On a Summer Night

by Gabriel D. Vidrine

  I didn’t say it out loud, but it was going to be better for me to shower when no one was around. If I could do everything, including getting dressed, in the shower, that would be ideal. I preferred to do that as far away from other people as possible.

  Once more, we trooped up the mountain. I signed up for dodgeball for the afternoon because Ella really wanted to play instead of watch. In the cabin, Wade was already telling the other boys what we could and could not do during Quiet Time. “You can nap, which I highly recommend, or you can read or do something else quietly. You just can’t go to the showers, and you can’t make a lot of noise. No talking, okay?”

  I didn’t think nap time was a useful way to spend part of an afternoon, but I could see some of the others were tired. I hopped onto my bunk with my book and read for the hour.

  Once it was over, everyone else headed for the showers. I pulled Wade aside and asked him if it was okay if I showered at night.

  “As long as you’re in bed by lights-out,” he said.

  Good, because that would be the best thing for me. I wouldn’t run the risk of encountering anyone else in the showers. I might get cold, but that was an easy price to pay. I hoped no one took special notice of me going to the showers at night.

  I changed into some clothes that would do better for dodgeball and met Ella at Lincoln Lodge. I hoped I wasn’t going to regret this.

  A crowd had already formed when we got to the pavilion. To my dismay, Ryan was there. Alex was, too, but he was standing off to the side, ignoring everyone else. I wondered why he’d signed up if he didn’t like anyone. Being hit by large balls probably wasn’t going to help his mood or what he thought of everyone.

  I was surprised to see Lars was one of the counselors in charge. Wade was the other, which was a relief. If anything went badly between Ryan and me, he’d be there to see it. If he was paying attention.

  Lars had changed clothes yet again and was now wearing a pair of bell-bottoms that looked like they were originally from the ’70s. They were worn and faded and had a riot of brightly colored patches all over them. He was still wearing the ugly Easter sweater and hadn’t even broken a sweat despite the heat.

  Weird guy.

  I couldn’t help but notice his rear end in the tight jeans, though.

  Ella elbowed me. “You’re being obvious,” she whispered. “But I don’t blame you. You know we joke that the butt buns were modeled by Lars, right?”

  I blushed so furiously my face got hot enough to spring out in an immediate sweat. Ella was smart enough not to laugh at me.

  Wade split us into two teams, and he wisely put Ella, Ryan, and me on the same team. Alex, too, which seemed to cheer him up a bit. Being on the same team meant Ryan wouldn’t have a chance or reason to hit me with a ball. But I caught the expression on Ella’s face. She stood as far away from him as she could, and I saw him glance at her a few times.

  We spread out over the pavilion, and I stood toward the back with Ella and Alex. I didn’t know how vicious this was going to be and didn’t want to get hit first if I could help it.

  Both Lars and Wade threw a ball, one to each team, and it all began.

  Two teams opposed one another across the centerline, and with two balls, it would be harder to keep track of them both. Once hit with a ball, instead of being “out,” a player would go to “jail,” which was on the fringes of the opposing side’s space. To get free of jail, they’d have to hit someone else.

  I liked that one hit didn’t mean you were out of the game entirely. And with two balls it was harder for the teams to monitor who had one, and so the kids in jail got out pretty quickly.

  Even though it was difficult following both balls, I couldn’t help but smile as I bobbed and weaved as they were chucked at me. Ella got hit early on and jogged over to the jail on the other side. I tried my best to get her a ball, but I had a hard time catching them.

  The binder made running harder, and I was almost constantly out of breath, but that was okay. I dodged another ball, only to have it bounce off the cement and take Alex in the gut. He oofed and then stalked off to the jail.

  I ran after the ball and got it before it rolled into our jail, and chucked it at Ella. She caught it and immediately hurled it at an unsuspecting player on the other side. It grazed his arm, and Ella yelped with glee. She ran back over, and we high-fived.

  Our side didn’t seem to be doing as well, but that hardly mattered.

  Only moments after Ella got out, I got hit and went into jail. Alex stood near me, but his mind clearly wasn’t on the game. He stared off into the woods for a while, and I wondered why.

  I got the ball that Ryan—of all people—threw at me but missed my shot. The ball rolled over to the other side, where no one was standing. I wasn’t going to make it, so I nudged Alex. “Go! You can catch it.”

  He eyed me with disdain and didn’t move.

  Okay, then.

  Someone on the other team got the ball and chucked it. Two balls at the same time went for Ryan, but he was too fast. He caught one of them and hurled it back at me. That time, I handed the ball to Alex instead. “Go for it.”

  He took it, surprise evident on his face. A girl turned her back to keep track of the other ball, and Alex nailed her with his. She shrieked in mock anger, and then, grinning, gave him a thumbs-up and trotted over to the jail. Alex looked at me, said a quick “Thanks,” and went back to our side.

  I spent the next five minutes in jail, trying to get someone to throw me a ball. But they were either intercepted or when I got the ball I missed my target.

  After, I gave up trying and just watched, hoping someone would throw one my way. But in jail I stayed until Lars and Wade finally called the game to a halt.

  We were all sweaty and tired and out of breath. I wanted to take my binder off, since it was soaked and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t take a shower yet. The binder was so tight, I shouldn’t be wearing it so much anyway, but I didn’t know of a good time to take it off and not have my chest noticed. It should have come off at Quiet Time, but I hadn’t had the chance.

  It was exhausting. I was about ready to tell everyone anyway, just so I could stop bending over backward to hide it.

  One of the balls got away from Lars and rolled to my feet. As I bent down to pick it up, Ryan walked up to me. I was about to straighten up and thank him for the assists, but he veered into me and knocked me over. Since I was still mostly bent over, I went face-first into the concrete, scraping my cheek.

  “Hey, asshole!” I yelled from the floor, my hand held to my stinging face.

  A few people stopped talking to stare. Ryan turned to me and fury was on his face. “What of it, runt?”

  A red haze filled my vision. My heart pounded in my chest. I was sure he knew, and he was going to blurt it out in front of everyone.

  “Why help him, anyway?” Ryan scoffed, jerking his head at someone. I looked at who he was referring to and was surprised to see it was Alex. What problem did Ryan have with Alex?

  “It’s just a game,” I said, standing up. “Why the hell would you push me over?”

  “He’s gay,” Ryan said, and then repeated it, mocking, “Gaaaayyy.”

  I flushed.

  “Hey, hey now,” said Wade, noticing the brewing fight. He saw my bloodied cheek. “Are you all right?”

  “Fine,” I said.

  “What happened?”

  Ella cut in, “Ryan pushed Casey!” Her blonde hair swung around her face as she pointed an accusing finger at him.

  Wade turned a dark look on Ryan, who shrugged, smiled a shit-eating grin, and said, “It was an accident.”

  “Like hell it was,” I said.

  Wade frowned at both of us. “None of that,” he said, shaking a finger at me.

  “What?” I asked, honestly confused. “What did I do?”

  Wade ignored me. “Shake hands, both of you.”

  “No way,” I blurted. “He pushed me.”

  “It was an accident!�
�

  “Then apologize!” I yelled back.

  Wade smacked a fist into his palm. “Enough! Both of you will be doing extra chores for fighting!”

  I opened my mouth to protest, and Ella made an outraged sound, but Wade said, “Not another word out of any of you! Now, we’ve had a nice round of dodgeball, and this is what’s going to happen.” He turned to me. “Casey, go to the nurse and get that checked out. Ryan, go back to the cabin. You’re there until dinner.” He shook his finger in Ryan’s rebellious face. “I’ll be up in a few minutes, so you’d better be there.”

  Ryan stormed off, trailed by a few of his hangers-on.

  Ella took my arm and fiercely said, “I’ll go with you to the nurse.”

  I glared after Ryan, wishing I had lasers for eyes so I could burn a hole in his back. My cheek smarted. Ella led me off the pavilion and across the field.

  There was a tiny house next to the field, across the road, which I hadn’t really paid attention to. It turned out it was the nurse’s place.

  Ella knocked on the door, and an elderly woman in a long blue skirt and white blouse opened the door. “Oh, dear,” she said, noticing my bloody cheek.

  She sent Ella back out, with strict instructions to let Wade know where I was, and drew me into her examination room. “What happened?” she asked.

  “Another kid pushed me, and I fell onto the concrete.” My anger had started to fade, and the injustice of it was starting to rankle. Why were adults so oblivious and unfair?

  “Well, that’s a problem.” She bustled around the room, getting a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, some cotton swabs, and a packet of gauze bandages and tape from a few cupboards and drawers. She poured out some of the peroxide onto a piece of gauze and dabbed at my cheek. It stung worse, and I winced.

  “Looks pretty clean,” she said after a moment. “That’s a good thing. But I’ll still give you something to numb it up a bit.”

  She got out a tube of something from another drawer, squeezed some out onto a swab, and dabbed it onto my face. It was cool, and the stinging subsided as she worked.

  The nurse put a large piece of gauze over the wound, and then taped it up. It covered almost half my face. “There you go.”

  “Can I use your bathroom?” I asked.

  “Of course.”

  She showed me where it was, and I took the opportunity to remove my binder. It had started to smell, and I felt gross. But the pressure was off of my chest. My ribs were hurting, and that wasn’t a good sign. Big red creases marred my skin, and I checked them carefully for bleeding. The binder hadn’t cut me but had come pretty close. I might have to forgo it for a day, and that wasn’t a great option. I knew I couldn’t wear it for at least the rest of the afternoon. I shoved it into my pocket as best I could, though it left a big lump there.

  I left the infirmary after thanking the nurse and trudged my way back up the mountain. My face still stung a little, though the ointment she’d put on was starting to work. I went straight to the cabin and found Wade railing at Ryan. That gave me a little bit of satisfaction, until the counselor rounded on me as well.

  “I’m disappointed in both of you.” Wade glanced back and forth between us. “I can’t believe I have two boys from my cabin in trouble for fighting. I’ve never had a situation like this.”

  The anger inside me rose, and I tried to tell him I didn’t start it, but he never gave me a chance to speak.

  “I don’t care whose fault it is, or who started it.” His voice rose to drown me out. “This is unacceptable. Both of you will be working extra to make up for this, and I might have you do it the whole rest of the time you’re here. I clearly outlined the rules ahead of time, and you broke the most important one on the first full day. I don’t want to hear it!” he said as I opened my mouth again. Ryan was staring at the wall, his face frozen. “If I found out either of you have taken one more step out of line, I’m going to call your families and have them come pick you up. Is that clear?”

  My heart sank.

  Ryan sneered, but Wade wasn’t going to have any of it. “You attacked another camper, Ryan, and even your uncle and your dad will pull you out for that.”

  That wiped the expression of off Ryan’s face, and his jaw tightened, his lips a thin white line. But he said nothing.

  “Both of you are to stay here until dinner. To make sure you don’t get into any more trouble, I’m staying here, too. There will be no more talking.”

  I stormed to my bunk, kicked open my trunk, and pulled my binder out of my pocket when no one was looking and dumped it there. Grabbing my book, I thought reading might help, but all I could do was stare at the page and imagine punching Ryan in the face. I repeatedly went over what I wanted to say to Wade but hadn’t been allowed. None of it was nice.

  It was totally unfair I was getting punished. I hadn’t done anything to Ryan, and he had knocked me over. And that was after he’d actually helped me in the game.

  His words, though, about his reasoning behind the sudden change, came back to me. I had almost forgotten them in the chaos.

  Ryan had claimed that Alex was gay. I had helped get Alex out of jail, and that apparently offended Ryan enough for him to attack me.

  If that were true, it was no wonder Alex was cold and distant. Especially if he knew Ryan was prejudiced, or maybe he’d done something to him before.

  I might be able to reach out to Alex if he would let me. But I had to be careful. If he really was gay, he might be sensitive about it and wouldn’t like me talking about it around him. If he wasn’t gay, he might blow up and do something to prove he wasn’t—like fight me. I couldn’t get caught fighting again.

  I slammed my book down and stared at the ceiling instead. Why did we all have to be so stupid to one another? Why couldn’t we just accept one another the way we were? Why did I have to fight so hard to be myself? Why should Alex have to hide whether he was gay or not?

  I rolled over and looked out the screen window, feeling the cooler air blow on my face. It was getting close to dinnertime, and the sun was already starting to descend. My stomach growled.

  I felt sorry for Alex. I felt sorry for myself. I even, sort of, felt sorry for Ryan. It must be exhausting to carry around all that hate, that tension, inside him. But I couldn’t feel too sorry for him. He’d chosen that, and he could choose not to hate if he wanted to.

  There were kids playing and running around outside, enjoying themselves, and sadness crept into my heart, replacing the anger. I should be out there, too, with Ella, having fun. Instead, I was only watching it all, and it was just the first day. I wanted to hate this place. A sudden homesickness overwhelmed me, and I almost rolled over and told Wade to call my parents. I was leaving.

  But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let Ryan win—let him chase me away from something I’d wanted to do for years. I was living as a boy, passing as a boy. Even getting into trouble as a boy. It was what I’d wanted for so long. I couldn’t give up now. I couldn’t disappoint Ella, either, who had wanted me to come to this camp so badly.

  Next year, there’d be no more camp for me. I’d be fifteen and in high school, too old to go to camp again. I didn’t want the memories of my first time at a regular camp to be tainted by me leaving before I’d even gotten through an entire day.

  I didn’t want to disappoint myself, my parents, or Ella that way.

  I watched the kids outside until dinnertime when Wade sullenly shooed us out of the cabin to line up. Once more, Alex was off to one side by himself, his shoulders hunched over, kicking gloomily at rocks. I could hear the others whispering about him, too. Word had spread after what Ryan had said at the pavilion.

  Their whispers worried me. If they did that because Alex might be gay, what would they say behind my back if they found out I was trans?

  I threw caution to the wind and walked right up to him and said, “Sorry I didn’t get you out of jail sooner.”

  He looked at me, his brow furrowed as though he couldn’t
understand why I was talking to him. I ignored it and went on.

  “It was a fun game anyway. I haven’t ever played it before.”

  He eyed me and said nothing.

  “Have you ever played Greek dodgeball before?”

  “No.” His voice was cold, but his face had softened a little.

  “Did you like it?”

  He shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Too bad I couldn’t get out of jail at the end, though,” I said, making light of it. “Maybe next time.”

  He nodded, but then it was time to walk down. He sped up, so it was hard for me to keep up. I decided to let it go. Maybe he was just that shy, and showing him I was harmless would help.

  I walked alone down the mountain, until we’d nearly reached the field and pavilion. Then, to my surprise, Gavin sidled up next to me and leaned over. “Hey,” he said quietly.

  Shocked, I stared at him. “What’s up?”

  “Just wanted to apologize. Ryan was way out of line. I thought it was funny at first, but he went too far. I’m sorry he got you into trouble.”

  “Thanks,” I said, forcing the word out around my heart, which had suddenly lodged itself in my throat. He had pretty blue eyes.

  He smiled at me, and then went on ahead, walking faster than I wanted to. Without a bra or my binder, walking too fast made me bounce, which was uncomfortable. I’d brought a sports bra, for just this sort of thing, but hadn’t gotten a chance to put it on. Besides, I hated it. It set off my dysphoria something fierce, and I hadn’t wanted to bother with it because of that. Already feeling pretty bad, I didn’t need a dysphoria attack on top of everything.

  Dinner was tasty lasagna with salad. As usual, I sat with Ella. Shocking us all, Gavin asked if he could join us, and when I wasn’t able to respond, Ella had to answer.

  “Please sit!” She grinned and squeezed my leg under the table as I fought to keep the blush off of my face.

  “Thanks!” Gavin slid into the seat next to me, and Lily and Nick sat across from us.

  Gavin was very polite, and we talked about Pioneers of Noran until Lily and Ella got bored enough to start into their own subject. Nick was quiet but listened intently to the two of us geeking out over our favorite game.