“A little. He’s quiet and reserved.”
“Do you think that’s what Gavin might have been talking about?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“I think you should ask Gavin to the dance.”
“Dance? Oh, right.” I’d forgotten. There was a dance at the end of the session. “I thought I’d just take you.” It wouldn’t bring up too many awkward questions.
“Oh, Casey, come on. It’s a dance! You can’t take me.”
“Why not?”
She blew air through her lips, making them flap. “Honestly, how am I ever going to get you married off?”
“Married?” I gasped, playing it up but also secretly horrified at the idea. “Who said anything about marrying anyone?”
She shoved me playfully, and we dissolved into giggles. I was secretly glad she dropped the subject.
The counselors had led us almost to the base of the mountain and an enormous open field bounded by a chain-link fence. But inside was a huge pool, regular sized instead of small like the one near the pavilion. There was also a big stack of wood in the middle of the field, and Ella exclaimed, “Oh, a bonfire!” It hadn’t been lit yet, but it would be a big one. “They’ll have s’mores!”
I hated marshmallows, but I loved chocolate. Even though, I knew how to roast marshmallows the way Ella liked them, brown all around and as big as a baseball. I had gotten lots of practice at trans camp, after being shown how by one of the counselors there.
Once inside the gates, the other kids ran screaming to the pool. I laughed as Ella joined them, catching the shirt and shorts she tossed away to reveal her rainbow bathing suit.
Following more slowly, I found Alex sitting on one of the deck chairs off to one side and asked, “Is this seat taken?”
He shook his head without looking at me. I sat down and folded up Ella’s clothing to put under the chair, hopefully far enough away from the water it wouldn’t get wet.
“Is she your girlfriend?” Alex asked, to my surprise.
“Nah,” I said. “She’s just a good friend.”
“Really? You’re so close I thought you were dating. How long have you known her?”
“Nah, we’ve been friends forever. Almost my whole life.”
I wanted to ask him about his friends, but I didn’t want to ask him if he had any at all. That sounded weird, like I didn’t believe he did. But I hadn’t seen him be social with anyone at all. I could see him struggling to keep his face impassive, and I wondered what he was hiding.
“I wish I had someone like that,” he said, answering my question.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s kind of rare.” Was he interested in Ella?
“My parents move a lot. I’m usually never in the same place more than a couple of years.”
“Army?”
“No.” he said, shaking his head. “My dad’s an engineer. He works with the Navy, though, so we move when they need us to.” He curled up and put his head on his knees, his arms wrapped around them. It was a precarious way to sit on a deck chair, but he managed it.
“So what do you like to do?” I asked, not wanting to talk much about family.
“Why are you asking me?”
“Oh.” I looked away, trying not to be offended. Maybe there was someone else I could talk to? I was about to get up to look around, but he put a hand out to stop me.
“Sorry,” he interrupted, before I could say anything else. “Just…not used to people being interested in me.”
“Why not?”
“I’m always the new guy, right? No one likes the new guy.”
“That’s not always true.”
“Says the dude who’s had a friend all his life.”
I couldn’t refute that, so I didn’t say anything. We watched the kids splashing in the water.
“Look,” Alex said after a few minutes of awkward silence. “It’s been nice. Thanks for talking with me.” He stood up and left the pool area to go to the pile of wood. It still hadn’t been lit, but it wasn’t dark yet.
I watched him go, a little disappointed. He was right. I didn’t know what it was like to be the new guy, not like that. But I did know what it was like to switch schools. Ella had done the same thing, though, following me to the new school so we could be together. It was true: I had always had a good friend, no matter what.
I turned to see what Ella was doing. She was paddling up and down the pool lazily, with Lily following. Ella was very carefully not getting her hair wet—she had coiled it up on her head with a clip—and she eyed the boys who were horsing around with disdain as they splashed water her way.
The urge to jump in and join my friends was strong, but that would be a disaster. A wet shirt would cling to every curve, revealing my secret.
The splashing increased until I got a little damp. Not wanting to risk getting too wet, I went to the side of the pool to tell Ella where her clothes were, so I could go hang out by the not-yet-lit bonfire.
I didn’t see Ryan.
I leaned over the water to shout at Ella, who was on the other side of the pool. She glanced in my direction, and her expression was my only warning.
Ryan burst out of the water right in front of me, slinging an armload of water right up into my face. Out of sheer surprise, I inhaled, right as the water hit me. Some of it went down my lungs, the chlorine burning my throat. Coughing and choking, my throat spasmed closed. I was trying desperately to simultaneously clear my lungs and suck air down. I couldn’t tell what was going on, but I was starting to panic. My world narrowed down to the ache in my lungs and my lack of air.
I lost my balance and fell straight into the pool.
Instinctively, I curled around my chest, hiding my breasts with my arms. Panic gripped me, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe.
Hands grabbed at me, and in my terror, I slapped them away. I was still trying to inhale and cough at the same time, and dark spots were starting to appear in my vision.
But I finally managed to stand—the water wasn’t deep—and expelled the water from my lungs. I sucked in a shaky breath, but the panic had gripped me. The breath wasn’t enough.
I started to hyperventilate instead, overcompensating.
More hands grabbed at me, but I smacked them away, splashing and kicking until my head bumped the side of the pool. The pain wasn’t bad, but it sent my already panicking brain into overdrive, and I flailed and slipped under the water again.
I didn’t remember much beyond that, other than finally being dragged out of the pool. My head was in Ella’s lap, and the panic was slowly receding. When my vision cleared, I realized I had gone temporarily blind, literally blind with panic.
“There you are,” said Ella, smiling down at me. It was more a worried grimace than a grin, and her eyes were red.
“Sorry,” I choked out. My throat was raw.
She patted my cheek. “Shh, no, don’t apologize.”
“That was a bad one.” It felt like I’d tried to swallow an entire pineapple.
“Yeah, but don’t worry about it.”
“They know, don’t they?”
“Know what?”
I just looked at her meaningfully. She shook her head. She tugged on something, and I dimly realized she had wrapped a towel around me. It was rough on my skin, but it was warm.
I could have kissed her. “Are you sure?”
“No, but I think they got you out of the pool fast enough. I was right there with the towel.”
She looked away and nodded, her mouth moving, and I realized she was responding to someone else. I had tuned out everything around me. As far as I was concerned, Ella and I were the only people who existed in the world. My brain hadn’t been able to handle anything else.
I turned my head and saw Wade’s worried face. “How are you doing?” He sounded like he was at the bottom of a well, his voice distorted and strange as my brain tried to sort out all the stimuli.
“Okay now,” I said.
“
We called an ambulance. Do you want to go with them?”
“Oh, shit,” I blurted, but he didn’t chastise me for it. “No, no, I’m fine.” I sat up and actually did feel fine.
Wade eyed me critically, like he didn’t believe me. “Are you sure? We called your parents, and they said it’s up to you. They want to talk to you, though.”
“I’m fine, really. Can I just go sit by the fire?” I hadn’t planned on getting wet, and now that I had, I could feel the cool mountain air more than before. My fingers were numb, but that might still be from the panic, too. I started to shiver.
Wade and Ella helped me up. I tried not to notice everyone staring at me. The pool had gone quiet, and none of the kids were in it anymore. They must have evacuated it to make sure everyone else was safe.
They guided me to the pile of wood, which still hadn’t been lit. Ella sat down next to me, her arm wrapped protectively around me, and Wade produced a lighter. He bent over the wood, and within a few minutes, the fire was burning brightly.
I wiped at my face with the towel, clutching it with nerveless fingers. For the moment, it was all that kept me from being discovered as being trans.
The fire wasn’t producing much heat yet, but it felt good on my face. I leaned into Ella. “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you, too. I’m so sorry, Casey. I didn’t see him in time. Damn him!”
“Let’s not talk about that now.” My throat almost closed over the words. I couldn’t afford to panic again, not so soon after. I didn’t want to think about how I had almost drowned, and how it was Ryan’s fault.
“Okay.”
We sat in silence for a long time, while I watched the flames consume the wood. Ella held on to me tightly, fending off anyone who wanted to come up and talk. There were many reasons I loved her, and this was one of them. She knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.
I would do the same for her.
Other kids had joined the circle around the fire, but I tuned them out, too. When I felt stronger, I was able to look around. They were laughing and having fun, as though they hadn’t just seen me freak out. That was good.
I hadn’t had a panic attack like that in a long time. It had probably been brought on by not being able to wear my binder all day and having to wear that stupid bra instead. And the fear I’d already had about getting wet. Body dysphoria and a sudden fright were not good for my mental health.
“What happened to Ryan?” I asked suddenly, ready now to know the answer.
“His dad came to get him.”
“Good.”
Ella paused and then carefully said, “I don’t think they’ll make him leave camp permanently, though. He was arguing with his dad over it when they left.”
I frowned. I didn’t want to be in the same cabin as Ryan anymore. Maybe I could ask to move to another one, or maybe they’d make him move.
I sat up away from Ella, and she let me. She handed me some chocolate and said, “I know you don’t like s’mores, but here’s some candy.”
I devoured the candy bar in seconds. Wade was handing out metal pokers, marshmallows, and more candy. “I’ll roast one for you,” I told Ella.
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
She handed me a poker and a marshmallow she’d gotten from Wade. I stuck the marshmallow on, edgewise rather than through the end, and stuck it into the flames. Roasting a marshmallow properly was an exercise in patience. You had to rotate it just right, browning it evenly on all sides. You had to watch the flames, so they wouldn’t light the marshmallow on fire. It was therapeutic, because it made me think of something other than the close call I’d had.
After several moments, it was ready—evenly brown all over, still sizzling from the heat, and so large you couldn’t eat it in one bite. I pulled it out of the fire and quickly handed the poker to Ella. Her eyes were shining as she bit into the marshmallow. She melted a little, too, making muffled appreciative noises.
“You are so awesome,” she said with her mouth still full of molten sugar.
We sat there in companionable silence for a while, leaning against one another, until I heard footsteps approaching and turned to see who it was. Ella looked as though she was about to shoo him away, but I stopped her. It was Gavin.
“Is it okay if I sit?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said, and Ella looked at me meaningfully. I knew what she was asking, and I shook my head, wanting her to stay. She settled down and leaned hard into me as though daring Gavin to ask her to leave.
Gavin sat down, but on the opposite side of Ella from me. “Are you okay?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
“I’m getting there.”
“I’m sorry Ryan is such a dick.”
That startled a laugh out of me. “Not your fault.” The laugh made my throat hurt, but it felt good to laugh.
“What he did was really bad.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“So…um…” He looked uncomfortable and then scratched at his head. His face was lit by the flames, his freckles nearly gone in the half-light. “So…I, uh, don’t know how to say this…” He looked helpless.
“Ella, could you give us a minute?”
She hesitated and then squeezed my shoulder as she stood up and wandered off. But I could see her watching us, motherly in her protection of me.
“What is it?”
“I…uh…I saw you. When you were underwater.”
“What?”
“You. Your…chest…”
Oh. Shit. “Dammit.” I’d hoped he wanted to talk to me about something else. Now I wished I hadn’t asked Ella to leave.
“So, you’re like a girl or something?”
I turned my frozen gaze on him. “No. I am not a girl.” Anger had replaced fear. “I am a boy. I’m trans.” I said it quietly, even though I wanted to shout it at him, and the cowardice made me hate myself a little. So what? I was trans. I should scream it from the rooftops as something to be proud of. I shouldn’t hide it. But because everyone else hated us, I had to conceal the part of me I loved the most.
“Oh. Okay.”
“Okay?” His response threw me. I expected revulsion, confusion, condemnation, but not this. “You mean, you’re okay with it?” I said it before I could stop myself, and I could feel the embarrassment painting my cheeks red.
He put his chin on his hands, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and looked at me. His eyes were sparkling in the firelight. “I guess. I mean…whatever, right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t think it makes any difference.”
“Difference?”
“To me.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“No…I mean…”
My heart suddenly lurched in my chest. He had scooted even closer to me. His face was too close. His eyelids had lowered, that bright fringe of red falling onto his pale cheeks. Panic was rising again, and I desperately tried to swallow it back down, not wanting another attack. I tried to tell my overextended nervous system this was a good thing. It wasn’t listening.
I reeled to my feet. I couldn’t do this. Not right now.
The world spun around me, and my fingers tingled.
Hating myself a little, I ran away from Gavin. He was calling after me, but I couldn’t stop—couldn’t turn around and go back. When I returned to the poolside, I grabbed Ella’s clothes from under the chair. I found her nearby and shoved them at her.
“I want to go back to the cabin.”
“Oh, okay.” She accepted her clothes and pulled them back on.
We went together to find Wade. The pool party wasn’t over, but I knew they’d make an exception for me. He did agree to take us back on the condition we stop at the nurse’s station and talk to my parents. I was okay with that, so he walked with us up the mountain.
I was quiet the whole time, but Ella and Wade talked as we went. I didn’t listen to them since I had to c
oncentrate on not panicking and on quelling the self-hatred slowly rising inside me. I clutched the towel to me, a flimsy protection against my feelings and the imagined stares of the campers and the townspeople.
Everything I wanted had been handed to me on a platter. Gavin knew I was trans, and he didn’t care. He’d been leaning in to kiss me; I was sure. A cute boy who knew I was trans liked me and wanted to kiss me.
And instead of enjoying it, I had nearly panicked again.
Damn it.
All the way to the nurse’s house, I tried to convince myself I didn’t really want to kiss Gavin. I’d repeatedly said, out loud and to myself, that I hadn’t come for romance. Heck, I hadn’t even looked at most of the girls. That thought made me even more angry, because clearly one part of me had come for the romance. But I didn’t want that to be the part of me that was in control. I wanted to have fun and be just like all the other boys.
The nurse was happy to let us in, and led me to the ancient phone, cord and all, stuck on the wall of her kitchen.
I both did and didn’t want to talk to my parents but knew they’d be worried. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I needed to hear my mom’s voice. The past couple of days had been hard.
The phone rang but was picked up almost immediately.
“Hello?”
“Hi Mom, it’s me.”
“Oh my god, Casey. Are you okay? What happened? Who did this?”
“Mom…”
“Do you want us to come get you? We can come tonight and be there in less than two hours.”
“Mom!” I finally had to shout, and Wade frowned at me. “I’m fine. No, you don’t need to come up. I’m okay.”
“Are you sure? Your dad and I are worried about you.”
“It’s okay, really. Please, don’t worry. I’m fine. It was just a panic attack. I didn’t wear my binder today, and then I slipped into the pool. I’m okay.”
“Your counselor said another kid tried to hurt you.” Her voice was so hard—she knew I was trying to hide things from her.
“It was just a prank. He splashed me and surprised me, and I fell in. I’m fine.”
“Your dad wants to speak to you.”
“No…” I didn’t want to talk to him. I wasn’t sure I could take the disappointment in his voice. But she wasn’t listening and had handed the phone over to him anyway.
On a Summer Night Page 7