“You make me feel excited, interested, captivated, and eager to know everything about you. When we’re not together, even for a day, I miss you. I feel an ache. Here.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “I get this twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach simply at the thought that I might never see you again. A few months ago, I never imagined such a thing was even possible. I can’t lie. The idea of falling in love scares the hell out of me. It’s new territory, and the thought of losing everything I am to another person scares me. But the idea of being without you scares me more.”
Candace gently pulled her hand from his grasp and clasped her hands together briefly, then nervously fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist.
Brice crossed his arms. “It would seem that we’ve exchanged places since our first date. If I recall, I was content to settle for average, while you were the adamant thrill-seeker. What happened to that woman who loved the excitement of dancing on the edge and playing with fire?”
“Nothing’s happened to her. She’s not stupid. She knows her boundaries and doesn’t work without a safety net or a fire extinguisher.”
“Damn woman, you’re a hard nut to crack, but no matter how much you want to avoid the conversation, we are going to talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. We had an agreement. No expectations beyond our arrangement. Having a change of heart doesn’t negate the agreement.”
Brice leaned forward and put his hands on the table. “Am I missing something here? Was this imaginary binding contract ever signed? Because no matter what your mouth is saying, I know I’m not the only one here whose feelings have changed.”
“Imaginary or not, changed feelings or not, it doesn’t matter. We had an agreement,” she doggedly repeated. She was getting irritated. “I knew it. I knew getting involved with you was a mistake from the start. I told you, nice guys always want more.” She crossed her arms and gave him an angry scowl. “I should have stuck with the assholes.”
“What does that mean? I’m being penalized because I’m a nice guy? Are you saying you want to be treated like shit the rest of your life by men like Nash?”
“Yes, maybe I do,” she nearly shouted in defiance. “It’s what I’m used to, and I’m okay with that.”
“That’s bullshit, Candace, and you know it. No woman in her right mind wants to be treated that way. You’re using your fear of relationships as an excuse.”
Brice’s own irritation showed as he pinned her with an angry glare. “I’m on to you, Candace Brown, so don’t expect me to believe crap like that. I may not have ever been in love before but I’ve seen the effect a broken heart can have. I know what lengths one will go to avoid more pain. Don’t try to feed me bullshit and expect me to swallow it without question. If you want to walk away from this, you’re going to have to give me a better reason.”
She glared back at him, her eyes filled with fury and brimming with unshed tears, her face flushed. “I don’t owe you a ‘better reason.’ This is my life, and I choose how I live it. Don’t go on about other people’s feelings and act like you know what you’re talking about, because believe me, you don’t. Standing on the outside looking in doesn’t make you an expert. It makes you a spectator. So, forgive me if I question your authority on the subject. You have no idea what it takes to get over a broken heart.”
“You can rile all you want, but the circumstances remain the same.” His voice softened. “Neither of us are experts, but one of us has to have an open mind. Shutting down and refusing to entertain other points of view only makes us both losers. I’m trying to convince you to look beyond the pain. There’s a whole other world worth exploring, and I’m asking you to take a chance. I promise you, you won’t regret it.”
She didn’t have to listen to this. Abruptly, Candace started gathering her things—her cell phone, keys, and purse in one hand, and the gift bag in the other. She pushed herself back from the table and stood. “You know what, Brice? It’s been a long day, and I’m tired. Would you please take me home?”
• • •
They rode in silence as Brice drove. Candace sat rigidly and stared out the passenger side window, while he stared straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel tightly with both hands. Her anger had receded and given way to defeat and resignation. When they arrived at her place, Brice parked at the curb and shut off the engine, then turned and gave her his full attention.
“This isn’t over, Candace.” His voice was low and filled with quiet conviction. “You may walk away from me now, but I’m not letting you walk out of my life without a fight. There’s too much that’s right between us to let it go to waste, just because you’re afraid to take a gamble. I don’t know what it will take to change your mind, but I’m not giving up until I do.”
She touched his chin gingerly with the tips of her fingers and stroked his jawline to soothe the tension and soften his icy stare. Her stubborn resolve had deserted her and left her stranded in a place filled with fear and uncertainty. This man both fascinated and confused her. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to let go of the past and embrace the present, but its hold on her was too tight.
“Who are you, Brice?” she asked, soft and low. “Sometimes when your eyes grow cold and your face turns to stone, I don’t know who you are. It scares me and makes me think I’m not good enough ... that I won’t measure up to your expectations.”
“You know me, Candace. You know me better than you think you do. I don’t expect any more from you than I would from myself.”
“That’s what scares me. You’re perfect. I can’t live up to perfection.” She leaned into him and placed her head on his shoulder. “I’m a mess, and we both know it. I’ve jumped without looking too many times in my life, with nothing to break my fall. Each time I had to pick myself up and start all over again.” Her voice wavered, and she sobbed into his shoulder. “I’m tired, Brice. I’m tired of starting over.”
“Babe.” He put his arms around her and pulled her in closer. “You’re not a mess. You’re just afraid, and you have every right to be. But life doesn’t come with guarantees; we have to take our chances and let whatever happens happen. All I’m asking is that you let it happen with me. Take a chance on me, Candace. I love you, and I’d never hurt you. This time, if you jump—I promise I’ll catch you.”
She pulled away from him and gave him a sorrowful look, her eyes brimming with tears and filled with an unfathomable pain. “I can’t.”
She grabbed up her things, and, clutching her purse to her chest, she got out of the car and practically ran up the walkway to her townhouse.
All her anger had deserted her somewhere between the restaurant and the drive home. In its place were the aching feeling of emptiness and an overwhelming sense of loss. It had taken everything she had in her to walk away from him, telling herself it was for the best. It was a lie. Her heart was breaking, again, and this time it was her own fault. She’d arrogantly believed she was in control, ignored the warning signs, and found out too late that she was in over her head. There was no such thing as being in control. It was an illusion.
She was forced to face the truth and finally admit to herself that she was in love with him, but it didn’t matter. How could she love when she was so afraid to fall? She would let him go. It was for the best, because she wasn’t strong enough or brave enough to keep him.
With such sorrowful revelations weighing heavy on her heart, Candace pulled off her shoes and crawled into bed. Still wearing her street clothes, she pulled the covers over her head and wept into her pillow.
Chapter 26
“Hey, Brice. This is a surprise,” David greeted him warmly as he opened the door. “What brings you to this side of town so late in the evening?”
“I was on my way home when I decided to make a detour. Are you busy? I need to talk.”
“No, not really, come on in. Sarona and I were just video chatting.”
“Oh, geez man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. We can
do this another time.”
“No, no. It’s perfectly fine. We were just about to say goodnight anyway. Come on in and make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back.”
Brice entered the house, went straight to the refrigerator, and took out an ice-cold beer, before taking a seat. He hadn’t actually planned to stop by. After leaving Candace at her door, he’d driven around aimlessly until he found himself parked in front of David’s place. Somehow his car had made its way there completely on autopilot. Even though it was his nature to remain tight-lipped about his personal affairs, something inside of him must have realized he wouldn’t get through this on his own.
He’d shamelessly laid himself bare and handed over his heart, giving Candace complete knowledge of the power she wielded over him. And it still hadn’t mattered. It wasn’t enough.
He needed help. He needed another perspective. David, too, had suddenly fallen in love, so maybe he could offer some advice. It hadn’t been easy for him either, but somehow he’d managed to convince Sarona to give him a chance. Brice needed to know his secret.
“So, tell me, man. What’s up? Why the long face?” David also grabbed a beer from the fridge and plopped down next to Brice on the sofa.
Brice took a quick drink from his bottle, and then bent forward with his arms draped over his knees. “I’ll give it to you straight, so you can get the urge to say ‘I told you so’ off of your chest. I met a girl and fell in love, but I can’t get her to admit that she’s in love with me. She’s stubborn, unbending, and dead set on ignoring what’s happening between us. Basically, I’ve been beating my head against a stone wall trying to figure out how to change her mind. I’m here because I need some advice. What can you give me?”
David choked on his beer. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? I’ll get to the ‘I told you so’ in a minute. Right now I need more information. I know I’ve been living in my own world over the past few months, but I couldn’t have missed this much. What have you been keeping from me?”
Brice concentrated on the bottle in his hand, watching the drops of condensation run slowly down the side. He reflected on the first time he’d seen her and recalled exactly how he’d felt in that moment—defiant, defensive, doomed. In a matter of months, everything had changed. He was no longer fighting the feeling or trying to get away from her; he was fighting to hold onto her.
“Her name is Candace, and she’s one of a kind. She’s beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, and a computer geek, like me. When she speaks, her voice is pure magic. Just the sound of it makes the hair on my body stand up, and it grabs me by the balls and turns me into one big walking hard-on.”
“Are we talking about Sarona’s friend Candace? She told me you were dating her friend, but I had no idea it was this serious.”
“Yeah. It’s beyond serious. It’s pathetic.” Brice downed the last of his beer, and then got up to get another. “I saw it coming, you know. I saw it from a mile away, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Now, here I am caught in a fucked-up triangle between her, me, and her past. I’m competing against a memory, and I’m losing. Badly.”
“What are you saying? She’s still in love with someone else?”
“No. It’s worse than that. The bastard before me did a number on her. I don’t know details because she won’t share them with me. What I do know is that he used up the best of her and now there’s nothing left. She’s broken ... damaged. I want to fix her. I want to pick up the pieces of her heart, put it back together again, and have it beat only for me.”
Brice rejoined David and they sat together on the sofa side by side, their feet perched upon the coffee table, staring at the blackened screen of the TV.
“I don’t know what to tell you, man. This relationship stuff is all new to me. I’m still feeling my way along. Any advice from me would be like the blind leading the blind.”
“Yeah, I know. It was a shot in the dark.”
“I think you should get a woman’s perspective.”
“I thought of that. My only options are her friend Joyce and my mom.”
“It probably wouldn’t hurt to reach out to both of them. But Joyce knows Candace. She’d have the inside scoop on what makes her tick. According to Sarona, it was Joyce who changed her mind about me. She tipped the scales in my favor, and I will be forever indebted to that woman.” David raised his bottle in the air. “I’m in love, and I’ve never felt so wonderful.”
Brice followed suit. “I’m in love, and I’ve never felt so miserable.”
They crossed their bottles at the neck in a toast, and drained them dry.
• • •
She wasn’t taking his calls. He’d been trying for a couple of days, but all he was getting was her voice mail and silence. The angry self-righteous bastard in him wanted to show up on her doorstep and bang on the door, to make such a scene that she’d have to open it to save herself from embarrassment. The intellectual in him knew better. He would have to take a more civilized approach.
He’d called Joyce and pleaded with her to intercede. Joyce agreed she would talk to Candace, but told him he needed to give Candace time. He was fast running out of options, but he had one more card in the deck. He needed a more experienced head in the game. It was time to call in the big guns. Misery is a bitch called love, he sullenly thought to himself as he punched the familiar numbers into the phone.
“Hi, Mom, how’s the trip coming along?”
“Hi, Brice! What a sweet surprise. The trip has been wonderful so far. Traveling the world is so much more fun than being stuck in one place entertaining stuffy, boring old men. I can’t believe how much we missed all those years during our official tours.”
“Where are you and Dad now?”
“Your father and I are in Uganda making our way south toward South Africa. From there, we’re on to New Guinea and Australia.”
“I suppose I shouldn’t expect the two of you back anytime soon, huh?”
“No dear, we’re extending our trip by two months. There’s still too much to see and do. Looking in on the old homestead while we’re away isn’t cramping your style, is it?” She laughed softly.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I was only wondering if you two were close to winding down, that’s all.” There was a short silence on the other end of the line.
“Okay, what’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“Brice, I’ve known you all your life, and a mother knows when there is something wrong with her child. I can hear it in your voice. You didn’t call to talk about our trip. So tell me.”
He always squirmed under his mother’s all-knowing and all-seeing eye. She still had that effect on him, even thousands of miles away. It was almost funny the way she could still make him feel like he was ten years old.
“I met a woman.”
“You met a woman?!” She squealed with delight. Brice knew that those four little words conveyed a mountain of meaning to his mother. This was the first time he’d ever spoken about someone he was dating, and it could only mean one thing. He’d finally found “the one.” “Oh Brice, you don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say those words!”
He laughed at the sound of her enthusiasm.
“Of course I do. As often as you’ve badgered me with open threats to force me to make you a grandmother before you were too old to enjoy it, believe me mother, I know.”
“Well, you can’t blame me; you’re thirty-five, for God’s sake. My grandmother’s biological clock is ticking. I want babies, lots of babies to love and spoil and turn into little holy terrors, and then send them home to their parents when I’m done.”
“Yes, Mom, I know, but don’t start counting babies just yet. The situation is—complicated.”
“Sweetheart, it wouldn’t be love if it wasn’t complicated. What’s the problem?”
Brice told his mother everything: the good, the bad, and the troublesome. For the first time in his life, he shared with her his most intimate emotio
ns—and his deepest fear. “She loves me, Mom, I know she does, but she’s too afraid to let go of the past. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get her to change her mind, but so far nothing’s worked. I can’t get through to her. I was hoping you could tell me what to do.”
“Oh, son, it sounds like she’s had a bad experience with love. I understand how she must feel. You don’t know this, but I was in love with someone else before I met your father. It ended badly for me. I shut down and locked all my feelings away, and vowed I’d never fall in love again. And then your father came along. Believe me, it wasn’t easy for him either. It took a lot of time, patience, and perseverance, but I finally came around. These things take time. Unfortunately there’s no cure for stubbornness, no pill for instant clarity and understanding. It’s something she has to work her way through over time. Don’t push too hard, son. You have to be patient.”
“I was afraid you’d say that. Her friend told me the same thing. You and I both know patience isn’t my strong suit. I would give her anything in the world, Mom. Anything in my power—except time. It’s a luxury I can’t afford. The longer she has to think about it, the more strikes I’ll have stacked against me. Besides, if I know Candace, she’s made up her mind and is already making plans to dump me.”
“Brice, now that your heart’s involved, I have every faith in you that you’ll find a way to get through to her. If she’s too blind to see what a wonderful, sweet, and caring man you are, then she doesn’t deserve you.”
Chapter 27
“Well, that’s that, another week over and done,” Joyce said after seeing off her last clients of the day. “Now all we have to do is log it in the books and sit back and wait to get paid. What do you say to starting the weekend early, kicking off our shoes, and putting our feet up?”
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