by Cross, Amy
"It's going to be okay," I whisper to her, even though I'm not certain I believe it anymore. "Whatever happens to me, you're going to be fine."
Thomas
"I gutted a fish today," Kaylee says as she hurries to catch up to me. "Look," she adds, holding up her bloodied hands and grinning from ear to ear, "see? That's salmon blood. It was kinda gross, but I did it!"
"Cool," I reply, although I'm more impressed by the change in her attitude. Somehow, she seems to have come alive since we arrived here, and it's good to see her getting to work. "You know I helped catch those salmon, right? I was out on the water with Mark as soon as the sun came up. It only took us about half an hour. Mark landed the first one, but the second was all me. That was the biggest one, too."
"It was so interesting," she continues. "It was hard at first, but this woman showed me how to do it properly. In a few minutes, she's gonna show me how to prepare them for the fire, and I'm gonna spend all day learning about the stuff they cook here. There's a guy who's gonna show me a load of other things too. Apparently it's really important to make sure we follow hygiene rules, 'cause otherwise everyone could get sick and we don't really have any way to treat them."
"Sounds like you're really settling in."
“It's amazing how much has changed since a couple of days ago,” she points out. “I never would have believed... I mean, look at us!”
I can't help but smile. She's right: suddenly things are looking up.
"It's good to be busy," she continues, keeping pace with me as we make our way toward the forest. "When you're busy, you have less time to think about the past. What about you?"
"I'm off to cut down some trees," I tell her. "Mark's showing me how everything works. I'm gonna try every job that's going and wait to see what I'm good at. So far, I seem to have a hang on fishing, but that might not be where I'm needed the most. I told Mark to think of me as a tool that he needs to apply however he sees fit."
"Huh," she replies with a smile, nudging my arm. "So you're a tool, are you?"
"We're all tools. That's what Mark says, anyway. He says we're all created equal, but that some of us have got a natural affinity for a certain type of work. Like, the way men are often better at physical labor. It doesn't mean that's always true, but most of the time women can't go and cut down trees so easily. Mark says that even though women aren't inherently better at things like cooking, that's often the kind of job that's left for them after the men have taken all the physical stuff."
"He seems like he's got lots of ideas about how the world should work," Kaylee replies, not sounding too impressed.
"It's just logic. Men and women are built differently."
"So if I wanted to come and cut down trees -"
"You'd slow us down," I reply. "No doubt about it. I mean, look at your arms. You're not strong enough."
"Your arms aren't exactly covered in muscles."
"They're better than yours," I point out, keen to make sure she understands.
"So I can't come and help with the trees?" she asks. “Come on, please? I'm a good worker.”
"It'd be a waste of your time," I explain. "You can be better utilized somewhere else. You'll probably find something you're really good at. It doesn't have to be cooking. You should try a bit of everything."
We walk on for a moment, and it seems as if she's not entirely happy with what I just said. Still, I figure she can't really argue with me, since - as Mark pointed out - the whole thing is based on science. Men and women are different, and that's something that should be embraced, not ignored. Maybe in the old world we were able to smooth over those differences, but now none of us can afford that luxury.
"So have you seen Quinn?" Kaylee asks eventually.
"Earlier. She was pissing me off."
"I saw her just now," she continues. "She looked really sad, like she didn't have anything to do. She was holding her laptop, but she didn't have it on, and she was just staring at it, like she hoped it'd still give her an answer. I offered to let her join me at the cooking site, but she said she didn't have time. It's almost like she doesn't want to join in and help. I kinda feel sorry for her."
"All she cares about is that stupid signal."
"Do you really think it's stupid?"
"I think it's a waste of time," I reply sharply. "So what if someone's sending out a beacon from somewhere? Beacons and signals don't put food on the table or water in people's cups. If there's anything to find, someone'll stumble onto it eventually. It doesn't have to be us."
"She wants me to go with her to keep looking for it," she continues. "She keeps complaining that her laptop doesn't have much more battery power left and that we have to get moving before it runs down completely. She's got it turned off right now, and I think that's eating away at her. You know what she's like, right? She has all these crazy ideas, and she can't put them all in order so she tries to just go for everything at once. I think she's convinced that she's got the location narrowed down, and that all we need to do now is walk about five miles to the east and then we'll find it. I mean... That's what she says, anyway."
"Sure we'll find it," I mutter, "and it'll be something that saves the day and makes us all seem like heroes. She doesn't know what she's on about. I admit, it's good that we ended up coming out here, but it's just a coincidence that we found these survivors. Quinn doesn't want us to join a large group, because she wants to be the center of attention. In her head, she deserves to be regarded by everyone as some kind of leader, but that's not the kind of person she is at all. She's not a natural leader like Mark, she's just someone who wants to be..."
I pause for a moment, feeling as if maybe I shouldn't be too mean. Since I found out about Quinn's son, I've felt that maybe she's a lot more damaged than I'd realized, but I still feel as if she's a disruptive presence.
"So are you gonna go with her?" I ask eventually.
"I was thinking about it," Kaylee replies, "but no. I mean, I'd like to, but I don't think I have time. There's already so much to do here, and -"
"That's good," I say, interrupting her. "All that crap with Quinn is in the past now. If she can't get over it, that's her problem, but we need to focus on what we're doing here. There's no time for running off on a bunch of dumb chases. We can't spare the energy." As we reach the edge of the forest, I turn to her, and I can see that something's on her mind. "Don't you have something you need to be doing?" I ask after a moment. "You said you're going to be shown how to cook the fish."
"Yeah," she replies, but she doesn't turn to walk away. "I was just thinking, though... Do you want to go exploring later? When we're both finished, I mean. We could take a look along the shore, maybe just check out the area. Just the two of us, without Quinn or anyone else."
"Check it out?"
"Well..." She pauses, as if she's a little tongue-tied. "Yeah, I mean, I don't know what's out there. Do you? There might be... something... It's just..."
I wait for her to finish.
"I thought we could go for a walk, that's all. There are so many people here, and sometimes I feel like I'm not very good in crowds. I mean, uh, it'd be good to know the surrounding area a little better, wouldn't it?"
"I don't know," I reply, surprised by the idea. "Maybe. I don't think I'll have time, though. Mark says it's going to take until sundown to get the trees cleared, and then we have to start up again at first light."
"Okay," she says quickly, looking embarrassed as she takes a step back. "It was just an idea, that's all. Don't worry about it." With that, she turns and hurries away, breaking into a run as she heads back toward the main part of the camp.
Watching her for a moment, I try to work out what just happened. It's almost as if she wanted to spend time alone with me, but I guess she's just trying to get a friend. She picked a bad time for it, though; there's so much work to get done, I don't think I'll have a spare moment for the next few weeks. It feels good to have a job, and as much as I like Kaylee, it's time now to focus on th
e tasks at hand. Mark's right when he says that we need to see ourselves as tools, to be applied to whatever job needs doing. He's also right when he says that egos need to be set aside so we can be more useful to the group. Hell, Mark's right about a lot of things.
Figuring that Kaylee will be fine, I turn and head through the forest. I can already hear men working up ahead, and I'm keen to join them. This is where I belong now.
Elizabeth
"Dan Hodge was an old bastard," Toad says as he pushes the door open and leads me into the dark little farmhouse we've finally reached after walking for several hours. "He used to complain about the boundary lines all the time. Sometimes I'd catch him out there, measuring the fences as if he thought I was moving them during the night. I think he was worried other people were trying to take his land."
"It stinks in here," I reply as Toad carries me across the room and sets me down on an old sofa. A huge cloud of dust immediately rises into the air all around me, causing me to start coughing uncontrollably. “What happened to him anyway?”
“He died shortly after all of this started. I came to check on him, and to see if he'd heard anything, but I found his body out front. I buried him next to the gate.”
“Don't you have anything for the pain?” I ask, feeling a shooting pain in my knee. “I don't think I can go on like this much longer.”
"Keep it raised at all times," Toad says, placing a pillow under my right leg. "This place isn't the cleanest, and another infection is still possible. I'm going to check to see what's in the bathroom. With any luck, Hodge had some kind of medical kit. If there are any pills, you can have them, but don't hold your breath."
I look down at Rachel, who's squirming in my arms.
"I can take her," Toad says, reaching down and picking her up. “I'm a fast learner.”
"She probably needs a new diaper," I tell him. "You'll have to clean her as well. See if there's any powder here, but if there isn't, you'll need to make sure she's dry before you fasten her back up. In fact -" I try to haul myself up, figuring that I can at least help out, but the effort's too much and I have to ease myself back down. "I hate this," I mutter. "I hate not being able to do anything. There's no point to me!"
"It's not forever," he replies.
"Great, so my leg's gonna grow back, is it?"
“Elizabeth -”
“That's the only way I'm ever going to be myself again,” I continue, annoyed at him for trying so hard to sound optimistic. “Unless you can find some way to magically put it back, I'm gonna be like this for the rest of my life!”
Without replying, Toad takes Rachel through to the bathroom, leaving me to look around at the room. It's starting to get dark outside, but I can just about make out a dirty-looking kitchen with a round table next to the stove, while there are a couple of sofas over on this part of the room. I guess the place has been abandoned for the best part of two months now, but it still looks like it wasn't exactly clean and tidy to begin with. Whoever this Dan Hodge guy was, I figure he lived alone and that he didn't really care too much about keeping the place looking good.
"You're in luck!" Toad calls through a few minutes later. "Guess what I've found?"
I turn and watch as he comes into the room with a pair of crutches.
"Hodge broke his leg a few years ago. I thought I remembered him getting about on these things, but I figure it was a long-shot that he'd still have them." He puts them under his arms and leans on them for a moment. “They're sturdy enough. I know they look pretty ancient, but you'll be glad of them soon enough.”
"You want me to go around on those like some kind of cripple?" I ask.
"You'd rather stay on the sofa?"
Figuring that he's right, I sit up, taking care not to bump my bandaged knee.
"Not right now," Toad continues, leaning the crutches against a nearby wall. "The risk of you falling and re-opening the wound is too great. I didn't find much else in the bathroom, so we're just gonna have to take care of your leg and hope we have a little luck for once." He steps closer and looks down at the bandage. "There doesn't seem to be too much leakage. That's a good sign. Hopefully you'll be able to get up and about in a week, just for short periods while you develop your muscles and -"
"A week?" I reply, shocked by the idea that I might be on this sofa for so long. "No way! I'm not sitting in this place for a whole week!"
"There's no other option," he continues. "It's not so bad here, Elizabeth, and I'm gonna head out soon and see what kind of food I can find. I know for a fact that there used to be wild rabbits around here, and Hodge kept chickens a little way off to the north. If they're still alive, we could have a pretty damn huge feast tonight."
It's clear that he doesn't really understand the full extent of the hell I'm going through right now, but I guess no-one could know what it's like. The pain in my knee is strong, but it's nothing compared to the pain in my mind. I swear, I can still hear the sound of the saw grinding against my bone.
"I can keep things running while you're out of action," he adds, before sitting on the edge of the sofa. "Remember when I was hurt and you looked after me? I guess I'm just repaying the favor."
"But you got better," I point out. "I'm never gonna get my leg back."
"But you'll be able to move around. You'll be active sooner than you think."
"I still wish..."
He waits for me to finish.
"I still wish you hadn't done it," I continue. "There must have been another way, or if there wasn't..."
"I couldn't just let you die," he replies. "Do you really think I could have gathered Rachel up and just walked away? Would you have been able to do that to me?"
"No, but..." I look down at my bandaged stump. The pain is intense, but it's almost begun to become part of my mind's background noise now, as if I'm getting used to it in some sick way. "It's going to get infected again," I say after a moment, "and I'm going to die, and you'll just end up stuck here. Everyone should just look out for their own needs instead of worrying about other people."
"That doesn't sound like the kind of world I want to live in," he replies.
"Tough. That's the kind of world we've got now. The days of people helping each other are over. It's every man for himself."
“What about Rachel?”
“That's different. She's a baby. Everyone else has to sink or swim.”
He stares at me for a moment, as if he doesn't quite believe that I'm saying these things.
"It's true," I continue. "If you stop to help someone else, you're just going to end up putting yourself in more danger. That's always been the case, but this time even the smallest danger can be fatal. You're sitting here with me when you should be out there on the road, heading for somewhere safe." I pause for a few seconds, hoping that he might reply. "I don't even like you," I add eventually. "You're just someone I met by accident, and now you're the guy who cut off my leg. What do you think's gonna happen here? That we're gonna be friends? That I'm gonna suddenly think you're okay? I hate you. Every time I look at you, I think of the pain you caused me."
"That's only natural, but -"
"Can you just leave me alone?" I add, hoping to cut this conversation short. "I don't want to talk, I just want to sit here and..." My voice trails off as I realize that there's nothing I actually want to do. The pain is getting worse and I can still feel my right foot, even though it's gone. The last thing I need is to keep explaining myself to Toad. It's not as if he'd understand, anyway.
"There was no-one," he says suddenly.
"No-one what?" I ask.
"No-one left who I cared about." He pauses. "You asked me earlier if there was anyone I was looking for, but the truth is, there isn't. My parents aren't around, I don't have any siblings, and there was a woman I loved once, her name was Rebecca, but she died long before all of this started. She killed herself. That's when I decided to get the hell out of the city and go to my farm, but even there I couldn't stop thinking about everything that
had happened.”
“But...” Pausing, I realize that there's nothing I can possibly say that wouldn't sound dumb.
“The worst part,” he continues, “is that Rebecca's death was my fault. She talked about suicide so often, I started to think she didn't really mean it. And then one day, when she tried to call me and I was busy, I didn't call her back. I was too tired to deal with any more of her drama. I had so much to do, so I figured I'd just call her back later in the day. And then eventually I just decided to wait until I got back to our apartment, but when I opened the door..."
I stare at him, waiting for him to continue.
"She'd cut her wrists," he says finally. "I don't think she even intended to die. I think she expected me to come and find her, but I didn't. I got home hours later than usual that day, and by then it was far too late. So you see, I've already left one person behind, let one person die... I'm not going to do it again, not ever. If that annoys you, then too bad." Getting to his feet, he heads toward the door, before turning back to me. "Rachel's sleeping. She should be okay. I'm gonna go and take a look at the chickens and see what else Dan Hodge might have left around the place. I'll be back in an hour or two."
Once he's gone, I find myself staring at the door, wondering why I didn't say anything to him after he explained the story about Rebecca. I guess I was just in too much shock. I could always tell there was something dark in Toad's soul, but I assumed it was just that he was missing someone who'd been lost when the crisis started. Now it's clear that he was already hurting a long time ago, and even though I still wish he'd left me behind, I can at least understand why he didn't. I wish there was something I could say that might make him feel better, but I'm not very good at this kind of thing.
Damn it, why did I have to be such a bitch to him?