“Me neither. There’s so much to think about Emily. If we keep it, we have to think about school and money. If we don’t, we have to think about adoption. I don’t know what to think, Sweetness,” I confide.
Emily’s hand touch her stomach. “I don’t know if I can give the baby up, Jake. How can I give up this little life inside of me after spending nine months with it? I don’t think I can do that. I will completely understand if you rather go to college instead of dealing with this.”
That stops me dead in my tracks. I turn her towards me and keep my arms on hers. “Sweetness, this is our baby. No matter what we decide, I’m going to be there. I promise.”
“Okay.” She still doesn’t seem convinced to me, but I let it drop for now. “So what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know. I think we need to talk to our dads.” At that, Emily frowns. I can’t help but chuckle. “It’ll be fine. I’ll be right there with you.”
She nods. We walk along the beach in silence for a while before turning around to head home. This wasn’t going to go well.
We decided to tell our parents together. Drake went to a friend’s house for the time being. Mike and my dad were sitting across from us at the kitchen table at Emily’s. I held her hand in reassurance. Emily said she wanted to tell her dad. She was scared to death though. So was I. I never expected this to happen. Emily drew in a deep breath and looked down at our hands. “I’m pregnant,” she whispers.
Our dads sit still in shock. After a minute, Mike gets up and starts pacing. “What the hell?! Emily, you know better than to have sex unprotected!”
“I’ve been on birth control for years. There was only once that we didn’t use a condom,” she says softly. The fact that she has been on birth control for a long time surprised me, although, I guess it shouldn’t. My dad covers his face with his hands and then ran them through his thinning hair. “You two have really fucked up,” is all he manages to say.
You think? I’m tempted to say it aloud, but I know better than to throw gasoline on a fire. Mike finishes his pacing as Emily’s tears start again. Mike walks over to her and pulls her up to hug her. “There are options, honey. We just need to discuss them,” he sooths while she sobs into his chest. My heart breaks at her tears and at what is certain to be our lost future.
After ten minutes, Emily has calmed down and they return to their seats. “You could have an abortion,” my dad says.
“No way,” Emily says quickly.
My dad nods.
“You do know that if you keep this baby, you will lose a normal college experience, if you go. Not to mention the fact that Jake is going to college to play hockey,” Mike says.
“Daddy, I don’t know if I can give my baby up after going through the pregnancy for so long. I’m already attached to it,” she says.
Our fathers sigh. “A baby costs a lot of money, Emily. Not to mention that neither of you have jobs. You are living off of us. Sure, we could help out, but if you guys are going to be parents, you need to be adults and get jobs. Trying to go to college, work, and take care of a baby is going to be way too much. I think you should really think about adoption,” my dad says.
Emily bites her lip and I squeeze her hand. “Okay. We’ll think about it,” she finally says.
“I’ll call tomorrow to get you set up with an appointment and take off work to go with you,” Mike says.
“I’m coming,” I state. “Emily isn’t going through this without me.”
Mike and my dad just nod. “I want to talk with Mike about this. You two go to her room,” my dad instructs. We walk in silence down the hall. Emily flops onto her bad, laying on her back with her feet dangling off the bed. “Jake, I’m scared.”
I lay beside her and pull her to me. “I know. We’ll figure something out.” She buries her head in my chest and I feel the tears splash onto my shirt.
“Don’t cry Sweetness. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
She wipes her tears away and looks up at me. “But Jake, last night…” her voice trails off.
Realization slams into me. “You didn’t know Sweetness. Let’s just see what the doctor says.”
She nods, but she isn’t reassured. “There’s just one more thing…” Emily glances over at me quickly. “What…what if…” tears spill over as she chokes on her words. Finally, she spits it out. “What if I’m like my mom?”
“Aw, Sweetness. You could never be like your mom. You are so great with Drake. You are going to be a fantastic mom, Sweetness.”
“But I’ve already become her because of last night.”
“Emily, you had no clue. And that does not make you like your mother. Not at all.”
She seems content, but I just wish I could tell her all the right things to make her feel better. But we’re fucked. I just went from playing hockey in the NHL to working at a crappy job, trying to provide for my family. Emily just threw her career out the window too. We aren’t prepared for this. We had so many dreams and goals. One little mistake ruined it all. I cradled Emily in my arms while I waited for our fathers to finish talking.
I held Emily’s hand as the doctor did his tests and of course, confirmed the pregnancy. She was five weeks pregnant. Almost six.
“I was heavily drinking the night before I found out. Will that hurt the baby?” Emily asked terrified.
The doctor sighed. “There’s no way to tell right now.”
My mind left the doctor’s office as I tried to imagine what our life was going to become. Would we be staying with our parents for a really long time while we worked and tried to further our education? Would we be living in a crappy apartment while working our asses off so we could give this baby everything?
“Jake?” I come back at the sound of Emily’s voice. “It’s time to go,” she says. I nod and hand her her clothes so she could change back into them. Zoning out probably wasn’t the best option. Once Emily changed, we follow her dad out to the car. I drove separately. I ask if Emily would like to ride with me. “Of course,” she replies.
I open the door for her and she slides in. I walk around to get in myself. “So, we’re having this baby?” I ask as I start the car. I glance at Emily who places her hands on her stomach and looks down at them.
“We need to talk Jake. I’ve done some thinking and I think we really need to talk.” I just nod. I drive to Emily’s house and park. I turn the car off and face Emily.
She doesn’t look as me as she begins to speak and I know bad news is coming. “I’m having this baby. Jake, I want you to go off to college and become an NHL player. I don’t want to tie you down to me, this baby, and this life. You have what it takes. I don’t want to be the reason you regret us or our baby because you never got the chance to go out and chase your dream.”
She finally sneaks a peek at me. I reach over and place my hand over her. Turmoil rolls around inside me. “How could I give up the best thing in my life plus my own child? You are more important than being in the NHL.” Emily starts to shake her head, tears sliding down her face. “Yes, you are Sweetness. And you aren’t the reason for this. We both are to blame and because of that, I’m going to be there for you. We are at fault and we are going through this together. No matter what,” I declare.
“I’m giving you a chance to walk away. Why won’t you take it?”
“You want to raise a baby by yourself,” I ask incredulously.
“I want you to go to college and be in the NHL. If that is what it takes, then yes.” She opens the door and runs inside.
What the hell just happened?
Emily
I run straight to my room and slam the door behind me. I cry into my pillow and wish Jake would take this opportunity. Jake’s dad was right. Even if it means me and my dad are raising my baby, it would be best to at least let Jake live his life unrestrained.
That’s why Jake’s dad wanted to talk to my dad. Dad didn‘t agree. He doesn’t think I should have to raise this baby alone. He thinks Jake should
take responsibility of his actions too. I think that too, but I really want Jake to go chase his dreams. Jake’s dad called me later that night and convinced me. Besides, no matter how much I rather have Jake here with me every step of the way and to see his baby grow and help raise it, there is nothing I want more for Jake than to have him go chase his dreams. That realization is the only reason I did what his father asked.
My life was going to change no matter what. Why do the same to Jake? He has always wanted to be in the NHL. I couldn’t let this take that away from him. I won’t let it. Even though it was only three in the afternoon, I cried myself to sleep and slept until the next morning.
I avoided my father this morning. I felt numb as I drove to school. I spent all morning avoiding Jake. Lunch was when it happened. He came up when I wasn’t looking and cornered me. “Damn it Emily. This is not going to happen. Now tell me what in the hell is going on.” His eyes searched mine as he firmly held onto my shoulders.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest. His arm wrapped around me making me feel protected and loved. His voice was low and soothing. “Shh. It’s going to be okay, Sweetness. I just need to know what’s going on.” He tilts my face up so he can look at me. His thumbs swipe away my tears. I shake my head.
He rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes. “Emily, please. This is killing me. I just want to know why. If you tell me why you really, truly want this, then I’ll do as you ask.” His eyes pop open and search mine.
I sigh, slip my hand in his, and pull him out of the cafeteria. I lean against the wall and bring his hand to rest over my heart. “Just listen first okay?” He nods. “Your dad called me. He explained to me his wishes and frankly, I agree with him. We both want you to be able to go after your dream, no strings, and that is why I told you that you could leave me.”
Anger flares in his eyes and his hand tenses. “Son of a…”
“Jake. Please. It makes sense to me.”
“Bullshit. I’m supposed to let go of my responsibility because my father convinced you that that was what I needed to do? Sweetness, I’m going to be a father in nine months. This is something between you and me. We decide what we should do concerning one another. We’re adults now. We make our own decisions and live with the results. So just answer me this: do you, not my father, do you want me to be there?”
I can’t lie to him. I’m afraid to speak so I just nod. He tucks me into his embrace and kisses the top of my head. “I was so scared,” he whispers. “I love you so much Sweetness.” I squeezed him tighter. I don’t want this moment to end.
I gulp and quietly say, “I still want you to chase your dream, though.” His eyes search mine, looking for something.
Whatever it is, he gives a crooked smile as if he’s found it. “I don’t have to chase my dream, Emily. You are my dream. All I want is you. Anything else is a bonus.”
My heart swells at his words. I give him a sweet kiss. “Let’s go eat.” We return to the lunchroom, grab some lunch, and sit down at the table where Jake leans over and places a kiss on my temple. I smile at him and we eat lunch in a surprising silence.
Having a baby is suppose to be one of the most exciting things in a woman’s life. Being my age and pregnant with my future ripped from my hands is not exciting. Maybe a little shopping will do me good. I’m going to need bigger clothes here shortly anyway and the baby will soon need clothes too.
The next month passed in a blur. Between doctor appointments, classes, finals, and being pregnant in general, it was tough. Jake and I had been discussing our future. His father, of course, wasn’t too happy with me when Jake stormed home and told him to stay out of it. However, the plan is to work the entire summer to save up some money. Then we would go to Charlotte and stay with my grandmother to save some cash. I’ll take online classes while Jake goes to college full time. My grandmother will watch the baby when Jake can’t. We’ll both have jobs with all of that. Good thing I’m not planning on getting a lot of sleep.
I’ve gained some weight and had to get bigger clothes. I secretly bought a little, super soft teddy bear and this cute onesy for the baby. Sometimes, I would find myself talking to him or her. “We’ll be okay, won’t we baby? You’ll be a little bundle of joy, I’m sure.” Whenever I would get scared or nervous, I talked it through with the little life growing inside of me. It always made me feel better.
Graduation is today and then we are going to be workaholics. We had to prepare for this baby as much as we could. Watching my body change little by little has been amazing. I’ve actually enjoyed it. By next week, I’ll be thirteen weeks. I had been thinking of different names for a boy or a girl but I’m too indecisive about it. I talked Jake into meeting with Conrad, Melanie, and his little boy to just see how they’ve been dealing with it. We are supposed to meet with them tomorrow at lunch.
My hands make their way to my stomach to rest. Pain shoots through my abdomen and I double over in pain. What was wrong? I rush to the bathroom where I see that there is a bit of blood rushing out. After ten minutes, the pain and blood subside. I should be okay now. There’s always a little spotting, right? I change my clothes and drive to school, where my dad is already waiting. I find my place in line and pull on my graduation attire. We march in and have a seat after the pledge of allegiance. Oh my. Pain crosses my back and it hurts. I bite my lip to keep from screaming out.
I watch in a painful haze as Jake gets his diploma. He smiles at me and I return with a fake smile. I try to cover up the pain. I guess I pulled it off. Almost there, I tell myself as my row is called to stand. Metallic taste explodes in my mouth. Bit too hard. Pain bursts in my stomach and I grab onto the railing to hold myself up. After a minute, the pain subsides. Two more people before me. I can feel blood seeping out. Oh god. What’s happening? The next person is called and I try to stand straight and act normal. I take a deep breath and swallow.
“Emily Johnson.” I walk over to the principle, shake hands and grab my diploma as he congratulates me. I smile. I did it. I walk across the stage and go down one step when it happens. Pain cuts into me deeper than before. I double over as blackness enfolds me. Last thing I hear is Jake’s voice calling out my name.
Jake
Seeing Emily collapse, my heart races. I call out her name, jump up, and run to her. I cradle her in my arms and see blood on the floor. Oh no. God, no. “Sweetness, wake up. Emily, c’mon.” I hear commotion around me as an ambulance is called and Mike rushes over.
“She’s having a miscarriage,” Mike says softly.
No!
No. Emily will be heartbroken. Our baby was dying. Dying before it was even born. Tears fall onto Emily’s face as my vision blurs. I rock her in my arms until the ambulance arrives and carries her off. All my thoughts are on Emily and our lost baby. I ride in the ambulance with Emily and hold her hand. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. Once there though, they take Emily away from me. I slide down the wall and bury my face on my arms, which are folded over my knees. Sobs rack my body. What if there are complications? What if something happens to Emily? Terror courses through my blood at an alarming rate.
I wanted the baby to be okay, but I needed Emily to be fine. The horror of that statement crashes into me along with sadness and grief. Hours later, I lift my head when I hear, “Mr. Johnson?” I ignore the fact that I didn’t notice when Dad and Mike got here. I stand up, walk beside Mike, and wait for the doctor to continue.
“Your daughter suffered from a miscarriage. We had to perform a D&C, which is dilation and curettage, to stop the bleeding and prevent infection. She’ll need to monitor herself closely to ensure that the bleeding has completely stopped. If not, she’ll need to return. She should be waking up in a few minutes.”
Relief floods through me at the words of her condition, but at the same time grief comes over me like a tidal wave. I follow Mike down to Emily’s room and immediately make my way to her side. I take her hand and place a gentle kiss on her knuckles. She
looked so peaceful and innocent. How was I supposed to tell her that we lost our baby? I knew she was beginning to get excited about the surprising gift that was coming. How could I just break her heart like that? I didn’t have any time to think on it because Emily’s eyes fluttered open.
Panic takes over as she takes in her surroundings. “What happened,” she asks, her eyes going back and forth between the three of us.
“Sweetness,” I begin, my voice gentle. Emily’s eyes immediately tear up. Oh god, she knows what is coming. My throat tightens. “We lost the baby,” I say barely audible.
“No,” Emily’s shaking voice denies. Tears flow from her eyes like a flood. I gather her in my arms and rock her. She beats into my chest and each blow feels like a stabbing to the heart. The truth and reality of my words truly hit me.
Tears pour out of my eyes and together, Emily and I sob over our lost baby. I feel the arms of my dad and Mike surround us. After twenty minutes, my tears come to a stop with the realization that I need to be strong for Emily. “Can you give us a minute,” I ask. After a slight hesitation, they agree and walk out. I lay with Emily and kiss her head. “We’ll get through this, Sweetness.”
“There has to be a mistake, Jake. Our baby can’t be gone!”
My heart breaks into a billion pieces. “There’s no mistake. I’m so sorry, Emily.” The sobs return full force and I feel so helpless.
“I’m sorry, Jake. I’m so, so sorry, Jake.” She repeats it over and over.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for Sweetness.” She shakes her head. The doctor walks in and informs us that Emily can leave. I walk over to the bag her father brought and hand her a change of clothes.
“I’ll wait outside,” I tell her and she doesn’t even look at me. I follow the doctor out and close the door behind me. Minutes later, she comes out. She doesn’t make eye contact with anyone and my heart falls. Images of when I first met Emily flash before me. She can’t withdraw into herself. Not now. Not when I need her most. We just lost our baby. I was just as hurt. I needed Emily.
I'm Yours (Bold As Love) Page 8