Sex and the Confession Box

by M. H. O'Hara

  He helped me up of the damp grass and took my bags that seemed to matter at the time, he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side as we walked back towards the house of god! Back in the parish houses kitchen he said this calls for tea I think and I bet you haven’t eat en a thing. I said nothing all hunched over, why did you run off on me then Eileen, shrugged again like a teenage sulking and being given the third degree. I don’t care if you feel you can’t trust me or if you feel you can’t tell me what’s on your mind but for god’s sake tell me you’re going to be ok, tell me your phone number or your address so I can keep in touch know your safe, cause there’s no way I’m letting you out of my sight till you do, I wouldn’t be able to sleep worrying about you. Do you always get this worked up over your flock? No he said looking into my eyes but it hit me straight in my heart only the ones I care. He was holding out a big mug of good strong tea and as I took it, I didn’t take my eyes of him as I said it out loud for the first time. I had sex with a man today for money. He didn’t take his eyes of me and ever so casually said now was that so hard and turned back to get his own cup. I sat eyes darting back and forth puzzeled.Did he hear what I said? Did he understand what I meant? He sat opposite me on the wooden kitchen chair. Feel better, feel confused I said, about what you did, no your reaction, Do you think you’re the first woman to ever confess that to me now come on,i,ve been a priest a few years I’ve had men confess that to me!OH!So I don’t repulse you now, you don’t want me to leave for fouling up your kitchen, now you listen here he said in an irate angry voice don’t you ever think like that about yourself or judge me that way either, do you hear me he had got up now of his seat and was pacing the floor as he spoke to me, rubbing his hands through his thick jet-black/blue hair all worked up and bothered.I,ve angered you I should leave as I got up to go he said no don’t go, and took my hand, this is more than what you are, more than what you’ll ever be,dont think what you did today is what you are, it isn’t I seen that the minute I lay eyes on you. Those beautiful eyes of yours full of compassion and so much hurt and before he could say another world I committed my second mortal sin of the day I kissed a holy man, I kissed him hard on the full full open moth and he kissed me and it was beautiful and warm and no angels cried but sang inside my stomack.He pulled me in close and I felt that it was god holding me telling me it was alright I was saved I was forgiven. This is it this is my miracle Father Peter was my hero on the white horse. He smelled of that familiar smell my dad did like old spice but a rummy mixed in, that sight roughness of his cheeks brushing of mine, he puts his hands on my face and began kissing the warm salty tears that were now trickling down my cheeks and he said it and it was right it’s all right” I will take care of you. He just held me for what felt like an eternity then gently sat me back on the wooden chair and he opposite again though he never let go of my hand.

  He sat smiling, been a long time since a woman kissed me but never in all my days has a woman kissed with such passion or did I make her cry while doing it, he smiled. I looked at the clock and near shit I was late to collect James from the child minder, I hadn’t left him with my parents to many questions to many lies to tell. God Peter my son I, m late I have to go.Oh! no problem ill drive you we priest do get some wee luxuries that come in handy, he nodded his head to the back door of the parish house as he lifted his keys from the wee basket by the door and pulled on a windbreaker jacket and unlocked the door and out to the drive of the church yard sat a nice wee Clio blue, here she is, gets me to all those last confessions and hospital visits. He opened my door like a perfect gentleman and put my bags in the back seat. Where to I don’t even know here you live.Antrim, oh country girl, well not really actually born here in Belfast “Ardoyne”yeah, that’s why I came to this church, baptised here and my granny used to come all the time and me with her when I stayed so it’s a safe haven. Well you don’t have an accent no, kinda posh northern one, people thing I’m Australian or English. Right Antrim it is he said turning left to go over the black mountains to home to James to wine? To now what?

  On the drive over the black mountains it was quiet, it was so foggy every time you drove through them so vast and beautiful and you were always sure to see some wee Belfast man walking a few greyhounds, my heart always hope that they were well care for animals having one of my own. Father peter interrupted my train of thought you wouldn’t believe that years ago the IRA used these grounds to train, to learn how to shoot the British soldiers would you. I know my dad and mum told me all about it they say there still some buried bodies here here.Well what I know is there are a lot of lost souls that’s for sure said Father Peter.I sat looking at this great big man beside me and I wondered what would drive him to his own hell. He looked normal as priests can look but looking at him he was torn, so sure he knew others pain but what of his own past that drew him to lock himself up into himself into the priesthood? Why did you become a priest, well I had to ask, better sooner than later? Was wondering when you would ask me that? Well your obviously in as much pain as me, you think he said d looking at me to long that made me uneasy on this ole back road. Yes I do. Well it was my father, he was a drunk a nasty one who took great pleasure in beating me mother and us if we stopped him. One night he went too far put her in hospital just after she’d has a hysterectomy and so me and my brothers all took it in turns punching the ole bastard,a warning you know, my mother was a good woman and would never leave him against the sanctity of the church she’d say to us when we begged her me and me four brothers. WE threatened the evil cunt before but he just laughed in our faces and told us we were just like him, turns out he was right as we all enjoyed our revenge as we each layed our punches on our da,the times he’d beaten us and our mother we give it to him. Turns out to hard us we Ruptured his spleen and he bleed to death in his armchair by the old kitchen fire. We all had to leave the Garda knew it was us but knew the type he was and put it down to him falling down the stairs drunk on the whiskey. Two of me brothers went to Dublin two to Canada, me I joined the priesthood not till after I turned to drink myself.Could,nt forgive myself for killing my dad, never mind what he was, I didn’t mean to kill him, none of us did, it ate away at me, so this is my penance serve God earn his and my dad’s forgiveness.

  Wow I’m so sorry I said reaching across and rubbing my hand of his soft stubbled,nothing at all happen’s without the big man’s say so, know you may find that hard to take in and many do and some days I do struggle with it.But think about it if there is this almighty heavenly being that is the creator do you really think if he didn’t want any particular thing to be it would. No he has a plan we might not like it or even understand it but he has it all sorted. So that way I accept that my father was all always going to die that way at mine and me brothers hand that was his his fate and take you and me.What about us I said, this was fate wouldn’t you think? I did think but I wasn’t sure I could buy into it, I had to become a whore for a man to love me ?I don’t know we could have met when I attended service, yes but you wouldn’t have seen this side of me I wouldn’t have seen the real you and Eileen I believe we were meant to meet, for what to fall for each other though not be able to be are you mad?Thats cruel for any god considering what you have been through and me in my lifetime if your saying that god brought us together cause we are meant to be how the hell are we going to make that happen Peter.? He pulled the car slowly of the road into a wee side near a withered old oak tree, UN did his seat belt and turned round full to me and face on.

  Eileen if god didn’t bring me to you then he sure as hell won’t take me from you and kissed me like a man gone mad that with every touch of his lips against mine was a wash of sin away from his soul he held me like he had once held in all his childhood tears as boys can’t cry all those tears and pain came in that kiss of pure love of years of wanting his hands so big like big shovels holding mine melting into their strong gentleness and willingness to be loved and needing to be, wanting all this in this embarace. Our warm tears c
aressed on each other’s cheeks. He stopped say you believe your mine to be, say it even if in your heart you don’t know how just believe for in this moment we are one. Yes Peter I believe it I believe you, I will love you like you deserve, like you should be loved, your mine, your meant to be here with me here and now and in this moment now I love you as much as any man in this entire universe could possible love another person. I sobbed with joy onto his shoulders, I sobbed with peace of mind that another man could and would love me again,not find me disgusting, not turn away and treat me with disgust or think it would be OK to beat me or treat me bad because I was a cheap whore. He wiped the tears away under my eyes, god you’re even beautiful when you cry and he held me. So now what shall we do?Run away with the poor box!

  .Eileen’s Story

  The phone rang two weeks later a Sunday afternoon whilst James and I painted in our open plan kitchen living room. I answered without a thought all that was already another time away, “Hello” I said the familiar English accent on the other end of the line made me stand up to attention almost, hi Kara how are you? Hello Doreen, how are you wonderful honey I have a job for you this evening he’s a great tipper. You still there honey yes one moment Doreen I’ll take this in the other room. I turned to my young five year old son and said mummy has to talk in the other room you keep painting he nodded to engross in his hands all covered in gooey blue and green paint. HI! tonight you say yes or have you changed your mind?I,d already spent the £350 I’d made two days ago way to easy, all my goodies then I bought in oil and little left took us as a treat to the movies with Kfc after. Was I able to do this again, at all alone? These past two week’s so much had happened all a whirlwind of things and I still was no better or worse in some ways. Yes I’d met Father Peter and we had fallen hard for each other after that kiss by the road we’d talked and talked I’d told him I was his, he said he’d leave the priesthood for me and we’d move away, start fresh, start new. He had money put away for years when his mother had died six years ago she’d left the farm to all the son’s his brothers wanted nothing to do with it, wanted no part of anything to do with their dad’s farm which was well over 50acres and the house and all.

  They all had went their different ways made their own money told Peter he could keep it blood money to them, Peter to but he has sold it and put the money in an account telling himself he’s going to give it to a good charity there’s enough for us all to go anywhere fresh start. What do you say? All so exciting sitting in the middle of nowhere kissing sharing our souls we hadn’t even made love yet, it never went the far, it was more pure, more. It was love. He dropped me at my home and told me he’d call as soon as he’d spoke to his Bishop and made all the arrangements. Under no circumstances should I call the sacred heart chapel looking for him it would make matters worse. Wait he said and we will be together as one should as the universe has conspired it to be. That’s what I’d done I’d waited, and waited, with every call of the cruel ring tones of the phone my soul raised up in hope then lay still in the depths of my darkness when it wasn’t. But I’d heard nothing from him. Was he A priest just like the rest of the men I’d fallen for married a liar full of shit full of promises and where has that got me. A single mum with my only child’s father fucked of with some slut bitch whore (yes I know) and me in debt and danger of losing our home. Hone it’s for seven o clock this evening, dinner the whole works £1,500,fuck that would help with my mortgage arrears !What will I do.

  OK! I said where “The Europa hotel” Belfast oh! you know yes it very nice been to a wedding there classy, bring an overnight bag the room number is 489 floor five, if stopped or asked explain your meeting your boyfriend A Mr Jameson for the evening, if they call up he will confirm. He’s a regular and a very nice gent. Ok Doreen ring me tomorrow and tell me how you get on. Doreen yes hone anything else I should know? No he’s plain and simple bring some baby oil likes to give the girls a massage, you’ll do fine. I hung up the phone and went back into the living room where James had decided to redecorate our white lab Willow into a lovely multi coloured dog, the dog didn’t mind, Right looks like there’s two for the bath then. I began running a bath for James and going through my head I convinced myself right if Peter rings me by 6.30pm I won’t go that will be it, then I know he’s real, he,s going to save me from this, save James and I ,he’ll ring. If not then fuck him I’m own my own and I’ll do it. He didn’t ring!

  So arriving by taxi, in style not wanting to get my dress all messed up one I’d had but never wore actually got it in one of those second hand designers shops, you know where all the rich sell their designer clothes and we get to buy them at third of the cost. A little place called “DE Ja VA “on the Lisburn Road in Belfast it was beautiful Karen Millen long evening summer dress with chocolate brown woven straps clingy as you moved with your curves but not cheap so it clings, a mix of aqua blues and hint of leopard prints with beads at the bottom I teamed it with a rich cream jacket with sequins Karen Miller to love her stuff always had good taste and used to afford some good things when saved up would always but quality lasts longer in everything. I may be going cheap now but I wasn’t always cheap as they say. the jacket I’d wore for James christening a part of a trouser suit. I looked the part a business man’s girlfriend. Though my overnight bag would have definitely been a dead giveaway. I went in through the revolving doors, into the amazing entrance lobby it was a stunning hotel and once held the tile as the most blown up hotel in the world with thanks to the IRA, who now are at peace but we now have the add bonus of the real IRA, who are nowhere much to be found thank god for Belfast. I went straight towards the life head held high walked tall no one blinked an eye except me as the elevator doors closed I still hoped with that last breath I’d see Peter running towards me but no just the coldness of the life closing. It opened at floor five I went to room 484 as instructed by Doreen I stood there for what felt like two lifetimes and breathed in deep, once inside its just you Eileen you’re going to have sex with a total stranger no going back no Susie to save you. My trembling hand reached to the door and knocked a gentle knock of hopelessness. It opened and oh! ok again it was just a normal guy I still expected some weirdo creep pervert to emerge but he was normal(so far).hello I said I’m Kara Mr Jameson I persume? He laughed Kara you are a sight for sore eyes please come inches had a hint of an accent that I wasn’t quite sure of. He had an amazing suite ,may I take your coat oh yes thank you, so polite.

  I expect them to treat me like shit, like you see the way they speak to the girls who work on the street, like that perhaps that’s how I saw me, clearly they did not thank god. But why not wasn’t I the same? Same gig just different surroundings? Like I said before the cost also separates me and these girls, here on the street £15 for a blow job or £25 pound for full sex and again it’s nearly always without a condom! These yeah maybe at it a lot longer, older, fatter, ugly you’d do them for free but some wouldn’t even but them a drink to do them in a back alley, so why these guys why your husband, father or boyfriend? It’s nothing to do with you know this and make no mistake if you find out your guys been with someone like me or that poor girl who’s even more lost on the street it’s not your fault. Please any and all women reading this believe me ,it’s him it’s his thing his problem. He’s looking for excitement, something dirty something nasty or just a release an escape from the stresses the pressures of working the normal nine to five job the family life and all he’s expected to be. As much as that may offend you that he’s taken some girl from the back of an alley give her £25.00 and is doing it hard fucking her hard up the ass with no condom and fucking loving it all the sex the excitement of getting caught of the escape. Isn’t it better than an affair? Ask yourself that honest question? He feels nothing for this woman me or her, we are nothing to him, objects of pleasure, to control to own for that small ten minutes to an hour. He’s the man again this will do what he wants no questions, no begging or pretending to care. No affection just pure adrenaline fire pumpin
g dirty fucking sex and no having to say I’m sorry when he fucks you to hard no worries about please us or making us come its purely all about him. HIM! He doesn’t love us or want to be with us, he won’t buy us gifts or imagine a life with us and he certainly will not leave us for you. So wouldn’t you rather he went with a whore like me or the cheaper whores on the street and came home to you and with remorse and guilt maybe bring flowers or do up the kitchen for you or whisk you and the kids away for a great weekends break. It happens ladies it happens every day.

  Back to my Mr Jameson, Clarke he asked me to call him and I did. You are stunningly beautiful, why is a girl like you doing this, how did you get into this line of work he asked, sorry maybe it’s none of my business. It wasn’t but I answered saying as I sipped my glass of perfectly chilled champagne I’d develop a taste for this. It’s just one of those things you don’t plan you wake up one day and your husband has run of and cleared out all your bank accounts ran off with some cheap tramp and left you with the kid the mortgage the debts! I guess, well what a fool he was. Any man would be a fool to walk out on a stunning woman like you and it sounded like he had it all, he did I said but I guess it just wasn’t enough for him, or perhaps I wasn’t. Don’t think that he said sliding up beside me on the bed, your enough for any man he’s the bastard who never felt good enough for you, and believe me I know, I know how men think, he could never measure up. Thank you Clarke that’s so nice of you to say cheers he said and clinked my glass, cheers I said back. Thinking in my head ok this is ,not too bad, but I wasn’t me not the Eileen you’d know as a friend, daughter or mother. I’d done it and I don’t even know how. I’d taken on the role the persona of this person Kara, I’d taken on the persona the traits of a whore I was acting and I was good I never knew I could act but it must have always been there, the masks people wear, perhaps this is one of mine, a mask I had but didn’t know. Maybe I used it before, I know we all play act when we go on dates come across all sexy be what we think this guy across us like s wants us to be. We pretend in relationships in marriages at the start become what they want or what we think we should be, we slowly disappear and don’t even know who we were to begin with sometimes. We cook because his mother was a great cook, or we learn to use a sowing machine because his mum did, we do it from behind because he likes it that way even though we can’t come in this positon. We swallow even though we gag and have to force ourselves to swallow it down because he told us his hot sexy ex-girlfriend wife loved it. We do so much to be accepted to be loved to be liked by usually the wrong person. Then we look around and even after you did all this, you became his mother, you gave up that career even after you lost you and gained three four stone after having his children he walks out with some slapper he met at a bar or your best friend or your sister and tells you it’s your fault you’re not the person I met you’re not the person I fell in love with. You’ve changed and I don’t love you anymore, you disgust me look what you’ve become!!And you look and you look and you became what he wanted and now your alone with his children and became old before your time, fat and let yourself go, why not he stopped seeing you and worst you stopped seeing you. Now he’s free and you’re dead inside, feel like the nothing he made you become. It all happens so easily that you don’t even notice, it happened to me and I had to wake up, shake up and shape up. Great thing when your husband walks out and tells you’re a fat nothing, you stop eating, the stress the worry and the will power to do it now. I went from twelve and a half stone to eight stone two pounds in four and half months all with no exercise just pure hate and anger and walking the dogs oh yeah I couldn’t eat. I was back to how I first looked before I took on that garbage of a husband who sucked me dry in every way. Yeah I was broke in debt and forced to become a whore but I still felt better than I ever did when with him. Scary...