She stayed silent so long he wondered if she’d fallen asleep. Then he heard a sniffle.
“You okay, darlin’?” he whispered.
She nodded. “Why are you always so nice to me?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because…” She paused, and he waited. “No reason. I just have not…”
What had she started to say? He could push her and probably uncover some of those self-image issues she needed to work on, but decided she’d been through enough soul-searching for one night. He didn’t want to stir up anything else. She needed some sleep. They had years to sort things out, if she’d stick it out with him.
When she finally spoke again, her words were soft, her voice sleepy. “I am sorry that I have not been very nice to you.”
“What do you mean? You hauled my ass out of a wrecked truck, nursed me back to health twice, even agreed to become my wife.”
“But I have also been a bitch sometimes.”
He chuckled. “I knew all along it was just a defense mechanism. I saw in the way you were with Karla and others that that wasn’t the real you.”
“You’re an observer. Always watching, but not in a creepy way. Well, not once I came to know you better and did not think you were stalking me.”
He couldn’t contain his chuckle. “I earned your trust eventually. That’s the important thing.”
She nodded and remained silent for a long time. When her body became heavier, he knew she was close to falling asleep. He stood, lifting her in his arms, and she startled awake. “Shhh, darlin’. I’m just going to tuck you into bed now so you can get some rest.” He walked around the bed to the other side and placed her gently on the bottom sheet. Her legs were bare where the oversized T-shirt had ridden up, but she remedied that in a flash by grabbing the top sheet and bedspread and yanking them up to her chin.
“Good night, Lucas.”
“Night, Sweet Pea.” He bent down and, for good measure, placed another kiss on her forehead. “Sleep tight. I’ll be in the next room if you need me, and I’m going to keep the door open a crack so I’ll hear you if you have another bad dream. We’ll deal with it before it becomes full-blown.”
She nodded. “Thank you.”
He wished like hell she’d trust him enough to join her in the bed so he could hold her safe in his arms all night long, but someone as skittish as Cassie needed her space. They’d made a lot of headway in a short time.
Be patient.
He picked up his revolver from the dresser and walked out of the room, pulling the door nearly closed. How lucky was it they had found each other? Or maybe it was fate as she believed. Cassie needed companionship as much as he did. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was until after Angel spent those two weeks here and then left when she was ready to try and work things out again. Did Cassie feel that way after he left her place last month?
No matter how, two lonely people had found each other. Funny how life worked out sometimes. He smiled as he made up his bed on the couch. He’d better grab a few winks while he could. Good thing he was a light sleeper in case Cassie needed him again tonight.
Damn, but he liked being needed.
Luke smiled as he crawled between the blanket and the sheet.
* * *
As tired as she was, sleep eluded Cassie after Lucas left the room. She was not afraid he would do something while she slept. In fact, that was what had the wheels turning fastest in her mind.
I am not afraid at all.
Amazing. When was the last time she had been in such close proximity to a man and not feared being raped?
Five years.
Many cancer patients touted the five-year mark as being cured if there were no further outbreaks. Survivors. Would she ever reach a point where she put those horrific days in Peru behind her and consider herself a survivor and no longer a victim? She had survived with her life when some women were not as lucky.
But had she really lived since then?
Hardly.
She existed. She awakened each day. Sometimes she poured what was left of her heart into a piece in the studio, losing whole days and nights before coming up for air. Well, that was before she had the alpacas. They kept her in the moment more because she had to see that they were fed and had water and companionship. Being responsible for other creatures helped keep her from suffering days of depression that used to hit so hard sometimes, especially in the winter months. Winter reminded her of the attack even more so than the actual anniversary because it had been winter that July in the Andes.
A double whammy. Not only did the anniversary of the actual date of the rape hit her, but visceral memories of escaping from the bar and trying to make it home that frigid July night came during the winter months here in Colorado, as well, because that was the season in which she had been raped.
Lucky her.
She sighed. Through the slit in the door, she saw Luke cross the room with an afghan and pillow. She hated that she had put him out of yet another bed and further disrupted his life. They could not continue like this for very long. This was unfair to him. She needed to decide what to do.
Where could she possibly go if she left here? Her heart was in the mountains. After the gallery opening, she should visit the real-estate office. But she knew most rentals were short-term ones for rich vacationers. She should call her landlady, see if there was any hope there.
Her eyelids drooped before she willed them open again. The threat of returning night terrors caused fear to settle into her belly again.
“I don’t want you facing those moments alone.”
Knowing Lucas would hear if she had another nightmare and awaken her, Cassie decided to trust him and allow herself to give in to sleep. She closed her eyes. Just for a moment…
The smell of bread baking awakened her. Sun streamed through the slits in the heavy curtains. Morning. She had slept through the night. No more terrors.
Incredible.
She smiled and tossed the covers off. After showering and dressing, she sought out Lucas in the kitchen. He sat at the table reading from what appeared to be a horse magazine.
He looked up and smiled. “Mornin’, Sweet Pea. Hungry?”
“Famished.” She realized she truly was hungry for the first time in days. Maybe longer. “The sourdough smells fantastic.”
“Thanks. I use my momma’s starter.”
“Starter?”
He explained the complex process of making sourdough and how the baker had to keep feeding the base so the fermentation process did not die. The fact that the loaf of bread they were eating was somehow connected with loaves his mother made years or even decades ago fascinated Cassie.
“I would love to have a cup of your starter when I go…” She realized she had neither a place to live nor a clue when she would be able to leave, so she finished the sentence differently than she had expected. “…when I go to Kitty’s shower on Sunday. I will give her a bread machine, too.” She shrugged at his confused expression. “Not the typical baby shower gift, but I know how much she enjoys baking for Adam. This will save her time and allow her to make something better for them, but still let her enjoy doing that while she’s busy with the babies.”
Cassie had never understood Kitty’s need to do little things like bake for Adam until she had taken care of Lucas while he recovered from his accident. Cooking a pot of soup or making special dishes from her homeland and sharing them with him gave her great joy. He appreciated everything she did so much, even things she would have done anyway with or without him.
Lucas stood and came toward her as if to hug her. On instinct, she took a step back, and he stopped a few feet away rather than invade her personal space. Why did she regret that she had stopped him short of hugging her? It probably was wise to keep some space between them. She was not thinking clearly.
“You’re welcome to the starter any time, too.”
She nodded, but the thought saddened her for some reason. Would she ever g
et back into the mountains? She had intended to put half of the proceeds from her gallery exhibition into a fund for those left homeless by these random, devastating wildfires but never dreamed she would be among those burned out of her home.
They prepared breakfast in silence, he making his beloved bacon and eggs and she a fruit plate, yogurt, and whole-grain cereal. Both enjoyed the fresh-baked bread, though.
After eating her fill, she set down her spoon. “Will you be working with O’Keeffe today?”
“Sure will. I usually take care of the others first and then work with her when things quiet down.”
“Would you mind if I joined you?”
“Hey, you have to earn your keep, remember?” His teasing grin told her he was joking, and she returned the smile.
“It does not seem like I am repaying you for anything when I love doing it. She calls to me somehow.”
He sobered. “Join the club. They all do in some way, but she’s especially haunting. I guess because she hasn’t let her guard down yet. Speaking of which, thank you for trusting me last night. I know how scary that must have been, but I’m glad I could be there for you when you were ready.”
“Me, too.” She had fought those night terrors alone for so long. She glanced down, embarrassed for some reason. She was not used to asking anyone to do anything for her, but had become very beholden to this man.
My dear friend, Lucas.
And her husband.
In name alone.
He stood and picked up his dishes while she did the same with hers. “Let’s head out to the barn and start, then. I’ll bet they’re wondering what we’re up to this morning.”
She realized how late this must be for him to set about doing his chores. Lucas promised to stay inside the house after her episode last night in case she had another, and he had done just that.
A man of his word. She reached out to squeeze his arm and almost pulled back before willing herself to take the chance and make this contact. “Thank you, Lucas.”
“What for?”
“For being a man with integrity. Being who you are.”
“Who else would I be?”
She smiled. “You are not like other men.” At his puzzled expression, she wished she could convey what she meant, but words failed her.
He grinned sheepishly. “Let’s go before you swell my head again.”
She did not understand his reference, but he walked across the room, grabbed his Stetson from the hook by the door, and held the door open for her to walk through.
In many ways, he reminded her of Papá. Or Eduardo. Both had been raised to respect women, as well, but Lucas did so in a way that did not make her feel patronized or subjugated. Both her father and brother believed women had their place and those women who did not conform left themselves vulnerable to being hurt.
If they had any idea how badly…
But Cassie did not want to conform. She also did not want to be around men.
Except perhaps for one.
What was she going to do about this man she had married?
Chapter Twenty
Cassie lifted Aurora from the crescent-moon bed. “Precious one, I am so glad you are home now.” Seeing the three babies curled up together in the bed Lucas made warmed her heart. She would sketch a picture of them for him.
Kitty would now be able to focus more on healing and less on running between the babies at home and the one in the hospital now. Perfect timing with the long overdue baby shower just a few hours away.
“My wish for you is a life free of worry and strife, but the strength to face any challenge that comes your way.”
“What a beautiful wish for her.” Cassie turned to find Kitty standing in the bathroom doorway in her robe and slippers. Her face bore the strain of her recent illness and exhaustion, especially in the smudges under her eyes. She padded across the room, her hand pressed against her abdomen. Her body had been ravaged by the births and then her hemorrhage. But despite all that, she smiled.
Cassie wrapped her free hand around Kitty’s back and hugged her. “You scared us all so much.”
“None worse than Adam. He’s still not sleeping—worse than ever before. I’ve had to get used to sleeping with him watching over me again.”
“Adam is a natural guardian. He will probably always worry that something will happen to take another of his loved ones away. I just hope that he can find some peace inside to no longer blame himself for what happens to others.”
“I hope so, too. At least he saw with my complication that sometimes it has nothing to do with what he did or didn’t do. Things just happen.”
Kitty’s words struck a chord. How many times had Cassie blamed herself for being in that cantina the night of the rape? No matter what she had done, she had been horribly violated and the only people to blame were those three animals. No, animal was too kind a word to describe them.
“You okay, Cassie?”
Kitty stroked her cheek, and she came back to the present and forced a smile. “I think I understand more about love after watching you and Adam go through this crisis.”
Kitty smiled, but Cassie detected pity in her eyes. “I hope you find that someday, Cassie. You have so much to offer someone, if only…”
Cassie sighed. She still had not told her best friend about her marriage to Lucas. Of course, it was not what Kitty would call a marriage, either—not like what she had with Adam. She would never understand.
Cassie did not understand her deepening feelings for Lucas, either. There were all kinds of love, she supposed. Her heart had strong emotions toward the man who had invaded her world and battered down so many of her defenses this spring. The love she felt was not like that of a sibling, more a deep friendship.
“I think having to take care of Lucas when he was injured made me think about someone other than myself for the first time in years.”
“Oh, Cassie, that’s not true. You’ve always cared about me.”
You’re not a man. Aloud she said, “You are easy to love, Kitty. Besides, you have seen me at my worst.”
After the other night, so had Lucas. Having him hold her during her meltdown the other night brought home the fact that he would not take advantage of her even at her most vulnerable. She trusted him more than she did any man other than her family.
Aurora whimpered, and they both turned their attention to her. She blinked and stared at first one then the other before pursing her lips and sucking. “I’ll change her if you want to get ready to nurse.”
Kitty was already removing her robe and unbuttoning what looked like one of Adam’s flannel shirts. Once quite the fashion-conscious dresser, she had certainly toned down her look. How else had motherhood—and illness—changed her friend? She wore no makeup, and still looked beautiful with her pale skin against her dark hair.
After a quick diaper change, Cassie waited for Kitty to sit in the glider and handed the baby to her. Aurora’s tiny mouth opened and she made hungry gasps as she sought her mamá’s breast. Cassie blinked away the surprising sting of tears. She would paint a portrait of Kitty with her tiniest baby when she got back into her studio. Well, Lucas’s studio. She let the memory sear itself into her brain.
“Kitten, do you need anyth—” Adam stood in the doorway. “I see Cassie’s already on it.” He smiled at her and Cassie smiled back. She no longer felt threatened by Adam, either. Had it been their nights at the hospital caring for the woman they both loved so dearly? Or had her time with Lucas softened her heart and lessened her fear of being near the man? Most likely the former, because she still did not fully trust any other men.
Cassie walked toward Adam without any sense of fear. “I will leave you two alone while I go down and finish up the dip I am making for the party.”
“Thanks, hon. The gang ought to be here in a couple of hours. It’ll be some party between the baby shower and Marisol’s eighth birthday.”
“Not to mention your birthday, Adam. We didn’t get to celebrate t
hree weeks ago because I was back in the hospital.”
At the mention of that dark time, a shadow crossed Adam’s face, and the memory of his rekindled pain slammed into Cassie without warning. Adam had proven his worth to Cassie in the way he saw to Kitty’s needs and put his family above all others. Kitty was blessed to have such a supportive, loving man in her life.
Would Cassie ever allow herself that kind of relationship? The only person keeping her from it was herself. Why was she so afraid to let Lucas closer? Perhaps the therapist she would be meeting with this week would help. She’d gone through rape counseling at Columbia, but had only focused on the trauma and how to cope with the day-to-day experiences of a college student. She still harbored much hatred and anger toward her rapists—and men, in general.
Adam crossed the room to stand beside Kitty. “At my age, I’d rather forget birthdays.” He reached out and stroked her cheek. Kitty closed her eyes and leaned into his hand.
So much love. And trust.
Could Cassie place that much trust in Lucas?
She turned and slipped out of the room unnoticed. Of course, what she and Lucas had was different. Not the same as Kitty and Adam’s special bond.
* * *
Ryder Wilson rolled the throttle as they made the turn down the quiet residential street where Top—remember he wants you to call him Adam now—said he lived. At least he’d been able to skirt downtown, but city traffic around Denver made him jittery.
Megan’s hand under his leather jacket continued to ground him as she stroked his chest through his T-shirt.
Still, his fear of cities would be nothing compared to facing his former master sergeant again. Why Megan had thought it was such a great idea to save their announcement until they met face to face with her brother confounded him. Her mother and her other brother knew.
Nobody's Dream (Rescue Me Saga #6) Page 41