by Zee Monodee
It. She thought of her baby as ‘it.’ Surely, that wasn’t normal, right? She hadn’t wanted a baby yet, but now that it was here, she couldn’t throw it away. She had to accept her reality.
But that didn’t mean she had to start fantasizing about what he or she would look like, be like, or even the colour of the nursery.
At all these thoughts, her headache increased tenfold, and she winced. She couldn’t take any painkiller without asking Gayle first, and so the rest of the morning passed in a blur of dull red fog with an invisible, roaring hammer beating against her skull. Thank goodness there hadn’t been any appointments or big meetings scheduled that day. For once, she was even glad when her boss failed, yet again, to report to the office.
Noon came all too soon. Her stomach in twists that would make a corkscrew look like it had been pulled straight, she couldn’t eat, and all she did was tip back a bottle of drinking yogurt down her throat.
She made it to the surgery Gayle shared with two other doctors near Kew Gardens at half past twelve and took a seat in a far corner, away from the two couples who also waited. One of the women was heavily pregnant, and the other looked like she’d just started to show.
What Jane noticed, however, was that they each had their man with them. The blokes held their hands, smiled at them, and bore silly, goofy grins on their faces. They were happy to become fathers, no doubt.
A flicker of pain touched her heart. She didn’t have any of that.
Time started to stretch in the waiting room, and she caught the sly glances one of the women kept sending her. Everyone knew she was alone. Obvious to the naked eye she’d gotten herself up the duff and the bloke hadn’t followed.
A young nurse came up to her then. “Miss Smithers?”
She nodded.
“Dr. Larkin just called, says she’ll be a little late. Would like a cuppa in the meantime?”
She shook her head. “No, thanks.”
The nurse left. Jane followed her with her gaze, and noticed the clock near the front desk read five to one. While glancing back at the entrance, her breath hitched in her throat.
This isn’t true.
Could that tall, dark man in a divine slate-grey suit, crisp white shirt, and dark silk tie really be him?
He exchanged a few words with the nurse at the desk, who showed him the waiting room, seeming to point right at Jane. He turned, and she gasped.
Oh, yes. Him, indeed. Michael Rinaldi.
What the hell was he doing here?
She could only watch as he strolled through the waiting room with a brisk, confident stride to come sit by her side. Before she could face him, a wild urge gripped her, and she peeked at the two other women in the room. Their mouths hung open, their eyes wide. Shock blanketed the features of the one who’d looked down at her only minutes before.
Take that, you cow.
“I thought I’d be late.” Michael sat down next to her.
Shaking off the smug satisfaction of her bitchy victory, she opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Surprise seemed to have cut her vocal chords.
“What are you doing here?”
“You didn’t want me to come?”
He cocked an eyebrow, and she’d heard a hint of teasing in his voice. How could he be so exasperating?
“That’s not the point.”
“Isn’t it?”
A touch of cool had seeped into his words.
Oh, no, not a fight. Not here, not now, and certainly not with him. She needed to keep her cool. He wouldn’t answer, temperamental man that he was. He did things as and when they suited him, and she had the feeling an explanation featured nowhere on his agenda.
She kept quiet for a few—long—minutes. Curiosity gnawed at her, but she tried to keep it at bay. In the end, it won, though.
“Just what do you think you’re doing here?” She turned to face him.
His jaw clenched. “What a man in my position is supposed to do.”
“Meaning?”
He gave her a cold stare, one that should have made her shut up, but she had no desire to keep the peace any longer.
“You leave me yesterday without a word, driving off as if the hounds of Hell were hot on your trail, and then you pop in here for my appointment at the doctor’s?” She paused, a thought making its way into her head. “How did you even know I had an appointment and with whom?”
He shrugged. “Right there for the world to see on your phone.”
He’d been through her phone? The cheek of him. She gasped.
“You had no right to poke your nose into my things!”
“Jane.”
A note of warning lay etched in his growling tone. But tired of being batted around by everyone when and where it suited them, she ignored the threat.
“What?”
She forced her voice to remain hushed even if her exasperation shone through the word. They were both keeping their tones down, which made their argument even more absurd in the current setting. If she hadn’t been so worked up, she would’ve laughed.
“Don’t push.”
He’d spoken in that low growl again.
“Oh, I’m pushing? I’m pushing? What about you? You disappear without a word, leaving me hanging as to your real intentions, and when I ask a few questions to find some semblance of understanding, I’m pushing?”
“I should’ve bloody been in Qatar right now. I’ve been through Hell and back trying to work everything out from home soil through an uncooperative Internet connection just so I could be here with you today.”
“Why? I never asked you—”
“Jane, sweets, I’m so sorry I made you wait.” Gayle Larkin’s throaty voice filled the waiting room as she crossed the threshold.
Both Jane and Michael stood.
“A complicated delivery—” Gayle stopped when she caught sight of Michael. “Come into my office, will you?”
Jane nodded and proceeded forward, Michael right behind her. Just after she’d crossed into the office, Gayle clasped her arm.
“Who’s he?” she murmured in Jane’s ear.
“Don’t ask.”
Gayle raised her eyebrows but said nothing. Not a good sign when the doctor acquiesced to her request.
“Have a seat.” She went behind the desk and sat down in the big chair behind it. “So, Jane, luv, nervous?”
Jane glared at her. Gayle turned her dark gaze onto Michael.
“We haven’t been introduced.”
He put out his right hand. “Michael Rinaldi. A friend of Jane.”
Gayle returned a quizzical glance at her while shaking his outstretched hand. “I see.”
He chuckled. “We all know I’m not the baby’s father, so there’s no need to walk on eggshells.”
Gayle’s eyes narrowed. Jane took a deep breath.
“And you’re here for … moral support?”
“Something like that.”
“I see.”
“Gayle.”
The atmosphere was getting tense, too many questions hanging like wisps of lethal smoke. She’d had to bring the topic around to what really mattered.
“Oh, yes. Forgive me. I got side-tracked.” The doctor pulled the file in front of her on her desk and opened it. “Luv, your blood work came back, and there’s a slight concern.”
Jane sat up straighter in her chair. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Michael do the same.
“What?”
“Nothing we cannot rectify, thank goodness. You’re anaemic, girl. My guess is you’re running yourself ragged and not eating properly.”
Silence hung heavy in the room.
“Have you been experiencing dizzy spells lately? Fainting, even?”
Jane nodded, but it was Michael who answered.
“She nearly fainted a half-dozen times in the past few days.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
Gayle’s answer was matter of fact, but her eyebrows were raised again, as if to a
sk, how would you know that, you stud?
The unspoken question was also directed at Jane, who squirmed in her seat.
“We’re going to put you on iron supplements ASAP. You’ll also need to do your blood work regularly. I’ll be keeping a special eye on you, so that means we’ll meet every month until you reach thirty weeks. After that, once every fortnight.” She paused. “I hope you’ll be able to clear your schedule.”
“She will be,” Michael calmly volunteered for her.
“Good. You’ll also need to adapt your diet. Lots of iron-rich food, lots of Vitamin C, and you’ll also be taking the multivitamin, folic acid, and B-complex tablets I prescribed last time.”
“What tablets?” He turned to her, a frown marring his forehead. “I haven’t seen you take any tablet after your meals.”
Jane felt herself turn bright red. Suddenly, she felt like the disobedient little girl who’d played truant. “I forgot them at my place.”
He pulled out his phone and tapped something on it quickly. “This will ring after every meal. I’ll check or call to make sure you’re taking them as from now.”
Stop this.
But the words didn’t leave her mouth. She hated being taken for a child, but at the same time, a warm feeling crept up over her. No one had ever bothered about her, and to have Michael caring, even if he was bullying, was something new and reassuring.
“Everything else okay?” He nodded towards the doctor.
“Everything seems fine on her side. We’ll confirm all this now, though.”
The ultrasound. The dreaded time had come.
“Gayle, reassure me. This doesn’t hurt, does it?”
Her voice had grown small and low, and she lowered her gaze. Somehow, she didn’t want Michael to know she was chicken when in unknown territory.
Gayle laughed. “Not the least, luv. You’ll just have sticky skin on your belly until you can take a shower. Did you drink water as I instructed you to?”
She nodded.
“Good. Then let’s go over there.” When she reached the connecting door, she called over her shoulder. “Mr. Rinaldi can come, too.”
Michael turned to face her. “Do you want me to?”
No.
But her gaze caught on his face, and she couldn’t bring herself to say the word. Was that vulnerability, even longing, that she saw on his features? His eyes were expectant, his jaw clenched with that little nerve beating in his cheek.
“Yes,” she acquiesced with a whisper and a nod.
Gayle called from next door. “Come on, luveys. I don’t have all day.”
Flustered, Jane flew headlong into the adjoining consultation room. She heard Michael follow her, but didn’t pause to look back.
“Do I need to change?” She gazed around the stark, sterile-looking anteroom.
“No need. You can simply wear the skirt low and lift your blouse off your abdomen. Before, we need to take your blood pressure and weight.”
A nurse came over to take the measures. Jane then lowered herself onto the examination table, and was relieved that Michael had the decency to turn away while she adjusted her clothing.
When she was settled, Gayle stepped over to her side. “You can come over now, Mr. Rinaldi.”
He moved forward until he stood at the foot of the bed, his eyes riveted on the screen on the portable ultrasound machine.
“I’ll tell you how this works.” Gayle pressed some buttons on the device’s keyboard. “First, we apply this cold jelly to your skin. It’ll help the probe glide better ...”
Jane tuned her out then. All her senses were in overdrive because of the man who stood at her feet. If she’d ever thought she’d have a bloke like him with her when she’d be taking her booking ultrasound—
She yelped when the cold jelly touched her skin. Gayle laughed and placed the probe against her belly. She had the sudden urge to pee and tried as much as possible not to fidget. From time to time, Gayle released the pressure on the probe, and the nerve-racking urge let up. She glanced at the screen, but all she saw was a garbled grey image that resembled a TV playing without an antenna.
“All right. So you’re really about twelve weeks along, going into your second trimester. The nausea should ease up a bit now, luv.”
Jane let her gaze drift to Michael. He watched the screen, but as if he’d felt her attention on him, he looked at her, too, and their eyes locked. Try as she might, she couldn’t tear away from the connection, like she was drifting in a haze, not really there, watching her body on that bed from afar.
“Now, let’s see if we can add sound to the images.”
Gayle fiddled with some controls, and suddenly, a resounding bass beat filled the room, echoing off the walls.
“Healthy little imp. The heartbeat is at the normal rate for a foetus of twelve weeks.”
Heartbeat?
Michael’s eyes grew wide, and she was sure hers had, as well.
That was the baby’s heart beating? That strange sound, like the thump of an overzealous electro-house DJ on ecstasy in a nightclub at Ibiza?
A heart beating. Alive. It was well and truly alive.
A wave of panic overcame her when she realized what this meant. She’d known she was pregnant, but never before now had she had the consciousness of a living, breathing entity growing inside her.
Her face grew clammy and cold, and she brought a hand up to cover her mouth, stifling the gasp that escaped her.
“Jane?”
She heard Gayle’s voice from afar as everything around her merged into a kaleidoscope of grey.
*
“Jane?”
Before he could think, Michael found himself by her side, sitting on the bed next to her.
Her eyes were now huge, the pupils dilated. A faint shimmer glimmered in them, like tears gathering. Her face had paled.
The sound still echoed around them, a strong, regular, powerful beat. The child inside her sure was a healthy fella.
Jane failed to register both his and the doctor’s call. From the look of her, though, he’d say she was panicked. Right out of her senses.
He turned to the doctor, who wore a worried frown on her face.
“Can you leave me alone with her for a few minutes? She’s panicking.”
The woman nodded. “If you can’t calm her, let me know. Being in shock isn’t good for the baby.”
“I will.”
The words were strangled when they came out. He couldn’t bear to think of the possibility that Jane would put her, and the baby’s, life in danger, and sedating her wasn’t an option.
He waited until the door had closed with a soft click, then scooted as close as he could to Jane’s reclining body.
Her skin was cold when he touched her. Icy and clammy, with a marble-like paleness that made him think of a statue. Not good.
“Jane.”
When she failed to respond, he spoke again. When that, too, didn’t bring any response, he reached for her hands, peeling the one on her mouth in the process.
With her ice-cold fingers in his grip, which he kept gentle, he rubbed his thumbs on the back of her hands.
“Jane, luv, look at me.”
She blinked, but didn’t move otherwise.
The beat of the baby’s heart reverberated around them. As long as Jane heard the sound so loudly, her mind wouldn’t unfreeze from its panic. He searched the dashboard of the machine and turned a dial that seemed to work for volume control. Hell, if he broke the damn apparatus, he’d buy the doctor another one. Nothing mattered right now but Jane.
Thankfully, the sound lowered, until it all but disappeared.
Jane started shaking, tears flowing down her cheeks.
“Oh, no, Jane, no.” He sighed.
Releasing her hands, he leaned forward and pulled her into his arms. She remained stiff at first, but then she brought her arms up and clung to him, fisting her hands on his jacket.
He rocked her for a moment.
“
I … I didn’t understand.”
Her voice sounded thick and strangled against his shoulder.
Somehow, he knew what she meant. “It’s okay.”
“That’s a living being there.”
“I know.”
“Michael, what am I going to do?”
She’d said his name, and in a way that suggested he was the only one who could help her.
Well, help her, he would. And help that little fella, too, he would.
Pulling away until she faced him, he brought his hands up and cradled her face in his palms.
“Look at me.”
She raised those big, soulful eyes to him, and he swallowed, hard.
He took a deep breath. “You don’t have to do anything alone, you hear me?”
She blinked.
“We’ll do everything together.”
There, he’d said it. And he meant it. As to convincing her, though ...
She stared at him for a long moment before she licked her lips, closed her eyes, and pressed one cheek into his palm.
There was need in that gesture. He felt it. She wanted to believe.
“Trust me.” He rubbed the pad of his thumb along her cheekbone.
She opened her eyes. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Trust me.”
Finally, she nodded. He smiled, and swiped at the trail of tears on her cheek. Her skin was soft, and not as cold as earlier.
“We’ll make it.”
There was a knock at the door, and Dr. Larkin poked her head in. “Things okay?”
“Yes.” He looked at the doctor. “She’ll be fine.”
“Now, the booking scan isn’t complete. You want me to proceed, or do I give you another appointment?”
He glanced at Jane, who stared back.
“Go ahead.” She nodded her agreement.
Her voice was dull, and she looked oddly defeated. He didn’t like seeing her like that, and more, he worried about her. He released her face and stood, but her hand found its way onto his palm while she kept her eyes averted. He pressed her fingers.
The doctor continued with the ultrasound, and had the good sense to not bring the volume up again on the heartbeat monitor. Fifteen minutes later, she proclaimed everything appeared fine.
Michael knew he wanted, and needed, to have a few words with the doctor in private. He bent towards Jane. “I’ll leave you to tidy up, okay?”