. Want to try and sort that out?”
She didn’t say anything for the longest time and he figured the answer was ‘no,’ until she nodded.
“Whenever you’re ready, tell me what happened, Sweet Pea.”
She plucked at the button on his shirt pocket. Luke decided to give her all the time she needed without prodding. They had all night. He hoped Cassie would finally unload the misplaced guilt. She’d need to if she ever was going to be able to forgive herself.
“We have all night.”
Hell, he could hold her like this the rest of his life, if necessary. She felt so good in his arms.
Chapter Nineteen
Cassie struggled to keep the memories of that horrific night from overwhelming her and spilling out. She did not want to go back to that time in her life. Did not want Lucas to know what had happened. Those monsters needed to remain locked away. Yet the fear clawed at her throat as strongly as it had that night. She almost pushed herself off Lucas’s lap to run.
Dear Goddess, why was she sitting on his lap in the first place? How blatant could she be? On a bed, no less! He could throw her onto the mattress and rape her more easily even than the three men in the cantina.
Why did she not run?
Because Lucas would never do that.
She felt safe here. It made no sense, but for one of the few times in the past five years, she actually believed nothing bad would come from being near a man. How had he penetrated her massive defenses?
His horses. Strange as it sounded, Picasso and O’Keeffe both told her of his patience and kindness. Of course, looking back, she had seen the same in the way he treated her. But if he could be trusted with animals that could never report or prosecute him if he hurt them, then she could trust him further as well.
She closed her eyes, but when the image of the cantina popped into her mind, she opened them again. “I went to the cantina late that evening. After dinner.” The story began spilling out as she hoped by telling someone she could release something pent-up inside her. “My parents thought I was in my room sleeping or studying. I snuck out to meet Pedro because I enjoyed going to clubs in New York with Kitty and thought it would be fun to dance and have a drink or two. I could tell Pedro and his two friends had been there before. Everyone knew them.”
“What happened next?”
“Pedro would not dance with me, so when Luis asked, I pleaded with him to allow me to dance. But Diego cut in. I never would have agreed to dance if Diego had been the one to ask. He scared me. His eyes were cruel. Filled with hatred.”
Lucas’s heart beat faster against her cheek.
“I tried to get Pedro’s attention, hoping he would intervene when Diego touched me inappropriately. But Pedro just kept drinking his beer and flirting with the camerera—I mean, barmaid.”
“What happened next?”
“I went back to the table. Pedro was not angry at Diego for pawing my breast…” Lucas tensed, and she stopped. His anger entered her, and she felt fear building up inside her. She reminded herself that Lucas’s response was toward the rapists, not her.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He was upset with me for dancing, even though he had given his permission, and Diego had cut in. I had not asked to dance with him.”
Cassie was too mortified to tell Luke about her aroused state during the dance.
“Breathe, Sweet Pea. What are you remembering?”
“I do not wish to say.”
“Okay. No pressure, darlin’.”
She played with the button on his shirt, swallowing against the lump in her throat. Lucas patiently waited for her to continue, stroking her hair and giving her the space she needed. But all she could think about was her state of arousal that night. “I am too embarrassed to continue.”
“Whatever you’re thinking is affecting your breathing and pulse rate right now.” She realized he had his thumb pressed against the pulse in her right wrist. “Why don’t you take some deep breaths for me?”
She did and released the negative emotions on each exhale.
“One more.” After this breath, some of the fear receded but barely enough to notice.
She continued to play with the button, feeling the heat rise from his chest under her fingertips. Her nipples started to bunch. Panic set in, and she pulled her hand down into her lap. She hoped he would not see her arousal. What was the matter with her traitorous body?
Soap and leather. Lucas’s scent permeated her senses.
Safe.
“I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
He seemed certain she would tell him. He could wait all he wanted, but she was not sure she could. Her face grew heated, only she knew her body was not reacting to anyone but Lucas at the moment.
“Still awake, Sweet Pea?”
How could she sleep when her mind was in such turmoil? She nodded and closed her eyes, but Pedro’s accusing gaze swam before them. She pounded her closed fist against her thigh. Numb. She pounded again. She wanted to feel something.
Anger erupted. How dare he think she was turned on by his obnoxious friend? “No, it was not like that!” She continued to pound her fist wishing it was Pedro she was bruising and not herself.
“Who are you angry with right now?”
Lucas? She opened her eyes and realized she had been pounding her fist against his chest, not her thigh. Her wrist ached from the impacts. Had she hurt him?
She pulled away and sat up straighter. “Oh, Goddess! I am sorry, Lucas! I did not mean to—”
He chuckled. “You didn’t hurt me, darlin’. Whatever helps you speak the words and let out those long-buried feelings, you just do it.”
Patience. The man had the virtue in spades.
“You do not deserve to be the brunt of my anger.”
“I know you aren’t lashing out at me. Sounds like you pictured in your head that you were landing a few punches against those bastards.”
She shook her head. “No, I thought I was hitting myself but was just too numb to feel it.”
His hand stroked her cheek. “I’d rather you hurt me than yourself. Want to tell me more?”
She stroked his chest where she had pounded against him, hoping to help ease his pain. Even if he would not admit it had hurt, she knew it must have. In a quiet voice that still sounded too loud in her ears, she stared at his chest and asked, “Do you ever feel something so deeply that your body becomes aroused?” Oh, that did not come out right. She met his gaze. “I mean, is there music that excites your senses so much that—” Oh, Goddess, she could not find the right words!
He smiled sympathetically. “It sounds like you’re saying you became aroused by the music. By the dancing.”
Her breath came out in a whoosh. She nodded and found understanding, not condemnation, in his eyes. “Pedro became angry, jealous. He thought I was turned on by having Diego’s hands on me, but it was not that at all. I detested the man. It was the music that excited me. I loved to dance.”
“And you don’t love to dance now?”
She shook her head. “I have not danced since that night.”
Lucas’s hand stroked her back until she was able to breathe again. “Darlin’, it doesn’t surprise me that someone with as much passion as you have would feel the music to your bones. I hope you’ll allow yourself to cut loose again sometime, even if it’s just for yoursel
f and no one’s watching.”
“But I was not just feeling it in my bones. My nipples hardened. Everyone saw my response and Pedro misinterpreted it.” Oh, no! What had led her to reveal her shame?
“Sounds to me like he intentionally misinterpreted it to serve his own twisted purpose. To make you think you asked for it.”
She nodded. “He said that. They both did. If only I had stayed in bed where I belonged.”
“You were a young girl wanting to have some fun. Didn’t you say you and Karla went clubbing? How many times did you get raped while clubbing in New York?”
“Never.”
“So why wouldn’t you have some expectation of safety if you were out with the man who was supposed to protect you above all else? How were you to know he was a snake in the grass waiting to strike?”
His hand stopped moving and his breathing became labored. His anger bombarded her and she moved to stand up—to run—but his arm tightened around her waist.
“Let me go, Lucas.” Her breathing became rapid, shallow.
His hand immediately relaxed at his side essentially releasing her, but his words held her in place. “Honey, I’m not one of those animals. I’m not angry with you, I’m angry for you. But no one is going to hurt you without going through me first. You’re safe here. Take some more slow, deep breaths for me.”
Knowing they would help calm her, she closed her eyes and did as he instructed. He began stroking her back again, and she relaxed even further. “Good girl. Now, when you’re ready, tell me anything else you want to get off your chest.”
Lucas was worse than a bulldog with a bone. Did he not see Cassie was far beyond the point of being comfortable talking any more about that night? She had never even shared this level of detail with Kitty. Why was talking with Lucas different? Something about him, about his presence, made her want to seek this release by speaking the unspeakable.
Calm, controlled, composed.
And beyond patient patient with her.
Not only could Lucas handle more of the horrific details, but she knew he would be there to hold her and help her through the ordeal after sharing her darkest nightmare. He had proven he was strong enough to hear whatever she had to say without judging her or breaking down.
Nobody's Dream (Rescue Me Saga #6) Page 39