Why was he doing this? He had no easy answer.
Three bars down in the hunt and he started to feel faintly absurd. Laurence was the lanky needle in London’s haystack. By the time James was scanning the low-lit occupants of the rust-coloured velvet sofas at The Zetter, his fatalism had all but told him it was futile.
Somewhere in the vastness of the night-time city beyond these handsome windows, Laurence was sitting in some other anonymous bar, arm draped round Aggy’s seat. Telling her the anecdote about the identical sisters in Courcheval that James was certain wasn’t true. There was no such thing as twin telepathy.
He’d become so sure his mission was a lost cause, James was startled when he suddenly spotted an exuberantly drunk Aggy. She was sprawled on a brocade armchair, dress ridden up so far you could see the gusset of her tights. She was alone, yet a drink on the other side of the table said that this wasn’t for long.
James squared his shoulders and headed into battle.
Aggy sat bolt upright at the sight of him.
‘James! What are you doing here? This is ’mazin’!’
Thank goodness, she was alright with him at least.
James grinned at her. Aggy’s glassy, starry eyes and her enthusiastic patting of the space next to her told James she was utterly trollied.
‘I’ve gotta bone to pick with you,’ Aggy slurred. ‘You called my sister a freak.’
James cringed. That’s why he was here. He had arrears to pay off with Anna.
‘I should never have said that,’ he said. He looked at Aggy’s dark curls and eyes and felt a pang at her resemblance. ‘I apologise.’
‘You should ’pologise to her,’ Aggy harrumphed. She pushed her hair out of the way and, lifting her glass to her lips, let go of a small burp. ‘For school too.’
‘I don’t think she wants to see me ever again,’ James said.
‘No, she doesn’t,’ Aggy agreed. ‘She said she wished she’d never met you.’
James nodded, and swallowed hard.
‘It was worse, you know,’ Aggy said, sounding suddenly lucid.
James’s head jerked up. ‘What?’
‘It was worse for her than you think.’
Aggy held his gaze and James had that spooky sense of a metaphorical shape moving in the shadows. There was something he knew he didn’t know, but he couldn’t work out what it might be.
At the back of the bar, Laurence appeared. His expression darkened as he saw James and came to various conclusions.
‘James is here! What a co … corin … coinci-dunce,’ Aggy said.
‘Calculate the odds,’ James said to Laurence. ‘I think it was, ooh, one in eight?’
Laurence’s eyes were no more than slits.
‘Loz has got me the best cocktail, try, try!’ Aggy handed James the heavy-bottomed glass tumbler. ‘It’s called The Flintlock. It’s got Ferret Banker in it.’
‘Fernet Branca,’ Laurence muttered.
‘The Flintlock, eh? Should be The Headlock,’ he said to Laurence, whose frown deepened still further. He sipped. ‘Mmm. Nice. Can’t beat a bit of Ferret Banker.’
He glanced at Laurence.
‘Anna says you and Chris had a fight?’ James said to Aggy, setting the glass back down.
‘Yeah,’ Aggy’s brow furrowed, and she pulled the dress over her thighs. ‘Wedding’s off. He’s bin a wanker ’bout it.’
‘You haven’t been answering your phone?’
‘Laurence said to turn it off,’ Aggy said.
‘I thought Loz might be your PR and comms man,’ James said, smiling at a feral-looking Laurence. ‘Anna’s trying to get hold of you.’
‘You talked to Anna? Is she with Chris?’ Aggy said, trying to concentrate.
‘No, or at least, she wasn’t. How about you turn your phone on and let her know you’re OK?’
‘She’ll only tell me off about spendin’ all the money. She’s mad at me, like they all are.’
‘She isn’t. I know that for sure. She only wants to know you’re OK. Can I tell her you’re here?’
‘Nooooo!’ Aggy’s boozed eyes widened and she pointed a finger. ‘Do not do that.’
James put both palms up in supplication. ‘OK, OK.’
‘I’ve got to go to the ladies,’ Aggy said. ‘Don’t go anywhere,’ she pointed at James, with the vehemence of a drunk person. ‘Promise you’ll stay.’
‘I promise on Laurence’s life, I’m not going anywhere,’ James said, making a cross on his chest with a finger.
She backed away, tripping over a low footstool.
When Aggy was safely out of earshot, James turned to Laurence.
‘She’s engaged, Loz.’
‘And? I didn’t force her here.’
‘They’ve had a fight and she’s very drunk. But she’s still engaged.’
‘Her engagement is not my responsibility. Not my circus, not my monkeys.’
‘Not your fiancée. So I’m going to take Aggy home.’
‘She’s a grown woman. Who are you to tell her what to do?’
‘I’m not going to tell her what to do. I’ll point out that going home might be a good idea and I’ll offer to take her. If she’s determined to sleep with you and insists on staying, then fine. Something tells me she’s not as clear on the end game here as you are though.’
‘Such chivalry. And you’re doing this for nothing are you? Not looking for a gold star from her sister?’
‘Nope,’ James took another swig of Aggy’s cocktail and winced as it hit the back of his throat.
‘Yeah right. A self-interested, white knighting cockblock. Some best friend you turned out to be.’
‘Oh right, we’re pulling the mates card are we? Right then, I’m asking you to leave Aggy alone as a favour to me. Or does this …’ – James gestured between the two of them – ‘count for nothing when a woman’s involved? Every man for himself?’
‘You tell me.’
‘What?’
‘Why did Anna hate me so much?’
‘Er … wasn’t it because of everything you said and did?’
‘She hated me because you positioned yourself as Mr Nicest Guy in the Room, and dripped poison in her ear about me being Mr Nasty.’
‘You’re going to bed her drunk sister, and you think someone else cast you as Mr Nasty?’
‘Trouble with you is, you’ve convinced yourself that your act isn’t an act. Classic case of reading your own press and it going to your head. We’re no different.’
James laughed in disbelief. Laurence’s self-justification was like a maze. He’d designed it and closed off all the exits: once inside his logic, you couldn’t escape.
As James stared at Laurence, full of sullen antagonism, he knew that his disappointment in Laurence was vastly outweighed by disappointment in himself. What was lowering was not who Laurence was, it was who he wasn’t. There was so little here, beyond cheap quips and low cunning.
And James had made him his best friend? What did that say about him? He thought Laurence suited his pragmatic cynicism; his ‘no bullshit’ sense of humour. Now he realised that in fact, Laurence appealed to all his worst traits. Judging, mocking, disdaining. Never caring.
James had spent his whole life thinking he was better than other people. And what had he achieved? A wife who didn’t love him, a best friend who didn’t like him and a cat that didn’t know how to crap outdoors.
Maybe it was too late to put a lot right, but he could at least try to put this right.
‘Do you want me to call Anna and make a scene? Or can we conduct this respectably and I’ll take Aggy home?’
Laurence gave him a lopsided, lupine smile.
‘I’m not going anywhere. Good luck with your powers of persuasion, Derren Brown.’
James debated what to do. He had a feeling that some subtlety was called for. He could call Anna and then stage a sit-in – refusing to leave until she’d arrived. But given Aggy was in a volatile mood, being babysat, and then t
he sudden appearance of her overwrought sibling ordering her to leave, might piss her off and completely backfire. Perhaps the softly-softly approach was safer.
Aggy reappeared and flopped onto the sofa. ‘Cor I haven’t eaten all day. Reckon they’d do bar snacks?’
‘Great idea, want to get some food with me?’ James asked.
‘Or what about another drink?’ Laurence added.
‘Oh,’ Aggy looked at the centimetre of liquid left in her glass, and from James to Laurence and back again. ‘Yeah. I was going to try a Rose Petal thingy actually.’
‘Marvellous idea,’ Laurence said, clicking his fingers at the barman.
James turned to Aggy. He gambled on a hunch that Aggy truly didn’t know who she was dealing with here.
‘Laurence has booked a suite. When you’re sufficiently legless, he will help you upstairs, invite you to use the minibar, then help you out of your clothes. If you want to do that, go ahead. But just as long as you know.’
‘Remind us, are you her AA sponsor or her father?’ Laurence said.
‘Seriously?’ Aggy said, looking at Laurence. ‘You have a room?’
Laurence barely blinked.
‘No,’ he said, after a second’s pause. ‘Why, do you want one?’
Aggy giggled. James sensed the argument slipping away from him.
The barman arrived and Laurence ordered two cocktails and nothing for James. Inspiration struck.
‘Could you put that on Laurence O’Grady’s room tab, please?’ James said.
‘Certainly sir.’
He retreated with a nod.
‘Whaddyaknow!’ James said.
‘He doesn’t know if I have one. He’s not going to query it to our faces, is he?’
‘I guess we’ll know when he comes back then?’ James said. ‘No bill, means Laurence is a big old fibber.’
‘Sod off, will you?’ Laurence spat. ‘You’re not wanted here.’
‘Yeah he is!’ Aggy said. ‘Why would we not want him?’
Laurence glowered. He’d let his irritation at James win out. Aggy looked at Laurence in consternation. James hoped that Laurence’s flash of temper had penetrated the fog of Ferret Banker.
‘So what if I do have a room, anyway?’ Laurence added.
‘You did book a room?’ Aggy said, tugging her dress down over her thighs and looking less certain.
‘I don’t. I’m saying, so what if I had? We’re all adults.’
‘You thought I was going to go to bed with you, just like that?’ Aggy said.
‘No!’ Laurence rattled the ice in his glass. ‘Don’t listen to this one. He’s playing the Good Samaritan to get into your sister’s kecks.’
Aggy frowned.
‘Anna doesn’t want to see him.’
‘What a shame,’ Laurence said. ‘And I wonder what sort of selfless act might change her mind?’
Laurence was misjudging this by running James down. The idea James was doing something purely to please Anna didn’t offend Aggy in the same way. And Aggy looked as if she was wondering why James separating her from Laurence would make her sister so ecstatic.
‘Hmmm. No sign of that bill I asked him to put on your non-existent room tab, is there?’ James said, as Laurence glared and Aggy looked slightly forlorn.
James stood up. He needed to exploit this moment of being ahead.
‘Aggy. How about you come with me? I reckon you’ll dodge the hangover if you find a carb now.’
‘OK,’ Aggy said, after a second’s hesitation. ‘Sorry.’
‘Hey, no skin off my dick, princess,’ Laurence said, with real venom.
Aggy looked startled.
‘Well lock that tongue up with the rest of the silverware,’ James said, tutting.
‘Don’t call me again,’ Laurence said to James.
‘Your famous catchphrase! And I didn’t even have to put out to hear it.’ James swigged from one of the two cocktails. ‘Laurence. You have my word you won’t.’
59
James briefly contemplated public transport, then assessed Aggy’s level of inebriation and thought again. He didn’t fancy manhandling a rag doll of a woman on and off the Tube.
She stood shivering as he fruitlessly tried to flag the cabs zooming past. He took his coat off and handed it to her.
‘Are we getting Burger King?’ she said. ‘I feel a bit sick.’ Her jaw juddered slightly.
‘Maybe bed is best,’ he said. ‘No barfing in the cab.’
He rang Anna and offered to deliver her. ‘One sister, slightly soiled but not despoiled.’ She was amazed and relieved, having just got home after her own hopeless search. It made him feel very glad he’d bothered.
A Hackney finally slowed to a stop and they got in. Aggy rested her head on his shoulder while he steadied himself, as the cab hummed and rattled its way through the city.
‘What’s up with you, then? Is it really over with your bloke?’
‘Chris cancelled my weddin’! I will never forgive him.’
‘Only because you couldn’t afford it. He didn’t do it to upset you. It sounds like he’s done a lot of things to make you happy, but you’ve got to make him happy too. Spending money you don’t have was clearly too much for him.’
‘It was my dream though. I’d planned every last part.’
‘Aggy, your wedding day isn’t the be all and end all. It’s the marriage part that’s the important thing. I had one of those look at us weddings where you can reel off a checklist of all your great choices. It’s not all that. Don’t live life through Instagram.’
‘You’re jus’ sayin’ that. I bet your wedding was the coolest of the cool.’
‘I’m not, honestly, Aggy. You get so drowned in the detail you forget that none of it matters. Absolutely no one, including you, will give a toss the next day whether you had garlic and juniper sausages for the wedding breakfast or not. Unless the sausages were off, I suppose.’
‘Think you’d get married again?’ Aggy asked.
‘Hah. Not bloody likely, no matter who the future holds.’ James paused. This wasn’t helping the noble cause. ‘You love Chris, right? He’s the man for you?’
Aggy snuffled in assent on James’s shoulder.
‘What you don’t realise is you’re better off than most people before you start. One in three marriages has got that bit wrong. Mine included.’
‘But it’s such a comedown. I know I sound like a brat but when your heart’s set on something it’s like anything else is second best. I’d looked everywhere in London and the Langham was perfect.’
‘Why do you have to stay in London?’
‘It’s where we live.’
‘Yeah, but you’re half-Italian, right? That’s a great excuse to go abroad.’
‘Yeah, but my dad’s not from Milan or Rome or anywhere swish. They’re halfway up a mountain.’
‘Exactly. Marrying there won’t be a cliché or break the bank. Hire a nice big barn in a village, get yourself some dirt cheap flights, done. It will make it a wedding to remember. How many of your friends are getting wed in …?’
‘It’s called Barga,’ Aggy said.
‘Barga. See? Special as a snowflake.’
‘But who will be there?’
‘Everyone you wanted to be there in London? Seriously, if they wanted to be there, they will do everything they can to make it. And if they don’t, well. Exactly.’
‘Mmmm. Guess so.’
The taxi engine throbbed as they sat in traffic. Looking over at Aggy, James could see the cogs seemed to be turning.
‘I suppose the venue wouldn’t be that much … and there’s quite a few bed and breakfasts and things … What about the hen do? That was a weekend in Ibiza. Will it have to be here now?’
‘What about Michelle’s place? She has a restaurant. I’d love to have a mate with a restaurant.’
‘Yeah …?’ Aggy was sitting more upright.
‘My dress though,’ she sagged again. ‘I can’t have
my dress. I’ve got a bonus in January but it’ll be too late.’
James wrestled with how far he was going to take this soul-cleansing. Sod it. In for a penny, in for …
‘How much do you need?’
‘Two thousand.’
‘I can lend you that.’
‘Seriously?!’ Aggy bit her lip. ‘I should probably say no, shouldn’t I? Anna would tell me to say no.’
‘Well, despite your outbreaks of spendthrift hyperactivity, you seem for the most part a sane and salaried person. You can pay me back in a few months’ time?’
‘I’ll pay you by the end of January! Total swear-down promise.’
‘Then I won’t miss it and it’s not a problem. I suggest we keep this between the two of us though.’
‘You’re ’mazin’, James Fraser,’ she said.
The taxi finally pulled up at Anna’s.
Aggy shot the clasp on her seatbelt and returned his coat. He waved away her attempts to fumble with her purse and helped her out of the cab. He wasn’t completely sure if he wanted to see Anna or not but he didn’t get the chance to dodge her, as her front door opened, light spilling out over the scrubby front path.
There was much tutting and hugging and Aggy tottered into the flat, muttering about bagels with Nutella.
‘Thank you,’ Anna said, arms tightly wound over her chest and jumper sleeves pulled over her hands in the bitter cold. ‘I’ve been to every All Bar One within a five-mile radius and was just about ready to start howling at the moon. Did she pay you for the cab, can I give you something?’
‘She paid, don’t worry,’ James said. They smiled awkwardly and tightly.
‘Sorry. You did warn me about Laurence. I didn’t imagine he’d launch himself at Aggy.’
‘Yeah, you and him – it was never going to end well.’
Anna frowned. ‘The ice rink date? You think he had a grudge because I wouldn’t see him again?’
‘I thought you’d met up again recently?’
Anna was quizzical.
‘No?’
James felt a stab of hopefulness that made him a little reckless.
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