DISTANCES—having escaped the cramped conditions in Holland’s towns and cities, there is now too much space to contemplate cycling everywhere over heretofore unheard-of distances.
CLIMATE—favourite lands to adopt typically enjoy hot summers and/or violent winters. Cloggy pedal power soon exhausts itself under these generally uncomfortable conditions.
TERRAIN—the addition of a vertical component to the landscape (mountains and valleys) introduces rugged, steep roads and generally unfriendly conditions.
Another casualty is language, unless both parents make a concerted effort to speak Dutch at home. This is rarely the case.
Colonial Cloggies
The Dutch colonized part of the East and West Indies for about three centuries. In general, their behaviour was much the same as that of other colonizing nations—a general plundering of land and people. The attitude, however, was coloured by their Calvinistic heritage:
On the one hand, they would not allow extreme poverty, hardship or cruel rituals to persist.
On the other hand, they kept themselves remote and somewhat aloof from the entirely different mentality of the colonized populations.
Indonesia…
Great difficulties in the Dutch East Indies were caused by Netherlandic ambivalence towards the old Indonesian rulers who were allowed to continue to reign, but under strict Dutch regulations. The East Indies were a source of great wealth and aided Holland during the economic crisis in the 1930’s. World War II and the Japanese occupation contributed to the cultural chaos in the region’s post-war period. Holland experienced untold problems in reasserting authority. A premature independence came to Indonesia in the late 1940’s, causing a forced mass migration of not only the true Dutch but also some 500,000 Eurasians whose only sin was that of their parents’ desires.
Nowadays Dutch involvement in the country is reversed. They are generally short-term residents involved with aid/agricultural projects, etc., and of a generation who feel a certain guilt over their forefathers’ activities.
They are in their element as far as creature comforts are concerned. The local coffee and tea are lekker, cheap and abundant. Many of the older houses are typically old-Dutch style, and the popularity of the local food (at far less than Dutch prices) goes without saying. Typically, the Indonesian language is mastered in no time, even for the lesser-educated Hollanders whose pre-arrival skills tend to be limited to the vital bami goreng, loempia and sate.
Many of the Netherlander are perceived by others as ‘the typically loony/aging hippy types and not the highly sophisticated types.’Whatever type they may be, they throw themselves into the community and seem to love every minute of it. This Indonesian immersion applies to those who elect to remain on a permanent basis to such an extent that they almost stop being Dutch. However, offspring are commonly cursed with pressures to develop the forceful personality of the true cloggy.
The biggest threat to this Utopia of theirs is The Hague’s refusal to stop interfering in its ex-colony’s affairs. In 1992, the Dutch Government overtly criticized atrocities by the Indonesian army. This angered President Suharto who then announced that his country would like to be rid of the HFL 350 million of annual aid.
Netherlands Antilles &Aruba…
The Kingdom of the Netherlands consists of three parts: Holland, Aruba and the 4-1/2 islands of the Netherlands Antilles (Curacao, Bonaire, Saba, St. Eustatius and 0.5 x St. Maarten). Hollanders grabbed the Antilles in the 17th century. They had found their tropical paradise:
lack of size (islands range from 5-180 sq. miles)
abundance of water
lack of elevation (only one proper hill, plus one volcanic rock).
IT WAS PERFECT.
In true European style, they then spent the next century or so spoiling it. At first came the ‘gingerbread houses,’ slave huts, drawbridges, canals, ports and prostitution. Later, the need for lego-roads (and yellow DAF-like buses to destroy them), banks, road roundabouts with traffic lights, Sinterklaas & Zwarte Piet, Koninginnedag, lotto and topless sunbathing beaches was satisfied. The official language is Dutch, the local currency is the (Netherlands Antilles) guilder, and hotel/restaurant food is bland and boring. The result is a tropical home-from-home which can act as a tax haven for the rich and an exotic Caribbean Holland-like getaway for the rest. All of this, of course, has been achieved by reprogramming the native population.
The Antilles strongly depend upon Netherlandness for their survival and prosperity. The practice of Hollanders to use Antillean services for acquiring driving licences (see Chapter 13) is but one example. Basically, the motherland is only involved with finances from an aloof distance.
The tourist industry preys heavily on the cloggy connection. Thus, top priority is given to renovating, decorating and constructing traditional quaint structures. All the basic souvenirs—delftware, wooden shoes and lewd T-shirts -are on sale, in addition to the local island goodies. Resident Dutch merchants readily admit that they prefer American tourists to their own kind since, ‘A tourist tends to buy the same overall amount of souvenirs during a visit, whether spending one week or one month on the islands.’ And with their generous holiday allowance, the Hollanders spend a minimum of three weeks on the island(s) and tend not to buy souvenirs imported from Holland, whereas Americans do so in excess.
To the Dutch residents, island life is at times reminiscent of village life back home. On the glamorous side, life can be cosy and secure with a fixed daily routine, favourite hang-outs, familiar faces, koffie uurtjes, visits to the local baker, etc. But with the mentality of a small village come the usual problems of nosy neighbours, false friendliness, excessive envy and gossip. Add the element of foreign territory and you get the usual boasting (‘my pool’, ‘my housemaid’, ‘my suntan’) and complaining (‘too hot’, ‘too many insects ‘, ‘too primitive’). The compulsory clique who miss everything about Holland take no comfort in the fact that the local supermarket imports most traditional tasty treats.
The never-say-no mind-set of the natives is a truly trying experience with which the straightforward Hollander has to come to terms. Antilleans and Arubans consider it polite and proper to say ‘yes’ (and thus make impossible promises) and rude to say ‘no.’ Merge this with the regional mananamentality of being late by several hours, days or weeks for appointments or whatever, and it is enough to make any self-respecting Netherlander high-tail it home to show off his tan in the civilized world of chapters 2 through 18.
Suriname…
Originally sighted by one of Columbus’ crew, Suriname came under Dutch control in 1667. It officially became a Dutch colony the same year when the English gave up their claims to it as a consolation prize for the Dutch loss of the state of Mew York, then Mew Amsterdam (see ‘Mew World Netherlanders,’ this chapter).
Suriname was, and is, Holland’s answer to North America’s Deep South—a territory where white entrepreneurs used African slave labour to cultivate specialized crops (one of the most important here being coffee). The set-up was Calvinistically correct, provided slaves were not sold to Iberian customers. (Such a trade would have exposed the merchandise to ‘the abuses and perils of popery.’)
For years the Netherlanders secretly cultivated coffee in Suriname. They took great care to prevent Brazil (known in part as ‘New Holland’ until the Dutch were expelled) from acquiring any beans. The whole enterprise foundered when a Brazilian espionage mission managed to smuggle THE BEAN out of the country. This broke the Dutch monopoly and gave rise to the Brazilian coffee empire. The Surinamese economy crumbled further when slavery was abolished.
Suriname remained a Dutch colony until 1954 when it became a self-governing state within the Kingdom of the Netherlands. In 1975, it became the independent Republic of Suriname. At this time, large numbers of Surinamese immigrated to the Netherlands, causing a shortage of skilled labour. This is cited as a reason to frequently ask for financial help from Holland.
Cruelties on the side of
an absolute military regime in the early 1980’s led the Dutch to stop financial aid, and the country economically went to shambles (again). The political situation has improved somewhat, but the Netherlands Government still has doubts about granting financial aid to a third-world country whose natives basically behave the way they were taught. The Surinamese understandably use the word patata (potato) to refer to their ex-masters.
The native population is around 350,000 while there are around 200,000 Surinamese in Holland. Tourism in Suriname is almost non-existent. It comes as no surprise that the country is not a favourite location for contemporary cloggies, except for those with family or business ties -and the adventurous types. The situation is basically a disaster as far as the modern-day Dutchman is concerned.
The Pretorian Disgard
Contrary to popular belief, South Africa was never a Dutch colony or territory. Holland first infiltrated the region in 1652 to establish supply routes and rest stations. In order to break away from English colonizers, the Dutch explored the unsettled northeast where they founded the independent republics of Transvaal and the Orange Free State. They considered themselves Afrikaners. The final severance of bloodline bonds came when Holland declined to support them in the Boer wars.
The Afrikaans language developed from 17th-century Dutch. The first Dutch settlers spoke country dialects and often wrote phonetically. Many cloggies consider Afrikaans to be a form of pidgin Dutch or a mere dialect. In 1925, Afrikaans replaced Dutch as one of the country’s two official languages—English being the second—and remains the native language of much of South Africa to this day.
As time and politics progressed, the region came to define two distinct breeds of Dutch extract:
AFRIKANERS: Born in the country; despite their Dutch descent, strongly consider themselves ‘white’ Africans, with no feeling of being Dutch.
HOLLANDERS: Immigrants; will never be considered Afrikaners. They are nicknamed kaaskop⁄kaaskoppe (blockhead—lit., ‘cheese head’) and Japie⁄Jaap (simpleton/lout).
Holland’s interest in South Africa has had many peaks and troughs. Discovery of gold and diamonds (1870’s) was an obvious peak, and the introduction and continued practice of apartheid (1948-1992) was definitely a trough. Sadly, the attitude of apartheid still festers the minds of some Afrikanersand Hollanders who charge Holland with much of the cause of its demise (see panel, opposite).
Hollanders fear that their lifestyle will soon be changed forever. They defend it for its positive points and the hope of a brighter future for all. They reject completely the image of Boer-born Dutchmen portrayed by author Tom Sharpe in Riotous Assembly and Indecent Exposure, where Luitenant Verkramp, Konstabel Els and Co. are seen as brutal, racist law enforcers, giving the natives only what they deserve.
For some, the only way out is to get out. But again the reasoning varies. One readily admits…
The way things are now, we are considering leaving Zuid Afrika. Once the black Government takes over here, we don’t want to be here!
…while another prepares for a new, new life in the Netherlands with an overhauled attitude:
I would cry if the wooden clog was the symbol of Holland!
The feeling back home is understandably strong and offers a refreshing counterpoint to the views expressed on the preceding page:
The comments are a clear example of the difficulties the world has to face before a definite goal will be reached. Fortunately, a lot of people in South Africa (and not only the’blacks’) have a much more well-balanced and differentiated view towards these problems than the opinions printed on these pages.
—Dr. W. Stortenbeek (Apeldoorn, Holland)
We can only agree with and support Dr. Stortenbeek’s assessment (and Dutch sentiment in general) on this touchy subject.
Down-Under Dutch
It is difficult to imagine water-denying dikes constructed in the parched outback of Australia, or tulip fields invading the rich sheep-grazing areas of New Zealand, but the purveyors are there.
In general, they are a well-respected, hard-working bunch.
Australia…
Hard-working and hard-playing—exactly the image that Australia likes to portray. Here we have perhaps the most successful Dutch integration of all the lands discussed in this chapter.
The cloggy invasion peaked in the 1950’s and early 1960’s with the support of Dutch religious and governmental organizations. There are 24 Dutch language radio programmes around Australia, and weekly and monthly newspapers, plus many social, community and religious clubs. Dutch press scoops include world-shattering news items such as ‘TASMANIAN COWS GIVE MORE MILK THAN THEIR INTERSTATE COUSINS,’ and ‘PHILIPS LIGHT BULBS ILLUMINATE THE SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE.’
To the Dutch-Australian, the most beloved person to have ever set foot on Australian soil was the little-known navigator:
ABEL JANSZOON TASMAN
Apparently, Grootegast-born Abel discovered the lump of land at the bottom right of Australia in 1642 on orders from then Governor of Java, Anthony Van Diemen. Abel named the place after Anthony, Anthony said bedankt, and Australia renamed it Tasmania (‘Tassie’ or ‘Tas’ for short). And so that is what it has since become to the Hollanders that live there: Tas-MANIA.
To celebrate the Tasman Trip’s 350th anniversary, Dutch-Australians conspired to give Abel his well-deserved recognition (although he sailed around Australia without even seeing it) by organizing, amongst other things:
a year-long Abel Tasman Festival (in Hobart)
the Dutch-Australian Society ‘Abel Tasman,’ Inc.
the Abel Tasman Commemorative Medallion
unveiling of an Abel Tasman coastal monument
the Circumnavigation of Tasmania yacht crews
the Abel Tasman Blue Water Classic Yacht Race
the Abel Tasman Yachting Cup
guided heritage (?) tours to the Abel Tasman landing site
Dutch civic visits including the Mayor of Groote-gast and the Governor of Qroningen.
Tasman gave the Australian continent its first European name: New Holland (original, huh?). As if this isn’t enough, more of the Abel Aftermath of discovering the southern hemisphere Holland includes:
tulip festivals that attract thousands of visitors
oliebollen festivals that attract thousands of visitors
infestation of Dutch-sounding or -looking place names, such as Zeehan, Geeveston, Schouten and Maatsuyker
world record for Tasman-named names (e.g. Tasman Sea, Tasman Basin, South Tasmanian Rise, Tasman Hills, Tasmanian wolf (or tiger), Tasmanian devil).
Australia has a permanent effect on the Dutch who have lived there. One settler who returned to the Netherlands has this to say about her rediscovered homeland:
When I returned to Holland from Australia, I found it was difficult to adjust to the lack of nature and space, and also lack of clean bodies of water. The Netherlands is regulated to the extent that it breeds resistance. Opening hours for shops are very restricted. Swimming pools open to’outsiders’ (non-ethnic, male, singles, etc.) during certain hours only. There are waitinglists for many things, especially accommodation. If you don’t fit in an ‘urgent’ category, you have to wait years.
There is racism and people of colour are not treated as citizens. It is hard to make friends. It entails responsibilities, involves keeping in regular touch, a keen interest on both sides. Thus one can spend many hours on weekends traveling to and from friends to satisfy the moral obligation.
This attitude from a repatriated Hollander seems hard to understand, until one considers that perhaps the reason for the venomous voice is because she no longer QUALIFIES for preferential treatment. Maybe Dutchness ain’t so dead in Australia after all!
One thing that will never die is the stubborn adherence to one of the strongest hereditary weaknesses known to clogdom: the rivalry between their best-loved brews -Heineken and Amstel beers. But here the two have learned the art of samen wonen and live peaceably in s
in in beachfront bliss in areas where their patrons are plentiful and well out of sight of their Fosters parents.
Originally named Nieuw Zeeland by its discoverer who never landed there (you guessed it—Abel Tasman), the country was renamed New Zealand by its British owners (who kept the ‘Z’ to keep the cloggies happy). Before we discuss the New Zealand Netherlander, let’s get the Abel-worship out of the way. The year 1992 marked the 350th anniversary of ‘the sighting’ and was of course designated Abel Tasman Year, as defined and reflected by the:
New Zealand Abel Tasman 1992 Commission.
Auckland 1992 Abel Tasman Memorial Fund
Abel Tasman Commemorative Stamp
Annual Tulip Queen & Abel Tasman Competition
Abel Tasman tulip field dedication
Cartography exhibition
Dutch food and Fashion Festival
Books, TV documentaries, sports events, etc.
Closing Abel Tasman Year Function.
(Here endeth the lesson on caning Abel.)
Cloggies complain that New Zealanders are too English:
The New Zealanders are more English than the English. They haven’t got their own identity yet. This irritates us. They are too reserved and are not open. In Holland, we got to know our neighbours, but not in New Zealand. The people are too polite to tell you what they really think.
In New Zealand more than in any other country the Dutch regret giving up their passion to protest for pleasure and possession:
1995 - The UnDutchables Page 14