“When I was released I didn't want to kill myself any longer, but I didn't want to live either. I entered high school and spent most of my time going from boyfriend to boyfriend. They knew who I was, all they wanted was my money or my body or both, and I let them have it. I guess I mistook sex for love.”
She turned back to me and looked into my eyes. I do not know what she saw but she quickly turned away looking back into the darkness. She was searching for love, surrounded by people who knew her name but not who she was. I embraced my mind to find my place in this world and I ended up alone. Ana embraced her heart or what she thought was in her heart and in the end the result was the same.
“I didn't expect to find anyone who would really love me. How would I even know true love? I was content with going from man to man until my twenty-first birthday. I wanted nothing to do with it, but my father insisted I stayed in the main room so I could be seen. He paraded client after client in front of me. All he cared about was keeping up appearances. He did not care how I felt just that I pretended to be the happy daughter so he could maintain his image.
Hundreds of people came by wishing my happiness, but none of them knew me. Their feelings were a lie, their words hollow. I know they could see how I felt beneath my rehearsed smile, but they didn't care. It was important to put on a good face no matter what. After hours of that I couldn't take it anymore. My father still would not allow me to leave so I stepped outside onto the balcony. It was so cold that night. A man approached me offering me his coat for warmth. I thought it was one of dad’s employees looking to score points. I was as cold to him as the night air, but I guess he knew why. He did indeed work for my father, but not in any of his firms. He painted many of the rooms in our home. In fact I had seen him many times. I guess I was no better than anyone else.
I didn't pay attention to the people who worked in the house. He noticed me though. I don't why, but the way he spoke to me made me feel safe, comfortable. We spent hours on that balcony talking. Soon we were dating. He was just finishing college and was planning to move to Florida to start a business. When he graduated he quit working for my father and was preparing to leave. I didn't want him to go or maybe I just wanted to go with him. I didn't know what I was going to do.”
Though our lives unraveled differently and she had a different path and view than I, there was so much we shared. The falseness people portray to keep their status or advance it, the meaningless pleasantries spoken from the mouths of liars. She however, found someone who she felt comfortable with. At one time Christine was that person for me, but now…
“A week ago he asked me to marry him. He had gone to my father to ask for my hand. He told me my father didn't care who I married and told him to do whatever he wanted to. I didn't care how my father felt. All I knew was that I had found love and I was never going to let it go. I knew my father would cut all ties with me once I left Chicago and I wanted to celebrate before we left. I maxed out all the credit cards my father had given me and we said our good-byes to this town and hello to our future. It was about two AM when we decided to go back to his place. We were both hammered and he wanted to call a cab. We had driven the Mercedes-Benz my father had given me on my twenty-first birthday and I didn't want to leave it where we were.”
As she continued I could feel as if I had heard her story before. There was a pain deep inside my stomach. It felt the same way when the doctors told my mother and me that my father would never wake up. Ana’s tears brought me to the brink. Our connection was deeper than I realized; if this was a shared hallucination then perhaps before we fell into it we were together.
“He offered to drive, but I told him I had drunk less than he had and that I should drive. It was true, but he was still in a much better condition to drive. We got in the car and just pulling onto the street, it didn't feel right.
I could have pulled over and let him drive or just called someone, but I wanted to prove I could do it. He trusted me completely, never saying a word until...I didn't even see it coming. The last thing I remember was seeing headlights on David's side of the car and him screaming out my name. Then I awoke in the hospital. My father was there with me, he told me I was in an accident and that David was killed. I had killed the only man in my life that truly loved me. I survived with only a few cuts and bruises; they wouldn't even allow me to see his body.
A detective came to my room to speak with me, but my father took him outside and that was the last I saw of him. I was released from the hospital the next day. I don't know what my father did, but no one was holding me accountable for what I had done. I was free from society's punishment, but not my own.
The funeral was last Friday, the day before all this… I was dressed ready to go, to apologize, to say goodbye. I couldn't bring myself to leave my father's house. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand there and have to look into the eyes of his family and friends. Maybe I should have gone and let them scream at me. I didn't deserve to be spared their wrath. I was a coward. I stayed in my room crying like a child. I felt I didn't deserve to ever feel love or kindness again. I just laid there feeling sorry for myself until early Saturday morning I heard someone calling to me.
As I walked from my room I could feel him, it was David calling out to me. I walked onto the balcony. The air felt just like it did the night I met him. I could feel him all around me as if his spirit was embracing me. Then in an instant it left me. I screamed out to him, but there was no answer. I stared out toward the lake. There was no reason for me to remain. I climbed up onto the railing and looked out into the darkness. Alone out there in the black of night is where I belonged. It was more than that, it felt peaceful. I wanted to go there.”
Ana had found love, gave herself over to it and in return lost everything. Christine believed that was why I did not open up to others. She felt I was afraid to let someone in and lose them, like Jonathan. I asked her if that was the case why did I let her in, her response was; did I? It was not just my actions on the beach or my changing personalities. Christine never felt that I gave myself over to her, she was right.
“I just let go. I could feel the cold air rushing past me as I fell. I kept my eyes focused on the lake and I wasn’t afraid. I felt...free.
I don't remember hitting the ground, I just remember darkness. I awoke in the hospital in the same room I was after the accident. I thought it was all a dream, but then I noticed there was nobody around, anywhere. I searched around the hospital and couldn't find anyone. I didn't understand what was happening at first as I searched for answers, but then it came to me. I was dead and this was purgatory.”
“That’s why you said….”
Purgatory, a temporary condition of torment or suffering, Ana said the word purgatory when I awoke after the accident. All my theories converged, the empty world, the memories and the shifting realities. When considering the connection based on a mental condition while it was hard to accept it was possible to understand. With death and the idea of purgatory I would be made to suffer until I was accepted into my final afterlife, but even if true the question remained, why was Ana there with me?
“I never believed in an afterlife. My father believed if there was a God he had abandoned us long ago. Can you think of a better explanation for all this? When I met you I didn't understand how you fit into all this. That was until you told me about your family and the answers you seek. Don't you understand Timothy, we are in this place to atone and suffer for the things we have done. Before we can pass on to our final destination we need to find the answers to the questions that plague us. To understand why we are here, only then will we be allowed to leave.”
In Dante’s Inferno there were levels of hell specific to crimes with a punishment fitting to them. Was I to believe purgatory had such places as well? What were my crimes, not wanting to live like the others, being a slave to their inability to control their emotions and actions? I could not believe that or accept it.
Ana’s touch became cold once again. I stood u
p from the bed. I did not want to be near her. How could she accept such a theory? While true the loss of the love of her life would be devastating even that does not excuse her thinking. It was not possible; there was no way my life had ended.
“No, it’s not possible… I didn’t kill myself. I never wanted to. I stopped myself before…”
“Timothy…” Ana softly called out to me.
There were too many thoughts. I was losing track of them, losing track of myself. Pacing the room my attempts to clear my mind failed. I had to place things back in order. I stopped and looked back toward Ana. My theory was that perhaps by talking to her, making her understand I could settle myself.
“I thought about all that, Ana. Believe me, but I didn't die. I went to bed and woke up here. Are you saying I died in my sleep? No, I can't believe that. I don't have the answers yet, but I will. I can't, I won't accept that this is it and we are just here to reflect. There's still time to make changes to find the answers. We can't give up, Ana.”
Nothing was working, that was until she stood up from the bed and took my hand. Her touch went from cold to warm again, calming me. She sat me down on the bed holding my hands in hers.
“I'm not giving up, Timothy. I understand why I am here. I needed to open up to someone, to tell them my story and more than that to help them. I am happy now; I have a peace that I thought I would never find again. Now it's my job to help you find your answers, find your peace. We will figure it out together and then together we will leave this place and be truly free.”
To find someone who would give so much to someone she barely knew was something even I could not throw away. She believed it was her place to find me and help me with my answers. What did I bring to her? I was willing to do anything to get my answer claiming I could help her in the process. She opened herself up to me even after everything she had gone through, it was a lesson that was not lost on me.
Ana wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. I still was not ready to accept my death but I was willing to accept her. No more games, no more changes. Ana was my only way out. She could save me if I allowed it. We laid back down on the bed together our bodies pressed against each other. As I felt myself drifting asleep, I made a promise that tomorrow I would fully open myself to her.
The morning came shining in from the balcony window. It was so bright one would forget what was just beyond the hotel walls. Half asleep my face was cold, but my body still wrapped in the bed sheets was warm and comfortable. I pulled my arm out from the covers protection; my hand searched the bed for Ana. I turned over and strained my eyes open and focused. The spot where Ana had laid was empty.
“Ana!”
I did not want to panic, but emotion took over. I jumped out of bed; my eyes scanned the room looking for her. I continued screaming her name while searching the hotel room. She had locked the bedroom door from the inside, a curiosity I was in no mood to evaluate. It told me however, that she had not left.
I left the bathroom and searched the rooms again. I found myself staring at Ana’s side of the bed wondering if it had all been a dream. That was when I saw it, a sheet of paper just sticking out from underneath Ana’s pillow. I grabbed it, sat on the edge of the bed, and began to read it.
Timothy, last night I dreamt about David. It was the first time I have had a dream since I awoke in this place. He told me that I had failed, that I did not understand why I was here. He told me that in order to redeem myself I had to do it alone.
Meeting you and the time we spent together brought me a joy I was certain I would never know again. Now I understand it was a joy I was not ready to receive, I hadn’t earned the right. It is true what your sister said. You don't know who you are until you are all alone. I need to find my answers as well and unfortunately I cannot find them with you.
Pain and suffering can lead to clarity that is what he told me. In order to atone for my sins, I have to do it alone. Only through my own pain will I understand the pain I caused him. The life that was created for me here is tainted and I must start anew. I hope you are able to find your answers Timothy. I could see in your eyes that you are already in pain and have much sorrow. Perhaps you are closer to your answers than I am. Please forgive me, Timothy, and know that no matter how alone you think you are I am always with you. With the remaining love I have left to give.
Ana.
She was manipulated by her dreams. An image conjured up from her mind filled her with guilt causing her to pull away from what made her happy. I understood the concept, but not her actions. I read the letter over and over trying to figure out where she could have gone. A cold gust of wind blew through the room sending a chill through me. My eyes shot up toward the balcony. The doors were slightly open, the wind causing the drapes to dance.
Slowly I rose from the bed. I could not see out onto the balcony but I prayed she would be there. I wanted to tell her about the dreams I had, the memories I had been plagued with since the start. If I could make her understand that they are only parts of a puzzle then perhaps she would stay with me.
I pushed the door open and closed my eyes for a moment then opened them. The light from the sun was so bright, the air so cold. Only the wind roaring though the buildings provided sound. My eyes searched ahead of me, Ana’s letter fell from my hand; the balcony was empty.
There was nowhere she could have gone; the next balcony over could not be reached even with the mightiest leap. Ana’s words about death and purgatory, pain and suffering and her will to be alone rang through my mind. As I turned to return to the bedroom something on the railing caught my eye.
I turned back, my eyes locked onto a thick brown rope tied around the railing of the balcony. I had noticed the construction being done on the left side of the building when I first arrived; ropes similar to the one before me were also there.
With each step toward the edge of the balcony, I thought about what I had failed to do. I reached the edge, ran my hand against the course rope, and looked out straight ahead of me. I leaned over the edge looking down toward the ground below.
Ana’s body swung slowly from side to side, her neck broken by the force of the rope tied around it. Her eyes were open, staring blankly out toward the lake. The expression on her face was not of pain or sadness, but of release.
“Ana…”
Reason left me along with my strength. I fell to my knees then slumped against the bottom of the railing. The woman who was able to relive my loneness decided to end her existence in the world leaving me alone once again. Her death was more than just the loss of a person; it was the loss of hope. I was going to give her everything and there I was once again with nothing.
I pulled myself up onto my feet and climbed up onto the railing. I looked out over the burning city, emotion and logic came to an agreement; the nightmare must come to an end. The lake which had brought me peace was there to do it one last time. I kept my eyes on the deep blue waters before closing them and letting go.
It was just as Ana described, the air rushing around me, the pending release. If death within a dream or a hallucination or purgatory was possible then I was about to experience it. My final thought was my lack of hesitation, my absence of fear. Those thoughts were quickly washed away because they did not matter. Whatever was next for me would definitely be better than this.
Trauma
Why does your mind allow physical trauma to be carried over into your nightmares? Is it not enough that mentally and emotionally one suffers when locked in a terrible dream? The street runs two ways. There are cases where an injury suffered within a dream can manifest itself in the waking world. What the mind perceives the body takes as a command even to its detriment. It is said that dreams and nightmares alike is your minds way to work out questions it cannot answer, issues yet to be resolved. If this is so then what purpose is there for the physical trauma we suffer? Will pain and suffering truly provide us with an answer?
Death did not provide an escape. Yet again, I felt the cold win
ds blow across my body. The pain brought me back to what I had to accept as reality. I could feel the motorcycle helmet around my head, the pain in my back and legs. I sat up quickly and let out a gasp as if awaking from the dead, but it was just another dream or a hallucination; it really did not matter anymore.
I pulled my helmet from my head. I stared ahead at my bike that had slid crashing into the driver’s side door of a Mercedes-Benz. It was parked on the side of the road facing the wrong direction. I searched my surroundings and realized I was just outside the office building from my dream. I just sat in the middle of the street thinking about everything that had happened and lost control.
I stood and rushed toward the Mercedes screaming like a lunatic. Ana’s face, her eyes staring blankly ahead as she swung form the rope flashed inside my mind. I slammed my helmet into the driver’s side window shattering it. Its glass sliced through my wrist and arm. The pain calmed me. I released my helmet allowing it to fall into the driver’s side seat. Blood poured from my wrist and arm running down the side of the door. I stood back and looked at it; it reminded me of the police cruiser on Halsted Avenue.
Perhaps I should have dwelled more on Ana and what I experienced with her, but with each passing second I pushed her farther from my mind. I lifted my motorcycle from the ground and after several attempts to start it I gave up. The gash on my wrist continued to bleed and though just moments ago I had decided to end my life I found myself searching for a means to repair myself.
One Page 16