“I know. I’m sorry, Casey. But enjoy this, okay? Or try to?”
She was right. I needed to enjoy the good things, or I’d drive myself into another panic attack. Trying not to think about it, I changed the subject and brought Alex into it.
“So, thinking of continuing with the guitar?” I asked him.
He laughed a little. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Do you think you can? I mean, really get somewhere with it?”
“I hope so.”
Ella said, “You were wonderful, Alex. I don’t see why not?”
“I’m just not sure I can afford it,” he said. “Lessons are expensive. My family doesn’t want to pay for them—” he dropped his voice “—because they’re a waste of time and money, better spent elsewhere.” He rolled his eyes, a long-suffering expression on his face. He must have heard that a lot from his father.
“I’m so sorry, Alex,” Ella said. “I wish more people valued the arts. They’re so important.”
I poked Ella. “Don’t get started on your soapbox. Alex is the choir, right?”
She laughed self-consciously, rubbing at the spot where I’d poked her. “Yeah, you’re right. I know. But they’re important, right? I mean, we need art.”
“Of course we do,” I said, nudging Alex with an elbow. He grinned at us, and Ella sighed.
We finally reached the top of the mountain, and Ella bid us goodnight. We followed Wade back to the cabin, but I realized I needed to use the bathroom again before going to bed. I ran back to the latrines.
I didn’t even think about it, just crashed the door open.
There was Gavin, surrounded by his old friends. I scowled before I realized something was very wrong.
Ryan had Gavin by the shirt, his arm pulled back and his hand in a fist. It looked like he was drawing back to punch Gavin. Gavin was trying to pry Ryan’s fingers off of him, but he wasn’t succeeding. They all turned to stare at me, freezing me in my tracks. All I could see was the fear in Gavin’s eyes. Real fear.
“Get her!” Ryan shouted.
I turned and ran, adrenaline making me swift.
They thundered behind me, but I was faster and smaller.
I hit the nearest cabin door, not caring whose it was, and started banging on it, yelling, “Help!” Frightened voices erupted from within, but I didn’t stop. I ran on to the next cabin, banging on the walls as I passed.
Soon, I’d roused half the camp, kids and counselors spilling out of the cabins in their pajamas. I ran until I got to Wade, who was storming out of our cabin.
“What is the meaning of this?” he demanded.
I pointed to where Gavin had come out of the bathrooms, pointing and yelling that Ryan had assaulted him there.
Meanwhile, Ryan and his friends had been caught trying to run away. Angela, whose cabin I’d first encountered, had a heavy hand on Ryan’s shoulder. Another counselor had grabbed the other boys.
“What’s going on?” Wade demanded again.
I was out of breath, but I gasped out, “I went to the bathroom and found Ryan and his friends trying to hurt Gavin.”
Gavin pushed forward and said, “They did hurt me.” He pulled up his shirt, exposing a pale belly devoid of freckles and a huge developing bruise on his chest.
Wade’s eyes widened. He grabbed both of our shoulders and steered us toward Angela. Ryan’s face held fear and anger, one emotion chasing the other across it.
Ella thrust through the crowd, pointing her finger accusingly at Ryan. “And he won’t leave me alone! He’s been harassing me!”
We all turned as she blurted it out. But then she faced me. “I didn’t tell you before.”
“He was still asking you out, even after you told him to stop?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry, Ella.”
Wade had been watching with growing anger showing on his face. “Come with me,” he said, and Angela made sure the other boys followed him. He flicked on a flashlight as all of us—Ryan and his friends, Angela, Wade, Ella, Gavin, and me—went right back down the mountain.
No one said anything the entire time. We could all hear the nighttime sounds of the forest, the sleepy tweets of the birds and the singing of the crickets. The only other sound was us tripping over rocks in the dark. It was awkward and scary walking in the night with only one flashlight. I didn’t know where we were going.
I couldn’t really see Gavin, but I could feel his gaze on me.
All I could think about was seeing the terror in his eyes as Ryan held him, his fist poised to hit him again. That, and the implications of it.
We got down to the field, but instead of continuing on, Wade steered us to the nurse’s house. He knocked politely on the door, and it was quickly opened. The elderly nurse answered, flustered at the late-night interruption. Her hair was coming out of its tight bun in white wisps.
“What on earth is going on?” she asked. “Is anyone hurt?” Her eyes flicked to each of our faces, seeming to gauge for pain.
“I want you to check Gavin,” Wade said, hustling us inside past her. “He’s hurt.”
“I’m fine,” Gavin protested, but the nurse crooked her finger and made him follow.
“I need to use your phone,” Wade called after her, and she waved her permission before disappearing with Gavin.
Wade and Angela pulled us all into the nurse’s living room, and Wade said, “Sit.” We did as we were told, scattering to the couch, a winged armchair, and the floor.
The counselors decided Angela would stay with us and make sure we didn’t cause any more trouble. Wade made the call, but as the phone was in a different room, we had no idea what he said, or who he was calling. I could guess, though. It was too good to be true, so I didn’t want to say it and spoil it. But I was hoping Ryan’s parents would finally have to come and pick him up, throwing him out of camp for good. Or at least for the little we had left.
We all sat in uncomfortable silence, trying not to look at one another. Ryan’s body was hunched, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes burning holes into the floor. I could see his jaw grinding as he muttered to himself. His friends looked more worried than angry, flicking significant glances at each other. I wondered if they were going to set Ryan up for the bigger fall.
After a few minutes, the nurse brought Gavin into the living room. He was holding an ice pack wrapped in a towel to his chest but seemed fine otherwise. I felt my heart lurch in relief.
Without looking at anyone, Gavin sat down as far from everyone as he could.
I was getting sleepy, despite all the excitement. It had been a long day, and a lot had happened. But I couldn’t sleep now, so I kept pinching myself to stay awake.
But then Ella stood up, glaring at Ryan. “I just want you to know, Ryan, that I’m not a freak. That there’s nothing wrong with me.”
He twisted his face up and opened his mouth to say something, but she interrupted him. “I’m asexual. I don’t want to date. I especially don’t want to date you.”
“Then you are a freak,” he blurted out, spit flying from his mouth.
“I am not!”
I wanted to stand up and defend my friend, but this was her fight. She’d been so worried about being asexual and how she might be broken. If she’d finally worked it out that she was perfect just the way she was, then she could defend herself.
“There’s nothing wrong with being ace,” she said. “I like it. I like just being friends with people. If you can’t understand it, that’s your problem.”
Ryan snorted but wouldn’t look at her, shaking his head.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Ella continued. “And you’re not so special. You’re just a bully with low self-esteem. You have no real friends, not like me.” Ella grabbed my hand, squeezing it so hard it brought tears to my eyes. But I wasn’t going to make her let go.
“Fuck you—”
“Enough!” Angela covered up whatever insult he was about to hurl at Ella. “Ryan, don’t
you dare use that language here. Ella, please sit down. It’s inexcusable that Ryan has been bothering you.”
“Bothering?” Ella scoffed. “He’s been harassing me. I’ll be filing a complaint.”
Ryan’s leg started jiggling, and he was now very pale. Good. He needed to have some fear of reprisal put into him.
We all subsided into silence, and Ella settled down next to me, still clutching my hand.
A few minutes longer and Wade finally came back into the room. He sat down on one of the last chairs available. “I’ve called your parents, Ryan, Gavin. They’re going to be here in the morning.” He nodded to each of them. “Now, Gavin, would you mind telling me what happened?”
“Please don’t make me tell my parents,” he exclaimed. “Please don’t!”
Wade didn’t even blink. He said, “Gavin, you need to tell me what happened.”
He was about to protest, but the look Wade gave him made him change his mind. “I was going to the bathroom—” He gulped and wagged a finger at Ryan and his friends. “—and they attacked me. Casey came in and stopped them.”
“Well, I just interrupted,” I said, and Wade shot me a quieting glance. I clamped my mouth shut.
“Yes,” Gavin agreed. “Casey came in and interrupted them. Ryan was threatening to punch me in the face.” He licked his lips. “He said something I’m not going to repeat, calling me gay and saying that I deserved to die.”
“That’s a very serious charge,” Wade said.
“It’s what he said.” Gavin’s voice rose, and then he looked at his hands and said in a dead voice, “I am gay. My parents don’t know.”
Ryan couldn’t contain himself. A slur escaped his sneering lips, and suddenly everyone was up screaming. Wade had to push Ryan back into his chair, and Angela stood up to place herself in front of Gavin. Ryan’s shouts could be heard over them all. “I’ve had to share a cabin with those two freaks!” and “I’m being discriminated against! This is against my religion!”
“Shut up!” Wade shouted over them all, and an ugly silence fell. “You will not use such language in front of me or anyone else.” His voice was so cold I almost expected to see icy steam escape his lips.
“I already warned him,” Angela told Wade.
Ryan’s expression was full of malice and hate, and I wondered where he’d learned such emotions. Who had taught him to hate people so early?
Wade turned to the nurse, who’d been standing watching it all with pursed lips and folded arms. “Did Gavin look like he’d been punched?”
“There was a fist-shaped bruise on his chest, yes,” she said. “But I’m no forensic scientist.”
“You don’t have to be.” Wade turned to Ryan, who was still glaring at the floor, his nostrils flared wide. “You’ve been warned about starting fights already, Ryan. You’ve been warned about using language. I don’t think your father can save you this time. You actually injured another child.”
“He deserved it,” Ryan muttered.
“That’s enough! No one deserves to be hit.”
“People like them do,” Ryan spat, pointing his finger at Gavin, Ella, and me. “They’re all freaks.”
“That’s enough, I said. One more word and I’m sending you home tonight.”
“You can’t do that!” he blurted.
Wade raised an eyebrow and said, “Watch me. I’ll drive you to your parents’ house myself and dump you there if I have to. You’re not welcome to come back to my cabin, and they can fire me over it if they want.”
Ryan’s lips twisted but he said nothing.
It was satisfying, but it was bad that it had to come to this. I was glad no one was seriously hurt. I was glad I’d been able to intervene. And this was more action taken against a bully than I’d ever seen before, which gave me some hope.
Wade stood and asked the nurse, “Can Ryan stay here tonight? I know that you have a cot.”
She nodded but looked like he’d asked her to suck on lemons.
“The rest of you, let’s go.”
Ryan’s friends stood as though unsure they’d be able to go, too. When Wade didn’t protest, they hurried out ahead of us all. Ella, Gavin, and I followed. Wade said a few whispered words to Ryan, whose expression darkened further, and then left. Angela came out last with the nurse’s spare flashlight.
Back up the mountain we went, the two flashlights bobbing up and down with the counselors’ steps. They hushed us whenever we tried to talk, so I wasn’t able to say anything to Gavin or Ella, or talk to them about what had happened.
We all went back to the cabins. I was given permission to use the bathroom since I still needed to, and I hurried and dressed for bed there, too, because I didn’t want anyone staring at me right then.
It took a long time to fall asleep due to all the emotions running through me.
I couldn’t help but think about why Ryan had tried to beat up Gavin. If they were still friends, would Ryan have done that? If they’d been planning on beating me up, would Ryan take it out on Gavin when he was denied? Would Gavin have stood up to Ryan if he’d said something else bad about me or about gay people?
The evidence was mounting in Gavin’s favor about him telling the truth about turning Ryan in, and I hadn’t given him the chance. Even Ella had believed it.
But I hadn’t wanted to. Guilt washed over me, and then anger. But what if it had all been staged? What if Gavin knew I’d go to the bathroom before bed, since I’d been doing just that while I’d been at camp?
Of course, I hadn’t been doing that since everyone found out I was trans.
The thoughts went around and around in my head, like a hamster stuck on a wheel. Did I believe Gavin or not? Was he friends with Ryan or not? Was it staged or not? Would he go to such lengths to humiliate me, or was that a massive case of ego on my part?
I didn’t want to do this to myself—didn’t want to get involved. I hadn’t come for romance. I’d told myself this repeatedly.
And I didn’t want to hurt Gavin, not anymore. It was obvious he was as much a victim of Ryan’s bullying and bigotry as I was, perhaps more so because he’d stayed friends with him for so long. I couldn’t really blame him if he was as lonely and closeted as he seemed.
But I also didn’t want to get involved. He’d have to hide me from his parents. He wasn’t out, and I certainly wasn’t going to play girl to make him feel better. Even though he hadn’t asked, that was the fear I had with dating a closeted boy. Would he want me to pretend to be a girl? Was it because he, deep down, thought I was a girl or because he just wanted to use me as a way to hide his sexuality? Neither option was acceptable.
I was still mad at him, too, for his part in Ryan’s plans. Maybe he’d intended to report him, maybe not. But he had remained friends with an abuser, long after he should have dumped him. Then again, Gavin himself was a victim of that abuse, and I knew how hard it was to dump the only friends you have. To leave an abusive relationship was hard. My mom was the prime example. But it could be done, and it never was the fault of the victim. It was unfair to blame Gavin, even partially.
I had to talk to Gavin. I had to hear his side of it. Once I decided that, I was able to sleep.
Chapter Eight
THE NEXT DAY was somber in the cabin. Half of the kids resented Gavin and me for our role in Ryan’s exile, though it wasn’t our fault. Though they’d been involved in the fight, their parents hadn’t been called. They’d still received punishment, though, and now had to clean the whole cabin themselves, with Wade glaring at them the entire time. Gavin looked as though someone had just taken away his favorite puppy. His parents had come and gone early in the morning, and I was torn over whether I was relieved or annoyed that he was still there.
Alex was the only one who was speaking to me.
“What’s up with everyone?” he asked as we left the cabin. We were now exempt from chores, so we decided to hang out at one of the lodges until it was time to go down for breakfast.
“Y
ou didn’t hear the drama last night, did you?” I asked.
“Not really. I know that Wade left, and that he ordered us to stay inside. But I was so tired I fell asleep soon after.”
I told him about discovering Ryan about to beat up Gavin. “Everyone else is mad at us for turning Ryan in.”
Alex made a sound of disgust. “That’s stupid. But…Gavin was telling the truth?” He gave me a sly look.
“Are you shipping us together?” I asked, a little annoyed.
Alex giggled, a sound I hadn’t heard from him before.
“What is up with you and Ella? Have you two been talking behind my back?” I asked.
The smile fell from Alex’s face, but he didn’t look away like he’d have done before. “In all honesty? I had a crush on you, Casey.”
My jaw dropped. “W-what?”
Alex waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it. I got over it.”
“Uh…okay?”
“I really, really liked you when we first got here. I mean, I could barely talk to you, remember?”
“Heh, I thought you hated me because you wouldn’t talk to me.”
He shrugged self-consciously. “I’m shy. But, once I got to know you, the crush kind of…settled into friendship. Does that make sense? I guess I really just wanted to be your friend.”
“Okay. Um…thanks, I think?”
“Oh, no, no, it’s not because you’re not attractive. You are. It’s just that I think we wouldn’t go well together except as friends.”
“Uh, thanks.” I was at a loss for words, but after a moment, I added, “I guess I was so clueless about it. I…I was too focused on Gavin to notice anyone else.”
“It’s okay. I wasn’t sure about you anyway. I wasn’t sure if you were gay or not.”
“Bi, actually, but yeah.”
We moved on to talking about how great it was that we weren’t cleaning anymore, and a little bit of smugness over Ryan’s friends having to make our beds for us.
“I hope they don’t leave anything in it,” Alex said, and we laughed. I wouldn’t put it past them to do something like that.
He turned serious then. “Hey, I’m sorry for the part I played in this.”
On a Summer Night Page 13